[after all of Drake and Josh's flashbacks from the previous episodes were shown]
PDr. Phyllis
Unbelievable!
PDr. Phyllis
Bickering is one thing, but you two should be ashamed of yourselves for allowing it to escalate to physical confutations.
JoshNo! I will not share the blame here. I am the victim in this relationship.
Oh, how are you the victim?
Josh
You’re always trying to take advantage of me.
PDr. Phyllis
Drake, come on, honestly. Do you ever take advantage of Josh just a little bit?
Josh
Well, but not just me. He takes advantage of everyone.
Josh
Okay, uhh. That girl, Liza.
Josh
Yeah, you totally dated her just to get your old girlfriend back.
Josh
Exaggeration, read a book, would ya!?
PDr. Phyllis
Josh, tell me a little bit more about Drake and this girl hot Liza.
Josh
Glad too. See, Drake had just broken up with this girl Tori. But he wanted her back. So, he thought he’d make her jealous by making out with this hot girl Liza.
PDr. Phyliss
Drake, is this story true?
Yeah, but I totally learned my lesson. Let me tell ya, Liza Tupper, worst kisser ever!
Josh
I have heard that.
PDr. Phyllis
Liza Tupper?
Yeah, and she's not the smartest won-ton on the poo-poo platter either, if you know what I'm saying!
Josh
I have heard that.
PDr. Phyllis
You're saying she's dumb?
PDr. Phyllis
[anger rising] Liza Tupper happens to be my daughter!
[gets up] Oh, this is awkward.
[Dr. Phyllis gets up and gets mad at Drake as she attacks him, then attacks Josh when he tries to stop her]
Alright, a toast, to the best brother I've ever had.
Josh
Back at ya, brother.
[sips his Mocha-Cola, then cringes] This is diet. Here, switch with me.
Josh
No. You already took a sip.
Josh
So I don't wanna drink your backwash.
Josh
I'm NOT a priss!
Josh
No!
Come on, you know I hate diet.
Josh
Are you really gonna get mad about this?
You're always doing this, man. Come on.
Josh
I'm always doing it? This is what I'm talking about. I'm enjoying a delicious regular beverage.
You're still mad about the golf balls.
Josh
You can have a little diet. This is what you say. "Oh, Josh. You gave me diet soda. And you could go get a new soda."
[They have another argument. Megan comes into the living room and activates a device. The device beeps and blows out white smoke that knocks Drake and Josh out, stopping their argument as the episode ends.]
[Megan opens up Josh's birthday cake]
Josh
You made me a birthday cake?
Uh-huh. Mom gave me the recipe. I think it turned out pretty good. (Lights the candle) There!
Josh
Wow! This is really good! It’s full of poison, isn't it?
Josh
No, what then, huh, huh, huh?! Hot sauce, some kind of extreme laxative?!
Oh, c'mon. I wouldn't let you eat a cake that made you sick on your birthday.
Josh
I'm sorry.
Josh
All right!
[Josh blows out the birthday candles from his cake and it explodes and he turns around to Megan with cake pieces on his face]
I didn't say it wouldn't explode.
Josh
I don't blame you so much for doing it, as I blame myself for not anticipating it.
Hey, WATCH IT, WATCH IT!!! [Josh screams]
[Oprah screams as they accidentally hit her and she jumps onto the front of their car and slides off, much to Josh's horror]
WWoman
OPRAH!!! Oh, my God! Oprah! Somebody call for help!
Josh
I RAN OVER OPRAH!!!
[Josh angrily comes home from the hospital after Drake pranked the whole hospital thinking Josh has a virus, which in return, causes him to get a chemical bath. His skin is now intensely orange, as if from a bad tan.]
Josh
HEY, MAN?!
Josh
You left me at the hospital to be chemically bathed!
Josh
[sarcastically] Oh, actually, it was quite soothing especially the part where they...OH, IT WAS HORRIBLE!!
Kay, what up with the 'tude?
Josh
Do you know what it's like to get an involuntary chemical bath? It stings... EVERYWHERE!
Alright, look. Tell you what, I'm going to make up to you, okay?
Josh
No. Okay, no you're not, because that's when the badness happens. The only time you do anything nice to me is after you caused me some kind of physical damage or emotional distress. You are never going to make up anything to me ever again.
Wait, do these sound okay to you? [Drake plays his Bongos for Josh to try to cheer him up, but Josh rips the taped up Bongos then leaves] Would you bring me the hot glue gun?
Josh
NOT REALLY! [slams the door]
[Drake and Josh both get trapped in the bathroom after Tiberius attacks them]
Josh
Do you see the stain?! What's this dog's problem?
Its problem is it wants to eat us, and we're in here. [Tiberius barks] Mrs. Hayfer asks you to watch her house, but doesn't mention her dog's homicidal.
Josh
It's not on the list!
[Drake and Josh found out that Walter did not answer the phone because he was working out at home singing]
Josh
No answer.
You probably dialed the wrong number. Let me see it--
Josh
No, I think I know our own number.
Dude, just let me try- [he and Josh both fight with Josh's phone and it lands in the toilet] Nice! [sees Josh's phone in the toilet]
Josh
It's your fault. Go get it.
I'm not putting my hand in there! That's where Mrs. Hayfer pees!
Josh
Probably doesn't even work anymore.
Yeah, well, let's see. [flushes Josh's phone away] It still works.
Josh
I knew the toilet still worked, Drake. I MEANT MY PHONE!
[offscreen] Hello? Anybody home?
Josh
Who's that?
Josh
That is Megan, Oh, no, she's outside with Tiberius!
Josh
Come on! [tries to open the door but Drake puts his foot on the door] Dude!
[blocks the door] Well, just 'cause she gets eaten, doesn't mean we have to.
