Drake Parker quotes from Drake & Josh

Drake

[after being on the phone with Josh] That was Josh.

They cancelled the concert?

Drake

The whole stage is underwater.

My uncle's got a boat!

Drake

That's great, Gary. Why don't ya climb into your uncle's boat and sail off to moron island?

Megan

[looking at a car with tattooed flowers] Oh my god! I love this car! Let's buy this one!

Drake

Shall we harmonize?

Josh

Let's.

[singing] No!

Megan

Dad said I can help pick out the car.

Drake

Uh yes. And thank you for helping us decide we're not getting this one.

Megan

Don't push me.

[appears and gets out of his cart] Well now, let me guess! You folks are looking for a car.

Josh

Hey, you're Stan the Car Man.

The very same.

Josh

I know, I love your commercials. You need a car, you need a truck, you need a van! Come see Stan the Car Man!

Drake

Who also sells trucks and vans.

I don't like it when people imitate me.

Josh

I'm sorry.

Drake

I'm also sorry. [points at a monkey] Hey, Bobo! Aw, I love this guy! [picks up Bobo]

He seems to have taken a liking to you too!

Drake

Aw, he's awesome.

Megan

Yeah, maybe he can tutor you in math.

How much were you boys hoping to spend in this vehicle?

Drake

About $2400.

$2400. About what car did you had in mind?

Josh

Something safe.

Drake

Something fast.

Josh

Gets good mileage.

Drake

It's gotta have satellite radio.

Josh

Heated seats would be nice.

Huh?

Josh

I get cold down there.

Megan

Look! No one is interested in your butt temperature problems.

Josh

Dr. Fish bum is.

Drake

Look, can you just show us something we can afford?

Well, I surely can. Right over there!

Josh

Alright.

Drake

Come on. [he and Josh walk away]

Butt temperature problems?

Megan

He's a mess. [she and Stan the Car Man walk away too]

Come in.

Drake

We are in.

Josh

Yeah. And we want Bobo back.

I'm sorry, we had a deal. $10,000 for your delicious friends.

Drake

Yeah, well deal's off.

Josh

So just take your check back and give us Bobo.

Are you sure?

Drake

Yes.

Josh

Absolutely.

Very well, Bobo is in the back of the closet right over there. You may fetch him.

Josh

Back of the closet?

Good.

Josh

Come on dude, let's go get him.

Drake

Whoa? Is he in here?

Josh

Perhaps.

Drake

In the coat, where is he?

I'm sorry, boys, but I can't let you interfere with my dinner plans. [takes off the curtain off of Bobo's cage] Hello, little friend. I hope you have good taste.

Josh

[inside the closet] You open the door or we're gonna call the cops!

Drake

[inside the closet] Yeah, we have a cellphone in here!

You have no cellphone.

Josh

[inside the closet] Do, too!

Prove it.

Josh

[inside the closet] How?

Play me a ringtone.

Drake

[inside the closet] See? I told ya we got a cellphone!

Does it have Bluetooth?

Josh

[inside the closet] What?!?!

Your cellphone, does it have Bluetooth?

Josh

[inside the closet] Ya, dude, it has Bluetooth.

I don't believe you. Show me.

Josh

[inside the closet] Fine! Then, open the door! [Dr. Favershim opens door] See, Bluetooth! Ha, ha! [Dr. Favershim pushes Josh back in the closet, takes his phone, and locks the door again] What?! Oh, man!

Drake

[inside the closet] Oh, nice goin', Bluetooth!

Josh

[inside the closet] Don't start with me! [Josh slaps Drake off-screen]

Drake

[inside the closet] Ow!

[while putting out the fire on Robbie's treehouse after Drake and Josh burned it] Well, fire's out!

Walter

Greg, I am so sorry our kids burned down your son's treehouse.

Josh

Yeah, I feel awful.

Drake

Yeah, if only Josh wouldn't have put that restrictor plate on first... [Josh shoots him a look]

Well, it's alright. I'm just a little worried about how Robbie will react, see he can be a little...

[off-screen] Daddy?

Oh no. No, I didn't want it to be like...

[walks up to Greg] Daddy? [turns to the remains of his treehouse, dropping his toy truck in shock] What happened to my treehouse?!

Son, [kneels down to Robbie's level] Drake and Josh shot it with a rocket and burned it down.

Josh

Well, you see, Robbie...

Drake

[sarcastically] Well, that was pleasant!

Why? Why would you do this to me?

Drake

We didn't mean to.

That treehouse was the only place I could cry in private!

