Lynette Scavo quotes from Desperate Housewives

Lynette

You can tell them how beautifully behaved the twins are.

Bree

So you want me to lie?

Lynette

I thought that was understood.

Lynette

Did you bat your eyes? You know, it doesn't work if you don't bat your eyes.

Susan

Honey, I batted everything that wasn't nailed down.

Lynette

Are you sure you didn't misplace it? No offense, but you're getting up there in the years.

No offense, but you should be sterilised.

Lynette

Do you know what psychological warfare is?

No.

Lynette

Too bad for you.

Edie

I was just about to give a Maisy Gibbons update.

Lynette

Guys, we should be ashamed of ourselves for reveling in that woman's misery. That being said, Edie, please continue.

Lynette

I don't get it. I don't get who would pay Maisy for sex.

Gabrielle

Obviously someone who is not getting it at home.

Bree

Ah, what just happened?

Lynette

The stakes were raised.

Bree

Yes, yes they were. I fold.

Tom

Lynette, the kids are getting older, and they are getting smarter. Soon, they're going to realize that they outnumber us, and then...

Lynette

We're screwed.

Tom

Exactly.

Lynette

Hi. (to Bree) My babysitter cancelled.

Bree

I've got millions of errands to run so...

Lynette

Please hear me out. This is important. Today I have a chance to join the human race for a few hours. They're actual adults waiting for me with margaritas. Look, I'm in a dress. I have make-up on.

Bree

If it were any other day.

Lynette

Oh, for Gods sake, Bree, I'm wearing pantyhose.

Edie

When I feel threatened by a woman, I pull her in. I make her my best friend.

Lynette

I thought you said you didn't have any female friends.

Edie

I don't. And I've never felt threatened by another woman, either.

Tom

...It seems like you're not going to be happy until you drive me out of this marriage just to prove yourself right (Pause)...You know what, forget I said that."

Lynette

It's too late.

Tom

Well, then just consider it something husbands say to their wives.

Lynette

And you don't find it odd that Parker's new friend made her appearance right at the time I went back to work?

Tom

Kids have imaginary friends. It's no big deal.

Lynette

I'll agree with you to a point, when they're flying kangaroos or giant robots, not surrogate mommies.

Tom

Hey. Parker is having a little trouble adjusting. That's all. Apparently, so are you. Honey, don't be so sensitive.

Lynette

I hope you're right. At the risk of sounding too sensitive, how come she gets a bigger portion?

Tom

Okay, listen. Don't worry about it. I'm sure Mrs. Mulberry's around here somewhere.

Lynette

Or, uh, maybe she's not. She could've left. You know... Maybe she had some other little boy that she needed to help.

Like who?

Lynette

I don't know, it could be a little boy in, uh... England... named Spencer?

Tom

Lynette?

Lynette

I mean, this is conjecture on my part. But it is possible that someone like little Spencer needs Mrs. Mulberry more, because he doesn't have a daddy and a mommy who love him. Yeah, that's it. He's a orphan. with no hands! Okay? (Tom's face becoming dark)

Lynette

(crying) Because of me, my son's imaginary friend got crushed by a garbage truck. I am the worst person in the world.

Tom

Honey, he is going to get over this in no time. Trust me. And one day when he is all grown up, you and Parker are going to laugh hysterically about this.

Lynette

You really think so? Really?

Tom

I promise.

So, the pig actually eats the bacon?

Tom Scavo

Uh, huh, yeah.

I don't see the client doing a happy dance over the whole cannibalism theme.

Lynette Scavo

Well, Tom, why don't you pitch him the other idea you came up with last night. You know the one where people love bacon so much they want to keep it a secret.

What like a secret underground society of bacon eaters?

Tom Scavo

More like my college fraternity, where, you know, everybody wanted in, but we only took the coolest guys.

You were Greek?

Tom Scavo

Alpha Tau Omega.

I was Phi Kap.

Tom Scavo

You?

And I don't remember you having to be that cool to pledge ATO.

Tom Scavo

Look, if I had a nickel for every Phi Kap that I tied to a freeway sign.

Scavo, if you were my pledge, I would've made you my bitch.

Lynette

Sweetie, could you put the crayons down for a second, we need to talk. I talked to your teacher today and she told me about the cookie deal you made with Cindy Lou.

Oh, are you mad?

Lynette

[laughs uncomfortably] No, not exactly, I'm trying to understand why you did that.

[Innocently] Tommy Keenan told me babies come from down there, that doesn't sound right to me.

Lynette

Well, actually he's kinda right, he's got the concept down.

[Innocently confused] That's weird! How does a baby get in there?

Lynette

Daddy will be home from his business trip in a few days, why don't you wait for him?

OK. Or I can ask Tommy's brother. He's fourteen and he knows everything!

Lynette

... And then the mommy and the daddy because they love each other so much, they hug real tight, and a seed is magically implanted and nine months later a baby is born.

What kind of seed?

Lynette

Oh, that's not important.

I don't believe you!

Lynette

Parker, I'm your mother. Mothers don't lie to their sons. Now go wash your hands or Santa's not gonna bring you anything for Christmas.