[Walter chokes from cumin from his waffle that Drake made]
[choking and suffering] Cu-cu-cumin!
Cumin!? Cumin!? [angrily takes Drake out of the kitchen while Walter chokes] YOU PUT CUMIN IN HIS WAFFLE?!
You told me to put cumin in his waffle!
I said cinnamon. CINNAMON!
Everything! Alright? Cinnamon is sweet and delicious, cumin is a Mexican spice. You were flavoring a waffle, not a CHIMICHANGA!
Oh, so I made a little mistake.
A HUGE mistake. Alright, Dad's allergic to cumin and he's probably in there dying right now. [pause] DAD! [they run back into the kitchen] Dad! Dad, what do I do!?
[choking and suffering] Inhaler!
[mumbles] Help me find it! [he and Drake find the inhaler in the drawer] Here! Here! Dad! [puts the inhaler in Walter's mouth] Drake, what do I do? [Drake hits Walter's chest] Are you okay? Is that better?
[Audrey angrily comes in and has a fight with Walter about finding loose hair in their shower]
Audrey[angrily] Walter, I am not happy!
Why, because your demon waffles didn't kill me?!
Audrey
What?
You know, I'm allergic to Cumin.
Audrey
So? What does that have to do with anything?
Do you think my thumbs are the same size?
Audrey
If you want to know why I'm not happy, it's because when I got in the shower this morning, I found one of these again. [shows Walter the hairball]
So I left a little hair in the drain.
How 'bout those red sox? They're good, right?
Audrey
When I take my morning shower, I do not enjoy stepping on a hamster!
Hey, anyone want a tangelo?
Mmm. / Tangerine, / Hello.
You know what? I'm going to work.
Audrey
Fine. Why don't you take this with you? I think it might be "take your hairball to work" day!
Audrey
[angrily] Later!
[after Audrey and Walter angrily leave, Drake picks up Walter's waffle he dropped on the floor and takes a bite]
[Josh grab's Walter's waffle off of Drake's hand and throws it to the plant]
[grabs her drink and sees a bug on the wall] Mom, there's a bug on the wall.
Audrey
Josh, go kill the bug.
[gets up but refuses to kill it after Drake injured his foot] Go kill the bug.
I don't want to kill the bug.
Josh, she asked you to do it. [Josh gets an orange and throws it at the bug but he misses] GET UP AND GO SQUISH THAT BUG!
Audrey
Right now!
[worried] Okay. [he gets up and walks with a cane as he tries to kill the bug]
Audrey
Okay, what up with the cane?
[mumbles] I use it to kill bugs and whatnot? [kills the bug with a cane] See? [falls down to the floor when he feels his foot accident]
[gets up] JOSH! [he and Audrey walk up to him after he falls to the floor] What's the matter with you?
I don't know! This house is tilted!
No! Josh crushed his foot and he refuses to go to the hospital.
Audrey
[worried] You what?
Let's get his shoe off. [he and Audrey take him to sit on a chair]
Look, d-don't even worry about it, alright. [Walter takes off his shoe] I'm-I'm sure it's-it's fine, it doesn't really even hurt any- [he, Walter, Audrey, and Megan react at his badly injured left foot after he dropped a barbell on it by Drake, much to his horror, as his foot is now a purplish-black and red mess] MORE!!!
Audrey
OH, NO!!!
Looks like mom's meatloaf! [his parents stare at him] Which tastes so good.
Audrey
How did this happened?
He dropped a barbell on it.
Yeah, after you shot me with a potato.
Audrey
A potato?
[curious] Why didn't you tell us about this?
[worried] 'Cause I'm afraid of hospitals, alright?
Audrey
Do you know how serious this could be?
[after discovering Josh's foot] You could lose that foot!
[whining] But I love this foot!
Audrey
Come on, we need to get him to the hospital right now.
[as Drake leaves, Audrey and Walter help Josh to get to the hospital]
If they have to remove his foot, can I have it?
[the family are at the hospital with Josh sitting in a wheelchair]
Audrey
They have to develop the x-rays.
Audrey
Just be patient. Get it? "Patient"? [laughs] Oh, why do I try?
Seriously, Josh, I don't know why you're so freaked out by hospitals.
[three Paramedics wheel in a seriously injured patient on a gurney while a nurse follows them]
PParamedic
Hurry hurry! Somethings gone wrong! Oh, code red! Code red!
NNurse
What's wrong with him?!
