[at the end, Drake and Josh apologize to each other]
DJDrake and Josh
Drake/Josh, I'm really sorry.
JoshNo, no. I went kind of crazy back there.
You had every right to go crazy, man. I never should have made you cheat for me.
Josh
Ok. It was your fault. But I accept your apology. Kiwi?
Up high. You know what? Since you are such an awesome brother, I'm gonna help you get back at Megan.
Josh
Serious?
Totally. When she least expects it, we're gonna strike.
Josh
Cool! Thanks. Hey, you want to go play some GameSphere?
[they get up but they realize that they got themselves glued to chairs by Megan]
Josh
MEGAN!
[comes up to Drake] Drake Parker.
Hey, Helen. Looking prettier than ever.
Oh, you beast. Did you offer him some free candy?
Josh
No. You said we weren't allowed-
Stop aggravating me and give this cute boy some free candy.
Thank you. [Josh hands the candy to him] So, what's been up, Helen?
Oh, there is something big happening here this weekend.
Josh
What?
Sorry, I can't tell you. You know, it's top-secret hush-hush business. Got to keep it on the down low. We are having a real Hollywood premiere. Right here in this theater!
Josh
For what movie?
I told you it was a secret! It's for that new Ashley Blake movie.
Josh
Ashley Blake? I love that girl. She's gonna be here?
Uh-huh. For the premiere. And for a big photo shoot tomorrow afternoon.
Josh
Cool? This is amazing. I can't believe I'm going to meet a real movie star! Pinch me!
I'm not pinching any part of you.
Josh
Helen, can I please help out with the Premiere? Please?
Josh
Awesome.
But listen. This is the biggest thing to happen to me in my life since I played putt-putt with Dionne Warwick! So if you mess this up, I will thump you like a melon. You follow me?
Josh
Yes, ma'am. Like a melon.
Josh
I get to meet Ashley Blake. How cool is that? [grabs gumballs out of the jar and puts it in his mouth]
[shows up and confronts Josh] And no free candy!
[Josh spits out the gumballs out of his mouth and puts it back in the jar much to his disgust]
Look who's gonna be at this after-party, Ashton Kutcher, Adam Sandler, Ethan LaRoche...
Josh
Who's Ethan LaRoche?
I don't know, but he's gonna be there!
[later]
Josh
Hey, Drake! I just got an autograph from Ethan LaRoche!
Josh
I don't know!
WWoman
Ashley, how did it feel to play an 11-year-old president?
[Drake takes Ashley's head and simulates like she is whispering to him]
Uh, she says it was challenging, but rewarding.
MMan
My question for the gentlemen who answered for her.
MMan
Why are you answering for her?
Josh
She has laryngitis!
She lost her voice singing to-
Josh
-the elderly!
So, that's why the press conference is over!
[Drake and Josh drop Ashley and run out of there]
[to Josh] Looks like your twitching days are over.
Josh
And it looks like you just won the talent contest for the second year in a row.
JJackie
Actually, it's three years! It's a three-peat just like I predicted!
DJDrake & Josh
WHO ARE YOU?!
JJackie
I love you. Bye! [runs away]
Josh
[to Drake] It's gotta be fun being you.
I'd be nervous if I knew a million people were watching me on Live TV. That's pressure.
Josh
Pressure.
Serious pressure. I mean, think about it. You make one mistake and millions of people see it. That's almost making like millions of mistakes in front... of the whole world.
Josh
I never thought about that.
... Yeah, well, I'm sure you'll be fine. Unless, of course, your twitch comes back.
Josh
What twitch?
Remember the 4th grade, Josh, the twitch.
Josh
Who told you I twitched?
Josh
Dad!
[Josh finishes his test and shuts his car door]
ODOld driving instructor
Don't slam the door! This isn't 1 of your teenage parties.
Josh
Sorry.
ODOld driving instructor
Now, Mr. Nicholas, I assume you expect a driver's license.
Josh
Look, if I could just retake the test, perhaps with someone less angry, I-
ODOld driving instructor
Don't interrupt me! You passed.
Josh
But if you- I passed?
ODOld driving instructor
Yes, Don't you hear good, you're an excellent driver. [gives him a paper] Now, go get your driver's license before I change my mind.
Josh
Wow! Aw, this is awesome. Thank you. [hugs her]
ODOld driving instructor
Agh! Get off me before I call the cops. [walks away]
Josh
I'm street legal! [runs inside to get his license]
[Drake finishes his test]
That was the most fun driving test I've ever given.
So, uh, where do I pick up my driver's license?
Oh, Carly, seriously, uh, where do I pick it up?
Uh, Drake, I'm sorry, but I can't pass you.
Well, let's see. [looks at her clipboard] You ran 4 stop signs, 2 red lights, drove on the sidewalk, rear-ended a firetruck... oh, and you almost ran over an old lady in a wheelchair!
Well, she was hoggin' the lane.
Drake, you're a great kid, but bad driver. Anyway, call me. I'd love to hear your band play. [walks away]
Hey, you owe me $3.75 for that combo meal!
OIOld lady in a wheelchair
What's the matter with you!?
[Drake woke Josh up in the middle of the night using his guitar]
Oh, good, you're up. Here, let's go get some tacos, you drive.
Josh
What? [looks at the clock] It's 3 A.M. [rolls under his blanket]
Yeah, I like to call it the taco hour.
Josh
Go make some. We have taco stuff in the kitchen.
Yeah, but Chez Taco's only a few miles away. Come on, just give me a ride.
Josh
No, I will not drive into the night on some Mexican adventure.
