Narrator quotes from Everybody Hates Chris

Narrator

If Tasha were here to do her voice-over, she would admit that she's heartbroken.

[narrating] No, I wouldn't. I wasn't heartbroken, I don't even remember this happening.

Tasha

So I'll see you later?

Chris

Um, yeah. OK.

Narrator

While Tasha silently suffered in Brooklyn...

[narrating] I wasn't suffering then and I'm not suffering now— I don't care.

Vanessa

[about Michael] He wants to take me to dinner and everything.

Narrator

Everything means nothing but dinner.

Rochelle, what are you doin' out here, sneakin' up on people? You coulda caused me to have a heart attack!

Narrator

Michael shoulda died years ago, but his heart was way too lazy to attack him.

Vanessa

Did you hear about Doc?

Rochelle

No. What happened?

Vanessa

He won $300 on the basketball game last night.

Rochelle

Gambling? I hate gambling.

Narrator

My mother hated gambling because my grandfather loved it. He'd gamble on anything: fights...

C'mon, Blue! Let's go! C'mon, Blue!

Doggone it!

Narrator

He'd gamble on races.

Doggone it!

Narrator

He'd even bet on the weather.

I got $10 on sunny and 79!

Doggone it!

Narrator

Even people who told other people not to gamble, gambled.

Let me tell you this: Gambling is a sin! With a capital S!

Your friend, Doc... he needs to get unlucky... and he needs to get unlucky tonight. If he doesn't, I'm gonna see you tomorrow, and you don't wanna see me tomorrow.

Narrator

I didn't wanna see you today.

Rochelle

And Chrissy the Black... You just out there out calling games like you in Atlantic City huh? Is that what you want to do if you grow up?

Narrator

Notice: she said "if".

Chris

But I wasn't gambling.

Rochelle

You wasn't gambling... you better get ready to stop not gambling.

Narrator

While Drew was trying to make a clean break, I was getting down and dirty with my new jokes. I told the one about the guy who got bitten by the snake...

Chris

So the doctor said, "Make two cuts where your friend was bitten by the snake, and suck out the poison." So the guy gets back to his friend, and the friend said, "Well, what did the doctor say?" "You're gonna die."

Narrator

I told one about the two guys on the bridge...

Chris

And so then the white guy said, "Man, this water's cold." And the black guy said, "Yeah, and it's deep too."

Narrator

And I told the one about how to become an honorary Eskimo.

Chris

So he was bleeding, and his clothes were torn. So he walks in and says, "Now, where's the Eskimo woman I'm supposed to kill?"

Jerome

Little dude from across the street! Does your momma know you out here tellin' jokes like that?

Chris

No.

Narrator

Because if she did, she'd smack the smut outta me!

Maxine

I'm too old for a blind date!

Narrator

She wouldn't say that if it was Stevie Wonder.

Rochelle

Are you done?

Julius

Yeah. Why?

Rochelle

'Cause as far as I'm concerned, this time is next time.

Narrator

Number 3!!!

Julius

What are you doing up?

Rochelle

I can't sleep.

Narrator

Translation: He can't sleep.

Rochelle

A date? My mother is almost 60. How would she look out there tryin' to get a date?

Narrator

Like Bea Arthur on The Golden Girls.

Doc

Some of this material is a little blue.

Chris

Blue?

Doc

Yeah, filthy, so if you hear something you ain't supposed to hear, turn it off.

Narrator

Don't be so strict, old man!

[on record player] Yeah, there are 400,000 words in the English language and there are seven of them you can't say on television. They must really be bad...

Chris

"Seven Words You Can Never Say On Television?"

[on record player] You know the seven, don't you, that you can't say on television?

Narrator

Seven? I could only think of three. [two beeps] What? Whoo! [two beeps] Ouch! Uh-huh! [two beeps] Whoa! Hey, now! [beep] Ho, ho, ho, ho! My vocabulary just grew by four.

Greg

I hate cursing. My father used to call my mother number 4 all the time, then she'd call him number 5 and they'd go back and forth like that. 5, 4, 2, 1, 7, then they'd end up on number 3.

Narrator

Greg was an early adapter of "too much information."