Chris Rock quotes from Everybody Hates Chris

Chris

[Caruso]'s a cat-lover?

Narrator

It was like finding out that Saddam Hussein collected Cabbage Patch Kids.

Narrator

The hardest thing about planning revenge is figuring out how far to go.

Greg

How's Operation Get Revenge On Caruso going?

Chris

Not bad, but I'm changing the operation name to He Can Hear You, Stupid.

Greg

What's that?

Chris

It's my revenge list. I'm trying to figure out the best way to do it.

Greg

You could toilet-paper his house.

Chris

Too dangerous.

Greg

You could egg him on the way home.

Chris

Too obvious.

Greg

Put Ex-Lax in his hot chocolate.

Chris

Too typical.

Mr. Abbott

Do you know how many broke people went to college?

Chris

Not really.

Chris

Can you help me?

Mr. Abbott

Well, unless they hire Big Bird, I'm gonna have to.

Chris

Call me Stymie, Rochester, Tootsie Roll, Inkwell. Come on, man!

Caruso

What are you doing?

Narrator

Prompting an angry call from Bill Cosby.

I'm failing math. I've got work to do. I don't have time for this.

Chris

Wait, you're not good at math?

What? Just because I'm Asian, I have to be good at math? You're black, can you moonwalk?

Chris

I didn't mean it like that. And no, I can't moonwalk.

So, I can't use chopsticks.

Chris

I don't like watermelon.

I can't make a swan out of paper.

Chris

I don't have sickle cell anemia.

I don't run a dry cleaners.

Narrator

I bet you like rice!

Greg

What are you doing?

Chris

Moving [my dad's car] to the other side of the street.

Narrator

Or to the other side of the borough.

Hey Chris. Can I sit in your car?

Chris

Sure, why not?

Narrator

Because they're underage.

Greg

What's wrong?

Chris

Everything.

Narrator

I'm just glad we're in Brooklyn and not Alabama.

Narrator

When I got older, I was always asking my dad to let me drive.

Chris

Hey Dad, can I drive?

Narrator

And he always said the same thing.

Julius

Drive? Sure, you can drive... as soon as you turn 16, go to driver's ed., get a driver's license, graduate from high school, get a job, get out of my house, get a car, get insurance. Yeah, then you can drive anytime you want.

Narrator

He coulda just said no.

Julius

Don't go burnin' up gas.

Chris

I'm just moving the car across the street.

Julius

That's three cents' worth of gas.

Narrator

After all that had happened, I kept thinking about how my dad had trusted me. Even though I had managed to get the car back home without him knowing, it seemed like the right thing to do was tell the truth.

Chris

Dad?

Julius

Yeah, son?

Chris

I have a confession to make. I drove your car to school today.

Julius

You what?

Chris

I'm sorry. I really am.

Julius

Son, I'm very disappointed in you, but as long as you're safe, that's all that really matters.

Chris

Thanks, Dad.

Julius

But one more thing...

Chris

Yes, Dad?

Narrator

Since I got the car home and nobody got hurt, I figured the best thing to do was to keep it to myself and never do anything like that again.

Chris

I think we should get a dog.

Narrator

I'd always wanted a dog, but my parents always said no. But maybe the robbery would make them change their mind.

Rochelle

For the umpteenth time, Chris, we are not getting a dog.

Narrator

Wishful thinking.

Chris

All the girls call me papi.

Greg

"Papi?" You're so in there.

Narrator

I thought I'd never see Blackie again.

Chris

Blackie, cómo estás? How are you?

Narrator

And he thought he'd never seen me before.

Chris

[Blackie growls] Blackie, remember, it's me, Chris, tu amigo. Hey papi, tranquilo. Papi, tranquilo. [Blackie chases him] No, no, no!

Todo el mundo odia Chris. (Everybody hates Chris.)