[Drake notices the name tag on Leslie's uniform]
Leslie's Towing Company, huh?
LLeslie
Yeah. Been in the towing business for 23 years.
So, who's Leslie, your wife?
LLeslie
No. Leslie's my name. [Drake bursts into laughter] Something funny about that?
Well, yeah, I mean, Leslie's a girl's name.
LLeslie
Oh, is that what you think?
JoshUh, what my brother meant to say was, we don't think Leslie's a girl's name. We think it's a guy's name, dude. A man's name, [mimicking Leslie] a very man's name. Grr.
No, it's not. Leslie's totally--
Josh
Silence!
LLeslie
[to Drake] Listen, boy. I was named after my father, he was named after his father, and they both fought in wars.
Okay, all I'm saying is I've dated like five Leslies. All girls.
LLeslie
Okay, uh, you know, I'll tell you what. You can rot in a sack for all I care. Goodbye.
Josh
No. No, no, no, please, wait, don't leave!
LLeslie
[without turning around] ROT IN A SACK!
[drives away as Josh turns to Drake]
Josh
[angrily] You had to make fun of the man's name?!
Josh
What do you want?
There's a couple of guys outside stealing your bike.
Josh
Oh I just moved the chain, HANDS OFF MY RIDE! [runs outside] Hey!
Maybe, I should call the police.
Nah, no ones stealing his bike.
What did you tell him that for? You got him all upset for nothing.
Josh
Mindy, I am in the process of becoming a woman, so I worried… [Drake runs in, panicked by his green hands after Megan sprayed them]
JOSH!!! OH, MY GOD, JOSH!!!!
Josh
What's wrong, what happened? [Drake shows him his green hands] WHOA!!!!! W-Why are your hands green!?
I-I dunno! I woke up, went to the bathroom, and my hands were green!
Josh
Well, did ya try washin' 'em!?
Yeah, for 10 minutes, man! I even used soap.
Josh
[walks up to Drake] Well, while you keep kissing your new girlfriend, I'm going to go back home and move my special pillow onto your bed.
What? [turns around to Josh]
Josh
Well, I've had 22 dates this you week and you've only had one.
Okay, yeah. I guess you get my bed. Alright, you win.
Josh
I win? I GOT MORE GIRLS THAN DRAKE!! [laughs] JOSH NICHOLS IS NO LONGER A LITTLE CATERPILLAR, AH, HE IS A BEAUTIFUL BUTTERFLY!! [flaps wings for a while then stops out of embarrassment] See you guys at home. [walks away]
Josh
Uh, Megan. This is Henry Doheny. I'm gonna go make him a sandwich with some crinkel cut fries and you keep him company. [runs off to make Doheny his sandwich]
Henry Doheny. Didn't you use to be like a really famous magician?
Hmmm. [pretends to think] Why don't you, reach into, [points to trash can and Megan looks at it] that decorative trash can and tell me.
[looks at him, searches through the trash-can, picks out old papers than a bunny, and gasps] A bunny!
Her name is Cookie, if you hold her close, she'll lick your nose.
[puts Cookie to her face and Cookie begins to lick her as she laughs] Oh my god, this is the cutest bunny I've ever seen! Can I keep her?
Thanks! You’re so cute. [goes to her room, admiring Cookie]
Fine. [picks a card] Now what?
Now, put it back. [Drake gives the card back and he takes the deck into his jacket] Very good.
[looks at Doheny with a weird gaze] So what's my card?
Cough. [Drake coughs out a card] Now, open it. [Drake does so and Doheny isn't even looking] Is that your card?
Yeah. But could you do me a favor and not make things come outta my body?
Josh
[presses record button on video camera remote for filming contest entry video] Dear pump my room, this is our living room.
A room, in which we live.
Josh
Um, we really hope we win this makeover.
Josh
For our parents.
We call them, "Mom and Dad".
Josh
You see, my dad married his mom almost 5 years ago.
Josh
And soon, it'll be their 5th anniversary.
[sheepishly] Still in shock.
Josh
Now, we can't afford to buy them anything fancy.
So we pray that you wonderful people at Pump my Room choose us.
Josh
Eh, our parents.
For the special gift, of a room makeover. [desperately] Please.
Josh
[desperately] Please. [Drake and Josh both embrace each other, drake grabs for the remote to end the video recording]
[Drake and Josh answer the door and discover that Tyler bought nachos for them]
TTyler
Hot nachos for Drake and Josh.
Josh
But we didn't order.
Yeah. It's about time our nachos got here.
Josh
But we didn't order.
[tells Josh to hush] Free nachos. I'll take those. Josh, take the nacho boy.
Josh
Do you have change for 5?
TTyler
No, sir. [he leaves]
Josh
[while Drake is eating nachos] We didn't order those.
Dude, when life hands you free nachos, you don't question it!
Josh
I'm just worried about- [starts eating nachos with Drake] Oh, my god. These are good nachos.
Josh
These are the best nachos in the world.
