Oh Susan, you are such a good person, and I'm such a bitch!
S1Every Day, A Little Death
I guess I should go take a shower and wash Mrs. Huber off me.
Hello. I want to thank you all for coming out here and expressing your genuine sorrow and disbelief. My sister, Martha, would have been so touched. I know that many of you have questions. I've just spoken with the police who are still putting together the details of what happened. What they do know is, Martha died a violent death. Yes, I know. It’s hard to hear. Apparently, there was a struggle. They found scratching and bruising on her body, several broken bones, and traces of dirt in her lungs, which leads us to believe that she was still alive at the time of her burial, and probably in great pain. But the good news is, there are no signs that she had been molested. Now, I think it's time that you return to your homes, to your loved ones. Oh, in lieu of a memorial service, I'll be holding an estate sale the day after tomorrow. Please, no personal checks.
S1Your Fault
Hey!
I'm not speaking to you.
Didn’t like the settlement talks, huh?
You only demanded the good china because you know I love it.
You take our timeshare in Aspen, and I'm vindictive? Come on! You'll hardly ever use that place!
Hardly? How about never!
I mean, fine. When I move out, I’m going to use your good china for take out food. Yeah. pizza, spare ribs...
You know what? At our next settlement talks, I plan on asking for your golf clubs!
Isn’t divorce fun?
Susan (chuckles): Listen, I know being dramatic is the birthright of every teenager, but come on...
WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING?! DO YOU THINK THIS IS FUNNY?
Susan (harshly): Thank you, Zach. You have just made this really easy for me. You are now forbidden from seeing or talking to my daughter ever again. And if you come within ten feet of her, I will call the police, and I will have you arrested! Now get out!
John, you're a toy. A sweet dumb toy. So you might as well go to college, because me and you? No future!
What do you say Bree, do we send the vultures home?
I want to keep the club membership. Rex is terrible at tennis and hates buffets.
I've tried poor but happy. Guess what? Wasn't that happy!
S1Love is in the Air
Okay. So what’s our control word?
Well, lately I’ve been using Philadelphia. What's wrong?
Well it's just that my Aunt Fern lives in Philadelphia and I don’t want to be thinking about her while I’m spanking you with a leather strap.
Okay. Fine. You pick a control word.
Um, how about Boise?
Boise?
What's the matter with Boise?
We're going to be doing psychological role playing here, Bree, and a funny word like Boise would ruin the mood. We need something that sounds serious."
Hmm. How about Palestine?
Boise will be just fine.
For God's sake, you promised to be supportive.
What do you want me to say? My husband likes to wear metal clamps around his nipples. Hooray?
Are you sure you didn't misplace it? No offense, but you're getting up there in the years.
No offense, but you should be sterilised.
Do you know what psychological warfare is?
No.
Too bad for you.
How old are you?
Porter (also referring to his twin brother): We're 6.
And how old are you?
5.
Wow, your mother just pops them out, doesn't she?
How old are you?
How old do you think?
150.
S1Impossible
Mrs. Van De Kamp.
Hello, John. I'm sorry to drop by on you, unannounced. Do you have a moment?
Sure. So, what can I do for you?
Well, I'll tell you. My daughter is planning on giving you her virginity and I would consider it a personal favor if you wouldn't take it.
For God's sake Bree, what do you want me to say? He's a teenage boy, we could cut off his penis and he'd still try to have sex.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Desperate Housewives pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.