[while looking for the remote] Boys, where's the remote?
JoshUh, I-I don't know. I-I-I-I think it's lost. Why-why don't you read a book?
Josh
What-what-what are you doing?
You know, you can walk over to the TV and turn it on by hand.
Josh
That's crazy talk. What is this? The old west? Yeehaw! No.
Is there something on TV you don't want me to see?
Josh
No, I just..
[turns on the TV but seems to be dead] It's not working.
Josh
Well I'm thinkin' I don't.
Josh
[whines] It was a pillow! A pillow! I threw it and it hit the soda and the root beer with the spilling on the TV and then.. pboom!
Look, Josh. I don't care about the pillow. I don't care about the TV.
Josh
You don't?
No, I care that you lied to me. I'm really disappointed in you.
Josh
I'm sorry.
Josh
So, am I "grounded" for breaking the TV?
Josh
[relieved] Oh!
You're grounded for lying to me.
Josh
[beat] Oh.
And you're gonna have to do a lot of extra work around this house. [walks away]
Josh
[walks over to the TV] I drink root beer, you don't see me exploding!
[Walter shuts off the buggy]
You can't drive this out in the street!
Josh
Sure we can! This thing will do 50!
I mean, you're not allowed to drive it.
You don't have driver's licenses.
That thing can't be street legal, I-it doesn't even have turn signals.
No, that's why I got Josh. Left! [Josh signals left] Right! [Josh signals right]
Josh
Well, why'd you let us fix it up if you weren't gonna let us drive it?
We never thought you'd actually get it running.
Look, we can take it up to the lake this summer and you can drive it.
Slowly, with helmets on, and bubble wrap.
Until then, it stays in the garage. We clear?
Josh
We're clear.
Good. [leaves the garage with Audrey]
Well, I'm not just gonna sit in here.
Josh
Me neither.
Josh
You, uh, wanted to chat?
Why did you make him attack me?
Josh
'Cause it's about time you stopped getting away with everything!
Josh
[angrily] You threw the pillows! You talked me into lying about the TV! You got me grounded! And you took our dune buggy out when you weren't supposed to, AND YOU WRECKED IT!!!!
What-what-what're you talking about?
Josh
I got a call from the emergency room! You left your wallet there.
Josh
Yeah. And I saw the buggy.
Josh
They're gonna!
Josh
Fine! You tell them.
Josh
No, I'm honest.
Josh
I'm grounded for 2 weeks.
Josh
We spent like 100 hours on that dune buggy trying to fix it up, and you ruined it. And you're hurt! But all you can think about is, getting away with it. [mockingly] "Ooh, I'm Drake! I'm so cool, I get away with everything!" Fine. I'll just stay grounded and I'll fix the dune buggy, again, and you just keep worrying about yourself. [beat] It's what you're best at.
Oh, yeah?! Well, you're not so-! Ow.
Josh, hey what's going on with Drake?
Yeah, he's been acting pretty weird.
Josh
Um... yeah. He's fine. He's just a little...
[comes from the hall] No, he's not okay. I'm kind of banged up.
[scoldingly to Walter] You hurt him wrestling!
It-it wasn't the wrestling. It was a car accident.
[concerned] Car accident?
Josh
[to Megan, eagerly] He's gonna get it now.
Actually, it was a... a dune buggy accident.
[interrupting] Wait-wait-wait! What doctor?
I kinda went to the emergency room and got X-rayed and stuff.
Josh
[more eager than before] Here it comes.
[pitifully] My poor baby!
Josh
[deadpan] Huh?
Just look at you. You can barely stand. [she grabs a chair, Walter helps Drake sit down]
[wincing] Ah! Ah! Ah! Easy! Easy! Ah! Easy! Everything hurts. You guys, I'm-I'm really sorry I disobeyed you. I shouldn't have.
Josh
[to Megan] NOW he's gonna get it.
[rounding on Josh] Josh. Did you know about this?
Josh
Well-yeah-yeah I knew...
You still made your father wrestle him?
When you knew Drake was hurt?
Josh
Wait secon-
Guys, guys. Go easy on him. He's a good kid. And about the TV getting broken, that was really kinda my fault. And I talked Josh into lying about it.
We'll discuss this later.
What else did the doctor say?
That I should stay in bed and rest for a couple of weeks.
Well, that's gonna be easy, 'cause you're GROUNDED.
Josh
[satisfied] FINALLY! [sings] Oh yeah! You're grounded. You're grounded. What are you doin' tomorrow? You're grounded.