I'm outta here! [he tries to wheel away on his wheelchair, but Walter grabs the handles and pushes him back, and he crosses his arms in frustration for failing to escaping]
Audrey
Look, here comes Drake with your frozen yogurt.
Uh, good. Uh, did they have French vanilla?
[tries to eat the frozen yogurt but notices the cup is empty] It's empty.
[gives the empty cup to Drake] Headaches!
LDr. Lindy
Hi. Sorry to keep you all waiting.
Audrey
How do his x-rays look?
LDr. Lindy
Well, not so good.
Are you going to have to cut off his foot?
LDr. Lindy
No, it's not that serious. But his foot will require a bit of surgery.
See ya! [he tries to wheel away again on his wheelchair, but Walter grabs the handles and pushes him back, and he crosses his arms in frustration again for escaping]
Audrey
Stop that. [to Dr. Lindy] So he really needs surgery?
LDr. Lindy
Yes. If he wants to have complete mobility of his left foot, we will have to operate.
Will you be doing the procedure?
LDr. Lindy
No, we'll get him a foot specialist.
Audrey
And when does the surgery take place?
LDr. Lindy
A few hours. [Josh squeals] I'll have a nurse check him into a room.
Oh, they're gonna carve me up like a Christmas ham!
Relax, she said it wasn't serious.
Audrey
You'll be fine. Now listen, your father is gonna stay here with you while I take Megan home.
Uh, actually, Dad, could you run home and pick me up like a couple magazines and my laptop? Y'know Cause I'm gonn be waiting around for a while.
Audrey
Megan, don't you want to say something to your brother before you go?
[unnerved] Love you, too. [to Drake] Man, I'm scared.
Don't be scared, man. Look, I'm gonna stay right here with you, okay? You got nothing to worry about.
[Megan is in Drake and Josh's room fixing the thermostat]
Audrey
[voiceover] Megan!
Audrey
[voiceover] Where are you?
Um. Hang on. I'm in Drake and Josh's room.
Audrey
There you are. Don't you want dinner? I ordered Chinese.
Audrey
Uh, what are you doing in the boys' room?
Oh, I just wanted to clean up a little, make sure everything's nice for Josh when he gets home from the hospital.
Audrey
You know, I don't think Josh has any idea how lucky he is to have a little sister like you.
It's ok. His happiness is my reward.
[as Audrey leaves Drake and Josh's room, Megan continues fixing the thermostat]
[Flashback #2: in Drake's fake recollection]
[complaining] Hey! What the heck is taking so long?
Oh, don't worry. The line's moving pretty fast.
[complaining] Who asked you?
He said next in line. Get your butt out of your ears!
LBLittle British Girl
[walks up to Drake and Josh] Pardon me sir. I have only 3 weeks to live. May I please cut in front of you? Every minute counts.
[complaining] Ah! For the love of crud!
[Lenny gives a little British girl a foam finger much to Young Drake's delight]
LBLittle British Girl
You're very kind. [leaves]
Uh, 1 foam finger please.
O-kay, it looks like that you got the last one.
[complaining] The last one?!
You're dead, punk! [begins fighting with Young Drake causing a fight for the last foam finger]
[They continue fighting until the cops show up to stop the fight as Drake's recollection ends]
So it was Josh who started the fight.
That is so not how it happened.
Audrey
Oh, that poor little girl.
There's no poor little girl! Why would a dying British orphan be at a Padres game?!
[Flashback #3: in Lenny's real recollection]
[narrating] The Padres were playing against the Giants, and I was selling foam fingers, it was late in the afternoon, these 2 boys get in line at the concession stand...
Audrey
Okay, Drake, here's some money, you get yourself a souvenir.
Audrey
[smiling] Megan! Are you hungry?
Audrey
Yes. You can have a cookie.
TMToddler Megan
I am hungry.
Audrey
Take the cookie.
[walks up to Young Drake] Hey.
I'm gonna buy a foam finger.
[Two little girls walk up behind the boys]
LGLittle Girl
Hi, is it okay if we cut in front of you?
You know, my dad's a weatherman.
[Young Josh looks surprised]
LGLittle Girl
Thanks. Bye. [she and the other little girl leave]
Okay, it looks like you got the last one.
[upset] Aw, that's the last foam finger?
Daddy! [Toddler Megan throws the cookie at Young Josh's head in slow motion] Aaah! [angrily turns to Young Drake] You thumped me!
[truthfully] No, I didn't.
[Young Josh tackles Young Drake for the last foam finger, and they began to fight]
[They continue fighting until the cops show up as Lenny's recollection ends, back to present day]
[realizing] So...it was Megan who started the fight.
