[Megan comes inside Drake and Josh's room and tells Drake her truth after making his hands green (when she saw Drake eating her cookie)]
DrakeOh, it's you. Close the door!
[closes the door and walks up to Drake] What's going on?
Drake
Swear not to tell mom and dad?
Drake
Well, I have this rare skin disease called dermatameculitis.
[gasps] Oh my god! Are you okay?
Drake
I will be. See, I read online that you can cure it by soaking in zipholic acid which is in lizard pee.
Or you know there is another cure.
Drake
What?
Next time, don't eat my big cookie.
Drake
What are you saying?
I tricked you into thinking you have a rare skin disease by dying your hands and feet green while you slept and that you were stupid enough to actually fall for it and stick your hands and feet in buckets in lizard pee. That what I'm saying.
Drake
Megan!
You have a little somethin' on your upper lip.
[Drake touches his upper lip with his green hand and suffers from it as Megan leaves his and Josh's room]
Drake
Wait!
Drake
Is it gone?
[Megan leaves the room]
[walks up to Drake] Help you find something?
Drake
Oh no, I got- [turns to see her] No, I got it.
Sparks, nice. Yes, I saw them live last week at "The Phyton".
Drake
No way, I was there.
Oh, yeah, you were that guy in the crowd listening.
Drake
Yeah, that was me!
Drake
Me, too.
Come on, I'll ring you up.
Drake
Okay.
[they both walk up to the cashier's desk]
[walks up to Drake] Well, while you keep kissing your new girlfriend, I'm going to go back home and move my special pillow onto your bed.
Drake
What? [turns around to Josh]
Well, I've had 22 dates this you week and you've only had one.
Drake
Okay, yeah. I guess you get my bed. Alright, you win.
I win? I GOT MORE GIRLS THAN DRAKE!! [laughs] JOSH NICHOLS IS NO LONGER A LITTLE CATERPILLAR, AH, HE IS A BEAUTIFUL BUTTERFLY!! [flaps wings for a while then stops out of embarrassment] See you guys at home. [walks away]
Uh, Megan. This is Henry Doheny. I'm gonna go make him a sandwich with some crinkel cut fries and you keep him company. [runs off to make Doheny his sandwich]
Henry Doheny. Didn't you use to be like a really famous magician?
Hmmm. [pretends to think] Why don't you, reach into, [points to trash can and Megan looks at it] that decorative trash can and tell me.
[looks at him, searches through the trash-can, picks out old papers than a bunny, and gasps] A bunny!
Her name is Cookie, if you hold her close, she'll lick your nose.
[puts Cookie to her face and Cookie begins to lick her as she laughs] Oh my god, this is the cutest bunny I've ever seen! Can I keep her?
Thanks! You’re so cute. [goes to her room, admiring Cookie]
Drake
Fine. [picks a card] Now what?
Now, put it back. [Drake gives the card back and he takes the deck into his jacket] Very good.
Drake
[looks at Doheny with a weird gaze] So what's my card?
Cough. [Drake coughs out a card] Now, open it. [Drake does so and Doheny isn't even looking] Is that your card?
Drake
Yeah. But could you do me a favor and not make things come outta my body?
[during the end credits, Walter asks Henry to give him his hair back]
Of course, Walter. Eyes closed.
[as Walter gets ready to have his hair back, Henry leaves right away leaving Walter bald]
Drake
Vegas.
Mr. Doheny, what about my hair?!
[offscreen] Buy a wig! [he laughs mockingly as he leaves to Las Vegas]
[presses record button on video camera remote for filming contest entry video] Dear pump my room, this is our living room.
Drake
A room, in which we live.
Um, we really hope we win this makeover.
Drake
But not for us.
Drake
We call them, "Mom and Dad".
You see, my dad married his mom almost 5 years ago.
Drake
I am still in shock.
And soon, it'll be their 5th anniversary.
Drake
[sheepishly] Still in shock.
Now, we can't afford to buy them anything fancy.
Drake
So we pray that you wonderful people at Pump my Room choose us.
