Narrator quotes from Everybody Hates Chris

Cigarettes?

Narrator

Careful! They might complicate your pregnancy.

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Narrator

After sayin' "No" to my mother for the first time, I didn't know what to expect.

What did you say?!

I said no.

Narrator

Twice!

That's what I thought you said. [throws some silverware at Chris, who has been pinned to a door because of that, then threatens him with a knife] Now say it again.

Ma, I didn't eat all the dinner by myself. I shouldn't have to clean it all up by myself.

I don't wear all the clothes, but... I wash them by myself. I don't sleep in all the beds in this house, but I... I make them all by myself. I don't pee in all of the toilets in this house by myself!

Ma, Drew and Tonya are sittin' right there doin' nothin'. Why can't they help?

Because I told you to do it! Now, I don't wanna hear no more back talk. Now, clean this mess up.

No. I'm not gonna do it.

Lord, please help me before I knock this boy's neck off. Eight... Nine... T-ten!

Narrator

I wouldn't see a woman that perplexed again until Palin found out her daughter was knocked up.

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Where have you been?

I stopped to get coffee.

Narrator

With his coffee coupon.

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I just need to understand why you would talk to your mother like that.

Dad, Drew and Tonya were sittin' down watchin' TV and I'm the only one Mom said to go clean up. It's just not fair. You raised me to stand up for myself, so why do I get in trouble when I do it at home?

Look, Chris, you might win the battle, but you're gonna lose the war. Sometimes it's not about just being right. Hey, look, you need to apologize to your mother.

Why?

Because she will make your life miserable. Do you know how many times I've been right and still had to apologize? 469,531 times!

Narrator

And countin'!

How is that even possible?

Because she doesn't care!

It doesn't make any sense!

Exactly. Look, that's the #1 rule of livin' with women: Nothing makes sense. When you learn this, then you'll finally understand what it is to be a man. Wrong or right, you still have to be sorry.

Narrator

I had survived the walk home. Now all I had to do was apologize, and my life would go back to normal.

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Why is this table such a mess?

Narrator

Somebody fired the maid.

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Narrator

When you're a kid, one of the most important lessons you learn is when your parents tell you to do something...

Y'all better eat that liver.

CDChris, Drew and Tonya

Yes, ma'am.

Narrator

...you do it, no matter what you think.

Boy, get your feet off my good chair.

Drew

Yes, ma'am.

Narrator

No matter what it is.

Girl, are you crazy?! If you wanna cook your brother, do it outside!

Tonya

Yes, ma'am.

Narrator

No matter how you feel.

Chris, clean up the table and do the dishes.

No!

What?

Narrator

Will I say what I just said again? Will my mother kill me before I get a chance to say it? Are Drew and Tonya gonna sit there and just let this happen? Don't touch that dial!

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Chris, clean up the table and do the dishes.

No.

Narrator

Well, it's been nice knowin' you, America.

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Narrator

First thing in the morning, my mother did the meanest thing yet: nothin'.

Why didn't you wake me up? I'm late for school!

You grown. Wake yourself up. If you don't wanna do nothin' for me, I ain't doin' nothin' for you.

Narrator

And she didn't. She didn't do my laundry.

Where's my underwear?

You grown. Wash your own drawers.

Narrator

She didn't make my meals.

Where's my breakfast?

You grown. You can cook your own food.

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Narrator

I was tryin' to become my own person, but my mother still thought she owned me.

What you think you doin'?

I'm makin' breakfast.

With my eggs?

No, I bought the eggs, and I bought the bacon.

Oh. Well, you ain't buy that skillet. You ain't buy that fire. You ain't buy that spatula. You ain't buy that plate.

Next time, I'll remember to buy a paper plate.

Oh, next...? "Oh, next time, I'll remember to buy a paper..." No, next time, you need to remember: This ain't your kitchen! This ain't your stove, this ain't your floor, those ain't your frozen gizzards, that ain't your...

You say none of this is mine. Maybe I should find someplace else to be.

Uh-oh! Did y'all see that? I guess he jumpin' bad now. You bad! I guess you Shaft! You's a bad mutha... Shut yo mouth! No! Since you're so independent, so liberated, maybe you need to go live in the Statue of Liberty.

Fine! I'm leavin'.

Narrator

I stood my ground, and now it was gonna be standin' out on the street.

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You cuttin' the boy's arm off for stickin' his finger in the fan.

Narrator

What?

Cuttin' off his arm? I don't get it. So, am I the fan?

Drew

I'm pretty sure Chris is the arm.

Tonya

No, I think the arm is the arm.

Chris is the boy.

Yeah, Chris is the boy. Look, stickin' his finger in the fan is just the equivalent of doin' something stupid.

Drew

Like talkin' back to Mom.

Right.

Tonya

So cuttin' the arm off is kickin' him outta the house?

Exactly.

So, if he stuck his finger in the fan and I didn't like it, cuttin' his arm off so he wouldn't do it again [along with Julius] wouldn't help.

"""Chris: Look, I Don't Care, All right. It's better than doing everyone else's work. If you had been cleaning up after me for the past ten years, you'd know how I felt.

"""Tonya: (To Chris) Where are you gonna stay?

"""Chris: I'll Find a place

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Boy, you so crazy.

Narrator

Oh, I'm crazy, all right.

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Will both of y'all shut up?!

Narrator

That don't rhyme!

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Greg

Oh, man! You're gonna be so in there! I can't believe you ran it down! I only just ran. What'd she say?

She said she'll think about it.

Greg

But what does that mean?

It means, "Lemme check every option, see if I can get someone I want, and if not, I'll go out with you."

Narrator

When she said every option, she meant every option. She checked blind guys.

Do you have a girlfriend?

BGBlind Girlfriend

Yeah, girl. What are you, blind?

Narrator

She checked dangerous guys.

Do you have a girlfriend?

RGRobber Girl

Yeah, he does! Now gimme your money!

Narrator

She even checked guys who were girls.

Do you have a girlfriend?

AGAndrogynous Guy

I'm my own girlfriend.

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What'd you get me?

Narrator

A big box of nothin'.

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I got a surprise for you later.

You do? What is it?

Narrator

It's a surprise to me, too.

Well, I wanted to wait till later, but, you know, after I get home from school, I wanted to celebrate with you. I'll bring your present then.

Narrator

Good one!

Ooh! And then we can go to Mr. Woo's and get some Chinese food. And then we can talk about what this crazy girl said to me at school. And then we can talk about...

Narrator

Another thing I learned quickly is that much like bin Laden, girlfriends like to make plans, and those plans did not include Greg.