Audrey

Oh, it's okay, Robbie! I'll tell you what, Drake and Josh, are gonna build you a brand new treehouse!

Drake

What?

Josh

Wait, what?

Walter

You heard her!

Well, we are driving up to our cottage in Fresno for the weekend. Can you boys rebuild it, tomorrow?

Josh

Wait, tomorrow?

Drake

Tomorrow?!

Josh

We can't, we have plans.

Audrey

Of course, they can.

Josh

But we have dates, tomorrow!

Drake

With hot twins!

Walter

Tough squash.

Drake

[to Josh] Squash?

Josh

I don't know, he says things...

Audrey

[to her children] You can go on your dates, after the three of you finish rebuilding Robbie's treehouse!

Megan

Whoa, whoa! By the "three of us", I hope you mean Drake, Josh, and Josh's imaginary friend!

Josh

Hey!

Megan

Mom...

Walter

Drake and Josh said you were helping them with the rocket when it flew through the window.

Drake

She was.

Audrey

So, you have to help rebuild the treehouse tomorrow.

Megan

But I'll miss Jeannie's birthday party! [turns to her brothers, venomously whispering] Tell them it wasn't my fault!

Drake

[mockingly] Sorry!

Josh

Too bad, little girl!

Walter

Now boys, Megan, [angrily whispers] why don't you tell Robbie you're sorry?

We're sorry.

It's okay.

[ruffles Robbie's hair] Atta boy!

Josh

Hey, hey, maybe you can cheer yourself up by playing with your cool red truck, here. Come on, try it, dude!

I'll try.

Josh

[while working on Robbie's new treehouse] You know, you two could help me.

Drake

I've been helping since 7 am. Now, I'm relaxing. [to Megan] Hey, pour me some more lemonade, would you? [Megan walks over and refills Drake's cup of lemonade, then uses it to splash his face] What was that for?!

Megan

For making me miss Jeannie's birthday party!

Drake

[smugly] Yeah well, it looks like me and Josh got you this time, doesn't it? [stops Megan as she walks towards the power saw] Don't touch the power saw!

Josh

Megan, just go get me some more screws from the garage.

Megan

You guys make me sick, maybe I'd better check into "St. Illness". [rolls her eyes as she walks to the garage]

Josh

[worried] Drake…?

Drake

What?

Josh

Where's the door hole?

Drake

It goes right there, see? I drew it with a magic marker.

Josh

You were supposed to cut it out with the power saw!

Drake

Dude, I'm gonna!

Josh

Oh, really?

Drake

Yes!

Josh

So go get the power saw.

Drake

Okay, I will! [tries to walk through the wall where the painted door is] I see the problem….

Josh

[angrily] Oh, do ya?!

Josh

Cone!

Drake

Whatever!

Megan

[walks to Drake with a snow cone] Hey boob.

Drake

Where you've been?

Megan

I told you I was going to get a snow cone.

Drake

Okay, well now that you have one, can you please hand up the power saw so we can get out of here?

Megan

Let me think, no!

Drake

Listen to me! You make us miss our dates with those 2 hot identical twins, I swear- [Josh grabs him]

Josh

Hey!

Drake

What?

Josh

We don't need that power saw!

Drake

Then how are we gonna get out of here?

Josh

[grabs the power screwdriver] Power screwdriver! We just need to unscrew one of these walls and boom we are out!

Drake

Do it brother!

Josh

Okay. [he power screws the door but realizes it's dead] Set this baby to reverse.

Drake

Why'd it stop?

Josh

I don't know. The screwdriver- [looks outside the window thinking that Megan unplugged it] MEGAN!

Megan

[satisfied; after she unplugged the power screwdriver] Yes, can I help you?

Drake

C'mon, let's play ping-pong!

Josh

Alright. I'll play if it'll stop you from yapping.

Drake

And the battle begins! [rings bell] Ohh, my worthy opponent. Are you prepared to ping the pong?

Josh

Wahahaha. I am prepared, Young Szechwan. Your pong is no match for my ping!

Drake

Ahh, do your worst! [he and Josh play ping-pong until Josh's paddle flies out of his hand and out the window, to Josh's horror] You have smashed the window of transparency!

Josh

[runs to the broken window] Aw, man! Mom and dad are gonna kill me!

Drake

Oh, probably. Come on, let's finish the game.

Josh

I don't have a paddle!

Drake

Oh, there's an extra one downstairs, be back in a sec.

