Jane Lane quotes from Daria

[Pointing to the crutch she planted following Daria's advice] Look, the new Tommy Sherman Memorial Tree.

Jane

Lovely.

I wonder why it isn't blossoming.

Daria

Did you take the little rubber thing off the bottom?

Oh!

Jane

Oh,hmm, Daria? Maybe we should go inside before lightning strikes you dead and bits of you mess up my nice shoes.

I never thought I would say this, but the grades on these tests were miraculously above my low expectations.

Jane

I like a teacher with no ambitions for his students.

Daria

[looks at her test; the score is 100] Yeah, high standards only give us something to strive for.

[has a score of 66] Yes! I passed and I got the extra point!

Kevin

All right!

Kevvy? What's that "A" doing on your paper?

Why, Brittany, that's the most intelligent question you've asked all year.

Thanks!

Kevin?

Kevin

I have an "A" because...I got a hundred?

That's right, Kevin. In fact, almost the entire football team, despite repeated cranial trauma and a chronic inability to solve the maze on the back of a cereal box, got a hundred!

Go, team, go!

Only Mr. Mackenzie got a "B"!

[less enthusiastically] Go, Mac, go...

Forgive me my suspicions, but it's obvious that someone--Kevin--got a hold of the test beforehand--Kevin--which would account for the jimmied lock on my filing cabinet--Kevin!

Daria

But who does he really suspect?

Jane

That Jimmy guy?

Perhaps you would like to share with us your knowledge in this matter?

Kevin

But I don't know anything.

Daria

Can't accuse him of lying there.

I think you do know something about the incident, Kevin. I think that if you didn't steal the test yourself, then you know who did, and is it not true that you needed an "A" to get off academic probation?

Kevin

Nah, the coach said he'd fix my... I mean, hey, I studied!

[takes Kevin's test] Kevin, who were the principle players in the Teapot Dome scandal?

Kevin

The New Orleans Saints?

Teapot Dome, Kevin, not Superdome!

Kevin

Teapot... the New England Patriots!

Daria

How many teams are there in the NFL? I want to know if this is going to run into lunch.

[leans over Kevin] Where were you Monday afternoon?!

Kevin

Um, hanging out with the team?

Before you run off to your next class for your naps, know that unless the guilty party comes forth, everyone will receive an "F" on the test! Do I make myself clear?

Daria

I can't help but think that there's something in here that Upchuck's Angels overlooked.

Jane

Wow, that's a stretch. Probably just some incriminating piece of evidence that Ms. Li will jump all over as proof of your guilt. [Daria removes a pink pistol from her locker and Ms. Li, Jake, and Helen appear in police uniforms, standing behind her] Right on schedule.

Ms. Morgendorffer, you're under arrest for the murder of Kevin Thompson. Book her: murder one.

Daria

I just picked what I'm gonna fail at -- getting Quinn grounded so she can't go to that thing.

Jane

Excellent.

Daria

This way, if I blow the assignment and Quinn is grounded, I still win.

Jane

Okay. Now you gotta help me to pick something to fail at; something really impresive that doesn't required any effort of any kind.

Daria

How about performing brain surgery on Kevin?

Jane

I said no effort. Finding that brain could take weeks.

Daria

Then...how about being conventional: looking and acting like anybody else. It would take you no time to fail at that.

Jane

What are you saying? That I'm some kind of freak of nature?

Daria

Define of nature.

Daria

Next, we have reason number 17; Endangering a minor. The Teen Fashion Extravaganza reinforces the false notion that all you need to survive is a credit card and a pair of ankle boots. This misapprehension could prove fatal should Quinn ever find herself stranded in the wild.

Jane

Although, not if she's stranded in the Wild Pair.

Daria

You know I'm gonna fail at this. They'll say Quinn has to learn by making her own mistakes...outside the house. Freeing up the phone for my mother's cavalcade of obsessive business calls.

Jane

Why, oh why can't she just have a substance abuse problem like a normal mom?

Daria

I'm gonna head home. I wanna see if they delivered my hydrocephalic skull replica.

Jane

Wait. It's time for the moment of truth. [she steps out of her closet with her hair up in a bun and wearing a light-blue mini-skirt, a red sleeveless top with a bare midriff, and a pair of clunky sandals] So, like do I look conventional, or whatever?

