[the family are at the hospital with Josh sitting in a wheelchair]
JoshWhat's taking so long?
They have to develop the x-rays.
Josh
I hate this place.
Just be patient. Get it? "Patient"? [laughs] Oh, why do I try?
Seriously, Josh, I don't know why you're so freaked out by hospitals.
[three Paramedics wheel in a seriously injured patient on a gurney while a nurse follows them]
PParamedic
Hurry hurry! Somethings gone wrong! Oh, code red! Code red!
NNurse
What's wrong with him?!
Josh
I'm outta here! [he tries to wheel away on his wheelchair, but Walter grabs the handles and pushes him back, and he crosses his arms in frustration for failing to escaping]
Look, here comes Drake with your frozen yogurt.
Josh
Uh, good. Uh, did they have French vanilla?
Josh
[tries to eat the frozen yogurt but notices the cup is empty] It's empty.
Josh
[gives the empty cup to Drake] Headaches!
LDr. Lindy
Hi. Sorry to keep you all waiting.
LDr. Lindy
Well, not so good.
Are you going to have to cut off his foot?
LDr. Lindy
No, it's not that serious. But his foot will require a bit of surgery.
Josh
See ya! [he tries to wheel away again on his wheelchair, but Walter grabs the handles and pushes him back, and he crosses his arms in frustration again for escaping]
Stop that. [to Dr. Lindy] So he really needs surgery?
LDr. Lindy
Yes. If he wants to have complete mobility of his left foot, we will have to operate.
Will you be doing the procedure?
LDr. Lindy
No, we'll get him a foot specialist.
Josh
Specialist?!
And when does the surgery take place?
LDr. Lindy
A few hours. [Josh squeals] I'll have a nurse check him into a room.
Josh
Oh, they're gonna carve me up like a Christmas ham!
Relax, she said it wasn't serious.
You'll be fine. Now listen, your father is gonna stay here with you while I take Megan home.
Josh
Uh, actually, Dad, could you run home and pick me up like a couple magazines and my laptop? Y'know Cause I'm gonn be waiting around for a while.
Megan, don't you want to say something to your brother before you go?
Josh
[unnerved] Love you, too. [to Drake] Man, I'm scared.
Don't be scared, man. Look, I'm gonna stay right here with you, okay? You got nothing to worry about.
CDr. Carlson
Yes well, I was just coming to talk to you about that. Until I ran into somebody out in the elevator.
[Dr. Nussbaum enters from behind him]
CDr. Carlson
This is Dr. Nussbaum.
Josh
[points at Drake] You mean he's an impostor?!?
CDr. Carlson
It would appear so. [Drake looks at Josh for ideas, only for him to shrug in response, two police officers enter from behind the curtain] Are you aware, that you can go to prison for impersonating a doctor?
[as the group closes in, Drake quickly jumps out the window, roughly landing in a shrub]
[jumps out the window] Ow!
[at the end, Drake and Josh arrive home from the hospital and discover that their room has turned cold by Megan]
Josh
I cannot believe you jumped out that window.
I can't believe I broke my arm.
Josh
Yeah, but at least you don't have to worry about. [starts feeling cold] Uhh! Ok. Is it like really cold in here?
Josh
It must be like 30 degrees.
[comes in Drake and Josh's room] 31 Degrees and dropping.
Alright, Megan. What'd you do?
I just modified the air conditioning in your room. You guys did say you like it cold, right?
Josh
Yeah. That's right.
Josh
So if you thought this was gonna upset us, too bad!
Josh
So ha!
Good. Enjoy the weather. Boobs. [leaves Drake and Josh's room]
Josh
Well, it looks like we foiled her little plan.
Yeah, so she made the room a little cold. Like we care.
Josh
Wanna watch some TV?
[while Drake and Josh are watching TV, they begin to feel snow in their room as snow falls from the ceiling as the episode ends]
Josh
Dude?
[during the end credits, Drake picks up Josh from the floor who got his foot injured and tries to take him to the hospital]
Aw, here, come on, man. Let me take you to the hospital.
Josh
No, no. I'll be fine.
Come on. You said it was broken.
Josh
Ow! I'm not going to an hospital. Look, I'm sure it's just a bruise.
Man, I don't know what happened. I just shoved the potato in here but it wasn't supposed to go off until I pressed the- [Josh angrily throws Drake's toy gun out the window]
[Flashback #1: in Josh's fake recollection]
Young Josh
Hey!
[acting like a bully] Hey.
Young Josh
I'm Josh, what's your name?
Young Josh
I'm gonna buy a foam finger.
Um, could you not talk to me?
Young Josh
Ha-ha! You're funny. Wanna be friends?
If I say yes, will you stop talking to me?
Young Josh
Um, pardon me, but I think you're next in line.
Yeah, I know. Hey girls! Why don't you cut in line you can all buy foam fingers?!
[A group of little girls whoop while cutting and get in line to buy all the foam fingers]
Young Josh
Hey, no cutsies! Um, I was in line! [the little girls leave after buying almost all of the foam fingers] Ladies!