They're made with, like 5 different kinds of cheeses.
Josh
What you say? As long as nobody sees us?
[muffled] It's getting hard for me to swallow.
Josh
[muffled] Something's wrong with these nachos!
[when Megan gets too busy to prank Drake and Josh, she hires a young boy named Tyler to help her when the two come out of the kitchen]
Awesome. Great, great work.
TTyler
You really think so?
Josh
[muffled] Megan, who is this? Go get over there.
Drake, Josh, I'd like you to meet My new assistant, Tyler. Tyler, you know the boobs.
[Drake and Josh muffles]
I'll explain. See, like I told you, I've been really busy lately, so I don't have time to harass you guys as much as I'd like to, which is why I hired Tyler as my assistant. To help make your lives as miserable as possible. He made the nachos.
TTyler
[satisfied] I used a special sticky cheese!
Yeah. Tyler, come upstairs with me. We'll make a schedule for the rest of the week.
[as Tyler goes upstairs with Megan, Drake and Josh stay behind leaving their mouths muffled]
[as he answers the phone; muffled] Hello? No, no don't, hello. No, I know. I have my mouth. You talk to him. [gives the phone to Josh]
Josh
[muffled] Hello? Who is it?
[muffled] Who is it? Hello?
[after the phone was hung up, Drake and Josh get angry as the two head upstairs]
Josh
Okay, mom and dad. Here it comes.
Who's ready to go inside?
What is up with you guys?
Yeah, you kept us out all day driving all over the city.
Get ready. [he opens the door as he, Josh, Walter, and Audrey come inside the house]
DJDrake and Josh
HAPPY ANNIVERS- [they turn on the lights to reveal that the furniture in the living room has been stolen] -[lamely] sery.
Josh
We've been robbed!
[Walter and Audrey both get shocked after all of the furniture from the living room disappeared]
[Tyler pops his head from the kitchen and throws an egg at Sergeant Doty's back thinking that Drake and Josh did it]
SDSergeant Doty
[angrily] HEY! [walks up to Drake and Josh] DO YOU THINK EGGS ARE FUNNY? Do you know I can arrest you two for assaulting a police officer?
We didn't throw an egg at you.
Josh
We don't have any eggs on us.
SDSergeant Doty
[picks up the egg tray that Tyler left from the counter] Then whose are these? The egg fairies?
Josh
We don't even know where those came from.
SDSergeant Doty
[satisfied] 50 pushups.
Josh
But you can't make us do-
SDSergeant Doty
[angrily] PUSHUPS!
[Drake and Josh are forced to 50 pushups by Sergeant Doty while the police officer, Sergeant Doty, Megan and Tyler are satisfied much to their satisfaction]
Josh
Ow.
Josh
Ow.
Josh
Ow.
Josh
Ow.
Josh
Ow.
Josh
Ow.
Josh
Ow.
[Drake and Josh both have an interview]
NMr. Nadel
Drake Parker. Josh Nichols. [Drake and Josh come in Mr. Nadel's office] What do you want?
Josh
We understand that you give people temporary jobs?
Josh
And we'd like one.
NMr. Nadel
And I'd like to meet a woman who doesn't change her phone number after the first date.
[Sarcastically] Yeah, well good luck with that.
NMr. Nadel
Ok, what are your skills?
I play guitar and date girls.
Josh
Well, I'm an honor student. I'm pretty good with magic tricks, I can cook. Oh, in the 5th grade I was voted most polite child-
NMr. Nadel
[yells] NO! THAT'S ENOUGH! [in a normal voice] Well, let's see, I've got men's room attendant, ditch digger, or you could clean up after elephants at the zoo?
[Sarcastically] Wow, they all sound so wonderful.
Josh
Do you gave any jobs that are, you know... not repulsive?
Yeah, and we want one that pays a lot.
NMr. Nadel
Sure, and I wanna meet a woman who doesn't change her phone number after the first date.
Josh
You already said that.
NMr. Nadel
[yelling] WELL IT HAPPENS EVERY TIME! I MEAN WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!
NMr. Nadel
Alright look, I got two jobs working the line at a fish factory. That glamorous enough for you?
Josh
Well, what would we have to do?
NMr. Nadel
You'd be assembling packages of sushi for distribution to local supermarkets. Pays 18 bucks an hour. Each.
Josh
Yeah, we'll take it.
NMr. Nadel
Good. Happy. Happy. Here's the address. Be there Saturday morning 8:00.
Josh
We'll be there.
[Drake and Josh leave Mr. Nadel's office; Nadel types in numbers on his phone from a piece of paper]
PPhone
The number you have reached has been disconnected
NMr. Nadel
[bangs on desk] EVERY TIME! Stupid lotion! [knocks a bottle of lotion on the floor]
Look man, we tried our best I can't think of anything else...
[Drake and Josh realize they're sitting on the couch and feel it to make sure they're not dreaming Josh looks around and sees everything back in the living room]
Josh
The Furniture's back!