Daria

[gets scared] Ahhh!

Daria

Tom ate your Gummi Bears even though he knew you needed them for your statue? That *was* pretty inconsiderate.

Jane

Well, now that I think about it I may not have actually told him they were for my statue, but he should have known!

Daria

Definitely. Especially since they were probably right there next to your paints. Unless he eats paint too.

Jane

Um... the Gummi Bears were in a bowl on the kitchen counter. But they were in plain view of my statue! [pause] I don't have a leg to stand on, do I?

Daria

I'd rather not answer that, stumpy.

Jane

Aw, hell.

Daria

Look, Tom's reasonable enough. Maybe if you just talked it out.

Jane

Hmm. Sounds sort of drastic.

Daria

Then, how about this? Serve him some frozen lasagna and tell him you're sorry you haven't been around much lately, but as soon as you get some time off, you're gonna do something fun together and really catch up on each other's lives.

Jane

You know, Helen ought to right a book. [sees sales girl] Quick! Before she disappears again! [runs to catch sales girl]

[offscreen] Payday is currently experiencing a temporary power outage. Sales of butane, propane, methane, gasoline and other combustibles will be temporarily suspended until the sprinklers and ventilation system are working again, and we can get the damn doors open. Thank you for shopping the Payday way.

[offscreen] Oh, no! Kevie, someone stole our cart! [pause] Kevie?

[offscreen] Will whoever has their hand on my butt please remove it, this instant.

Jane

[offscreen] Daria?

Daria

[offscreen] Yeah?

Jane

[offscreen] Gummy bear?

Jane

So that wasn't so difficult, was it?

Daria

Which part -- the hair coloring or the accusation of betrayal?

Jane

Oh, Daria, look, forget it. I imagined the whole thing.

Daria

That's right.

Jane

Okay! Now, on to more important stuff. [removes the shower cap, revealing jagged orange blotches instead of smooth blonde stripes] Am I striped yet?

Daria

[wide-eyed] Um, no, not quite yet.

Jane

Is anything happening up there?

Daria

Uh... you know, I think I should probably get home.

Jane

Aw, come on! Don't you want to stick around for the fun? [gets up and heads over to a mirror]

Daria

Definitely not.

Jane

Come on, Daria, you must want to see-- [looks herself at the mirror] aah! What did you do to me?

Daria

I told you I was no good at this!

Jane

Can't you paint a lousy stripe?

Daria

I don't... I...

Jane

You did this on purpose! To take Tom away from me!

Daria

What?!

Jane

Get out of here, Daria!

Daria

Let me fix it!

Jane

How?

Daria

I don't know!

Jane

[angrily] JUST... GET... OUT!

Jane

Hey!

Daria

Oh. Hi.

Jane

What's up? What's going on? How you doing?

Daria

Great.

Jane

No walkee to school today? What happened? [Daria doesn't response] Hey, what's up? Talk to me.

Daria

I kissed your boyfriend.

Jane

What?

Daria

I kissed your boyfriend. I kissed Tom. I didn't mean to. [Jane runs leaving Daria alone in a knot of students] I'm sorry! I'm sorry.

Jane

Should we tell her it's easier to speak if you open your mouth?

Tiffany

[enters the bathroom] Stacy, what time is the Fashion Club meeting today?

Stacy

There is no meeting.

Tiffany

How co-

Stacy

How come?! Because I can't take it anymore. I'm sick of doing all the work while you just sit there. I tried my best, and even if it wasn't as good as Sandi's or Quinn's, a chain is only as strong as its weakest round thingy, and you refused to lift one freakin' finger! I'm through running the Fashion Club all by myself while you [imitates Tiffany] stare.... in the mirror.... and talk.... about yourself.... [normal voice] and I, I, I quit!

Tiffany

Hmm, maybe I should quit, too.

Jane

You saw it here first. The Fashion Club is dead. Pay me my 80 smackers.

Jane

He meant well, for a teacher who does nothing well.

Daria

I'm reminded of my father.

Jane

What? Why?

Daria

Because I can't get the phrase, "damn idiot teachers with their damn idiot brains," out of my head.

Jodie

[enters] Hey, Daria, congratulations. A published story, that's amazing.

Daria

Um, it's not exactly published. I sent it in, but I haven't heard back.