Drake
For the special gift, of a room makeover. [desperately] Please.
[desperately] Please. [Drake and Josh both embrace each other, drake grabs for the remote to end the video recording]
[Drake and Josh answer the door and discover that Tyler bought nachos for them]
TTyler
Hot nachos for Drake and Josh.
Drake
Yeah. It's about time our nachos got here.
Drake
[tells Josh to hush] Free nachos. I'll take those. Josh, take the nacho boy.
Do you have change for 5?
TTyler
No, sir. [he leaves]
[while Drake is eating nachos] We didn't order those.
Drake
Dude, when life hands you free nachos, you don't question it!
I'm just worried about- [starts eating nachos with Drake] Oh, my god. These are good nachos.
Drake
I know. Seriously.
These are the best nachos in the world.
Drake
They're made with, like 5 different kinds of cheeses.
What you say? As long as nobody sees us?
Drake
[muffled] It's getting hard for me to swallow.
[muffled] Something's wrong with these nachos!
[when Megan gets too busy to prank Drake and Josh, she hires a young boy named Tyler to help her when the two come out of the kitchen]
Awesome. Great, great work.
TTyler
You really think so?
[muffled] Megan, who is this? Go get over there.
Drake, Josh, I'd like you to meet My new assistant, Tyler. Tyler, you know the boobs.
[Drake and Josh muffles]
I'll explain. See, like I told you, I've been really busy lately, so I don't have time to harass you guys as much as I'd like to, which is why I hired Tyler as my assistant. To help make your lives as miserable as possible. He made the nachos.
TTyler
[satisfied] I used a special sticky cheese!
Drake
[muffled] Sticky cheese?
Yeah. Tyler, come upstairs with me. We'll make a schedule for the rest of the week.
[as Tyler goes upstairs with Megan, Drake and Josh stay behind leaving their mouths muffled]
Drake
[as he answers the phone; muffled] Hello? No, no don't, hello. No, I know. I have my mouth. You talk to him. [gives the phone to Josh]
[muffled] Hello? Who is it?
Drake
[muffled] Who is it? Hello?
[after the phone was hung up, Drake and Josh get angry as the two head upstairs]
Okay, mom and dad. Here it comes.
Drake
Who's ready to go inside?
What is up with you guys?
Yeah, you kept us out all day driving all over the city.
Drake
Get ready. [he opens the door as he, Josh, Walter, and Audrey come inside the house]
DJDrake and Josh
HAPPY ANNIVERS- [they turn on the lights to reveal that the furniture in the living room has been stolen] -[lamely] sery.
Drake
[curious] Surprise!
[Walter and Audrey both get shocked after all of the furniture from the living room disappeared]
[Tyler pops his head from the kitchen and throws an egg at Sergeant Doty's back thinking that Drake and Josh did it]
SDSergeant Doty
[angrily] HEY! [walks up to Drake and Josh] DO YOU THINK EGGS ARE FUNNY? Do you know I can arrest you two for assaulting a police officer?
Drake
We didn't throw an egg at you.
We don't have any eggs on us.
SDSergeant Doty
[picks up the egg tray that Tyler left from the counter] Then whose are these? The egg fairies?
We don't even know where those came from.
SDSergeant Doty
[satisfied] 50 pushups.
But you can't make us do-
SDSergeant Doty
[angrily] PUSHUPS!
[Drake and Josh are forced to 50 pushups by Sergeant Doty while the police officer, Sergeant Doty, Megan and Tyler are satisfied much to their satisfaction]
Drake
1.
Drake
2.
Drake
3.
Drake
4.
Drake
5.
Drake
6.
Drake
7.
Drake
8. 9.
[Drake and Josh both have an interview]
NMr. Nadel
Drake Parker. Josh Nichols. [Drake and Josh come in Mr. Nadel's office] What do you want?
We understand that you give people temporary jobs?
NMr. Nadel
And I'd like to meet a woman who doesn't change her phone number after the first date.
Drake
[Sarcastically] Yeah, well good luck with that.
