Josh Nichols quotes from Drake &amp; Josh

I didn't do anything! I-I-It was him, the sheep did this.

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[Drake and Josh feel tried and go upstairs as they bring Baaahhb up to their room when they tried to avoid showing it to Audrey and Walter]

Josh

[tired] Oh, we did it.

[tired, picks up the lamb] Yeah.

Josh

[tired] Yeah, come on. Come on. Alright. Now. Uh, you... [now awake] You stay here with the baby and Baaahhb. I'm gonna go downstairs and make sure mom and dad aren't suspicious. [opens the door and screams at Audrey and Walter who look suspicious, much to his horror, he closes the door in front of them and runs up to Drake as he feels shocked] THEY'RE SUSPICIOUS!

[Audrey and Walter come inside Drake and Josh's room and find two sheep in their room thinking they had caused all the trouble they've done]

Audrey

Well, we came up here to ask why you guys are acting so strange tonight.

Walter

But, uh, maybe a better question would be: Um, why do you have 2 sheep in your room?

Josh

Like technically, the little one is called a lamb.

Walter

Josh.

You, alright, this is all Megan's fault!

Audrey

Here we go again.

Josh

No, it is. Oh, go, okay, she bought the big one online.

And then it gave birth on my bed.

Josh

[whining] And the whole thing's been really upsetting!

Walter

Okay. So you want us to believe that a sweet little 11-year-old girl somehow managed to go on the internet and buy herself a pregnant sheep.

Josh

It does sound unlikely.

It's true!

Josh

It's true!

[comes home from oboe practice and goes inside Drake and Josh's room] Hey, what's going on?

Ha! Now she can tell you herself.

Josh

Yeah. You put down your oboe and tell them what they did!

What are you guys talking-? [sees a sheep in Drake and Josh's room and drops her oboe] Wow! A sheep! How cute! [gives the sheep a hug] Oh. Where'd you guys get him?

[Audrey and Walter stare at Drake and Josh as Megan pretends to not know about the sheep]

Josh

[worried] What? You got-you-you know good and well.

How long are we grounded?

Audrey

A month.

Josh

[defeated] Fair enough.

[Audrey and Walter are both satisfied that Drake and Josh are both grounded for one month, the lamb baas whiles Megan hugs a sheep]

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[During Drake and Josh's final night of their punishment]

Josh

That's it, 30 days. [crosses out day on the calendar] Tomorrow we are free men.

[brushing his teeth] Yeah, it's about time.

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Josh

Can I ask your opinion on something serious?

Is this about your rash?

Josh

No!

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Josh

Where have you been?

I told you, I went to go get a corn dog.

Josh

It took you over an hour just to get 1 corn dog?!

I also had a drink.

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[arrives with his and Josh's drink] Here.

Josh

Hey.

Her plane take off yet?

Josh

Nah. I think it's about to.

Hey, what time does she land in Denver?

WWomen

Uh, you mean the plane that just boarded?

Yeah.

Josh

Uh-huh.

WWomen

That flight's going to Los Angeles.

No it's not.

Josh

It's going to Denver. [drinks his soda then throws it, surprised] PLEASE TELL ME THAT FLIGHT'S GOING TO DENVER!

[he and Josh walk up to the lady] Um, excuse me.

Josh

Look!

That flight's that's about to leave. It's going to Denver right? Say right?

No, this is 647 to Los Angeles. The Denver flight number is 746.

Oh, yeah.

Josh

[angrily] Oh, YEAH? You put our 11 year old little tween sister on a plane to the wrong city!

Alright, alright this is no time to panic!

Josh

This is the perfect time to panic! YOU GOTTA STOP THAT PLANE!

That's impossible.

W-W-W-Well, why JUST CALL THE PILOT MAN AND TELL HIM TO TURN THE PLANE OFF AND NOT TO FLY AWAY.

I'm sorry but once the doors of the plane have been closed the flight can't be stopped from taking off.

Josh

[worried] Okay.

We understand.

Josh

We'll respect your rules.

Let's go home Josh.

Josh

[worried]' Certaily:

Security! Security to gate 9A. [security run to pick up Drake and Josh] SECURITY!

Josh

[angrily while being dragged away by security] OH THATS MY LEGS, DO YOU HAVE A PERMIT FOR THIS? DO YOU HAVE A PERMIT?