[at the end, Drake ends up being grounded for 2 weeks, much to Josh's delight]
Josh
Pizza's here.
Thanks. [he takes it and opens it up while Josh smiles] What are you smiling about?
Josh
The great Drake, grounded for 2 weeks. I love it!
Josh
Heh?
2 weeks, laying in bed, no school, playing a little guitar, watching a little TV, you bringing me pizzas. Yeah, being grounded is ba-a-ad.
Josh
I- I don't understand-!
Hold that thought. [through his walkie-talkie] Hey, Dad, could you bring me a root beer, a couple magazines, and, in about 20 minutes maybe some ice cream?
[through his walkie-talkie] Yeah. I'll get Josh right on it. Jo-osh!
Josh
[realizes Drake can still get lucky even when grounded] Aw, come on!
Josh
I'm sure it was unintentional.
SSusan
Josh, it's not unintentional at all.
Josh
I knew it! [Susan grabs his face and kisses him; Drake walks in the house]
SSusan
Ew! Josh, what are you trying to do? I'm Drake's girlfriend! Oh, Drake, you're here.
Josh
Drake, it's not what you think. Just 1 second. [turns around] Oh, dear Lord, thank you so much for my very first kiss! Amen! Drake, I swear. It's not what you think.
[Josh is sanding his Catapult while Drake is trying to work on a song]
Josh! I'm working on a song here. Do you have to make all that noise? [he unplugs the Sander] Dude, I can't concentrate.
Josh
[shouting] I can't hear you! I'm wearing earplugs!
Oh. [Drake rips the earplugs from Josh's ears, and Josh screams in pain] Dude, can't you build your mechanic dork machine somewhere else?
Josh
It's not a dork machine. It's a one of a kind scaled working replica of a Medieval Catapult.
Josh
So, when I'm done, this baby's gonna be able to fling stuff over 50 feet through the air. [he launches the Catapult]
Impressive. Oh, hey, hey. Why don't you climb in and fling yourself out of my room?
Josh
This is my room.
Josh
Alright, let's compromise. We could- [Drake strums his guitar a first time] I was going to say- [Drake strums a second time] But I just wanted- [Drake strums a third time] Headaches!
[Drake comes home from his concert and finds Josh hanging from the gutter]
Josh
Drake, you came back.
Uh, yeah, my gig got cancelled. Can you tell me what you're doing up there?
Josh
It's a long, sad story. Could you put the ladder back up?
Okay. [starts to get the ladder] Hey, where's the baby?
Josh
Um, possibly... on the roof.
You put the baby on the roof?!
Josh
No. It's conceivable though that he was flung there, via catapult. Oh, Drake, I ruined everything. The baby's missing, the house is destroyed, and my dad's gonna get fired.
Josh
I don't know. I haven't-I haven't seen her since the baby disappeared.
Uh-huh. I think I might know where the baby is. [leaves to go get help from Megan]
Josh
Okay, I'm coming down. [the ladder falls down again] Aw, come on!
Josh
Why are you so mean to Drake?
GGrammy
Because I know his type. I dated 12 musicians like him before I dated your gramps.
Josh
I don't think I want to know about you dating a dozen musical men.
GGrammy
Then I won't tell you what happened last Saturday night.
Josh
[jokingly] Uh-oh, am I going to see you on a commercial for "Grammys Gone Wild?"
[Megan comes home all soaked, since Drake and Josh were too distracted to pick her up]
Hello? [the boys don’t response, so she walks up to them] HELLO?
Oh, yeah. This is for you. [gives her an umbrella]
Hi. [notices Megan soaked, becomes frustrated] Drake! Josh!
[Audrey snatches Drake's bag of chips]
[Audrey takes the remote and shuts off Josh's game]
Josh
[gasps] What up with THAT?
One thing! I asked you guys to do one thing for me! Look at Megan! [the boys look at Megan]
Josh
She's wet. [Audrey groans in annoyance]
Everyone can see I'm wet, you boob.
You were too busy to go get your sister, but you weren't too busy to play video games all day!
...Or to sit around, swallowing 20 pounds of junk food!
Josh
Drake...!
I keep telling you they're bad people!
Well, you have anything to say for yourselves?
Well, mmm... you see, I view this whole incident as a learning experience.
Ugh! Upstairs! Both of you, you're grounded tonight.
Josh
I'm supposed to meet Brian Horowitz at the magic palace!
Go apologize to your sister, and then, both of you, upstairs!
