Drake Parker quotes from Drake &amp; Josh

What did you do?

Drake

I didn't do anything! I-I-It was him, the sheep did this.

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[Drake and Josh feel tried and go upstairs as they bring Baaahhb up to their room when they tried to avoid showing it to Audrey and Walter]

[tired] Oh, we did it.

Drake

[tired, picks up the lamb] Yeah.

[tired] Yeah, come on. Come on. Alright. Now. Uh, you... [now awake] You stay here with the baby and Baaahhb. I'm gonna go downstairs and make sure mom and dad aren't suspicious. [opens the door and screams at Audrey and Walter who look suspicious, much to his horror, he closes the door in front of them and runs up to Drake as he feels shocked] THEY'RE SUSPICIOUS!

[Audrey and Walter come inside Drake and Josh's room and find two sheep in their room thinking they had caused all the trouble they've done]

Audrey

Well, we came up here to ask why you guys are acting so strange tonight.

Walter

But, uh, maybe a better question would be: Um, why do you have 2 sheep in your room?

Like technically, the little one is called a lamb.

Walter

Josh.

Drake

You, alright, this is all Megan's fault!

Audrey

Here we go again.

No, it is. Oh, go, okay, she bought the big one online.

Drake

And then it gave birth on my bed.

[whining] And the whole thing's been really upsetting!

Walter

Okay. So you want us to believe that a sweet little 11-year-old girl somehow managed to go on the internet and buy herself a pregnant sheep.

It does sound unlikely.

Drake

It's true!

It's true!

[comes home from oboe practice and goes inside Drake and Josh's room] Hey, what's going on?

Drake

Ha! Now she can tell you herself.

Yeah. You put down your oboe and tell them what they did!

What are you guys talking-? [sees a sheep in Drake and Josh's room and drops her oboe] Wow! A sheep! How cute! [gives the sheep a hug] Oh. Where'd you guys get him?

[Audrey and Walter stare at Drake and Josh as Megan pretends to not know about the sheep]

[worried] What? You got-you-you know good and well.

Drake

How long are we grounded?

Audrey

A month.

[defeated] Fair enough.

[Audrey and Walter are both satisfied that Drake and Josh are both grounded for one month, the lamb baas whiles Megan hugs a sheep]

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[During Drake and Josh's final night of their punishment]

That's it, 30 days. [crosses out day on the calendar] Tomorrow we are free men.

Drake

[brushing his teeth] Yeah, it's about time.

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Where have you been?

Drake

I told you, I went to go get a corn dog.

It took you over an hour just to get 1 corn dog?!

Drake

I also had a drink.

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Do you ever clean this car? It's full of trash.

Drake

Hey, everything in this car is very important to me!

[holding up a dead bird] Like this dead bird?

Drake

Aw, Tweeter died!

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Drake

[arrives with his and Josh's drink] Here.

Hey.

Drake

Her plane take off yet?

Nah. I think it's about to.

Drake

Hey, what time does she land in Denver?

WWomen

Uh, you mean the plane that just boarded?

Drake

Yeah.

Uh-huh.

WWomen

That flight's going to Los Angeles.

Drake

No it's not.

It's going to Denver. [drinks his soda then throws it, surprised] PLEASE TELL ME THAT FLIGHT'S GOING TO DENVER!

Drake

[he and Josh walk up to the lady] Um, excuse me.

Look!

Drake

That flight's that's about to leave. It's going to Denver right? Say right?

No, this is 647 to Los Angeles. The Denver flight number is 746.

Drake

Oh, yeah.

[angrily] Oh, YEAH? You put our 11 year old little tween sister on a plane to the wrong city!

Drake

Alright, alright this is no time to panic!

This is the perfect time to panic! YOU GOTTA STOP THAT PLANE!

That's impossible.

Drake

W-W-W-Well, why JUST CALL THE PILOT MAN AND TELL HIM TO TURN THE PLANE OFF AND NOT TO FLY AWAY.

I'm sorry but once the doors of the plane have been closed the flight can't be stopped from taking off.

[worried] Okay.

Drake

We understand.

We'll respect your rules.

Drake

Let's go home Josh.

[worried]' Certaily:

Security! Security to gate 9A. [security run to pick up Drake and Josh] SECURITY!

[angrily while being dragged away by security] OH THATS MY LEGS, DO YOU HAVE A PERMIT FOR THIS? DO YOU HAVE A PERMIT?

