Narrator quotes from Everybody Hates Chris

Julius

You ever heard of a Puerto Rican with a plugged-up sink?

Mr. Omar

No.

Julius

OK.

Narrator

It's just hittin' Mr. Omar that maybe he did know a Puerto Rican with a plugged-up sink.

Narrator

My father thought he could fix anything with Krazy Glue or duct tape.

Rochelle

What you doin'?

Julius

Fixin' the table. All done.

Rochelle

Julius! Did you fix that flat tire?

Julius

Good as new.

Rochelle

Did you fix that noise yet?

Julius

Quiet as a mouse.

Chris

[Caruso]'s a cat-lover?

Narrator

It was like finding out that Saddam Hussein collected Cabbage Patch Kids.

Narrator

The hardest thing about planning revenge is figuring out how far to go.

Greg

How's Operation Get Revenge On Caruso going?

Chris

Not bad, but I'm changing the operation name to He Can Hear You, Stupid.

Greg

What's that?

Chris

It's my revenge list. I'm trying to figure out the best way to do it.

Greg

You could toilet-paper his house.

Chris

Too dangerous.

Greg

You could egg him on the way home.

Chris

Too obvious.

Greg

Put Ex-Lax in his hot chocolate.

Chris

Too typical.

Rochelle

I had a dream. Every time I see Shirley Chisholm, I think, "Wow, hey, that could've been me." Yeah, I could've done a lot of things. I could've won a Pulitzer Prize.

If she only learned to Pulitzer.

Rochelle

I could've been a Poet Laureate.

That don't rhyme!

Rochelle

You know what? I even could've won a Cy Young Award.

Narrator

If she could only throw a knuckleball.

Rochelle

But instead I decided to raise your family.

Julius

Look, I can't afford to buy all-new school clothes.

Rochelle

I guess that's one more thing you can't stand about your miserable life. My kids are not wearin' these, so you either get new clothes or new kids.

Narrator

He's tryin' to figure out which one is cheaper.

Chris

Call me Stymie, Rochester, Tootsie Roll, Inkwell. Come on, man!

Caruso

What are you doing?

Narrator

Prompting an angry call from Bill Cosby.

I'm failing math. I've got work to do. I don't have time for this.

Chris

Wait, you're not good at math?

What? Just because I'm Asian, I have to be good at math? You're black, can you moonwalk?

Chris

I didn't mean it like that. And no, I can't moonwalk.

So, I can't use chopsticks.

Chris

I don't like watermelon.

I can't make a swan out of paper.

Chris

I don't have sickle cell anemia.

I don't run a dry cleaners.

Narrator

I bet you like rice!

Narrator

I had brought two fighters of different ethnicities together for a fixed fight. I felt just like Don King.

Caruso

Hey, Fried Rice. What took you so long?

Why don't you ask your mother?

Narrator

Caruso had made my life a livin' hell. He had beaten my ass every day and nothing kept him away. Not a 104-degree fever... [Caruso punches Chris in the face and sneezes] ...and not even a national summer holiday.

Caruso

Happy 4th of July, Sammy. [punches Chris]

Narrator

[The Teacher gives to Caruso a report card] When he got a F on his paper.

Caruso

F. [punching Chris in the face]

Rochelle

You got the gout, high blood pressure, arthritis, a bad back, the sniffles, an ingrown toenail, seborrhea, psoriasis, a strained ligament, dyspepsia and gastric reflux.

Narrator

My mom was makin' a lotta sense. Unfortunately, all my dad heard was...

Rochelle

You got the light bill, the gas bill, the phone bill, the heat bill, the water bill, car note, taxes, insurance, food, rent, clothes, heatin', coolin', washin', dryin'...

Narrator

My mom thought it was work that gave my dad stress, but she was wrong. It was debt.

Greg

What are you doing?

Chris

Moving [my dad's car] to the other side of the street.

Narrator

Or to the other side of the borough.

Hey Chris. Can I sit in your car?

Chris

Sure, why not?

Narrator

Because they're underage.

Greg

What's wrong?

Chris

Everything.

Narrator

I'm just glad we're in Brooklyn and not Alabama.

Narrator

When I got older, I was always asking my dad to let me drive.

Chris

Hey Dad, can I drive?

Narrator

And he always said the same thing.

Julius

Drive? Sure, you can drive... as soon as you turn 16, go to driver's ed., get a driver's license, graduate from high school, get a job, get out of my house, get a car, get insurance. Yeah, then you can drive anytime you want.

Narrator

He coulda just said no.