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[after airport security had detained Drake and Josh]

HSHead of Security

Alright boys, I hope you learned a very important lesson on how seriously we take airport security.

Oh, we learned. Especially during the strip search.

Josh

Which was shockingly thorough.

HSHead of Security

We do our best. Alright, have a nice day. [to Josh] And good luck with that rash.

Josh

[angrily] Yeah, thanks. Okay, what do we do? How do we find Megan?

Relax, I'll call her cellphone and tell her when she lands in LA just get on another flight back to San Diego. [he calls Megan]

[Megan's cellphone rings]

Josh

[takes it out and reveals that he has Megan's cellphone as he answers it] Hello?

[angrily] YOU FORGOT TO GIVE HER CELLPHONE BACK!?!? MAN THAT'S JUST GREAT THAT'S AWESOME!

Josh

DO NOT GIVE ME YOUR TUDE, I DIDN'T FLY HER OFF TO THE WRONG CITY!

Oh don't you hang up on me!

Josh

Oh, just come on! Uh, excuse me ma'am.

[pulls out mace] Yes?

Josh

We need 2 tickets on the next flight to Los Angeles.

We're going to LA?

Josh

We're going to LA!

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Okay, let's go get Megan!

Josh

Okay, but first...

What?

Josh

I gotta pee really bad.

Well, can't you hold it?

Josh

Yeah, I... [strained] No!

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Josh

I can't believe that we're in Los Angeles driving a stolen car!

It's not stolen.

Josh

STOLEN!!!!

We borrowed it. Which is a perfectly reasonable choice when you're trying to avoid being attacked by 2 maniacs.

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Josh

Good morning class. My name is Mr. Nichols. Now, today we're going to be learning about the atom.

AAdam

Oh! My names Adam.

Josh

No, I mean we'll be learning about molecular bonding. Now, I'm going to be teaching you guys all kinds of cool stuff about chemistry. So, you're going to need these special textbooks.

Advanced molecular theory?

AAdam

[while having a college textbook on his desk] Uh, this is a college textbook!

Josh

I know

Yo, boob.

Josh

Excuse me, Megan, I'm your teacher!

Sorry, Mr. Boob. This stuff is way to hard for us.

[Megan's class mumble]

Josh

Shh! Alright, look, I believe that kids are way more capable then you're givin' credit for.

BBoy

Kevin's eating glue!

Josh

[takes the glue away from Kevin] Don't you know your not supposed to eat glue!? [Kevin mumbles with his mouth full of glue] Look, I just think that young people need to be challenged and I'm Mr. Challenge!

You said you're Mr. Nichols!

AAdam

I thought he was Mr. Boob!

[Megan's class laugh]

Josh

Hey, watch it. Alright, I can be quick with the timeouts! Just saying!

That guy's your brother?

Yeah.

I'm so sorry.

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Josh

[with German accent] Alright, I am a very famous person. Who am I?

A hobo?

Josh

No. Hobos aren't famous. Now, here's the hint. I am a famous scientist.

NNeil

Harry Potter.

Josh

No. Harry Potter is a wizard. Think. I am a German scientist.

AAdam

A hobo!

Josh

[in his normal accent] Dude, I'm Albert Einstein! You should know this from your homework last night.

I told you, we weren't doing it.

Josh

Wait a minute. None of you did your homework?

I tried to, but I couldn't figure it out, so I asked my mom to help me.

Josh

And?

She couldn't figure it out, either. So, she asked my dad, and then he got mad and went to a motel.

Josh

Well, then I guess I'm going to have to give you all a pop quiz.

[Megan's class complain]

SKSeveral kids

WHAT?!

OKOne kid

That's not even fair!

Yo, Einstein. If you give us a quiz on homework we didn't do, we're gonna fail!

Josh

You shouldn've thought of that when you weren't doing your homework.

Your brother is getting on my nerves.

AAdam

Yeah, he's bugging me, too.

It's not my fault.

HMs. Hunter

[comes in] Alright children- Oh no! Security! We've got another hobo in the classroom!

[the security guard sprays Josh's face]

Josh

I'm not a hobo! STAND DOWN!

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Good morning, adolescents. Please take your seats. Taylor, take off your headphones or I will sell them on the internet. [looks at the empty seat] We have an empty seat, who's not here?