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[after airport security had detained Drake and Josh]

HSHead of Security

Alright boys, I hope you learned a very important lesson on how seriously we take airport security.

Drake

Oh, we learned. Especially during the strip search.

Which was shockingly thorough.

HSHead of Security

We do our best. Alright, have a nice day. [to Josh] And good luck with that rash.

[angrily] Yeah, thanks. Okay, what do we do? How do we find Megan?

Drake

Relax, I'll call her cellphone and tell her when she lands in LA just get on another flight back to San Diego. [he calls Megan]

[Megan's cellphone rings]

[takes it out and reveals that he has Megan's cellphone as he answers it] Hello?

Drake

[angrily] YOU FORGOT TO GIVE HER CELLPHONE BACK!?!? MAN THAT'S JUST GREAT THAT'S AWESOME!

DO NOT GIVE ME YOUR TUDE, I DIDN'T FLY HER OFF TO THE WRONG CITY!

Drake

Oh don't you hang up on me!

Oh, just come on! Uh, excuse me ma'am.

[pulls out mace] Yes?

We need 2 tickets on the next flight to Los Angeles.

Drake

We're going to LA?

We're going to LA!

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Drake

Okay, let's go get Megan!

Okay, but first...

Drake

What?

I gotta pee really bad.

Drake

Well, can't you hold it?

Yeah, I... [strained] No!

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I can't believe that we're in Los Angeles driving a stolen car!

Drake

It's not stolen.

STOLEN!!!!

Drake

We borrowed it. Which is a perfectly reasonable choice when you're trying to avoid being attacked by 2 maniacs.

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Good morning, adolescents. Please take your seats. Taylor, take off your headphones or I will sell them on the internet. [looks at the empty seat] We have an empty seat, who's not here?

BBecca

[runs up to Mrs. Hayfer] Mrs. Hayfer, the lunch ladies are fighting again.

What is it about sloppy joe day that makes those women so violent? [as she leaves] Helga? Helga?!

So what are the lunch ladies fighting about?

BBecca

Oh, they're not fighting.

Why'd you tell Mrs. Hayfer they were fighting?

Drake

[walks in] Thank you, Becca.

Of course.

Drake

And how could I ever repay you?

BBecca

I think you can guess. [Drake and Becca kiss on the cheek] Let me know if you need more help.

Drake

Let me know if you need more Drake. [Becca walks away] Oh, and Josh, you left your ointment at home.

Is nothing personal?

Well, the lunch ladies were not fighting and I don't know why those girls called- [sees Drake sitting down] Drake Parker, were you here when I left?

Drake

Oh, oh, yeah, totally. You probably didn't see me because I had my face buried in this book.

Are you lying to me Drake?

Drake

Would I lie to you?

Let me think, yes. But I know someone who never lies. [walks over to Josh] Josh? Was Drake on time to my class today?

Um, you know, what is time? When you think about it because Einstein theorized that time actually-

Josh!

[whines] No, he wasn't here on time.

Drake

Josh!

[continues whining] He told that girl to come in here so you'd have to leave so he could to sneak into class. I'm sorry, I can't lie. If you murder me in my sleep tonight I'd appreciate you doing it in a way that's not painful. IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?! [ends up getting a scary emotion]

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See you tomorrow, class.

Drake

Okay, how many days of detention are you going to give me?

None!

Drake

None!

She said none.

Drake

I heard the none.

I'm putting you in Remedial English. [Drake and Josh gasp] What's the matter, Drake? Did you not enjoy your last experience in Remedial English class?

[Drake has a dream sequence in Remedial English with lack of discipline that includes poorly behaved students]

TMr. Talbot

[with his hands and feet tied-up] Would someone like to come to the board and diagram that sentence? And perhaps untie me.

BBully

[yelling] STOP TALKING!

Drake

Oh, I don't think you're allowed to have dogs in school.

BBully

[yelling] YOU LEAVE CUDDLES ALONE!

[the goth girls sit next to Drake]

GGGoth Girl 2

I heard you kiss good.

Drake

Oh no, not really!

GGGoth Girl 1

You're our new boyfriend.

GGGoth Girl 2

I get to kiss him first!

GGGoth Girl 1

No, I do!

GGGoth Girl 2

No, you don't!

