Josh Nichols quotes from Drake & Josh

Josh

Why don't you, uh, put that book down, Drake? [Drake slams the book on Josh's finger] Ow!

Drake

[satisfied] There! I put it down. Ya happy?

Josh

Evil!

Josh

[rocking on the couch, desperately wanting to play his GameSphere from his Grammy] GameSphere, GameSphere, GameSphere, GameSphere....

Drake

[looks at his rash in a mirror] Oh, my face... My face!

Josh

GameSphere, GameSphere, GameSphere... [Audrey and Walter notice them and walk into the kitchen]

Audrey

Can you believe them?

Walter

Ha! I know! There's no way Josh can keep this up. Drake's gonna win this bet easy.

Audrey

Are you kidding? Drake's rash is spreading, he'll cave first.

Walter

You wanna bet on that?

Audrey

You are so on. What d'you wanna bet?

Audrey

Drake. Josh. You’ll be late for school.

Megan

Okay, I was wrong. This is the best day of my life.

Audrey

Just get in the car.

Walter

See ya, boys.

Audrey

Bye.

Josh

So, when do you think this pink will wear off?

Drake

I don't know. A few weeks. Months.

Josh

School's gonna be rough.

Drake

Oh, yeah.

Josh

Well, let’s go.

Drake

Nah. I'm going to get some breakfast. I’ll just meet you at school.

Josh

Okay, see ya.

Drake

[reveals he wore a pink wig and takes it off; to himself] Idiots. [he goes to the kitchen as the episode ends]

Drake

[comes in his and Josh's room] Where's the guitar?

Megan

See ya. [walks out of Drake and Josh's room]

Drake

Josh?

Josh

I uh, I uh, I put it away.

Drake

Why?

Josh

You wanna leave it out and let it get all dusty and gross. Have you heard of mildew?

Drake

So where'd you put the guitar?

Josh

Uh, in the case. In the guitar case. Why you hassling me?

Drake

Who's hassling you? [he walks up to his guitar case and finds it locked by Josh] It's locked.

Josh

Yes, some people care about safety.

Drake

Just calm down and give me the key?

Josh

WHAT FOR?!

Drake

FOR TO OPEN THE LOCK! Why are you acting all freakish?

Josh

Uh. Uh, dude, I lost the key bro. [snaps his finger]

Drake

YOU LOST the key?

Josh

Uh. Don't worry. Alright. I'll get you a new one. I-I have a locksmith.

Drake

You have a locksmith?

Josh

Yes. I-I have a lot of locks that, you know, need smithing.

Drake

And you're sure you don't know where the original key is?

Josh

[mumbles] Uh, that key, yeah, that key's all gone.

[from outside] Look, mommy! A key on the sidewalk!

Josh

[yelling out the window] KEEP IT DOWN, WOULD YA?! THERE'S PEOPLE SLEEPING IN HERE!! [closes the window and stares at Drake with his arms crossed]

Drake

[while walking downstairs] Josh?

Josh

Drake! Um, it's not what you think! See I plugged into the-

Drake

I know. Megan told me everything.

Josh

Megan! Look, Drake. Please don't hate me. I just wanted to do-

Drake

You. For spending your entire life savings to get me a 64 fender strat? Josh that is like the coolest thing anyone's ever done for me. [pause] Holy snot! That's Devin Malone!

Josh

Yeah, it is! Come on! Come on! [he grabs Drake and takes him to Devin] Devin, this is my step brother Drake. Drake, this is-

Drake

Oh, believe me I know who you are. I've learned everything I know about guitar from watching you.

Yeah, you play?

Drake

Uh yeah, but I'm nowhere as great as you are.

Josh

He's amazing with the guitar. He can really bring the funk!

Uh, just take good care of this one. She's special.

Drake

I hear ya.

Josh

Dude, don't even worry about it. I'm guarding this thing with my life baby. Yeah! [he slams the guitar case on Devin's hands which causes Devin to scream]

Drake

Josh! Are you okay?

Josh

Oh my God!

What happened? Are you hurt?

Yes.

Is it your hand?

[annoyed] Yes!

[holds up his fingers] How many fingers am I holding up?

I don't care!

Get me a doctor! Somebody get me a doctor!

Josh

[to a security guard, sarcastically, guilt-ridden] Would you mind taking me into the back alley and beating me until I lose consciousness?