Josh
That's our little sister out there, we've gotta help her!
Josh
Come on. [he and Drake come out of the bathroom and see Megan in the living room to reveal that Tiberius is behaving as he loudly whispers] Megan! Run!
[loud whisper] But he's vicious.
Yeah, he's real vicious. Ooh, down, boy. You're so scary.
[Drake and Josh walk over to her]
Josh
I don't get it. Well, he's all calm.
Evil dog, evil girl. Makes perfect sense.
Where have you two been? You were supposed to pick me up 2 hours ago.
Josh
How'd you know we were here?
Dad said you were stopping here and then picking me up, which you didn't.
Josh
We couldn't.
Yeah, we were trapped here by this demon dog.
What're you talking about?
Josh
When you're not around, he goes all berserk and tries to kill us.
DJDrake and Josh
Yeah/Uh-huh.
[satisfied] See ya. [she leaves Mrs. Hayfer's house and makes Tiberius bark loud at Drake and Josh and trap the boys in the bathroom again much to her delight]
ACAnimal control guy
[offscreen] Hello, anyone home?
ACAnimal control guy
[offscreen] Hello, animal control.
Josh
Animal control!
[they open the door]
Josh
Hi.
ACAnimal control guy
You boys have a canine issue?
Uh yeah, h-how'd you know?
ACAnimal control guy
Yeah, we got a call from one of the neighbors. Said she had heard loud barking and girls screaming all night long. Are you the screaming girls?
DJDrake and Josh
Maybe/Sorta.
ACAnimal control guy
Okay, where's the dog?
Josh
But-but, you-you should probably put on some protective padding or something.
Yeah, this dog is big and way out of control!
ACAnimal control guy
Look, boys. I've been doing this 11 years. Don't worry about me. I can handle any dog situation that could possibly...
[Tiberius enters the room, barking at his new target. The officer screams as he tries to run, bumping into Drake and Josh as he passes the latter his snare pole. He retreats to the bathroom, slamming the door behind him. They also rush to the bathroom with Tiberius giving chase, running into the door which bumps aside the officer. Josh unfortunately blocks their way in with the pole, but moves it just in time to get inside and close the door]
So why do they call it New Jersey, if they've never even had a plain Old Jersey?
Josh
I don't know. I wasn't at the meeting. Hey, turn it to channel 5. I'm going to go grab a drink. [he goes in the kitchen to grab a drink]
[while a terrified Walter still gets chased by Tiberius, Josh grabs a drink from the kitchen]
So is there an Old Hampshire?
[Opening comments: Drake and Josh talk about how unpleasant their great aunt Catherine is and both are in agreement that she is quite unpleasant]
Josh
So, me and Drake have this Great Aunt Catherine.
Have you ever met my Great Aunt Catherine? No? Well, hey. Lucky you.
Josh
She's almost 90 years old.
She's like 90,000 years old.
Josh
She's not nice!
She is mean. [moves closer to the screen] Mean to the bone!
Josh
Something's not right about Aunt Catherine.
She collects hair... from people she doesn't even know well!
Josh
Oh, and get this.
DJDrake and Josh
Aunt Catherine's getting married!
Josh
I mean, who wants to get married at 89 years old?
You know, Josh and I disagree on a lot of stuff, but I bet he hates Aunt Catherine just as much as I do.
Josh
I wonder if Drake hates Aunt Catherine as much as I do. [turns to Drake] Do ya?
Josh
Why are you in such a hurry?
'Cause I want Aunt Catherine's beach house, bad.
Josh
Yeah, so do I.
Well, we can't be late for the wedding, and we have to pick up the cake.
Josh
Dude, we got plenty of time, alright? Just as long as we get to the bakery before... [notices his laptop case gone] Hey, have you seen my laptop case? I thought I left it right here.
Yeah, I gave it to Craig and Eric.
Josh
You-you what?!
They told me you said it was cool.
Josh
Yeah, I said it was cool for 'em to borrow my computer, but why'd you give them the whole case? It had my cell phone in it and my keys to Mom's SUV! Now we have no car!
Well, I'll just call Craig and Eric and tell them to come back.
Josh
No, we can't. They don't have cell phones.
Josh
'Cause Papa Nichols threw Eric's against the wall and broke it, and Craig's mom thinks cell phones cause ear sores!
Craig does get a lot of ear sores.
Josh
Look, we cannot be late to this wedding!
Right, okay, um... Trevor!
Josh
What about Trevor?
Josh
His girlfriend sleeps in it.
No, they broke up. She sleeps in some other guy's car now.
Josh
I don't wanna go to a wedding in Trevor's El Camino, it's old and gross.
Josh
Drake, if we--
Dude, it runs, and the wedding cake will fit in the back. And the most important thing is it'll get us there on time. [starts calling Trevor on the phone]
[a Hummer parks in front of Drake and Josh and two male strangers get out of it]
Josh
Thank you so much for stopping.
RRyan
Where are you guys headed?
Josh
To our Aunt Catherine's wedding.
But we gotta be there in less than half an hour.
Josh
Yeah, with that cake.
SSpencer
Well, did you call for help?
Josh
No, we don't have cell phones.
But if you drive us to the nearest payphone, we'll give you 75 bucks.
Josh
Oh, hold on. [checks his wallet] I've got... [takes out a dollar bill] an extra 40!
Alright, that's almost 100 bucks!
[silence]
Josh
Will you please drive us?
SSpencer
Wait a minute, so... you guys are stranded out here.
RRyan
Flagging down strangers.
SSpencer
And you got no cell phones.
RRyan
And it's just the two of you.
[Ryan and Spencer push Drake and Josh to the ground and take their wallets away from them as they drive off right away leaving Drake and Josh stranded in the middle of the road]
Drake & Josh · 289 quotes
