[during the end credits, Josh reads an e-mail to Drake as Drake is feeling sad about Yooka]
Josh[sits at his computer] Oh Drake, check out this email from Yooka. She writes, [reads, in a poor Yudonian accent] when we got back to Yudonia, I met a wonderful boy named Akbu! We fell in love and are engaged to married. He is a big fan of American baseball, so my father bought him the Boston Red Sox! [talks normal] Man, what you think of that?
[sits on the couch, crying] Boosha! [blows his nose]
Josh
Maybe I just like you, too!
Josh
Yeah. Maybe I've liked you for a really long time, but I didn't realize it 'cause I hated you so much!
Are you saying you like me or not?
Josh
Are you saying you like me or not?!
Josh
Well, I'm sayin' I like you!
Josh
Fine!
Then I guess we're boyfriend and girlfriend!
Josh
1 condition!
Josh
I get to be the boyfriend!
[Drake takes Josh upstairs to their room to have a private conversation about their dad]
Josh
Drake.
We've got a problem with dad.
Josh
I got him a dandruff shampoo.
This isn't a dandruff problem, Josh. It's a woman problem.
Josh
Dad has cramps?
Listen to me, Josh. I overheard dad talking on the phone and- Well, I think he's-I think he's seeing another woman.
Josh
Seeing another woman do what?
I think he's dating another woman.
Josh
What?! Dad can't be dating another woman. He's married to our mom! [laughs] Ooh.
Josh
But dad's not the kind of guy to go running around with other women. He loves mom and has dandruff.
Oh, yeah? Then why was he telling that woman on the phone that he's "interested" and she's all he's been thinking about, huh?
Josh
You overheard him say that?
Josh
Hushed?
Josh
Oh, man. Look, maybe you misunderstood.
Josh
Alright. Well, let's not do anything yet. Let's just, Um...keep our eyes open for the next few days, but don't say a word to mom.
No way. Wait. Hey, uh...you got some White flakes. White flakes. [wipes something off of Josh's back]
Josh
D'oh, it's hereditary!
[Walter comes home late while wearing a suit, then he closes the door quietly but he is stopped by Josh]
Josh
What's up?
Nothing. What makes you think something's up? I mean, heh, come on. Heh, come on.
Josh
Where've you been?
Josh
Where have you been?
I was, um...out buying some milk.
Josh
Ok. Where is it?
Josh
The milk, where is it?
I drank it on the way home.
Josh
Ok. Why are you wearing a suit?
What, a man can't look nice when he goes dairy shopping?
Josh
So at midnight, you put on a suit, drove to the market, bought some milk, and then drank the entire carton on the way home?
Look, let's just not tell your mom about this. Alright? Right?
Josh
Yeah. Sure. [he runs off]
[Josh panics as he runs up to his room to wake Drake up]
Josh
Drake, wake up! Drake, Drake! I have to talk to you! Drake, wake up! [climbs onto Drake's bed and jumps on him] DRAKE, WAKE UP! I HAVE TO TALK TO YOU! Hi.
Josh
Look, Drake, alright, you were right.
Great. Can you hand me that bullhorn?
Josh
Sure. [gives Drake a bullhorn]
Thanks. [turns the bullhorn on, yells in it] GET OFF OF ME! [Josh gets off] Now, what was I right about?
Josh
About dad, alright? I think he is dating another woman.
Josh
Well, I caught him sneaking in. He was wearing a suit. When I asked him where he'd been, he says: [imitates Walter] "I was out buyin' milk, but I drank it all on the way home!"
Josh
I know!
I really needed some milk.
Josh
[slaps Drake with a pillow] THIS - IS NOT - ABOUT - YOUR DAIRY - NEEDS!!! I can't believe that dad's cheating on mom.
Okay, we don't-we don't know for sure.
Josh
Yeah, well, I gotta know.
Okay, tell you what, tomorrow we'll-we'll skip school and follow dad around and see what he's up to.
Josh
Excuse me? [picks up his trophy] Perfect attendance since nursery school.
Ah, the golden dork award.
Josh
I'm not ditchin' school.
Well, so you'll bring in a doctor's note and it won't count as an absence.
Josh
Where am I gonna to get a doctor's note?
[Drake pulls a box out from his bed]
Uh, you want small pox or hemorrhoids?
[Walter chokes from cumin from his waffle that Drake made]
Josh
A-Are you okay?
[choking and suffering] Cu-cu-cumin!
Josh
Cumin!? Cumin!? [angrily takes Drake out of the kitchen while Walter chokes] YOU PUT CUMIN IN HIS WAFFLE?!
You told me to put cumin in his waffle!
Josh
I said cinnamon. CINNAMON!
Josh
Everything! Alright? Cinnamon is sweet and delicious, cumin is a Mexican spice. You were flavoring a waffle, not a CHIMICHANGA!