Helen

[walks up to Josh] Hey, do you work for me?

Josh

No.

Helen

Where did you get that vest?

Josh

Oh, uh, well, my cup holder was a little wobbly, so I told this guy who then called me a punkhole and then he kind of quit.

Helen

You made Crazy Steve quit?

Josh

You hired a guy named Crazy Steve?

Helen

Had to. Long story. Not pretty. I've been trying to fire him for 2 months, but he's just so-

Josh

Crazy?

Helen

Mm-hmm. Let me, ask you something. Do you have a job?

Josh

No.

Helen

Are you, alright in the head?

Josh

I think so.

Helen

Congratulations. You're hired.

Josh

What?!

Helen

Get to work! [walks away]

Helen

[appears] Uh, Drake? [Drake walks up to Helen] Did you just sell those little girls tickets to a PG-13 movie?

Josh

Busted.

Drake

Uh, yes I did Helen and- And I'll tell you why.

Helen

Why?

Drake

Well, I'm not gonna lie to you. Those four kids? They're Norwegian.

Josh

What?!

Helen

It means they're from Norway!

Drake

Thank you. Now, as I'm sure you know, Norway is on the metric system.

Helen

Of course.

Drake

So to a Norwegian, PG-13 is actually PG-9.

Helen

Yeah, I know. Metrics.

Drake

So I didn't want to start an international incident.

Helen

Smart. Heads up move. I like your style, Drake. In fact, how would you like to be promoted to assistant manager?

Josh

Huh?

Drake

Alright.

Helen

Good. Just pick up your gold vest in my office. [leaves]

Drake

Assistant manager. Hey, this means I'm your boss. [walks up to Josh]

Josh

[yells] EVIL!

Megan

You look terrible.

Josh

Thanks.

Megan

And you have 5 new e-mails. [leaves Drake and Josh's room]

Josh

Wait, how does she know how many e-mails?

Drake

Forget about that. What happened to you?

Josh

Football happened to me. First, I got tackled, then I got trampled, and I'm pretty sure someone bit my ankle!

Drake

Alright, so you didn't make the team. We'll just find another way to make you cool.

Josh

Oh, I made the team.

Drake

You did?

Josh

Yeah! Check it out!

Drake

No way, that's so cool.

Josh

Yeah, it is. My brother, you are looking at Belleview High's football team brand-new... [holds up a jersey] E-quipment manager! [pause] E-quipment manager!

Drake

Josh, being the equipment manager isn't cool.

Josh

But I'm on the team.

Drake

No, you work for the team, which is uncool!

Josh

Well, if I'm so uncool, explain WHY I HAVE THIS! [puts his bag of dirty laundry on the table]

Drake

A bag of dirty laundry?

Josh

The dirty laundry of football players!

Drake

Oh Josh, at this point I think you're better off going back to your magic tricks.

Josh

No way, the team needs me. I have lots of responsibilities. I mean who do you think takes care of the costumes?

Drake

Uniforms, Josh. Uniforms.

Josh

Whatever, I think being equipment manager is cool. I get to be on the team and nobody snaps on my ankles! [picks up his dirty bag of laundry] Excuse me, I have costumes to wash. [his laundry bag opens by itself] Oh, that's ripe. [walks away]

Megan

Hey, Josh.

Josh

What's up, Megs?

Megan

Ooh, making brownies? Can I lick the spoon?

Josh

Uh-uh! There will be no spoon licking in my kitchen!

Megan

You know what, Josh, I have dreams and sometimes in those dreams things happen to you.

Drake

[comes in the kitchen] What are you doing?

Josh

Making brownies for the football team.

Drake

Oh, that's cool, Josh. [sarcastically] Maybe afterwards, you can knit them some pretty sweaters. [walks over to Josh]

Josh

[voiceover] Not just any brownies. You know how mom makes the double chocolate ones?

Drake

[voiceover] Yeah?

Josh

Well, I multiplied the recipe by 3. That's triple the double chocolate.

Drake

[voiceover] Does it triple the double uncoolness.

Josh

[voiceover] Well, I think we know someone who's not getting one right out of the oven.

Drake

Hey, Mr. E-quipment manager. Trevor's waiting in his car,You want a ride home or not?

Josh

In a minute, I just need to finish pumping up these footballs and-

[angrily] NICHOLS!