Kevin

Then why are you telling everybody that it's been published?

Jane

Oh, you know Daria and her compulsive need to impress.

Oh. But then instead of making up stuff about writing, shouldn't you pick something good?

Daria

How's this? During the day, I'm a mild-mannered student. But at night, I fight crime in a stretchy-stretchy costume.

Kevin

Cool! I didn't know that.

She doesn't really.

Kevin

But she just said.

Kevie, you're so gullible. [she drags Kevin away]

Kevin

She wears it on weekends, come on.

Jodie

You know, my mother gets Musings and their fiction is awful. I bet you'll have no trouble getting in.

Daria

Gee, thanks.

Jodie

That's not what I meant.

Daria

[sighs] I know, thanks.

Jodie

Good luck. [she exits and Ms. Barch enters]

Daria, in the name of Jane Austin, Emily Dickinson, Anne Bronte, Emily Bronte, and Charlotte Bronte, I want to say, "You go, girl!"

Jane

That's just how they would have put it.

Daria

Who told you?

Er, uh, um, nobody. It certainly didn't come up during anything other than normal in-school chitchat among colleagues. Fully dressed. With no oils involved.

Daria

Ever have one of those moments that no shower, no matter the duration nor the temperature, can ever erase?

Jane

I'm leaning toward trauma-induced amnesia myself. Punch my head, would ya?

Trent

Max, can't you look any more existential?

Existential? You said nihilistic.

I feel like I should be doing something. [after a beat, waves]

Daria

Shouldn't he have a sign that says, "Hi, Mom."

Jane

Uh, Jesse? Why don't you, um, cue the fog machine.

It's gonna blow!

Daria

Wow. Real life drama.

Jane

[pats camera] And I got every second of it.

Jane

And he wares cuff links, and drives one of those big old cars with fins. How great is that?

Daria

Do you think it's a good idea to pick up a perfect stranger while under the influence of ink well fumes? Even if he has come here from prehistoric times.

Jane

Hey, if I didn't have the nerve to pick up guys, you wouldn't have a boyfriend.

Daria

Oh great. I'm not going to have to date this guy now, am I?

Hey!

Daria

[shrugs] What'd I say?

I don't know, I hate the present too, but not enough to ware a zoot suit.

Jane

He doesn't ware a zoot suit. He's a snappy dresser in the classical-elegant sense. Plus, he has impecable manners and a biting whit.

Daria

Oh, so he's--

Jane

And he loves girls!!

Daria

Okay, he's got it all. [looks at Tom] Not like some guys.

It's true. If I really cared, I'd dress like a dead man too.

Jane

[stands up] Thanks for the encourgement, you two. Maybe sometime you can teach me how to pass judgement on someone I've never met.

Daria

She's going to be dissappointed.

Yeah. That's not really the kind of thing you can teach.

Daria

Did I tell you Tom's going away for a week?

Jane

To "the cove?"

Daria

How'd you know?

Jane

That's the only place his family ever goes. I think they're training a secret militia up there.

Daria

I wish. That's so much more exciting than them just being too damn cheap to go anywhere interesting.

Jane

Hey, how do you think old money gets old?

Daria

Anyway, he'll be up there for a family wedding, so more time for you and me to hang out.

Jane

Haven't we had this conversation before? Only I said what you're saying and you said what I'm saying?

Jake

[offscreen] Dammit, Helen, that's it! How much am I supposed to take?

Helen

[offscreen] Jake, this isn't about you. It's about her, having a little trouble fitting in.

Jake

[offscreen] She doesn't want to fit in, damn it! Why can't you admit that?!

Helen

[offscreen] Jake, she's a child, she doesn't know any better!

Jake

[offscreen] That's what she wants you to believe!

Helen

[offscreen] Where are you going?!

Jane

Daria? Come on, the neighbors are starting to talk.

Daria

Um... good. Soon they'll progress to cave drawings and civilization will be on its way. [crawls out of the box just as Quinn approaches]

Quinn

Daria! I remembered! You were right! I remembered I was three or four and it was nighttime and I woke up because Mom and Dad were fighting, and then Dad was yelling and a door slammed and then I heard a car start up and he drove away.

Daria

Thank you. I knew I wasn't imagining it. Do you remember what they were fighting about?

Quinn

Um... yeah... they were fighting about you.