BBecca

[runs up to Mrs. Hayfer] Mrs. Hayfer, the lunch ladies are fighting again.

What is it about sloppy joe day that makes those women so violent? [as she leaves] Helga? Helga?!

Josh

So what are the lunch ladies fighting about?

BBecca

Oh, they're not fighting.

Josh

Why'd you tell Mrs. Hayfer they were fighting?

[walks in] Thank you, Becca.

Josh

Of course.

And how could I ever repay you?

BBecca

I think you can guess. [Drake and Becca kiss on the cheek] Let me know if you need more help.

Let me know if you need more Drake. [Becca walks away] Oh, and Josh, you left your ointment at home.

Josh

Is nothing personal?

Well, the lunch ladies were not fighting and I don't know why those girls called- [sees Drake sitting down] Drake Parker, were you here when I left?

Oh, oh, yeah, totally. You probably didn't see me because I had my face buried in this book.

Are you lying to me Drake?

Would I lie to you?

Let me think, yes. But I know someone who never lies. [walks over to Josh] Josh? Was Drake on time to my class today?

Josh

Um, you know, what is time? When you think about it because Einstein theorized that time actually-

Josh!

Josh

[whines] No, he wasn't here on time.

Josh!

Josh

[continues whining] He told that girl to come in here so you'd have to leave so he could to sneak into class. I'm sorry, I can't lie. If you murder me in my sleep tonight I'd appreciate you doing it in a way that's not painful. IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?! [ends up getting a scary emotion]

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See you tomorrow, class.

Okay, how many days of detention are you going to give me?

None!

None!

Josh

She said none.

I heard the none.

I'm putting you in Remedial English. [Drake and Josh gasp] What's the matter, Drake? Did you not enjoy your last experience in Remedial English class?

[Drake has a dream sequence in Remedial English with lack of discipline that includes poorly behaved students]

TMr. Talbot

[with his hands and feet tied-up] Would someone like to come to the board and diagram that sentence? And perhaps untie me.

BBully

[yelling] STOP TALKING!

Oh, I don't think you're allowed to have dogs in school.

BBully

[yelling] YOU LEAVE CUDDLES ALONE!

[the goth girls sit next to Drake]

GGGoth Girl 2

I heard you kiss good.

Oh no, not really!

GGGoth Girl 1

You're our new boyfriend.

GGGoth Girl 2

I get to kiss him first!

GGGoth Girl 1

No, I do!

GGGoth Girl 2

No, you don't!

[the goth girls struggle to kiss Drake]

[whining] SAVE ME CUDDLES! [Drake's dream ends as the scene cuts to him in the classroom] Okay, you cannot put me back in Remedial English!

Well, there is one other option.

What other option?

I could give you a little sibling.

A baby pig?

Josh

A sibling is a brother or sister.

Yes, my husband Gerald is a sponsor for the little sibling foundation.

I'm almost sure little siblings are baby pigs.

[yelling] WELL, THEY'RE NOT!

Josh

Little siblings is an organization that matches up underprivileged kids with an older brother or sister.

So you're gonna punish me by making me babysit some kid?

I'm hoping that it will teach you to be responsible. It's your choice Drake, you can get a little sibling or you can go back to Remedial English class. Which will it be?

I'll take the baby pig.

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[comes in The Premiere and finds Drake and Josh with Sammy] Very, very, interesting.

Mrs. Hayfer, what are you doing out in public?

Apparently, watching you, fail miserably. Josh, would you take Sammy to the nurse for a moment?

Josh

There's no nurse here-

TO THE NURSE!

Josh

Come on, Sammy! [he and Sammy run off]

Mrs. Hayfer, I can explain.

Drake, we had a deal. You stay out of remedial English as long as your Sammy's big sibling but if Sammy prefers Josh, well I think we know what will happen to you.

[Drake has another dream sequence in Remedial English with lack of discipline that includes poorly behaved students and a vicious dog named Cuddles that's controlled by a bully]

TMr. Talbot

[with his hands and feet tied-up] WOULD SOMEONE PLEASE CALL THE POLICE!

[2 Gothic love starved Bartleby sisters try to kiss Drake as Drake's second dream ends]

Okay, okay, just give me 1 day and I promise Sammy will love me.

Make sure it happens. [walks away but stops for a little bit to talk to Drake] Oh, and Drake. Guess what?

What?

[satisfied] I hate you.