Josh

Yeah, Coach Davis? What-ca need me to do?

What did you do?

Josh

What? What are you talking about?

Your brownies! Look what they did!

Josh

Did you do something to my brownies?

Drake

Oh, yeah, Josh, I live to sabotage baked goods.

Coach, you better check on Witherspoon, he's really bad!

Witherspoon, you alright?

Josh

How many brownies did you eat?

17. [gags] Ooh, and I think your about to see them again.

Alright, someone get this boy a bucket!

Josh

Aw, I just cleaned the buckets!

Alright, that's it. No game tomorrow night. We're gonna have to forfeit!

Josh

Aw, come on, Coach Davis, we can't forfeit!

Would you look at Witherspoon?! Ain't no way he's playin' tomorrow night! And I got no one else to play center!

Drake

Josh will play center!

Josh

Josh who?!

Drake

Josh you! You'll be great and cool!

Josh

And dead! Lincoln is the toughest team in the state. They're animals! ANIMALS!

Will you quit whining, Nichols? Your vomit brownies got us into this, and you're playing center tomorrow night!

Drake

Yes!

Josh

No! [Witherspoon vomits on Josh's feet] Awww!

Josh

I'm so excited.

Drake

I'm so annoyed.

Josh

My dad told me and Drake that since were stepbrothers now, we should start trying to hang out together more.

Drake

My mom's trying to get me to hang out more, with Josh.

Josh

I'm really psyched about it.

Drake

Kill me.

Josh

Maybe Drake and I can do magic tricks together.

Drake

Please kill me.

Josh

And Drake's just gotta find stuff that's fun for both of us to do.

Drake

Maybe I can move to Australia, they have big shrimp there.

Josh

Maybe we can take a cooking class. One sec. [shouting] Hey Drake! You want to take a cooking class together?

Drake

[in a high-pitched voice] Sorry! Drake moved to Australia.

Josh

That's not even an Australian accent.

Drake

[in a high-pitched voice] Yes, is it. Fromage!

Josh

That's French!

Drake

I think we should go easy on these guys.

Josh

How come?

Drake

It's Eric.

Josh

What's up?

Drake

His mom, is in the hospital.

Josh

Oh, God. What happened?

Drake

It's her tongue. It's like 10 times bigger than a normal tongue. Yeah, and for 15 days she couldn't say what was wrong, everyone in the hospital was worried. She was like- [pretending to be unable to talk, starts making funny sounds and spitting] Yeah, very sad.

Josh

Oh, well. I'll do it. For Eric's mom.

Drake

Thank you, Josh. Your heart is bigger than her tongue.

Josh

I thought you said you were sorry.

Drake

I am sorry.

Josh

I thought you meant you were sorry you gambled and you weren't gonna do it anymore.

Drake

No, I meant I'm sorry I didn't tell you I was gambling, and I definitely wanna do it some more.

Josh

Ow! Thank you for the butt bruise!

Drake

Are you ready? You know what to do, right?

Josh

Yeah. Cheat.

Drake

I told you, its not cheating.

Josh

Beg to differ.

Drake

Look, are you going to help me or not? I mean, I helped you when you got your foot caught in the toilet.

Josh

No, you didn't. You laughed and took digital pictures.

Drake

Come on, Josh. Please?

[from the other room] Everyone, take your seats. The Academic Bowl is about to begin.

Drake

Well?

Josh

Fine. But let's just get this over with. This whole thing makes me feel so dirty.

Drake

Yeah, so take a bath when you get home. Give me the ear piece. [Josh gives Drake his microphone ear piece] Thanks brother.

Josh

You better love me for this! [Drake kisses Josh on his cheek] Not that kind of love! [Josh sprays his cheek in disgust]

Drake

What are you doing?!

Josh

What do you think I'm doing? Helping you cheat.

Drake

Well, you're not doing a very good job.

Josh

Oh its my fault mega burger's having a sale on curly fries?! I can't control radio interference!

Drake

Well why didn't you pull up your antenna?

Josh

Yeah, I'll pull YOUR antenna!

Drake

Listen to me.

Josh

No, you listen to me! I quit! I'm outta here! GOODBYE! [leaves the janitor's closet]

Drake

Fine! Next time you get your foot stuck in the toilet, I'm flushing!