[at the end, Drake and Josh apologize to each other]
DJDrake and Josh
Drake/Josh, I'm really sorry.
No, no. I went kind of crazy back there.
DrakeYou had every right to go crazy, man. I never should have made you cheat for me.
Ok. It was your fault. But I accept your apology. Kiwi?
Drake
Up high. You know what? Since you are such an awesome brother, I'm gonna help you get back at Megan.
Drake
Totally. When she least expects it, we're gonna strike.
Cool! Thanks. Hey, you want to go play some GameSphere?
Drake
Sure!
[they get up but they realize that they got themselves glued to chairs by Megan]
Drake
MEGAN!
[comes up to Drake] Drake Parker.
Drake
Hey, Helen. Looking prettier than ever.
Oh, you beast. Did you offer him some free candy?
No. You said we weren't allowed-
Stop aggravating me and give this cute boy some free candy.
Drake
Thank you. [Josh hands the candy to him] So, what's been up, Helen?
Oh, there is something big happening here this weekend.
Sorry, I can't tell you. You know, it's top-secret hush-hush business. Got to keep it on the down low. We are having a real Hollywood premiere. Right here in this theater!
Drake
A Hollywood premiere?
I told you it was a secret! It's for that new Ashley Blake movie.
Ashley Blake? I love that girl. She's gonna be here?
Uh-huh. For the premiere. And for a big photo shoot tomorrow afternoon.
Drake
Cool.
Cool? This is amazing. I can't believe I'm going to meet a real movie star! Pinch me!
Drake
I'm not pinching any part of you.
Helen, can I please help out with the Premiere? Please?
But listen. This is the biggest thing to happen to me in my life since I played putt-putt with Dionne Warwick! So if you mess this up, I will thump you like a melon. You follow me?
Yes, ma'am. Like a melon.
I get to meet Ashley Blake. How cool is that? [grabs gumballs out of the jar and puts it in his mouth]
[shows up and confronts Josh] And no free candy!
Drake
Yeah.
[Josh spits out the gumballs out of his mouth and puts it back in the jar much to his disgust]
Drake
Look who's gonna be at this after-party, Ashton Kutcher, Adam Sandler, Ethan LaRoche...
Drake
I don't know, but he's gonna be there!
[later]
Hey, Drake! I just got an autograph from Ethan LaRoche!
Drake
Who's that?
WWoman
Ashley, how did it feel to play an 11-year-old president?
[Drake takes Ashley's head and simulates like she is whispering to him]
Drake
Uh, she says it was challenging, but rewarding.
MMan
My question for the gentlemen who answered for her.
Drake
Yes?
MMan
Why are you answering for her?
Drake
She lost her voice singing to-
Drake
So, that's why the press conference is over!
[Drake and Josh drop Ashley and run out of there]
Drake
[to Josh] Looks like your twitching days are over.
And it looks like you just won the talent contest for the second year in a row.
JJackie
Actually, it's three years! It's a three-peat just like I predicted!
DJDrake & Josh
WHO ARE YOU?!
JJackie
I love you. Bye! [runs away]
[to Drake] It's gotta be fun being you.
Drake
Yeah...
[Josh finishes his test and shuts his car door]
ODOld driving instructor
Don't slam the door! This isn't 1 of your teenage parties.
ODOld driving instructor
Now, Mr. Nicholas, I assume you expect a driver's license.
Look, if I could just retake the test, perhaps with someone less angry, I-
ODOld driving instructor
Don't interrupt me! You passed.
ODOld driving instructor
Yes, Don't you hear good, you're an excellent driver. [gives him a paper] Now, go get your driver's license before I change my mind.
Wow! Aw, this is awesome. Thank you. [hugs her]
ODOld driving instructor
Agh! Get off me before I call the cops. [walks away]
I'm street legal! [runs inside to get his license]
[Drake finishes his test]
That was the most fun driving test I've ever given.
Drake
So, uh, where do I pick up my driver's license?
Drake
Oh, Carly, seriously, uh, where do I pick it up?
Uh, Drake, I'm sorry, but I can't pass you.
Drake
Why not?
Well, let's see. [looks at her clipboard] You ran 4 stop signs, 2 red lights, drove on the sidewalk, rear-ended a firetruck... oh, and you almost ran over an old lady in a wheelchair!
Drake
Well, she was hoggin' the lane.
Drake, you're a great kid, but bad driver. Anyway, call me. I'd love to hear your band play. [walks away]
Drake
Hey, you owe me $3.75 for that combo meal!
OIOld lady in a wheelchair
What's the matter with you!?
Hey, Drake. Will you drive me to oboe practice?
Drake
You know I didn't get my license.
I know. I just love making you say it. [leaves the kitchen, then returns and speaks from the door to tease him again] Drake, later, will you drive me to the...[Drake throws a piece of food at her to shut her up, she screams and dodges]
[Drake woke Josh up in the middle of the night using his guitar]
Drake
Oh, good, you're up. Here, let's go get some tacos, you drive.
What? [looks at the clock] It's 3 A.M. [rolls under his blanket]
Drake
Yeah, I like to call it the taco hour.
Go make some. We have taco stuff in the kitchen.
Drake
Yeah, but Chez Taco's only a few miles away. Come on, just give me a ride.
No, I will not drive into the night on some Mexican adventure.
Drake
Okay, I thought that a corn shell full of beef and cheese would be a small reward for, I don't know, helping you keep your driver's license.
Okay, that's it. Stop dropping guilt bombs on me. You did me a favor, and I appreciate it. But now you're trying to take advantage of me, and I won't have it, you hear me?