DJDrake and Josh
[sigh; walk to Megan] Sorry. [Megan shakes her wet head all over them]
[Drake and Josh are in their room when they both got grounded by their mom]
You do realize this is your fault.
Josh
No, I do not realize that!
You couldn't stop playing your video games for 10 minutes to take her the stupid umbrella?
Josh
Hey, number 1, that umbrella is not stupid. My uncle bought it for me at SeaWorld!
Oh, just face it, Josh. You're addicted to video games.
Josh
I am not addicted to them! [smiling] I am in love with them!
Josh
Not as sad as being addicted to junk food, which ya are. Man, do ya know how bad that stuff is for you?
[throws bag of Cheese Balls and picks up video game controller as he acts like Josh] “Ooh, look at me, I'm Josh! I play video games all day long! Girls? No, thank you, ma'am! I got me a video game!”
Josh
[stuffs a fistful of Cheese Balls into his mouth as he acts like Drake] “Ooh, I'm Drake! Nutrition? Not for me! I'm just gonna eat me a big ol' bag of Cheese Balls!” [shoves more Cheese Balls into his mouth]
Which you're allergic to. [Josh frantically spits out the Cheese Balls, uses a Dustbuster on his tongue, and spits out the Cheese Ball crumbs] Besides, food is a necessity. Video games have no value.
Josh
Video games teach hand-eye coordination, which is why I now have CAT-LIKE reflexes.
[throws a baseball which hits Josh on his head] Yeah. Dead cat-like reflexes.
Josh
I wasn't ready! Besides, I can quit video games a lot easier than you can quit junk food!
Oh, really? [sniffs] You smell that, Josh? It smells like a bet to me.
Josh
No, I smell [sniffs] you losing a bet!
Okay, hot pants, it’s on. You give up video games, I give up junk food. First one to cave loses.
Josh
Okay, what happens when you lose?!
When you lose, you have to, uh, dye your hair pink.
Josh
Okay, loser has to dye his hair pink.
So we're starting right now?
Josh
Yeah, we're starting right now! [they tried to start but they changed their minds] Or we could start in the morning.
[Dr. Glazer is looking at Drake's rash]
GDr. Glazer
Well, this is gonna sound a little odd, but... the recent change in Drake's diet probably caused the rash.
Josh
Wait a minute. You're saying that he got that rash from NOT eating junk food?
GDr. Glazer
Sure. See, his body was so accustomed to all the fat, sugar, and sodium, that when he suddenly stopped, it resulted in this hideous facial rash. [Drake glares at Dr. Glazer] No offense. [Drake becomes relieved]
Well, we really appreciate you coming by, Jeff. It's nice to have a doctor that lives across the street.
GDr. Glazer
Yeah, nice for you. Here's your bill. [hands Walter the bill]
Wait, wait, wait! What about my hideous facial rash?
GDr. Glazer
Well, I normally advise my patients to stay away from junk food, but in light of your face, I suggest that you eat some, perhaps a doodle cake. [hands a note to Drake and points to Walter] $300. [grabs his bag and leaves the house]
I can't believe this. I mean, it makes me... almost unattractive. What am I gonna do?
Well, you heard the doctor.
Josh
YEAH! Bring in the junk food! WHOO! [starts singing and dancing] Joshie won the bet! Drake's gonna have pink hair! La-la-la-la-la! La-la-la-la-la! La-la-la-la-la!
[walks in with a package for Josh] Hey, spaz! [Josh stops dancing] This package just came for you.
Josh
[takes the package] It's a- it's a present from Grammy! This day just keeps getting better!
Josh
[opens up the package and gasps] It's a GameSphere!
No way, the GameSphere doesn't come out for another 3 months.
Josh
Never underestimate Grammy!
Josh
Only the most sophisticated gaming experience ever created by humans, and it's Spherical! SPHERICAL! Oh, man! I gotta plug this in! [sets his GameSphere on the table]
Good. 'Cause the second you do, you lose the bet.
Josh
Oh, but... but... [holds a mirror in front of Drake's face.]
Josh
You gotta eat some junk food right now! Doctor said so!
Oh, no way, man. Ain't gonna happen. Now go ahead. Play your ultra cool new GameSphere!
Josh
No!
[holds the GameSphere in front of Josh's face] It's spherical...
Josh
[whines] I know! [comes to his senses] But I ain't playing it!
And I'm not eating junk food! [Josh holds the mirror in front of Drake's face again] Oh! [turns Josh's face towards the GameSphere]
Josh
Oh! [they repeat this process]
This is the greatest day of my life.
Drake & Josh · 289 quotes