[the goth girls struggle to kiss Drake]

Drake

[whining] SAVE ME CUDDLES! [Drake's dream ends as the scene cuts to him in the classroom] Okay, you cannot put me back in Remedial English!

Well, there is one other option.

Drake

What other option?

I could give you a little sibling.

Drake

A baby pig?

A sibling is a brother or sister.

Yes, my husband Gerald is a sponsor for the little sibling foundation.

Drake

I'm almost sure little siblings are baby pigs.

[yelling] WELL, THEY'RE NOT!

Little siblings is an organization that matches up underprivileged kids with an older brother or sister.

Drake

So you're gonna punish me by making me babysit some kid?

I'm hoping that it will teach you to be responsible. It's your choice Drake, you can get a little sibling or you can go back to Remedial English class. Which will it be?

Drake

I'll take the baby pig.

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[comes in The Premiere and finds Drake and Josh with Sammy] Very, very, interesting.

Drake

Mrs. Hayfer, what are you doing out in public?

Apparently, watching you, fail miserably. Josh, would you take Sammy to the nurse for a moment?

There's no nurse here-

TO THE NURSE!

Come on, Sammy! [he and Sammy run off]

Drake

Mrs. Hayfer, I can explain.

Drake, we had a deal. You stay out of remedial English as long as your Sammy's big sibling but if Sammy prefers Josh, well I think we know what will happen to you.

[Drake has another dream sequence in Remedial English with lack of discipline that includes poorly behaved students and a vicious dog named Cuddles that's controlled by a bully]

TMr. Talbot

[with his hands and feet tied-up] WOULD SOMEONE PLEASE CALL THE POLICE!

[2 Gothic love starved Bartleby sisters try to kiss Drake as Drake's second dream ends]

Drake

Okay, okay, just give me 1 day and I promise Sammy will love me.

Make sure it happens. [walks away but stops for a little bit to talk to Drake] Oh, and Drake. Guess what?

Drake

What?

[satisfied] I hate you.

Drake

[worried] I know.

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Mr. Talbot, the principal wants to see Drake right now.

TMr. Talbot

Very well, Drake, you may go.

Drake

Yes, sir.

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[Megan and Josh enters Drake and Josh's room]

I so don't want to do this!

Come on! Just work with me for 10 minutes!

Drake

What are you guys doing?

He wants me to help him rehearse his lines for FBI's Most Wanted.

Drake

[to Josh] Dude, you are taking this acting thing way too seriously!

I just want to be good, alright?

Drake

It's acting, you show up, you say some stuff, you go home, anyone could do it.

Okay Megan, when I walk through the door, just react naturally to what I say. [he leaves the room] Megan, you ready?

Wait, let me go over my line. [looks at her script] What? Okay, I'm ready!

Drake, yell action!

Drake

[unenthusiastically, while playing some notes on his guitar] Action.

[walks through the door] Where's the money?

What?

Where's the money? You give me the money, I ain't playing! [Megan giggles] Oh come on! You can't giggle!

You said to react naturally. You tried to act tough so naturally I laughed.

Okay, don't react naturally, act the way you would if I was a big scary robber. [leaves the room] Drake!

Drake

[unenthusiastically, while playing some notes on his guitar] Action.

[walks through the door] Where's the money?

What?

Where's the money? You give me the money, I ain't playing!

There's a cop behind you.

[turns around] What cop? [Megan pushes him through the door and locks it] Megan! Open this door! Alright, fine! I'll just bust it down! [tries to get in, but he falls to the floor] Never mind.

[Drake and Megan laugh]

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[Drake helps Josh dress up as a hippie to avoid getting caught]

Drake

Come on.

I feel like an idiot.

Drake

You look fine.

[he walks out, in a hippie disguise] I look so stupid.

Drake

So, at least you're not gettin' beat up or arrested.

I guess. What it ease? People are staring at me.

Drake

So, just ignore 'em. At least it's working.

MMan

Hey, it's the Theater Thug!

No, no, no!

MMan

And he's wearing a hippie disguise!

No, no! See, my name is Antoine. How are you?

OOld Lady

Don't let him get away!

[being crowded] I'm--no, I'm not the guy! hey, It's not me! I'm... [whistles blows] Wait, wait! [dragged by the police] I'm not the guy! You've got the--No! [sputtering] I'm not--I'm not the guy! No! Tell him I'm not the guy! He went that way! He went--[dragged by the police again] I'm not the guy!