[Drake and Josh are sent to jail by the FBI for selling the grills, which were stolen by the 2 men]
JoshWait, wait, wait, you can't lock me in here. I'M ON THE HONOR ROLL! [the police lock the bars] Drake, do something!
Yeah, what do you want me to do?
Josh
Tell them we didn't steal those grills!
I did, they don't believe us!
Josh
Well, I don't belong in prison! Prison is for scum! And lowlifes! [other prisoners glare at him] Except for you guys. I'm sure you're all wonderful people. Maybe later we can all get together and [grabs the bars] OH, LET ME OUT OF HERE! I HAVE A PIANO LESSON!!! [Drake grabs him]
Don't freak out, right? We'll figure a way out of this but until then just be cool. Okay? These guys are tough.
Josh
Right.
[Drake brought a trash dog to his and Josh's room to prank and wake up Josh]
Josh
Oprah? Oh, Oprah. [screams and wakes up after the trash dog licks his face] Who's dog is this?
I just found him rooting through the garbage outside.
Josh
So you let him lick my face?
Josh
Late for what?
Dude, it's Saturday morning. Cheerleader car wash at the Hexaco Station. Come on, it's already 10:00.
Josh
10:00? Oh, no, I'm late. I'm supposed to be at Drew's.
You're hanging out with Drew today?
Josh
He's got a virtual reality snowboarding game with a real snow machine and everything.
So, what, you're just gonna be gone all day?
Josh
But now, you can have more Drake time. Everybody wins. See you. [leaves]
Well, trash dog, it looks like it's just you and me. [the trash dog leaves] Hey, I have garbage! [picks up the trash can]
[Mrs. Hayfer is angry that her car is in her classroom and believes Drake did it when he is wrongfully accused of pulling a prank on her]
Alright, now we know that Romeo was not allowed to snuggle Juliet, not even on the weekends and... where'd that jacket come from?
BBud
It was in your trunk.
Josh
Hey, Drake, that's your jacket.
Yeah, it was stolen out of my locker a couple days ago.
Or did you leave it in the trunk last night when you were parking my car in this classroom?
I told you, Mrs. Hayfer, I didn't do this.
[angrily] You are suspended, Drake Parker.
[angrily] TO THE NURSE! [Drake gets out of Mrs. Hayfer's car]
[Drake is home from school after being suspended by Mrs. Hayfer]
I told you, I didn't do it! I swore on Mom's grave!
[Audrey and Walter come inside Drake and Josh's room]
Excuse me, still alive here.
Sorry, it's an expression.
Megan': Are you gonna yell at Drake?
Fine. If he cries, and I miss it, I'm just gonna have to make him cry again.
So, we just got off the phone with your principal.
Look, I promise you guys. I did not put her car in that classroom. You don't believe me.
Well, you have been known to 'act out'.
You drove the lawnmower into the living room.
You filled our swimming pool with lobsters.
Should I mention the stink bomb at my sister's wedding?
Oh, come on, even you hate your sister.
Look Drake, it doesn't matter what we believe. Your school has rules.
A suspension means that you can't go on your class ski trip, you can't compete in the talent show.
This is so unfair! I can't believe that Mrs. Hayfer can just decide I'm guilty.
Josh
[comes in the room] She can't!
Josh
According to my pocket-sized school handbook. Any accused student can appeal his case before the honor council.
Josh
It's like a trial and a jury of students decides whether you're innocent or guilty.
How were you going to make money with lobsters?
Focus Walter. Alright Josh, I want to do this how do I go before the honor closet?
Josh
Well first, it's called the honor council. And second I've already submitted your case.
Oh really. That's awesome.
Josh
We go to trial in 2 days.
Josh
And I'm gonna defend you.
[Drake and Josh hop up from behind the couch and sit on either side of Megan, smiling smugly.]
[singing] We're gonna be the boss of you
Josh
[singing] And you have to do-oo what we say
Josh
[singing] Ha-ha ha haa!
Okay, you, can't sing. You're a moron. And what are you talking about anyway?
We're talking about the fact that Mom and Dad are gonna be out of town all weekend.
Josh
Which means we are in charge of the house.
Josh
The TV set.
Oh, you guys think you're going to be in charge?
Josh
Yeah, we are.
In fact, I've decided to change the channel. [changes the channel on TV]
I was watching something.
Josh
Um. Were.
Yeah, good one. [he and Josh fist pump]
[stands up] GIVE ME THE REMOTE.
[stands up] I don't think so, Megan. In fact, why don't you just run up to your- [Megan flips him over]
Josh
[stands up] What the? Megan, you can't just flip someone- [Megan flips him and sits on the couch with the remote]
[Audrey and Walter are having a phone call with Drake and Josh about the party at home]
Josh
Hello, happy Saturday!
Josh? Is anything going on there?
Josh
Uh... no, nothing to speak of!
Well, we're watching TV and we could swear we're looking at a wild party going on in our living room.
