Drake Parker quotes from Drake &amp; Josh

View quote →

[Drake and Josh both get trapped in the bathroom after Tiberius attacks them]

Drake

Did you see those teeth?

Do you see the stain?! What's this dog's problem?

Drake

Its problem is it wants to eat us, and we're in here. [Tiberius barks] Mrs. Hayfer asks you to watch her house, but doesn't mention her dog's homicidal.

It's not on the list!

View quote →

[Drake and Josh found out that Walter did not answer the phone because he was working out at home singing]

Drake

Well?

No answer.

Drake

You probably dialed the wrong number. Let me see it--

No, I think I know our own number.

Drake

Dude, just let me try- [he and Josh both fight with Josh's phone and it lands in the toilet] Nice! [sees Josh's phone in the toilet]

It's your fault. Go get it.

Drake

I'm not putting my hand in there! That's where Mrs. Hayfer pees!

Probably doesn't even work anymore.

Drake

Yeah, well, let's see. [flushes Josh's phone away] It still works.

I knew the toilet still worked, Drake. I MEANT MY PHONE!

Drake

Oh, well, that's gone.

View quote →

[offscreen] Hello? Anybody home?

Who's that?

Drake

It sounds like Megan.

[offscreen] Drake? Josh?

That is Megan, Oh, no, she's outside with Tiberius!

Drake

Oh, he'll eat her alive!

Come on! [tries to open the door but Drake puts his foot on the door] Dude!

Drake

[blocks the door] Well, just 'cause she gets eaten, doesn't mean we have to.

That's our little sister out there, we've gotta help her!

Drake

Alright.

Come on. [he and Drake come out of the bathroom and see Megan in the living room to reveal that Tiberius is behaving as he loudly whispers] Megan! Run!

I don't wanna run.

Drake

[loud whisper] But he's vicious.

Yeah, he's real vicious. Ooh, down, boy. You're so scary.

[Drake and Josh walk over to her]

I don't get it. Well, he's all calm.

Drake

Evil dog, evil girl. Makes perfect sense.

Where have you two been? You were supposed to pick me up 2 hours ago.

How'd you know we were here?

Dad said you were stopping here and then picking me up, which you didn't.

We couldn't.

Drake

Yeah, we were trapped here by this demon dog.

What're you talking about?

When you're not around, he goes all berserk and tries to kill us.

Really?

DJDrake and Josh

Yeah/Uh-huh.

[satisfied] See ya. [she leaves Mrs. Hayfer's house and makes Tiberius bark loud at Drake and Josh and trap the boys in the bathroom again much to her delight]

View quote →

ACAnimal control guy

[offscreen] Hello, anyone home?

Drake

Now who's here?

ACAnimal control guy

[offscreen] Hello, animal control.

Animal control!

[they open the door]

Drake

Hey.

Hi.

ACAnimal control guy

You boys have a canine issue?

Drake

Uh yeah, h-how'd you know?

ACAnimal control guy

Yeah, we got a call from one of the neighbors. Said she had heard loud barking and girls screaming all night long. Are you the screaming girls?

DJDrake and Josh

Maybe/Sorta.

ACAnimal control guy

Okay, where's the dog?

Drake

We're not sure.

But-but, you-you should probably put on some protective padding or something.

Drake

Yeah, this dog is big and way out of control!

ACAnimal control guy

Look, boys. I've been doing this 11 years. Don't worry about me. I can handle any dog situation that could possibly...

[Tiberius enters the room, barking at his new target. The officer screams as he tries to run, bumping into Drake and Josh as he passes the latter his snare pole. He retreats to the bathroom, slamming the door behind him. They also rush to the bathroom with Tiberius giving chase, running into the door which bumps aside the officer. Josh unfortunately blocks their way in with the pole, but moves it just in time to get inside and close the door]

View quote →

Drake

So why do they call it New Jersey, if they've never even had a plain Old Jersey?

I don't know. I wasn't at the meeting. Hey, turn it to channel 5. I'm going to go grab a drink. [he goes in the kitchen to grab a drink]

[while a terrified Walter still gets chased by Tiberius, Josh grabs a drink from the kitchen]

Drake

So is there an Old Hampshire?

View quote →

[Opening comments: Drake and Josh talk about how unpleasant their great aunt Catherine is and both are in agreement that she is quite unpleasant]

So, me and Drake have this Great Aunt Catherine.

Drake

Have you ever met my Great Aunt Catherine? No? Well, hey. Lucky you.

She's almost 90 years old.

Drake

She's like 90,000 years old.

She's not nice!

Drake

She is mean. [moves closer to the screen] Mean to the bone!