That's right. She threw the cookie.
[surprised] Wow. I was even cool then!
[Drake and Josh feel tried and go upstairs as they bring Baaahhb up to their room when they tried to avoid showing it to Audrey and Walter]
[tired, picks up the lamb] Yeah.
[tired] Yeah, come on. Come on. Alright. Now. Uh, you... [now awake] You stay here with the baby and Baaahhb. I'm gonna go downstairs and make sure mom and dad aren't suspicious. [opens the door and screams at Audrey and Walter who look suspicious, much to his horror, he closes the door in front of them and runs up to Drake as he feels shocked] THEY'RE SUSPICIOUS!
[Audrey and Walter come inside Drake and Josh's room and find two sheep in their room thinking they had caused all the trouble they've done]
Audrey
Well, we came up here to ask why you guys are acting so strange tonight.
But, uh, maybe a better question would be: Um, why do you have 2 sheep in your room?
Like technically, the little one is called a lamb.
You, alright, this is all Megan's fault!
Audrey
Here we go again.
No, it is. Oh, go, okay, she bought the big one online.
And then it gave birth on my bed.
[whining] And the whole thing's been really upsetting!
Okay. So you want us to believe that a sweet little 11-year-old girl somehow managed to go on the internet and buy herself a pregnant sheep.
[comes home from oboe practice and goes inside Drake and Josh's room] Hey, what's going on?
Ha! Now she can tell you herself.
Yeah. You put down your oboe and tell them what they did!
What are you guys talking-? [sees a sheep in Drake and Josh's room and drops her oboe] Wow! A sheep! How cute! [gives the sheep a hug] Oh. Where'd you guys get him?
[Audrey and Walter stare at Drake and Josh as Megan pretends to not know about the sheep]
[worried] What? You got-you-you know good and well.
How long are we grounded?
Audrey
A month.
[Audrey and Walter are both satisfied that Drake and Josh are both grounded for one month, the lamb baas whiles Megan hugs a sheep]
[Drake and Josh get ready to ride The Demonator as they leave the house]
[stops the boys from leaving] Woah, woah, woah, woah. Where do you boys think you're going?
We're going to ride The Demonator.
Audrey
No, you promised that you'd stay here and watch Papa Nichols.
Ugh, fine. Here, come on, he can come with us. Come on, Josh, grab his feet.
Why do I always have to grab the feet?
[Drake lifts Papa Nichols' shoulders while Josh lifts his feet]
Guys, you can't take your great-grandfather to ride The Demonator.
Yeah, you only have to be this tall. [he puts his hand about yay high]
The man just had surgery, and he's heavily medicated.
Oh, come on, he fought in World War II.
The Demonator is nothing for a man who's seen combat!
Audrey
Okay, listen to my words. You boys are going to stay here and take care of Papa Nichols, are we clear?
Okay, mom and dad. Here it comes.
Who's ready to go inside?
Audrey
What is up with you guys?
Yeah, you kept us out all day driving all over the city.
Get ready. [he opens the door as he, Josh, Walter, and Audrey come inside the house]
DJDrake and Josh
HAPPY ANNIVERS- [they turn on the lights to reveal that the furniture in the living room has been stolen] -[lamely] sery.
Audrey
Josh!
[Walter and Audrey both get shocked after all of the furniture from the living room disappeared]
Look man, we tried our best I can't think of anything else...
[Drake and Josh realize they're sitting on the couch and feel it to make sure they're not dreaming Josh looks around and sees everything back in the living room]
Audrey
Howdy, boys.
Yeah! How'd you get our furniture back?
Audrey
The police found the robbers moving van.
It was broken down about a half a mile up the street.
And they found everything?
Audrey
It's all here. [smells rotten stench on Drake and Josh] Do I smell rotting sushi?
[cuts Josh off at mid sentence] We don't want to know.
GGreg
[while putting out the fire on Robbie's treehouse after Drake and Josh burned it] Well, fire's out!
Greg, I am so sorry our kids burned down your son's treehouse.
Yeah, if only Josh wouldn't have put that restrictor plate on first... [Josh shoots him a look]
GGreg
Well, it's alright. I'm just a little worried about how Robbie will react, see he can be a little...
RRobbie
[off-screen] Daddy?
GGreg
Oh no. No, I didn't want it to be like...
RRobbie
[walks up to Greg] Daddy? [turns to the remains of his treehouse, dropping his toy truck in shock] What happened to my treehouse?!