Josh
[horrified, to Drake] It's for you! [gives him the phone]
[takes the phone from Audrey, angrily] Alright Drake, I don't know what's going on, but we're coming home.
No! No! Uh... [Walter hangs up] No you can't, it's just- !
Josh
So how's L.A.?
[shocked] They're on their way home.
Josh
Oh!
Man, if we don't get all these people out of here in less than 2 hours, our lives are over.
Josh
Well, what are we gonna do?
[Josh turns off the radio and honks at everyone]
NNikki
Hey, what's going on?
CGCollege Guy
Turn the music back up!
Josh
Okay, we have an emergency!
Ah, yes, it seems we have a serious gas leak here in the Drake and Josh Inn!
CGCollege Guy
Oh, uh, sorry, I think that was me.
Josh
No! Alright, there is a serious leak of hydro... mono... monoxipuff gas!
Uh, yeah, it makes your eyes bleed!
Josh
So if everyone will please leave the building immediately-
NNikki
Yeah! Come on, let's party!
[everyone starts dancing again]
[to Megan, through a walkie talkie] Now!
[in Drake and Josh's room] Copy! [turns on a gas machine linked to the vent in Drake and Josh's room as green gas begins emanating from the vent in the living room to kick out all of the spring breakers before Audrey and Walter come home]
Josh
Oh, no! Look! [points to the vent]
[everyone starts screaming and leaves the house when Megan pranks them]
Josh
Now, lock it! Now, hug me, brother! [he and Drake hug each other after everyone leaves the house]
[cops arrive after hearing about how the Nicholas-Parkers' house was having a party with college kids on TV]
Yes, officers, can we help you?
CCop
Yes. Sir, do you know it's against the law to host a televised event from a private residence without a city-authorized permit?
We didn't host a televised event.
CCop
Yeah, we have evidence that says you did.
CCop
Come with us, please. [they grab Walter and Audrey]
But, you see, look- I'm a weatherman. [cop shuts the door]
Josh
Okay, we're ready!
Hello? [finds out that Audrey and Walter left as the episode ends]
[Drake and Josh dress up as burglars and are sneaking inside Megan's room]
Josh
Okay, now, look around, find some evidence that proves that she's a demon and then let's get out of here!
Yeah, this place gives me the skives.
Josh
Do you see anything?
Josh
Okay. Find anything over there?
Wait, Josh, Josh come here! [picks up Megan's picture]
Josh
What?
Check out this family picture!
Josh
What about it?
Josh
Will you please stay focused!? [takes Megan's picture away from him] See anything yet? Check in the closet. [Drake opens and checks Megan's closet] See anything in there?
Man, there's nothing in here. It just looks like a normal girl's room.
Josh
[hears electrical sound] Oh, you think? [takes unicorn poster off wall to find a spy monitor behind it] Holy cheese! Look at all that equipment!
So this is how she always knows what we're doing! What do you think this button does? [presses button and it shocks Josh's butt]
Josh
So that's why that's been happening! I thought it was puberty.
Come on, let's just get this back up. [puts the unicorn poster back on the wall]
Josh
What do we do now?
When mom and dad come home, we'll show them this stuff then they'll see how Megan really is.
Josh
Yeah, yeah. Cause now, we got evidence baby. Come on, let's get out of here. [he and Drake leave Megan's room, but Drake stops by to stare at Megan's picture some more which causes Josh to come back] PUT IT DOWN! [Drake puts Megan's picture down and Josh points to the door so that way he could make Drake leave Megan's room]
[Opening comments: Josh is emailing his e-pal from a foreign country while Drake got so thirsty and prank called Josh]
Josh
[looks up from a book] Have you ever been really good friends with someone you never even met before?
[looks up from a magazine] Have you ever been really thirsty, just didn't feel like getting up?
Josh
See, for over a year now, I've been e-mailing this girl from a foreign country. [telephone starts ringing] 1 sec. [picks up phone] Hello?
[on the phone in a bad accent] Yeah, this is Lieutenant Peterson with the San Diego Police Department.
Josh
[skeptical and aware it's actually Drake] Oh is it?
[still using the bad accent] Yeah, you're gonna need to get a can of soda upstairs to your brother, a code 3.
Josh
[getting annoyed with Drake] Code this! [blows whistle into the phone receiver loudly as he and Drake hangs the phone up] Anyway, back to my e-pal, Yooka. It's kinda weird to be friends with someone you've never met or even talked to on the phone, but I— [telephone rings again and gets angry revealing that it's Walter on the phone thinking it's Drake] If you call me one more time, I will take an entire bottle of maple syrup and pour it all over your underwear drawer, so for the next 90 days you could walk around with sticky butt!
[confused] Josh, it's your father.
Josh
Nice try, you big doof! [hangs up the phone] Man! If he's so thirsty, why can't he go downstairs, go in the kitchen and get himself— [looks and sees Drake sitting on the couch with a soda and realizes his mistake] Oh, jeez.
Josh
Oh hey, Craz- Uh, Steve.
Heh. So, I got that uh, I got that foreign film ready for ya in Theater 5.
