Narrator quotes from Everybody Hates Chris

Narrator

The best thing about the girl next door is that she's right next door, and the worst is that she's right next door.

Tasha

I will not be ignored, Chris.

Narrator

I'm lucky I don't have a pet rabbit.

Narrator

After everything I'd been through with Tasha and as crazy as she acted, she really did have a point. Breakin' up over one fight wasn't worth it, and if she didn't think it was over, then it wasn't over.

Tasha

Oh, Chris.

Chris

Hey. I was mad earlier.

Tasha

I noticed.

Chris

It's not that I want to break up with you. I just think we need to get clear about some things.

Tasha

Like what?

Chris

First of all, you cannot cancel my work so we can go hang out.

Tasha

OK.

Chris

And I'm sorry that I overreacted. I'm new to this relationship stuff.

Tasha

OK.

Chris

Good. [tries to kiss Tasha, but she rejects him] What's wrong?

Tasha

I am breaking up with you.

Chris

I thought you said that we were still together.

Tasha

Until I said we were breaking up. We're breaking up. See ya, wouldn't wanna be ya.

Narrator

Me, either.

Do you know William Henry Harrison?

Chris

Yeah. Wasn't he that guy who cleaned up that woman in My Fair Lady?

No, that was Rex Harrison.

Chris

Oh.

William Henry Harrison was the ninth President of the United States, and he gave the longest inaugural address in history, and guess what?

Chris

What?

Since you like to talk so much, you are gonna memorize that speech!

Chris

But I have to study for finals!

Not if you don't get that speech memorized because if ya don't, you're gonna get suspended, and then you won't be here to take final exams! You got a momma joke for that?

Narrator

If I tell it, I'll get suspended right now.

My name is Tallulah LaFitte. I came in here the other day to get my hair dyed honey brown, and it come up like this!

Rochelle

Well, did you have color in your hair before you came in?

So, what if I did? I didn't want my hair to be orange! I look like Ronald BlackDonald!

Rochelle

Well, hair is like crayons, you know? You mix colors, you get new colors. If you don't know what you mixin', you don't know what you're gonna get.

I don't care about no mixin' colors, miss! You need to give me a refund!

Narrator

You need to put those fingers away!

Rochelle

Um, we don't give refunds. That's our policy. Didn't you read the signs?

Then I need to speak to the manager!

Rochelle

She's just gonna tell you the same thing I just said.

How do you know that?

Rochelle

Because she is me! So I'm sorry, but no. Whatever happened to that head of yours, it's not our fault.

Narrator

That's what the President of Hollywood said to Britney Spears.

Ah-ah! This is not over, miss! Until you give me back my money, I'm putting a mojo on you and yours. A hex on everything you touch and everything you do. So it is said, so it shall be done. [chants in foreign language, then leaves the beauty salon]

Narrator

That was Barack Obama's middle name.

Rochelle

And Obama-lu to you, too!

Julius

[to Rochelle] Are you OK?

Narrator

No, she's mad she can't slap soup.

Narrator

Back home, my dad's mojo recipes were layin' eggs.

Julius

Honey, I've done everything I can and things just keep gettin' worse. They've had over four glasses of the remedy, and their temperature just keeps goin' up.

Narrator

Maybe that's because Clay-Dough is not the stuffy-nose, runny-eyes, scratchy-throat and knock-you-out-so-you-can-sleep medicine.

Narrator

In the '80s, makin' a bomb threat was nowhere near as easy as it is now.

Sir, unless the bomb is committing a crime, there's nothing we can do.

Unless the bomb is up a tree and can't get down, there's nothing we can do.

Narrator

I thought I'd finally got the right people on the phone, but I still couldn't figure out why the school wasn't bein' evacuated.

Chris

Don't we have a copy machine?

We did, but it turned out to be a fake. It was a copy of a copy machine. The Xerox police confiscated it. If your hand starts to cramp up, use the other one.

Narrator

I was quite familiar with that principle.

Narrator

Just about everything I went through at school was hard. The work was tough.

Chris

"Q"?! What's a "Q"?!

Narrator

The people were mean.

Chris

[to Greg] Go ahead. [Greg runs off] [Chris tries to get out of the way but Caruso blocks him every time.] [annoyed] Are we havin' a fight or a dance-off? [Caruso punches him]

Caruso

You know I can't dance.

Narrator

But the one thing about school that was harder than anything else...

Rochelle

Chris, wake up.

Narrator

...was gettin' there.

Rochelle

It's time to go to school. You can't learn nothin' in bed.

Narrator

Tell that to Kim Kardashian. While most kids were still sleepin', I had to get my clothes on, wash may face, brush my teeth, eat...

Chris

[stopping a bus] Hey-hey-hey! Wait-wait-wait-wait-wait! Wait, wait! [shows bus ticket, and the bus door opens.]

Narrator

...and then catch three buses. If I got the first one on time, it gave me just enough time to catch the second one which usually made me right on time to catch the third one. And if nothing went wrong, I'd be on time.

Greg

Hey, Chris.

Chris

[to Greg] Hey. [to Mr. Thurman] After you.

