Narrator quotes from Everybody Hates Chris

Mrs. Milone

Young man, I want a word with you. In fact, I want seven words with you.

Narrator

Number 1 had hit the fan.

How come you don't like me?

Drew

I don't know. I just don't.

It's got to be something. Do you think I'm ugly?

Drew

No.

Do you think I'm dumb?

Drew

No.

Then what is it? Just tell me the truth.

Drew

You're too tall.

Narrator

Never stopped Danny DeVito.

Narrator

What I didn't know was that my parents loved comedians too.

[on record player] You knew it in your heart, you haven't washed your hair. So one night, the time was right. He asked her. He said, "Honey, would you marry me?" She said "Wooden eye?"

Narrator

I can't say what he just said, but it was the first dirty joke I had ever heard.

[on record player] "Geez, baby, what time do you have to be home?"

Narrator

And it wasn't the last.

[on record player] She said, "Christmas..."

Narrator

A lot of kids would get in trouble sneakin' outta bed tryin' to listen to dirty jokes. I ended up gettin' a career.

Maxine

Looks like somebody's gonna get some pizza.

Narrator

If all studying was rewarded with pizza, then Charles Barkley would have won a Nobel Prize.

Rochelle

If you could add and subtract, you could do this!

Narrator

My mom applied that kind of logic to a lot of situations.

Rochelle

If you can crack an egg, you can crack a safe!

Rochelle

Boy, if you can lace up a sneaker, you could stitch up a chest! [to another surgeon] Suture.

Rochelle

If you can jump rope, you could jump from the plane! Go! Go!

Rochelle

Baby, you forgot your parachute!

Chris

What difference does it make?

Rochelle

What difference does it make?

Narrator

Note to self: When dealing with the irrefutable science of numbers, don't ask, "What difference does it make?"

Maxine

Teaching is a skill, no different than flying a plane.

Narrator

Except you don't fall 35,000 feet to your death.

Narrator

When I was in school, students usually got recognition for one of two things: being really good...

Mrs. Milone

This year's valedictorian is Stephanie Borelli.

Narrator

And being really bad.

Mrs. Milone

I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but your son is an idiot.

Rochelle

Chris, what kinda answer is that?

Narrator

The kind you'd come up with was a crazy woman screamin' at you.

All I'm trying to say is, if you don't get algebra, we don't get pizza.

Narrator

And I'm gonna get sliced.

Monk

Revenge is a dish best served cold.

Narrator

I thought that was meatloaf.

Greg

It's like that movie, "The Birds!"

Narrator

Except with cats.

Mr. Omar

Drainada?

Julius

That's right. The Spanish Drano.

Narrator

Doesn't Drano already sound Spanish?

Narrator

In order to exact the perfect revenge, I decided I should consult some experts.

Jerome

If I was you, I'd move on to his block and take a dollar from him every day for the rest of his life. Lemme hold a dollar.

Vanessa

You could slash his tires, pour sugar in his gas tank, put bleach on his clothes, give his wife a bad perm.

Kill Moves

Revenge? Success, the best revenge.

Julius

[about Mr. Omar's drain] How long's it been like that?

Narrator

Ever since it got back from vacation in Haiti.