Josh
Oh uh, oh okay. Well, um, the thing is we, we decided to see Puppet Fever instead.
Well, that's going to be a little problem. See because, when you asked me to find that movie for you, I, I spent five hours on the phone tracking it down and talking Helen into letting me screen it for you. So, now that I've done all that... [furious] SOMEBODY'S GONNA BE WATCHING ICK GLOKMAH, TONIGHT! OR ELSE SOMEBODY'S GONNA BE AN ORGAN DONOR BEFORE THEIR 17TH BIRTHDAY, JOSH NICHOLS!!!
Josh
[to Drake and Yooka] So, I'm going to see Ick Glokmah.
Josh
[smiles] You know, you're going to ruin your cuticles.
[stops, unamused] Yeah, you can make jokes. You're still single.
Josh
She just wants to stay in America. You might be technically married, but it's not like it's going to change your life.
Yeah, I just need something to get my mind off of it. [sees Allie walk up to the stand] Well hello, something... [walks over and discreetly knocks her purse off the counter, picking it back up] Uh, excuse me? Is this your purse on the floor?
AAllie
[takes it] Yeah, thanks. It must've fallen when I wasn't looking.
Well then, this is your lucky day.
Well, you got your purse back and, I'm free tonight.
AAllie
[flirts] Then it is my lucky day.
YYooka
[walks up behind her] Ahem.
Yooka? What're you doing here?
YYooka
[to Allie] You, you take your eyes off my husband! You skunk bag!
Josh
Skunk bag?
Uh, no, no! You see, I'm not really her husband. We're just married.
AAllie
You're married, and you're hitting on me?!
[sheepishly chuckles] You see, there's a funny story...
[Allie smacks Drake with her purse, as she and her friend storm off into the theater]
Ok, Drake. I just want you to calmly explain to me [yelling] WHY YOU ARE MARRIED TO THAT EUDONAIN GIRL!
Well, you see Josh arranged this-this whole friendship ceremony, but-but it turned to be a marriage ceremony.
Josh
What!? Drake's the one that said: [whining] "EE-NAY KURESAI M'JOONGA OON-TA-YAH" WHEN THE SUN WAS IN THE HOUSE OF KARFLOG!!
AAudurey
[confused] What?
Alright. We'll just call the Eudonain embassy and we'll have them annll the marriage.
Josh
I tried. You can't get the marriage annlled unless both the husband and wife agree. Don't worry, alright. I'm working on a plan.
Oprah is never calling you back!
Josh
No. [opens the fridge and gets a container out of there and places it on the table] Mom, dad, just go out there and keep Yooka's parents busy for a while. [Audrey and Walter stare at him] Just trust me.
Alright, come on. [he and Audrey walk away]
You really think you can fix this?
Josh
[opens the window] I think so. But just in case, [grabs a knife holder] best we don't have these in the house. [throws it out the window]
[the family is having dinner]
Josh
More meatballs?
YYonka
Mmmm! Please. This food is most excellent.
Josh
Glad ya like it.
You know, Josh has always been a wonderful cook. In the 5th grade, he won 1st prize for his brownie recipe. What'd you call that son? Fudgie boos?
Josh
Oh, dad, please stop talking.
No, no, no, that wasn't. It. It was frosty poos.
Josh
Right. So I'm gonna get more meat.
YYeesta
So, Drake, you have not, told me how you plan to support my daughter.
Well, my hope is to, become a famous musician and singer.
YYonka
You must get a real job.
Yeah. My grades are very important to me.
Yeah, do you know how hard he works to maintain his "D" average?
YYonka
I say school not so Important. I not go to school, yet I become billionaire by age.
A B-Billionaire? Like with a "B"?
Why you didn't tell me. Your family had a billion dollars? That's worth mentioning... My sweet, sweet wife.
Oh, money... Yooka! Ohhh, Yooka.
YYonka
Josh, this meat is magnificent. We don't have beef like this in our homeland.
Josh
Oh, that's not beef.
YYeesta
Oh? Then what is this meat?
Josh
It's goat.
YYeesta
You serve us goatballs?!
YYooka
Josh, how you could do this?!
Josh
Well, it was Drake's idea. In fact, he cooked this entire meal.
Be quiet, Josh. They have a billion dollars.
YYooka
Drake! You know that goat is sacred in my country!
Yes, Yes! I know! I would never serve goat to my wonderful Yudonian family with so much money!
[Yonka ends the marriage right away as Yooka's family leaves Drake and Josh's home, much to Drake's horror]
YYonka
Family, we go. Now!
Wait, Wait! Don't go! I love you all so much!
YYeesta
[angrily] BOOSHA!
YYonka
[angrily] THIS MARRIAGE IS NO MORE! [rips up Drake and Yooka's certificate]
Yooka! Yooka, wait! Don't go! What about the love we share?! I'm sorry about the glokmah! Wait. Can't I just have a few million dollars? Please? [Yooka and her family leave] Boosha!
Drake & Josh · 289 quotes