NMr. Nadel
Ok, what are your skills?
Drake
I play guitar and date girls.
Well, I'm an honor student. I'm pretty good with magic tricks, I can cook. Oh, in the 5th grade I was voted most polite child-
NMr. Nadel
[yells] NO! THAT'S ENOUGH! [in a normal voice] Well, let's see, I've got men's room attendant, ditch digger, or you could clean up after elephants at the zoo?
Drake
[Sarcastically] Wow, they all sound so wonderful.
Do you gave any jobs that are, you know... not repulsive?
Drake
Yeah, and we want one that pays a lot.
NMr. Nadel
Sure, and I wanna meet a woman who doesn't change her phone number after the first date.
NMr. Nadel
[yelling] WELL IT HAPPENS EVERY TIME! I MEAN WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!
Drake
We just want jobs.
NMr. Nadel
Alright look, I got two jobs working the line at a fish factory. That glamorous enough for you?
Well, what would we have to do?
NMr. Nadel
You'd be assembling packages of sushi for distribution to local supermarkets. Pays 18 bucks an hour. Each.
NMr. Nadel
Good. Happy. Happy. Here's the address. Be there Saturday morning 8:00.
Drake
8:00?
[Drake and Josh leave Mr. Nadel's office; Nadel types in numbers on his phone from a piece of paper]
PPhone
The number you have reached has been disconnected
NMr. Nadel
[bangs on desk] EVERY TIME! Stupid lotion! [knocks a bottle of lotion on the floor]
Drake
Look man, we tried our best I can't think of anything else...
[Drake and Josh realize they're sitting on the couch and feel it to make sure they're not dreaming Josh looks around and sees everything back in the living room]
Drake
We did it!
Yeah! How'd you get our furniture back?
The police found the robbers moving van.
It was broken down about a half a mile up the street.
Drake
And they found everything?
It's all here. [smells rotten stench on Drake and Josh] Do I smell rotting sushi?
Drake
Yeah, it's a long story.
[cuts Josh off at mid sentence] We don't want to know.
[at the end, Drake and Josh are stuck hanging on a net by Megan and revealed that she fired Tyler]
Drake
Hey.
We're in the net. Hey, what's going on?
Drake
Well, I'll tell you what's going on? It's that Tyler kid, Megan's assistant.
[after she went out of the kitchen] Hey, boobs. How's it hanging?
Hey, tell your friend Tyler to cut us down!
Tyler didn't do this. I did. I fired Tyler.
Drake
Why? I thought you were too busy to prank us.
Yeah, but letting somebody else make your lives miserable, doesn't give me that same warm feeling I get from doing it myself, so I'll make time. Later. [leaves]
Drake
Hey, can you at least get us down from here?
Sure. [presses the button to let Drake and Josh down]
Drake
[laying on the floor] Thank you.
[laying on the floor] Good night.
[after Drake and his band rehearse for their concert]
Drake
Uh, no. We were not tight, alright? That was loose. We were weak.
JJulio
What's the problem?
Drake
The problem? Man, you were two beats behind the whole song. [to the other guitarist] You were playing an A minor, not an A7. [to Gary] And you? Dude, you're wearing a woman's shirt.
GGary
It's called a blouse. [Drake looks at him with a questioning look] It's my sister's, okay? All my clothes were dirty.
Drake
Well, why would you wear your sister's clothes?
[Drake hits Eric in the chest and notices Lucy, one of his ex-girlfriends]
Drake
That's Lucy, my ex-girlfriend. Josh invited my ex-girlfriend?
Well, yeah. When we were going over the guest list, Josh said you and Lucy were still friends.
Drake
Well, we are, but I invited Carly. I can't have my current girlfriend and my ex-girlfriend at the same party. You want the universe to explode? Man, what am I gonna--?
[hits Eric in the chest again and notices Christine]
Drake
Christine? How many of my ex-girlfriends are here?
Just those two, I hope. Or else I'm gonna need chest replacement surgery!
Drake & Josh · 289 quotes