Something's not right about Aunt Catherine.

Drake

She collects hair... from people she doesn't even know well!

Oh, and get this.

DJDrake and Josh

Aunt Catherine's getting married!

I mean, who wants to get married at 89 years old?

Drake

You know, Josh and I disagree on a lot of stuff, but I bet he hates Aunt Catherine just as much as I do.

I wonder if Drake hates Aunt Catherine as much as I do. [turns to Drake] Do ya?

Drake

Totally.

View quote →

Craig

Who's getting married?

Drake

[disgruntled] Our Great Aunt Catherine.

Eric

Isn't she like 87?

Drake

89. But she's got this insane beach house in Laguna Niguel, so it's majorly important that she loves us.

View quote →

Drake

Can we just go?

Why are you in such a hurry?

Drake

'Cause I want Aunt Catherine's beach house, bad.

Yeah, so do I.

Drake

Well, we can't be late for the wedding, and we have to pick up the cake.

Dude, we got plenty of time, alright? Just as long as we get to the bakery before... [notices his laptop case gone] Hey, have you seen my laptop case? I thought I left it right here.

Drake

Yeah, I gave it to Craig and Eric.

You-you what?!

Drake

They told me you said it was cool.

Yeah, I said it was cool for 'em to borrow my computer, but why'd you give them the whole case? It had my cell phone in it and my keys to Mom's SUV! Now we have no car!

Drake

Well, I'll just call Craig and Eric and tell them to come back.

No, we can't. They don't have cell phones.

Drake

Why?

'Cause Papa Nichols threw Eric's against the wall and broke it, and Craig's mom thinks cell phones cause ear sores!

Drake

Craig does get a lot of ear sores.

Look, we cannot be late to this wedding!

Drake

Right, okay, um... Trevor!

What about Trevor?

Drake

We'll borrow his car.

His girlfriend sleeps in it.

Drake

No, they broke up. She sleeps in some other guy's car now.

I don't wanna go to a wedding in Trevor's El Camino, it's old and gross.

Drake

So is Aunt Catherine.

Drake, if we--

Drake

Dude, it runs, and the wedding cake will fit in the back. And the most important thing is it'll get us there on time. [starts calling Trevor on the phone]

View quote →

[Trevor's old car breaks down]

Drake

It won't start.

Oh, really?

View quote →

Drake

Look, maybe I can fix the motor.

You can't fix a sandwich!

Drake

If you make fun of me one more time, I'm gonna tell everyone we know that you named your favorite pillow Mr. Puff Puff.

Sorry if I offended you.

View quote →

[a Hummer parks in front of Drake and Josh and two male strangers get out of it]

Drake

Hey.

Thank you so much for stopping.

SSpencer

No problem.

RRyan

Where are you guys headed?

To our Aunt Catherine's wedding.

Drake

But we gotta be there in less than half an hour.

Yeah, with that cake.

Drake

We're in big trouble.

SSpencer

Well, did you call for help?

No, we don't have cell phones.

Drake

But if you drive us to the nearest payphone, we'll give you 75 bucks.

Oh, hold on. [checks his wallet] I've got... [takes out a dollar bill] an extra 40!

Drake

Alright, that's almost 100 bucks!

[silence]

Will you please drive us?

SSpencer

Wait a minute, so... you guys are stranded out here.

RRyan

Flagging down strangers.

SSpencer

And you got no cell phones.

RRyan

And it's just the two of you.

SSpencer

Alone.

DJDrake and Josh

Right.

[Ryan and Spencer push Drake and Josh to the ground and take their wallets away from them as they drive off right away leaving Drake and Josh stranded in the middle of the road]

View quote →

[Drake notices the name tag on Leslie's uniform]

Drake

Leslie's Towing Company, huh?

LLeslie

Yeah. Been in the towing business for 23 years.

Drake

So, who's Leslie, your wife?

LLeslie

No. Leslie's my name. [Drake bursts into laughter] Something funny about that?

Drake

Well, yeah, I mean, Leslie's a girl's name.

LLeslie

Oh, is that what you think?

Uh, what my brother meant to say was, we don't think Leslie's a girl's name. We think it's a guy's name, dude. A man's name, [mimicking Leslie] a very man's name. Grr.

Drake

No, it's not. Leslie's totally--

Silence!

LLeslie

[to Drake] Listen, boy. I was named after my father, he was named after his father, and they both fought in wars.

Drake

Okay, all I'm saying is I've dated like five Leslies. All girls.

LLeslie

Okay, uh, you know, I'll tell you what. You can rot in a sack for all I care. Goodbye.