Bree Van de Kamp quotes from Desperate Housewives

Bree

Orson, I have caught you cheating, at least have the courtesy to WAKE UP!

Bree

Look, this family's reputation is already hanging by a thread. I mean first people thought that your stepfather was a wife killer, then your sister takes off with her history teacher, and now we're supposed to parade the little bastard up and down the street. I mean we might as well sit on the porch and play banjos!

Bree

Don't you dare try to turn our son into an intellectual!

Bree

Don't you dare throw your calligraphy skills in my face when you know I'm at a low point!

Bree

No, I'm just sayin you're worth less.

Bree

(explaining her bad luck with love) My marriage ended six days ago, Keith is 15 years too young for me and my track record with lovers...two dead, one in a wheelchair.

Bree

Nine years ago my son found me face down, drunk. He had to turn the sprinklers on to wake me up. Did you not know you're dating the biggest lush in Fairview? Do you think you can deal with a control freak with a drinking problem?

Rex

So these tennis lessons we're taking. How are we doing?

Bree

My back hand is improving immensely, but you're still having problems with your serve.

Rex

Of course.

Susan

Lynette?

Lynette

I'm in.

Bree

I'll make braised lamb shanks.

Lynette

I'm still in.

Susan

How could we have all forgotten about this?

Lynette

We didn't exactly forget, it's just usually when the hostess dies the party is off.

Bree

Lynette!

Lynette

I'm not being flip, I'm just pointing out a reality.

Bree

He could've been a sexual predator.

Rex

And he ended up at Mrs. Frome's? That's a lose-lose situation.

Lynette

You can tell them how beautifully behaved the twins are.

Bree

So you want me to lie?

Lynette

I thought that was understood.

Rex

Oh come on, I'm staying at a motel, I haven't had a decent meal in weeks.

Bree

Honey, the marriage counseling may not work out, you need to get used to bad cooking.

Bree

Rex. The truth is, with the kids gone, I'll be all by myself in this house for the first time in seventeen years.

Rex

Honey, I know it's hard to hear, but the marriage counseling might not work out. You need to get used to being alone.

Bree

You're right. That was hard to hear.

Bree

Is that how you see me? As some sort of prude who just lays there like a cold fish? I love sex.

All right.

Bree

I love everything about it. The sensations, the smells. I especially love the feel of a man. All that muscle and sinew pressed against my body. And then, when you add friction. Mmm... The tactile sensation of running my tongue over a man's nipple ever so gently. And then there's the act itself - two bodies becoming one in that final eruption of pleasure. To be honest, the only thing I don't like about sex is the scrotum. I mean, obviously it has its practical applications, but I'm just not a fan.