Oh, so I made a little mistake.
Josh
A HUGE mistake. Alright, Dad's allergic to cumin and he's probably in there dying right now. [pause] DAD! [they run back into the kitchen] Dad! Dad, what do I do!?
[choking and suffering] Inhaler!
Josh
[mumbles] Help me find it! [he and Drake find the inhaler in the drawer] Here! Here! Dad! [puts the inhaler in Walter's mouth] Drake, what do I do? [Drake hits Walter's chest] Are you okay? Is that better?
[Audrey angrily comes in and has a fight with Walter about finding loose hair in their shower]
[angrily] Walter, I am not happy!
Why, because your demon waffles didn't kill me?!
Josh
Your hair looks pretty.
You know, I'm allergic to Cumin.
So? What does that have to do with anything?
Do you think my thumbs are the same size?
Josh
One looks thicker.
If you want to know why I'm not happy, it's because when I got in the shower this morning, I found one of these again. [shows Walter the hairball]
So I left a little hair in the drain.
Josh
How 'bout those red sox? They're good, right?
When I take my morning shower, I do not enjoy stepping on a hamster!
Hey, anyone want a tangelo?
Josh
Mmm. / Tangerine, / Hello.
You know what? I'm going to work.
Fine. Why don't you take this with you? I think it might be "take your hairball to work" day!
[after Audrey and Walter angrily leave, Drake picks up Walter's waffle he dropped on the floor and takes a bite]
[Josh grab's Walter's waffle off of Drake's hand and throws it to the plant]
[Drake and Josh both sneak into the restrant that Walter and Peggy are at to tell her to leave their father alone]
Josh
Hi.
PPeggy
Hello? Did I order 2 teenagers?
No, actually uh, Walter is our dad.
PPeggy
Oh, oh, this is awkward. Um, see I-I really don't think Walter wants you to know what's going on just yet.
Josh
Yeah, well, we do know what's going on, we're not to happy about it.
PPeggy
Really? Wow, I thought 2 teenager boys would find it exciting.
Well, we don't so maybe you wouldn't mind you know backing off.
PPeggy
[chuckles] I don't think so.
Josh
Why not?
PPeggy
Because I want your dad.
PPeggy
Granted, I was considering a few other men and 1 woman but there's something about your father that feels right.
Josh
Well, how nice for you.
PPeggy
I know. I think this can be great for your mother, too. Look, when I see someone I want, I go after him.
Josh
Yeah? When we see someone we don't like, we do this. [dumps pasta on Peggy's head]
And sometimes, we even do this. [shoves a cake in Peggy's face, as Walter returns]
Drake! Josh! What have you done?
PPeggy
Walter.... If this is how you raise your children to behave! Then, I have no interest in pursuing you any further!
PPeggy
Goodbye, Walter! [spits at him and angrily storms away]
[Drake and Josh are trumphant as Walter angrily stares at them when he found those them as they we're sneaking in his business]
Josh
We know you're mad.
Josh
Alright, we couldn't let that skunk-bag steal you away from mom.
Yeah, and ruin our whole family!
Josh
But don't worry.
We won't tell mom about this whole "episode".
Josh
[satisfied] We got your back! [they pat him]
You think, I was dating that woman?
Josh
Well, uh...
Boys, that "skunk-bag" just happens to be the senior producer of Good Morning Today, and she was talking to me about being the weatherman, on the #1 [angrily] NATIONAL MORNING SHOW IN AMERICA!!!
Josh
Well, that's different.
Josh
Bye. [try to leave, but Walter stops them]
No, you're not! You're gonna do something else.
Josh
Right.
Josh
Now?
[for costing Walter his job, Drake and Josh are forced to dump food all over themselves as the episode ends]
[Josh pretends to be Tori while Drake plays himself]
Josh
[in a very girly voice] What is it, Drake?
Okay, I can't do this if he's gonna talk like that.
Josh
I'm being a girl.
What girl has a mustache other than your grandmother?
Josh
[angrily] THAT TEARS IT!
[stops the fight] Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Alright, just do this.
[Josh hums as Tori]
Now, I-I really like you I- [Josh hums again] But-but I think we have to break up! [Josh begins to cry] See! I can't handle it!
Just keep going you can handle it.
Look I-I just think I should date other people and you should too!
Josh
[in a very girly voice] Well, I guess I understand.
Josh
[whining] Yes?
Josh
[angrily] OUT! [he makes Drake leave]
Josh
Um, uh, yeah. She's over there with another good-looking guy.
Oh good, cause I have a hot date coming here [stares at Josh's half shaved mustache] What happened to the other half of your mustache?
Josh
I woke up this morning and it was just gone.
Well, then why don't you shave off the other half?
Josh
No! Alright, that's just want Mindy wants me to do.