[to Chris] You're late. Now go to the principal's office and get a tardy slip.

Here. [gives Chris a tardy slip.] Just for the record, Chris, you can't afford to be late again. The clocks in this school are set to Eastern Standard Time, not C.P. Time.

Chris

What difference does it make if I'm late? We took all our tests. We only got, like, one more week to go.

Counting today, you have been late 29 times this year, and 30 is the limit. If you're late again, you will not be promoted. You will have to repeat the 10th grade.

Chris

[outraged] Say what?!

[sticking to her guns] Say word.

Narrator

Oh, there's a word I wanna say, all right!

Narrator

While I was worried about getting to school, Tonya was worried about getting out of school.

Rochelle

Boy, slow down. You're acting like your food is trying to get away from you.

Chris

I'm trying to get to bed. I'm really tired.

Tonya

Hey, Daddy, can I get my hair done at Nessa's for graduation?

Julius

Sure, baby.

Tonya

Can I get a new dress too?

Rochelle

You don't need a new dress; you can wear your church dress.

Tonya

But I wore that for Easter. If I wear it for graduation, I'll look back at the pictures, I won't know what I'm remembering.

Rochelle

You'll remember that we couldn't afford to buy you two dresses.

Chris

[finishes his drink rapidly] Plus, in one of the pictures, you'd be holding the chocolate bunny. [kisses Rochelle's cheek] Love you. Good night.

Rochelle

Good night.

Julius

That's okay. I've been saving up for this. How many times does a girl graduate from sixth grade?

Narrator

In Bed-Stuy, five.

Tonya

Thanks, Daddy.

Rochelle

What are you writing, Drew?

Drew

It's a list of things I can do on Amateur Night at the Apollo. I'm gonna try out.

Julius

Drew, that's a tough audience. You can't just go up there and do anything; they will boo you faster than Casper on Halloween.

Rochelle

Stevie Wonder could see before he did Amateur Night; they booed him blind.

Tonya

They booed "Magic" Johnson so bad, he gave up singing.

Drew

"Magic" Johnson is a basketball player.

Tonya

Now.

Drew

Well, they're not gonna boo me.

Narrator

That's what Roseanne said before she sang The National Anthem!

Narrator

Meanwhile, I was goin' down like O.J. in the Vegas trial.

Rochelle

Chris, this is your own fault. If you woulda told me you were havin' problems, then I coulda done somethin'.

Julius

It's not the end of the world. Most people don't get to finish the 10th grade once. You get to do it twice. It's kinda like workin' a double shift.

Chris

Do you know how embarrassing that's gonna be?

Rochelle

As embarrassing as bein' 40 and still livin' with your mother 'cause you were too stupid to listen to her and repeat the 10th grade and get your diploma.

Narrator

After all my parents did for me, I tried to do somethin' for myself.

Julius

G.E.D.?

Chris

Yeah, it's just like graduatin' from high school.

Rochelle

No, it's not. Do you get a G.E.D. cap and gown? Can people sign your G.E.D. yearbook? Do they have a G.E.D. reunion?

Narrator

Yes. It's called "Flavor of Love."

Rochelle

If you wanna sulk, go sulk. It's not gonna change anything.

Narrator

Ask Hillary Clinton.

Narrator

[as Chris enters a diner] Next to a pregnancy scare, waitin' for the results from my G.E.D. was one of the scariest moments of my life.

Who gets that fried crust?

Rochelle

[showing up] Hi, baby.

Chris

Hey. Where's Drew and Tonya?

Rochelle

They're walkin' over from Doc's.

Chris

[singing along] Tommy used to work on the docks. Union's been on strike; he's down on his luck. It's tough.

Rochelle

[as Drew and Tonya show up] Hey!

Tonya

Hi Mom.

Drew

Oh, I love fried crusts!

Rochelle

Don't fill up on it.

Tonya

Where's Daddy?

Drew

In his skin. When he jumps out, you can jump in.

Rochelle

[singing along] Hold on...

Chris

[singing along] ...if we make it or not. We'll give it a shot.

[singing along] Oh, we're halfway there! Oh, oh! Livin' on a prayer! Take my hand; we'll make it, I swear! Oh, oh! Livin' on a prayer!

Chris

Hey Ma, I heard they were hirin' at Red Lobster.

Tonya

They're not hirin' you.

Drew

I wonder how hungry people have to be to eat a lobster? Like, who looks at that and says, "Man, that looks good!"?

Rochelle

Have you thought about what you're gonna do if you don't pass the G.E.D.?

Julius

[showing up with Chris' G.E.D. results] Hey, everybody.

Tonya

Hey, Daddy.

Rochelle

Hi. What's that?

Julius

Chris' G.E.D. results.

Drew

Did you pass?

Tonya

Open it.

Julius

Is that fried crust?

Drew

Yeah. And it's good.

Chris

[last line on the show] What's it say? [the screen blacks out afterwards, leaving it ambiguous as to whether Chris passed the G.E.D. or not, and the credits roll in silence, mimicking the final episode of The Sopranos.]