Got any foam fingers left?
[satisfied] Good. I'll buy it. So he can't have it!
Young Josh
Heh!?
Here you go, the last foam finger.
[satisfied] Ha-ha! I got the last foam finger!
Young Josh
Daddy! [Young Drake hits him] You thumped me!
Young Josh
Daddy!
[Young Drake tackles Young Josh, causing a fight for the last foam finger]
[They continue fighting until the cops show up as Josh's recollection ends]
Josh
And then the cops had to come break it up!
[Flashback #2: in Drake's fake recollection]
Young Josh
[complaining] Hey! What the heck is taking so long?
Oh, don't worry. The line's moving pretty fast.
Young Josh
[complaining] Who asked you?
Young Josh
He said next in line. Get your butt out of your ears!
Young Josh
Just hurry it up.
LBLittle British Girl
[walks up to Drake and Josh] Pardon me sir. I have only 3 weeks to live. May I please cut in front of you? Every minute counts.
Young Josh
[complaining] Ah! For the love of crud!
[Lenny gives a little British girl a foam finger much to Young Drake's delight]
LBLittle British Girl
You're very kind. [leaves]
Uh, 1 foam finger please.
O-kay, it looks like that you got the last one.
Young Josh
[complaining] The last one?!
Young Josh
You're dead, punk! [begins fighting with Young Drake causing a fight for the last foam finger]
[They continue fighting until the cops show up to stop the fight as Drake's recollection ends]
So it was Josh who started the fight.
Josh
That is so not how it happened.
Oh, that poor little girl.
Josh
There's no poor little girl! Why would a dying British orphan be at a Padres game?!
[Drake and Josh angrily head to their room]
Josh
What are you doing?
Just thought you might what to see something.
Josh
No! Alright, there is nothing that you can show me right now that would ever make me forgive you- [gasps as Drake shows him his foam finger]
Josh
The foam finger.
The last foam finger from that padres game years ago.
Josh
You kept it all these years?
Sure did...'cause I love It! You see, I forgot how much I love it, but since you reminded me, I'm ready to start, loving it again.
Josh
That finger should belong to me.
Yeah? Well, you can't have it, you know why?
Josh
Why?
Because I'm #1! [Josh attempts to takes it from Drake and misses, he angrily roars and fights Drake, then rips the finger off the foam finger, making it a foam fist, Drake grows angry with Josh] You crossed the line.
Josh
You crossed the line 8 years ago!
Josh
No! [Drake starts taking his things in anger] What are you doing?
Josh
Wait, what are you- Where are you going?!
I'M MOVING OUT! [angrily leaves the room and takes his stuff with him, but he comes back to take his foam finger away from Josh]
[Flashback #3: in Lenny's real recollection]
[narrating] The Padres were playing against the Giants, and I was selling foam fingers, it was late in the afternoon, these 2 boys get in line at the concession stand...
Okay, Drake, here's some money, you get yourself a souvenir.
[smiling] Megan! Are you hungry?
Yes. You can have a cookie.
TMToddler Megan
I am hungry.
Young Josh
[walks up to Young Drake] Hey.
Young Josh
I'm Josh.
Young Josh
I'm gonna buy a foam finger.
Young Josh
Cool.
Young Josh
Hey, you're up.
[Two little girls walk up behind the boys]
LGLittle Girl
Hi, is it okay if we cut in front of you?
Young Josh
Sure.
Young Josh
You know, my dad's a weatherman.
[Young Josh looks surprised]
LGLittle Girl
Thanks. Bye. [she and the other little girl leave]
Okay, it looks like you got the last one.
Young Josh
[upset] Aw, that's the last foam finger?
Young Josh
Daddy! [Toddler Megan throws the cookie at Young Josh's head in slow motion] Aaah! [angrily turns to Young Drake] You thumped me!
[truthfully] No, I didn't.
[Young Josh tackles Young Drake for the last foam finger, and they began to fight]
[They continue fighting until the cops show up as Lenny's recollection ends, back to present day]
Josh
[realizing] So...it was Megan who started the fight.
That's right. She threw the cookie.
[surprised] Wow. I was even cool then!
[Drake and Josh reconcile from their fight]
Josh
Can you believe us? I mean, we've been fighting this whole week. We were fighting when we were 8 years old.
Yeah, I wonder what it's gonna be like when we're 80.
Josh
[chuckles] Yeah.
[Flashforwarding 80 years, Drake and Josh imagine themselves and Megan as seniors, all old and cranky]
EJElderly Josh
I am starving. [blows on his inhaler; an elderly Megan comes to bring them their bowls of food] Starving!
EDElderly Drake
Yeah, where's Megan with our dinna?
EMElderly Megan
I'm comin', I'm comin'! Drake, here's your oatmeal. Josh, here's your cream of wheat. [gives them their bowls] Boobs! [walks away]
EJElderly Josh
Wait. Wait-wait, I wanted the oatmeal.