GGreg
Son, [kneels down to Robbie's level] Drake and Josh shot it with a rocket and burned it down.
[Robbie turns to Drake and Josh]
[Robbie unleashes a high-pitched cry that causes the Parker-Nichols family to cover their ears and his cry lasts about 10 seconds before Robbie stops]
[sarcastically] Well, that was pleasant!
RRobbie
Why? Why would you do this to me?
RRobbie
That treehouse was the only place I could cry in private!
Audrey
Oh, it's okay, Robbie! I'll tell you what, Drake and Josh, are gonna build you a brand new treehouse!
GGreg
Well, we are driving up to our cottage in Fresno for the weekend. Can you boys rebuild it, tomorrow?
Audrey
Of course, they can.
But we have dates, tomorrow!
I don't know, he says things...
Audrey
[to her children] You can go on your dates, after the three of you finish rebuilding Robbie's treehouse!
Whoa, whoa! By the "three of us", I hope you mean Drake, Josh, and Josh's imaginary friend!
Drake and Josh said you were helping them with the rocket when it flew through the window.
Audrey
So, you have to help rebuild the treehouse tomorrow.
But I'll miss Jeannie's birthday party! [turns to her brothers, venomously whispering] Tell them it wasn't my fault!
Now boys, Megan, [angrily whispers] why don't you tell Robbie you're sorry?
DJDrake, Josh, and Megan
We're sorry.
GGreg
[ruffles Robbie's hair] Atta boy!
Hey, hey, maybe you can cheer yourself up by playing with your cool red truck, here. Come on, try it, dude!
[Robbie turns on his truck, and drives it into the remains of the treehouse, a charred piece of wood falls onto the truck, splitting it in half and Robbie proceeds to scream and cry again, causing the Parker-Nichols family to cover their ears and retreat back to their house]
Audrey
[hears doorbell; talking about Helen and Lula] Walter, she's here.
Ooh. [walks before the front door]
Audrey
Helen, with her grandmother.
[Drake, Josh, and Megan groan]
Hey! Can we have a better attitude about this? We're doing a nice thing for a sweet old lady. [Lula breaks the door in]
LLula
Where's the bathroom?!
Audrey
Did you just break our door in?!
LLula
I rang the doorbell, I waited 25 seconds, nobody came, what was I supposed to do?
Maybe ring the bell again.
LLula
[to Helen] Who's that boy with a big head that looks like a tooth pick with a cantaloupe on top? [Megan laughs and Josh give her a furious look]
What, are we gonna pretend that wasn't funny?
Lula, that's Josh, he works with me at the Premeire. [introduces everyone else] That's Drake, I prefer him. That's Megan, Ms. Parker (Audrey), and this is...[forgets who Walter is]
Audrey
And uh, what do we call you?
LLula
Lula. Where's the bathroom?
Audrey
Right there through that door.
LLula
Well, thank you for finally giving me that information! [walks into bathroom and slams door]
Audrey
Is she always so--?
I can't believe that lady is staying in our guest room for a week.
She's not, she's staying in your room.
Audrey
You're gonna stay in the boys' room.
DJDrake, Josh and Megan
What?!
[to Drake and Josh] Your room is huge. The three of you will be fine for a week.
[while playing with dominos at home] Great present, Walter. [Drake and Josh come home and confront her] What?
When we were in a helicopter alone, running out of fuel.
Until we were rescued by a tuna boat.
Did you bring me some tuna?
Come over here! [Megan screams as Audrey and Walter come home] Come here!
Mom, Walter, you're home, how nice.
Audrey
Hi, baby.
Hey, Megan. So how was the water park?
[Vince doorbells and angrily arrives at Drake and Josh's house]
[Drake and Josh are shocked that Vince stopped by the house, much to their horror]
You blasted me out of my own helicopter.
DJDrake & Josh
Wha-- Shh!
Not in front of our parents.
Audrey
Who is it?
[Josh whistles]
[to Audrey] I'll handle this. [he walks over to Vince] How can I help you?
Yes. [Vince angrily gives him a bill] What's this?
[angrily] A BILL. That's how much you owe me for my new helicopter.
What? [looks at the bill Vince gave him how much he needs to pay for his helicopter] $400,000?!
[Audrey and Megan are both shocked]
[as Walter] Boys, you're both grounded.
[as Walter] Grounded, 2 weeks.
[knowing the consequences, Drake and Josh ground themselves for 2 weeks as the episode ends]
Drake & Josh · 289 quotes