Dude, if you shave it off, she will kiss you!
Josh
Well, there are more important things in life than kissing girls.
Josh
I can't!
You have to keep your dumb mustache. Come here!
Josh
What are you doing?
Restashing you! [draws a mustache on Josh's face]
Josh
Do I look good?
Josh
Hot Liza?
The hottest. You think she'll make Tori jealous?
[Josh mumbles]
Hey Liza! You know my brother Josh.
LLiza
What's up with his-?
Come with me! [he and Liza leave]
[while wandering around Helens house] Man, Helen, you got a groove machine? And a hot tub? Man, this place must've cost you like, a billion dollars.
Josh
Yeah, how do you afford all this?
Is that some of your business?
Well, I'll tell you, Drake. I still get money from Happy Times.
Josh
Happy Times, wasn't that like a TV show back in the 70s?
Whoa, you played the little sister on Happy Times?
Yes, I was little Georgia.
Josh
So cool.
Well you know, I don't like to brag about it you know. You want to watch an episode? (They both say yes) The tapes on top of the VCR and Josh you help me get to the sofa.
Josh
Alright.
[Drake turns on the TV while Josh and Helen sit on the sofa]
Just put it on auxiliary 1 and press play.
Josh
Auxiliary 1 and play.
[a clip from Happy Times play when Helen appears on the show as Georgia]
MMark
Hey Georgia! Come throw the football with me!
GGeorgia
You throw that football in this house, mama's gonna beat you like a cheap drum.
MMark
Here catch! [throws the football and breaks the flower vase]
GSGeorgia's Mom
Mark, you go to your room right now!
MMark
Yes ma'am! [leaves and gets grounded by their mom]
GSGeorgia's Mom
And Georgia, you get some paper towels and help me clean this mess up.
GGeorgia
That is not my job!
Yeah, that was my catchphrase!
Josh
That is not my job!
[Josh has a dream as he imagines what will happen to Helen if she got killed. All theater workers wear black vests.]
PPriest
Today, we come to lay to rest Helen Ophelia Dubois, or you might know her as Georgia, the spunky kid sister in the hit show "Happy Times".
[Everyone murmurs about Helen's show, Happy Times]
[mimicking Georgia] That is not my job!
PPriest
But sadly, these are not happy times, because Helen was abandoned in her time of need. Abandoned by that man! Josh Nichols! How could you, Josh?!
[Everyone leaves while saying "It's all your fault" to Josh]
[as Josh's dream ends, his phone rings]
Josh
[answers the phone revealing it's Megan] Hello?
Josh, did you lose something?
Josh
What do you mean?
I found your boss at the park talking to a bush. So I brought her home.
Josh
Helen's at our house?
[at Drake and Josh's house] One cup that holds soda and popcorn and candy! [laughs] That's revolutionary!
Josh
Just don't let her go anywhere. Alright, I'm coming to get her! [hangs up and leaves]
GGavin
[picks up his pillow] Gonna take a nap on the roof. [leaves]
[grabs her drink and sees a bug on the wall] Mom, there's a bug on the wall.
Josh
[gets up but refuses to kill it after Drake injured his foot] Go kill the bug.
I don't want to kill the bug.
Josh, she asked you to do it. [Josh gets an orange and throws it at the bug but he misses] GET UP AND GO SQUISH THAT BUG!
Josh
[worried] Okay. [he gets up and walks with a cane as he tries to kill the bug]
Okay, what up with the cane?
Josh
[mumbles] I use it to kill bugs and whatnot? [kills the bug with a cane] See? [falls down to the floor when he feels his foot accident]
[gets up] JOSH! [he and Audrey walk up to him after he falls to the floor] What's the matter with you?
Josh
I don't know! This house is tilted!
No! Josh crushed his foot and he refuses to go to the hospital.
Let's get his shoe off. [he and Audrey take him to sit on a chair]
Josh
Look, d-don't even worry about it, alright. [Walter takes off his shoe] I'm-I'm sure it's-it's fine, it doesn't really even hurt any- [he, Walter, Audrey, and Megan react at his badly injured left foot after he dropped a barbell on it by Drake, much to his horror, as his foot is now a purplish-black and red mess] MORE!!!
Looks like mom's meatloaf! [his parents stare at him] Which tastes so good.
He dropped a barbell on it.
Josh
Yeah, after you shot me with a potato.
[curious] Why didn't you tell us about this?
Josh
[worried] 'Cause I'm afraid of hospitals, alright?
Do you know how serious this could be?
[after discovering Josh's foot] You could lose that foot!
Josh
[whining] But I love this foot!
Come on, we need to get him to the hospital right now.
[as Drake leaves, Audrey and Walter help Josh to get to the hospital]
If they have to remove his foot, can I have it?
Drake & Josh · 289 quotes