EDElderly Drake
No, you asked for the cream of wheat.
EJElderly Josh
You gimme that oatmeal!
EDElderly Drake
Over my dead body!
EJElderly Josh
Fine! I can wait 5 minutes.
EDElderly Drake
That's it! I'm eatin' on the other side of the room. [gets up]
EJElderly Josh
Well, who needs ya? [gets up cracking his back, as Megan secretly throws a cookie at him and quickly escapes] You threw somethin' at me!
EDElderly Drake
That's a lie!
EDElderly Drake
Oh, it's on!
EJElderly Josh
It's go time!
EDElderly Drake
I'll show you go time!
EJElderly Josh
I am comin' at you, fast as lighting!
[Both fight until they fall asleep on the couch as the episode ends]
[Drake and Lucy continue their wrestling match downstairs, ruining Josh and Mindy's dinner as Megan and the kids cheer]
Josh
[incredibly furious after making Drake stop fighting by picking him up] IT'S A DRAW!
CMr. Crenshaw
Josh, who are these people?
Josh
Uh, this is my brother Drake. Drake, this is-
CMrs. Crenshaw
He's your brother?
CMr. Crenshaw
I knew it! I knew these were not the kind of people our daughter should be associating with. Mindy, we're going!
Josh
[incredibly furious at Drake] You see what you do? 1 night. 1 night, I ask you to help me and you ruin it!
Josh
[still incredibly furious] Look, I-I told you how important this was to me. I told you that this was my last chance to impress Mindy's parents. I-I spent like 2 days working on this dinner and I spent like 300 bucks on a dumb harpist, who at this point, SHOULD STOP PLAYING! [the harpist stops playing] And I don't even care what you think of Mindy, alright? Because she is the best thing that ever happened to me and I can't date her anymore because you wrecked it! Alright, y-y-you you wrecked my dinner, you wrecked my $100 ice sculpture, and you wrecked my relationship!
[confused] Y-You spent $100 on ice?
[Josh attacks him and begins to fight with him]
[breaks up the brothers from fighting] Stop!
CMr. Crenshaw
Listen, Josh. I think...that you and Mindy should continue dating.
Josh
[surprised] For real?
[also surprised] Why'd you changed your mind?
CMrs. Crenshaw
Because any young man who cares that much about our Mindy. I think you understand.
Josh
[relieved] Thank you so much, Mr. & Mrs. Crenshaw.
CMr. Crenshaw
Just one thing.
Josh
Yes, sir?
CMr. Crenshaw
[to Drake and Lucy] What were you two fighting about?
Oh, see, I challenged him to a wrestling match because he didn't believe that I was tougher than him.
CMr. Crenshaw
Well, of course you're not. [chuckles]
CMr. Crenshaw
Physically, boys are genetically superior to girls.
CMrs. Crenshaw
Oh, Paul, you sound like an idiot.
CMrs. Crenshaw
You know, fighting has to do with skill, not male-vs-female genetics.
CMr. Crenshaw
Oh, don't be absurd. Men are tougher than women.
CMrs. Crenshaw
Oh, I have stakes tougher than you.
Well, I guess there's only one way to settle this.
[Mindy's parents get into a fight as the episode ends]
[Drake and Josh find a sheep in the garage in the middle of the night]
Josh
What up with the sheep?
[comes in the garage] Why are you guys in the garage? Did you hurt my sheep?
Yes, he's mine. Are you okay, Baaahhb?
Josh
His name is Bob?
No, he's a sheep, his name is Baaahhb!
It's not Bob, it's Baaahhb.
Josh
[stares at Drake] Yes, I get it. [to Megan] Here's a crazy question, where'd you get a sheep?
I bought him on the internet.
Josh
[sarcastically] Oh, excuse me for not being familiar with the sheepstore.com.
I thought mom and dad said you can't have a pet.
No, they said I couldn't have a cat. They said nothing about a sheep.
Josh
Well, when mom and dad find Baaahhb, you're going to be in some big time trouble, little girl.
No, they're not gonna find it because you two are gonna hide him in your room.
Josh
Oh, really.
And what makes you think we're gonna do that?
Well, if you two hide him, just till I figure out a way to explain to mom and dad.
Josh
Yeah.
I promise not to pull any pranks on you for 3 months.
[Drake and Josh both gasp]
Josh
For real?
Josh
Think about it.
A world where Megan doesn't do bad things to us.
[Drake and Josh both have a daydream set at a garden where Megan happily throws flowers at them and they dance together; back to reality]
DJDrake and Josh
We'll do it. [suddenly let go of their hands in disgust]
That's all I need. Now you take Baaahhb up to your room and make him comfortable. [she gives her pet sheep to Drake and Josh] And uh, be sure he has plenty of water. Night! [leaves the garage]
Josh
Alright, we should take Bob up to our-
[Josh sprays Drake's face to make him hush]
Drake & Josh · 289 quotes
