Jane Lane quotes from Daria

Miss Lane, what are you doing here?

Jane

Trying out for track team.

You won't participate in regular gym class, but you want to join an extracurricular sport?

Jane

I like to run.

Okay. Let's see if you're any good at it. [leaves]

Jane

I'd particularly like to run up and down your spine wearing track spikes.

She isn't your favorite teacher?

Jane

We have a score to settle.

I'm Evan, by the way.

Jane

Jane.

So, you think you're ready for track?

Jane

Yeah. I figure if the people suck I can always wear headphones.

I'm way ahead of you.

Jane

Until we get out there.

Jane

Tell me that at least I have my integrity.

Daria

Integrity is a funny word.

Jane

Well, then, at least tell me I'm marginally less corrupt than the jocks.

Daria

You refused to participate in a crooked system where good grades are exchanged for athletic performance. But you didn't try to reform the system, either.

Jane

For fear of complete teenage exile.

Daria

Right. So the system continues, you haven't redeemed yourself, and we're ostracized anyway.

Jane

Come on, now, stop trying to paint a rosy picture.

Daria

You know what?

Jane

What?

Daria

They really are preparing us for the real world.

Daria

I'm not pierced anymore. It closed up.

Jane

You didn't take the ring out?

Daria

Just for the night. I couldn't stand the itching.

Jane

I've heard of fast healers but this is ridiculous.

Daria

Gee, maybe E.T. came in my room and touched my navel while I slept.

Jane

Boy, Daria, you have the weirdest sex dreams.

Daria

Don't tell Trent.

Jane

About E.T.?

Daria

My parents are probably starting to worry.

Jane

I know mine would be, if they were in town.

Daria

What about Trent? I'll bet he's upset.

Jane

I'll bet he's snoring.

Jane

So now what, eagle eye?

Daria

Well, I can't wear my contacts until I see the doctor again, that's for sure. And if I bang into anyone else at school I'll be arrested for assault. So I guess it's back to the glasses tomorrow.

Jane

Or we go downtown and apply for a seeing eye dog.

Daria

I tell you the truth, this whole thing's got me very confused. I want my glasses back.

Jane

Are you still hung up on that vanity thing?

Daria

That's not it. Everyone already knows I'm vain.

Jane

Oh, yeah, you're one huge narcissist. So if not that, then what?

Daria

This is kind of hard to explain. It's like, I know my glasses set me apart. When I look in the mirror without them I can't see a thing. But when I put them on and look in the mirror again, I think...

Jane

Yeah?

Daria

I think to myself, 'Never mind glasses. You can see things that other people can't. You can see better than other people. So to hell with them and what they think of you and your glasses.'

Jane

You're not talking about eyesight anymore, are you?

Daria

No.

Jane

And you like that Daria better than the Daria who cares about her looks.

Daria

Um, yeah.

Jane

I don't blame you. Why settle for vanity when you can have pure egotism? You're a twisted little cruller, ain't you?

Daria

Yeah.

Jane

That's why I'm proud to be your friend.

Daria

Let's do the math one more time. Your dance decorations were a huge hit.

Jane

Plus.

Daria

But my sister managed to take complete credit for them.

Jane

Minus.

Daria

We hung out with a couple of guys who weren't so bad.

Jane

Plus.

Daria

But they turned out to be carriers of the dreaded Ruttheimer gene.

Jane

Big minus.

Daria

So, we're more or less even on the night.

Jane

Darn. And it came so close to turning out semi-decent.

[pounds on door] Come on, you little punk, open up! Open this door, you little brat!

Tiffany

Oh, my God, let us in! Hello?

Plus!

Jane

Mrs. Morgendorffer? This is Jane, Daria's friend.

Helen

Jane, do you need an attorney? I don't do criminal work but I'll get you someone. Don't say anything to anyone until we get over there.

Jane

No, no. I'm looking for Daria.

Helen

Daria? Why are you calling here?

Jane

She told me she was going to talk to you about the way they're treating her at work.

Helen

Really?

Jane

They probably haven't let her off yet. I bet she's still in the back room, bagging nuts.

Helen

What?! In the back room? How is she going to improve her social skills there?

Jane

Yeah, that's the thing. She's the senior employee at the nut stand, and the most qualified, but for some reason her male co-worker is the one they've got behind the counter.

Helen

What?! I knew I shouldn't have trusted one of Jake's sleazy contacts. [groans in frustration]

Helen

Jane, since you're staying with us and all I thought... well, you're Daria's best friend, and she's, she's so hard to talk to these days...

Jane

Maximum of 3 questions. No betrayals. Immunity from prosecution.