Josh

We can't be late for this-

Drake

I'll be back in a few seconds, you can study while I'm gone. [gives Josh the book and leaves the room]

Josh

I don't think it leaves us enough- [opens the book and reads a page] What is the atomic weight of beryllium? 9.01. [yells]

Mr. Roland

Alright, class, close your books, put all materials underneath your desk. Drake, stop kissing Kat. Your exam is about to begin. You will have exactly 55 minutes to complete your-

Josh

[all sweaty from running all the way to class after Drake left him behind, bumps into the door] PLEASE! PLEASE, LET ME IN!! I'M SORRY I'M LATE! [Drake looks at him from his desk]

Mr. Roland

[Opens the door] Mr. Nichols, you know the rule.

Josh

B-But you don't understand. You see, I was just about to-

Mr. Roland

I understand that you are late, and when you're late to my class, you're not welcome in my class.

Josh

Uh, b-but w-what about the exam?

Mr. Roland

You will take a make-up exam next Saturday morning at 6AM, and you will be marked down 1 letter grade!

Josh

[very upset and despairing] Oh, no. No-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh!!! [Points at Drake angrily] YOU!

Drake

[defensively] What?

Josh

[yells and runs in the classroom to attack Drake, only to be held back by the other students, while Drake stares] COME HERE! COME HERE, YOU WANNA TUSSLE!? LET'S GO!! LET ME CLOSER!!!

Mr. Roland

[enraged] Mr. Nichols! Mr. Nichols, you will leave this classroom NOW!

Josh

But I-

Mr. Roland

NOW!

Josh

I just-

Mr. Roland

NOW!

Josh

[defeated] Now...? [leaves the classroom as Mr. Roland locks the classroom door, as Josh continues trying to plead his case] Now, if you would just allow me to explain, OH!!! [Mr. Roland yanks down the door window shade]

Mr. Roland

As I was saying, you will have 55 minutes to complete your exams. [Mr. Roland walks over to the classroom windows to close the blinds as Josh from outside still tries to plead his case.] You will use a #2 pencil.

Josh

[sobbing] I work so hard!

Mr. Roland

[closes first blind] Not #1, not #3.

Josh

[sobbing] So unbelievably hard!

Mr. Roland

[closes second blind] If you have any questions during the exams, don’t ask them!

Josh

[sobbing] I really do, I give everything a hundred…

Mr. Roland

[closes last blind] I want silence in this classroom! Silence is golden.

Josh

[freaks out] Nooo! Nah! Nah! Nah! Nah!

Drake

Hey, Josh. What goes on?

Josh

[strangely happy] Just readin' my book.

Drake

[signs] Look, I'm sorry about this morning. You know, but Kat called and wanted to make out, and, you know, Kat.

Josh

[Knowing that Drake's apology is fake] Yes, yes. She's very pretty.

Drake

Alright, you're still mad. But you won't be for long, 'cause I got you your very own sit-n-bounce! [Josh says nothing] Sit-n-bounce!

Josh

No, thanks.

Megan

Doesn't that kid Robbie next door have a sit-n-bounce just like that?

Drake

[sarcastically] No! No. And, c'mon, have you ever sat and bounced before? You can't be upset when you're sittin' and bouncin'. [plays with it. Josh closes his book and gets up, Drake bounces in front of him]

Josh

Can you please move?

Drake

[stop bouncing] Come On, dude, I said I was sorry.

Josh

Yeah, I heard you.

Drake

Well, stop being mad at me.

Josh

I'm not mad at you. I'm done.

Drake

What's that supposed to mean?

Josh

I don't want anything to do with you anymore.

Drake

So what, are you gonna move out?

Josh

No, this is the house where I live, and I guess we'll be roommates until the day I leave for college. But that's all we'll be, is roommates. I'm done with you. [walks away, leaving Drake concerned]

Megan

Whoa!

Drake

What?

Megan

You really did it this time.

Drake

Oh, c'mon, ya know how many times Josh has been furious with me? Uh, he'll pout for a day or 2, and then he'll get over it.

Megan

I dunno, he sounded pretty serious.

Drake

Trust me. Alright, I know Josh, and there's no way he's gonna keep this up-

[walks in] I knew it! I knew you took my sit-n-bounce! [kicks Drake in the leg and takes his sit-n-bounce back]

Drake

[arrives at the Premiere] Hello, Josh.

Josh

Hi, Drake.

Craig

Why are you all sweaty?

Drake

I'm all sweaty because I ran out of gas and I had to walk all the way here because SOMEBODY forgot to fill up the car!

Josh

It's not my responsibility to fill the car with gas.

Drake

You always fill up the car!