Okay, I thought that a corn shell full of beef and cheese would be a small reward for, I don't know, helping you keep your driver's license.
Josh
Okay, that's it. Stop dropping guilt bombs on me. You did me a favor, and I appreciate it. But now you're trying to take advantage of me, and I won't have it, you hear me?
Oh, I hear you, and maybe dad's gonna hear me when I tell him that you ran a stop sign and got a pretty little traffic ticket. What do you say to that?
Josh
I say, [pauses] it's taco time! [he and Drake both leave the room]
[Drake got pulled over because of a tail light being out]
PPolice Officer
Son you have a tail light out.
Josh
Yeah, stick it to him copper!
PPolice Officer
May I see your driver's license please?
Josh
Tell them, Drake. Tell him how you don't have a driver's license.
DWDenise Woods
You don't have your license?
Josh
No, he doesn't. That's why I had to drive you around all night.
PPolice Officer
Wait. So, you were driving this car?
Josh
Yeah. Why?
PPolice Officer
You have a tail-light out. Afraid I'm gonna have to give you a ticket, son.
Josh
No, sir, you're going to have to give me 2 tickets.
PPolice Officer
What for?
Josh
Well...one for the faulty tail light. And one...FOR THIS! [angrily attacks Drake. Denise, creeped out, exits the car and leaves as the episode ends]
[Josh and the Campfire Kids arrive at the Premiere]
Josh
Alright, Campfire Kids, huddle up.
So what movie are we seeing?
Josh
We're not seeing a movie. We're here to learn about wilderness navigation.
[all the Campfire Kids groan]
Josh
[sarcastically] Thank you, Pete. Now, what would you do if someone dropped you off in the middle of nowhere?
I'd call Mom on my phone.
Josh
Say you didn't have your phone.
Josh
The battery's dead.
Josh
It's broken! It fell in the lake, a bear ate it, the point is you're lost! And all you have is a compass and a topographical map of the region.
So, I have a compass and a topographical map, but I don't have my cell phone?
Josh
[beat] That tears it, we're seeing a movie!
[the Campfire Kids cheer]
[in Drake and Josh's room, Josh makes his bed until Drake arrives]
Josh
Does it itch?
No. My problem is Wendy, your little forest fire kid.
Josh
Ohh. Your #1 fan.
Yeah, who's obsessed with me. Today, she verbally assaulted my date. And look, Megan found her notebook.
[hands Wendy's notebook to Josh]
Josh
Oh-ho. She wrote "Drake and Wendy" over and over. [flips through every page] Hey. If you flip through the pages really fast, there's a little cartoon of you two walking and holding hands.
[shows it to Drake]
Oh, yeah, I wonder-- [flings the notebook in the air] D'OH, THIS IS NO TIME FOR ANIMATION! She's obsessed with me!
Josh
You're exaggerating.
Oh, yeah? Here, check out her answering machine.
[walks over to the phone, then starts dialing Wendy's home number and presses a button]
[on answering machine] Hi, this is Wendy. Drake's not here right now. But if he were, that would be so awesome! I love you, Drake! Please leave a message.
[the phone beeps]
Josh
So? She has a crush on you. It's cute. When I was her age, I had a crush on Oprah.
Josh
She's inspirational! Dude, don't worry about Wendy. This week, she loves you. Next week, she'll love...
Josh
Don't mock me.
Fine. I just hope you're right.
Josh
I am right. And you should really give Oprah a chance, she is quite--
[they hear knocking on their window]
Josh
I don't know.
[they walk over to find out, Drake opens the blinds and is shocked to see Wendy with a jar of pickles]
Aah! Wendy? What are you doing here?
I brought you some pickles. Oh, and will you marry me? [Drake closes the blinds on her, then turns to Josh and is irritated] They're vertically sliced for sandwiches!
[comes in with the graded essays] Morning, class. I graded your essays. [satisfied] Josh, you wrote a wonderful story. I Cried When the Leprechaun Gave Birth. A+ [hands essay to Josh]
Josh
Thank you, Mrs. Hayfer. Glad you liked it.
Loved it, in fact you did so good, you can skip today's pop quiz.
Josh
Wow, A+, and no quiz. Today's my lucky day.
Yes, it is. There's your essay, Drake. [hands essay to Drake]
D-? What's wrong with it?
I don't know, just write another one.
Dude, she is so mean. Why does she have it in for me?
Josh
Mrs. Hayfer? She's the nicest teacher in the whole school. It's all in your head.
Alright class, let's begin. The Iliad and The Odyssey were originally written in what language? Drake!
[Drake looks at Josh after Mrs. Hayfer pranked him with the wrong answer]
FMFBI Man
[comes in] Hey, excuse us. We don't mean to interrupt your money fight, but a friend of ours told us you were selling Gary Coleman grills.
Josh
Your friend is wise.
So, how many do you want?
FMFBI Man
Well, tell you what, we'll take them all.
Wait, you want all of them?
FMFBI Man
That's right. [shows them the badge]
Josh
Sorry, we only accept cash.
FMFBI Man
These are badges. [show them the badge]
FMFBI Man
I don't think you understand. Drake Parker and Josh Nichols?
FMFBI Man
You're under arrest for possession and sale of stolen property.
Josh
We're just selling them for these two guys.
Yeah, we didn't know they were stolen.
FMFBI Man
Right. Sure, come with us please. [handcuffs Drake and Josh]
Josh
Drake?
Josh
I've read about prison.
Josh
[worried] It ain't fun!
Drake & Josh · 289 quotes