Drake
Oh, I hear you, and maybe dad's gonna hear me when I tell him that you ran a stop sign and got a pretty little traffic ticket. What do you say to that?
I say, [pauses] it's taco time! [he and Drake both leave the room]
[Drake got pulled over because of a tail light being out]
PPolice Officer
Son you have a tail light out.
Yeah, stick it to him copper!
PPolice Officer
May I see your driver's license please?
Drake
Uh, yeah, about that.
Tell them, Drake. Tell him how you don't have a driver's license.
DWDenise Woods
You don't have your license?
No, he doesn't. That's why I had to drive you around all night.
PPolice Officer
Wait. So, you were driving this car?
PPolice Officer
You have a tail-light out. Afraid I'm gonna have to give you a ticket, son.
No, sir, you're going to have to give me 2 tickets.
PPolice Officer
What for?
Well...one for the faulty tail light. And one...FOR THIS! [angrily attacks Drake. Denise, creeped out, exits the car and leaves as the episode ends]
[in Drake and Josh's room, Josh makes his bed until Drake arrives]
Drake
Josh, I have a problem.
Drake
No. My problem is Wendy, your little forest fire kid.
Drake
Yeah, who's obsessed with me. Today, she verbally assaulted my date. And look, Megan found her notebook.
[hands Wendy's notebook to Josh]
Oh-ho. She wrote "Drake and Wendy" over and over. [flips through every page] Hey. If you flip through the pages really fast, there's a little cartoon of you two walking and holding hands.
[shows it to Drake]
Drake
Oh, yeah, I wonder-- [flings the notebook in the air] D'OH, THIS IS NO TIME FOR ANIMATION! She's obsessed with me!
Drake
Oh, yeah? Here, check out her answering machine.
[walks over to the phone, then starts dialing Wendy's home number and presses a button]
[on answering machine] Hi, this is Wendy. Drake's not here right now. But if he were, that would be so awesome! I love you, Drake! Please leave a message.
[the phone beeps]
Drake
See what I mean?
So? She has a crush on you. It's cute. When I was her age, I had a crush on Oprah.
Drake
Oprah?
She's inspirational! Dude, don't worry about Wendy. This week, she loves you. Next week, she'll love...
Drake
[jokingly] Oprah?
Drake
Fine. I just hope you're right.
I am right. And you should really give Oprah a chance, she is quite--
[they hear knocking on their window]
Drake
What's that?
[they walk over to find out, Drake opens the blinds and is shocked to see Wendy with a jar of pickles]
Drake
Aah! Wendy? What are you doing here?
I brought you some pickles. Oh, and will you marry me? [Drake closes the blinds on her, then turns to Josh and is irritated] They're vertically sliced for sandwiches!
[Drake arrives home from school and confronts Wendy after putting flyers with his picture all over his school]
Drake
Don't talk, just listen.
Drake
You know how much trouble your little flyers caused me? Everyone in my entire school made fun of me today because of you.
They just don't understand our relationship.
Drake
We don't have a relationship. You got it? I'm not gonna sing a song for you, and I'm not your boyfriend. I'm not even your friend. So, just leave me alone. [walks away]
PPete
So when's the wedding?
[the Campfire Kids laugh and Wendy runs away]
You know that wasn't nice.
PPete
Who said I was nice?
[comes in with the graded essays] Morning, class. I graded your essays. [satisfied] Josh, you wrote a wonderful story. I Cried When the Leprechaun Gave Birth. A+ [hands essay to Josh]
Thank you, Mrs. Hayfer. Glad you liked it.
Loved it, in fact you did so good, you can skip today's pop quiz.
Wow, A+, and no quiz. Today's my lucky day.
Yes, it is. There's your essay, Drake. [hands essay to Drake]
Drake
D-? What's wrong with it?
I don't know, just write another one.
Drake
Dude, she is so mean. Why does she have it in for me?
Mrs. Hayfer? She's the nicest teacher in the whole school. It's all in your head.
Alright class, let's begin. The Iliad and The Odyssey were originally written in what language? Drake!
Drake
Uh, Greek.
[Drake looks at Josh after Mrs. Hayfer pranked him with the wrong answer]
[Drake is standing outside of Mrs. Hayfer and Kelly's house]
Drake
Kelly, you're a really nice girl, I just don't think this is going to work out. Oh no. Kelly, I'm joining the army. Navy. Circus?
[answers the door] Who's out here?
Drake
Hey, is Kelly- [he notices Mrs. Hayfer when she comes out revealing it's her house] HOLY SNOT!
What a charming sentiment.
Drake
Mrs. Hayfer, what are you doing here?
Watching OR, and I'm missing Madelyn's colonoscopy. What are you doing on my porch?
Drake
Isn't this Kelly's address?
Wait. You're the boy who's been dating my daughter?
Drake
You're Kelly's mom?!
Drake
Oh, right there with you.
KKelly
[comes out of the house] Drake, I wasn't expecting you tonight. [laughs]
Drake
Yeah, I wasn't expecting my English teacher to be your mom.
KKelly
Are you one of my mom's students?
If you use the term "student" loosely.
Drake
Well, I’d better get going. [he leaves but Kelly grabs him]
KKelly
Oh no, no, no, no. You came all the way out here. So, what do you want?
Drake
Um...
KKelly
Why don't you take me to play miniature golf?
Drake
Oh, you know I-
KKelly
Oh, I'll get my putter. [leaves and goes inside the house]
Drake
So, nice night, huh?
Drake
I know.
Drake & Josh · 289 quotes