Josh

Used to, now I put in just enough gas for myself.

Drake

Well, good! You know, good for you! I DON'T NEED YOUR GAS! And just so you know, I'm gonna go see a movie right now and I don't need a free ticket from you cause mom paid me 10 bucks to get out of the house! So I don't need you for ANYTHING!

Movie tickets here are $11.

Drake

What?

Eric

And popcorn and soda are gonna cost you another 6 or 7.

Drake

D'oh! You know what? I'm not even gonna buy a ticket, I'm just going in. Right, just going right in! [yells at ticket checker employee, he stubbornly walks into theater 7]

Josh

[clears throat, grabs the communicator] Security, we have a problem in theater 7: male Caucasian, sweaty, wearing a gray sweatshirt. [beeps] So what's the difference between a hoagie and a submarine sandwich?

Steve

I always thought a hoagie was a hot sandwich, and a submarine could be served hot or cold.

Craig

No, I think it's the other way around.

Eric

Okay, but what's a grinder?

Same thing as a hoagie.

Drake

[getting dragged by the security guards] Hey! Hey! Let go, let go! Josh, Josh! Tell them to let me go! Josh, Josh! Tell them! Tell them! Look this way, I know this guy, I know this guy. Ask him, ask him.

Is this guy a friend of yours?

Josh

[satisfied] No, he's not.

Drake

[frustrated] Josh!! Oh. You're gonna regret this, Josh! You need me! YOU NEED ME!!!

Josh

So, hoagie and grinder same thing, huh?

[All talking at once in agreement] Yes./That's right./Uh-huh./Yeah.

Steve

All in the sandwich family.

Drake

[after being switched with another lab partner named Clayton, messes up his science experiment, causing green water to flow and spill over his hand] Whoa-whoa! Hey-hey! What's happening, what's happening!? Oh-okay-okay-okay! Arms tingling, arms tingling!

Craig

Chemical emergency! [turns on the alarm]

Mr. Roland

Let's get him in the power-shower! [grabs Drake and carries him into the chemical shower, as Josh watches in shock]

Drake

Hey-hey! Watch it, will you-!? What is this!? [Roki shuts the door, Mr. Roland turns on the water] What are you, what are you-!? AAA-OOHHHH!!!! [Starts yelling as the hot water stingingly washes off the chemicals]

Mr. Roland

Drake, are you alright?

Drake

Hey! What is this water!? Ow! [continues yelling as everybody, including Josh, watches]

Mr. Roland

[turns off the water] Drake, you may come out now. [Drake comes out, all soaked and groaning] Sit down, Drake. [Drake ignores him, walks towards the door] Drake, sit down!

Drake

No!

Mr. Roland

Drake!

Drake

Josh!

Josh

What?

Drake

Look, I'm sorry.

Josh

Well--

Drake

Look, let me finish, okay? I was wrong, okay? I was wrong.

Josh

What do you mean?

Drake

I-I need you more than you need me. Uh, I-I need you way more than you need me, a-alright? I'm sorry. M-Man, I'm sorry I made you late for your exam, and I'm sorry I ran over your bike, and I, uh-- I-I'm sorry, I'm probably the worst brother in the world! And y-you know, you're way better off without me, you know? I just-- I just need you to understand that-- uh, I just-- Sorry, Josh, I'm sorry. [tearfully walks out of the classroom, leaving Josh stunned]

Mr. Roland

Josh, would you like to go talk to Drake?

Josh

[realizes he has gone a little too far for cutting Drake out of his life, seeing how he learned his lesson the hard way; and yet…] No. No, sir.

Mr. Roland

Alright. Class, let's get back to our experiments.

Josh

Hoaw! We have unfinished business, Young Szechuan.

Drake

Josh….

Josh

Wa-cho! You will address me only as Master Monguku. [Drake cheers up as Josh, smiling back, picks up his paddle]

Drake

Your words, they are strong. Uh, but your skills are weak!

Josh

Your foolishness, Young Szechuan, has sealed your fate!

Drake

Aw, destiny is mine! [They both play ping-pong ball together with kung-fu yells at every swing and reconcile again happily as the episode ends]

Josh

Hey, Craig.

Craig

Evenin'.

Josh

Where's Eric?

Craig

Oh, he didn't wanna come. He was afraid Drake might be mad at him 'cause he punched him in the eye.

Josh

He's not mad. Drake, you're not mad, are you?

Drake

Nah, I'm not mad. Craig didn't mean to hit me.

Craig

I'M Craig.

Drake

[scoffs] It matters.