Helen

Agreed. Drugs?

Jane

Nope. Unless you count TV.

Helen

Depressed?

Jane

No, just realistic.

Helen

Sex? Oh, that's too obvious. Can I have another one?

Jake

Say, uh, Jane... I know you're Daria's best friend and... well, she's so hard to talk to these days. I was wondering...

Jane

Maximum of three questions. No betrayals. Immunity from prosecution. And, uh, talk your wife into finding a new speed-walking route.

Jake

Done! Age?

Jane

17.

Jake

Uh... height?

Jane

5 foot 2.

Jake

Mm-hmm. Favorite color?

Black.

Jake

Oh, that's too obvious. Can I have another one?

Jane

Did we just see a U.F.O.?

Daria

You're getting paranoid. It's probably just an informal get-together of local stalkers. You know, hang out, swap stories, try out each other's skeleton keys.

Jane

But only an idiot would go stalking with a flashlight.

Daria

Come on. This is Lawndale.

Jane

Oh, yeah.

Kevin

So, there aren't any atomic communists?

Jane

I wouldn't say that.

Quinn

Don't say anything.

Tiffany

We're dressed this way for Fashion Club solidarity.

One of us has a problem. That's all you need to know.

Oh, dear! What kind of problem?

A private problem.

Stacy

It's a neck zit!

Quinn

Stacy!

Tiffany

Don't worry, Quinn. They still don't know it's you.

Stacy

Uh-oh.

Tiffany

Did I say the wrong thing?

Don't worry about it.

Daria

Let's find someplace we can nap in peace.

Jane

All right. But first, let's gamble all our chips away in one grand, magnificently pointless gesture.

Daria

That's the only kind of gesture I make.

[voiceover] Give away the chips.

Jane

Hey, wouldn't it be ironic if we won?

Number 8.

Daria

So much for irony.

Daria, take my chips.

Daria

Excuse me?

You know, as a thank you for making me want to kill myself a little less than the processed sausages who call themselves your classmates.

Jane

You're not one of those "young people are our greatest hope" guys, are you?

Then you take them, Jane. For being so...

Jane

Yes?

...angular.

Hello, everyone. Hope there aren't any "card sharps" here. [chuckles]

Jane

Hmm. It is tempting. Especially with Mr. O'Neill about to sit down at the poker table.

Daria

I bet he has a good poker face.

Jane

But I'd rather be sleeping. Thanks, anyway.

"Give the chips away..." "Poker face..." Aah! Poker!

Jane

I have a good feeling about this multimedia thing, teammate.

Daria

That's the nastiest name anyone's ever called me.

Jane

If we get anything above a "C" I'll get off academic probation and not have to worry about taking language arts over... and Daria Morgendorffer does not get "Cs."

Daria

Well, I could make an exception.

Jane

Come on! This is going to be fun -- you doing words, me pictures. It's exciting.

Daria

Oh, yeah. Very exciting.

Jane

I know what would make it exciting.

Daria

We do the whole thing while walking over hot coals?

Jane

How about we add a little music to the mix?

Daria

What's so exciting about that?

Jane

What's exciting is the particular musician I have in mind.

Daria

Oh, no.

Jane

Come on, Daria. Trent'll love doing some computer music. It'll satisfy the secret techno dance freak hiding beneath that cool alternative exterior.

Daria

I don't think I want to meet that techno dance freak.

Jane

Sure you do. We'll ask him at the Mystik Spiral gig tonight.

Daria

This dance freak doesn't wear spandex, does he?

Jane

I think this could really be it!

Daria

What are you talking about? Just keep walking. We'll find our way.

Jane

I don't know, Daria. This is bad.

Daria

Listen, I'm sorry I gave you all that crap about your boyfriend.

Jane

Well, I'm sorry I embarrassed you all those times in front of my brother. [pause]

Daria

I feel like we should say more.

Jane

I know. That was kind of pathetic.

Daria

Um... I'm sorry my parents didn't stop at one child.

Jane

I'm sorry they added those ugly blue M&M's. [pause] Better?

Daria

I've made my peace.

Then he said his armpits would know only the embrace of his crutches!

Jodie

What does that mean?

I don't know, but it sounds bad! Like Kevvy's armpits have feelings, but not for me, now what do I do with lips so empty, so yearning?

Jodie

Lips? So we're off the armpit thing?

Daria

You know, if you break up Brittany's attempted thought, it looks like a Mystic Spiral song.

Jane

[Reading from Daria's paper] "Armpits have feelings, but not for me. Now what do I do with lips empty?" Eh. Are you sure you don't want to replace lips with skull?

Daria

It's a work in progress.