Josh
We didn't do anything!
Josh
Yeah! How'd you get our furniture back?
The police found the robbers moving van.
It was broken down about a half a mile up the street.
And they found everything?
It's all here. [smells rotten stench on Drake and Josh] Do I smell rotting sushi?
Josh
Uh see we...
[cuts Josh off at mid sentence] We don't want to know.
[at the end, Drake and Josh are stuck hanging on a net by Megan and revealed that she fired Tyler]
Josh
Hello? Hello? Hello?
Josh
We're in the net. Hey, what's going on?
Well, I'll tell you what's going on? It's that Tyler kid, Megan's assistant.
[after she went out of the kitchen] Hey, boobs. How's it hanging?
Josh
Hey, tell your friend Tyler to cut us down!
Tyler didn't do this. I did. I fired Tyler.
Why? I thought you were too busy to prank us.
Yeah, but letting somebody else make your lives miserable, doesn't give me that same warm feeling I get from doing it myself, so I'll make time. Later. [leaves]
Josh
Hey. Megan, wait.
Hey, can you at least get us down from here?
Sure. [presses the button to let Drake and Josh down]
[laying on the floor] Thank you.
Josh
[laying on the floor] Good night.
[Drake and Josh and Megan get a car]
[looking at a car with tattooed flowers] Oh my god! I love this car! Let's buy this one!
Josh
Let's.
DJDrake and Josh
[singing] No!
Dad said I can help pick out the car.
Uh yes. And thank you for helping us decide we're not getting this one.
SCStan the Car Man
[appears and gets out of his cart] Well now, let me guess! You folks are looking for a car.
Josh
Hey, you're Stan the Car Man.
SCStan the Car Man
The very same.
Josh
I know, I love your commercials. You need a car, you need a truck, you need a van! Come see Stan the Car Man!
Who also sells trucks and vans.
SCStan the Car Man
I don't like it when people imitate me.
Josh
I'm sorry.
I'm also sorry. [points at a monkey] Hey, Bobo! Aw, I love this guy! [picks up Bobo]
SCStan the Car Man
He seems to have taken a liking to you too!
Yeah, maybe he can tutor you in math.
SCStan the Car Man
How much were you boys hoping to spend in this vehicle?
SCStan the Car Man
$2400. About what car did you had in mind?
Josh
Something safe.
Josh
Gets good mileage.
It's gotta have satellite radio.
Josh
Heated seats would be nice.
Josh
I get cold down there.
Look! No one is interested in your butt temperature problems.
Josh
Dr. Fish bum is.
Look, can you just show us something we can afford?
SCStan the Car Man
Well, I surely can. Right over there!
Josh
Alright.
Come on. [he and Josh walk away]
SCStan the Car Man
Butt temperature problems?
He's a mess. [she and Stan the Car Man walk away too]
[Drake and Josh come inside Dr. Favershim's apartment to rescue Bobo]
Josh
Yeah. And we want Bobo back.
FDr. Favershim
I'm sorry, we had a deal. $10,000 for your delicious friends.
Josh
So just take your check back and give us Bobo.
FDr. Favershim
Are you sure?
Josh
Absolutely.
FDr. Favershim
Very well, Bobo is in the back of the closet right over there. You may fetch him.
Josh
Back of the closet?
Josh
Come on dude, let's go get him.
Josh
Perhaps.
In the coat, where is he?
[ Dr. Favershim locks Drake and Josh in the closet so he can eat Bobo, Drake and Josh yell inside the closet in order to get out after Dr. Favershim pranked them]
FDr. Favershim
I'm sorry, boys, but I can't let you interfere with my dinner plans. [takes off the curtain off of Bobo's cage] Hello, little friend. I hope you have good taste.
Josh
[inside the closet] You open the door or we're gonna call the cops!
[inside the closet] Yeah, we have a cellphone in here!
FDr. Favershim
You have no cellphone.
Josh
[inside the closet] Do, too!
Josh
[inside the closet] How?
FDr. Favershim
Play me a ringtone.
[Josh plays a ringtone on his phone from the closet]
[inside the closet] See? I told ya we got a cellphone!
FDr. Favershim
Does it have Bluetooth?
Josh
[inside the closet] What?!?!
FDr. Favershim
Your cellphone, does it have Bluetooth?
Josh
[inside the closet] Ya, dude, it has Bluetooth.
FDr. Favershim
I don't believe you. Show me.
Josh
[inside the closet] Fine! Then, open the door! [Dr. Favershim opens door] See, Bluetooth! Ha, ha! [Dr. Favershim pushes Josh back in the closet, takes his phone, and locks the door again] What?! Oh, man!
[inside the closet] Oh, nice goin', Bluetooth!
Josh
[inside the closet] Don't start with me! [Josh slaps Drake off-screen]
[Dr. Favershim cuts slices of a carrot and takes a bite and walks up to Bobo to eat a piece, too]
Drake & Josh · 289 quotes
