Dan Vs. · Season 1
Elise, my ancient and sworn enemy. What a fruitous coincidence that stealing the angry little man's abominable cookies would lead me to you! Unfortunately for your friends, they know too much. Who eats cookies made without butter anyway?
Okay, come out and let us take a look.
I don't know about this. [he comes out of changing room dressed up as Dan]
Oh, come on! He doesn't look like me a all.
can you slouch a little?
And be more handsome.
I- I still don't get why I'm dressing up as Dan.
We told you, you're a Dan-decoy.
Right, but why?
To lure the ninja out of hiding. When he attacks you-
Okay, there's the part I don't like.
We can't risk me, can we? I'm precious.
Well then I'm expendable?
Let's just say non-vital, it's nicer.
No, it's not that you're expendable, Chris, it's that the next step will be for the ninja to poison Dan somehow.
And we're hoping he poisons you instead!
I keep coming back to this not liking this plan at all thing.
Look, we don't know how the ninja will try and poison Dan. Maybe his food, maybe something else, but what we do know is that ninjas calibrate their poisons very carefully and you're bigger than Dan!
Because you keep eating!
So if the ninja poisons you instead you probably won't die!
And you just said probably.
I'm almost positive.
Oh, she's almost positive, quit being a baby.
Please?
Alright.
Now act like Dan!
Sigh. Hey, I'm Dan! And I'm... angry. Very angry.
Idiot.
Dan, shh.
He's doing it wrong! I am much more suave, debonair and sophisticated than that!
Yes Dan, that's a very debonair stain you have on your shirt.
I'll have you know I have sophistication coming out the wazoo!
I get mad at everything! Then I yell a lot. And I sure don't appreciate my friend, Chris. He's a- Ow! [he is shot in the neck with a dart]
Get him! [Dan and Elise start chasing after the ninja]
Hey! C- Can I get a little help, I got this dart in my neck. Ow! [he pulls out the dart and starts hallucinating] Flying monkeys? This time of year? [he runs through family's picnic basket] Someone, call the zoo! Why must you torment me? Why can't you be satisfied with flying? Help! Someone! This is very confusing.
So I said, "They're not my radishes. You're the one with your left blinker on."
Chris?
Oh, hey, Glendale. [he passes out]
[Dan and Elise are carrying Chris to the house]
Aw, man, this guy's heavy.
Sorry.
You ever think of skipping a meal once in a while?
Quit complaining, Dan.
Oh, sure, you can say that. You've got the light end.
Chris doesn't have a light end. Hold him up so I can open the door.
No problem. Ohh! Heavy.
What's this?
What's what? [throws Chris to the bushes]
[reading a note attached to the door] "Shinobi no mono wa kanarasu katsu."
It's gibberish! The ninja's toying with us!
It's not gibberish, it's Japanese. This is a formal challenge.
Like who looks better in evening wear?
Like single combat to the death.
Oh.
A duel will settle things once and for all. If I win, the Koshugi clan will leave us alone. If I lose, I'll be dead.
I'm willing to take that risk.
Help me get Chris inside. Where's Chris?
Bushes.
Hey, Chris, open wide! Here's a nice pastrami sandwich for you. [Chris sees his own hand as the sandwich and takes a bite]
Ow! Stop it! Hey, where did Elise go?
Shut up.
Where are you going?
Out.
Can you bring me some... water?
[on the phone] I'm just so thirsty.
Sir, it is illegal to dial 911 with a nonemergency.
[still hallucinating] It feels like an emergency. Plus there's still all those flying monkeys.
Sir, unless the flying monkeys are physically attacking you--
And I've been poisoned.
Poisoned? Well, that is an emergency, sir.
Oh, good! Have them bring water.
Paramedics are on the way.
[paramedics arrive and kick open the door]
Hey, guys!
Yep. He's been poisoned, all right.
Clear! [he zaps Chris with the defibrillator]
What did you do that for? I- I just said he was poisoned!
I don't know! I panicked!
Great, rookie. Now he's poisoned and unconscious.
I said I was sorry.
You know, I don't think you did.
[Chris stumbles through the front door wearing an hospital gown]
Where have you been?
Hospital. Hey, do I smell cookies?
Mine!
Dan, let him have a cookie.
Fine. [muttering] Bet you're not so tough without that sword.
Who's this?
He's the ninja.
Aah! No more flying monkeys, please.
Former ninja. You can call me Dave.
Oh. Hi, Dave.
[on the phone] No, you shut up! Shut up! What are you, stupid? I said shut up! Okay, bye, Grandma.
[comes to Dan's apartment] Hey, Dan.
I thought you were ditching me for Elise today.
She's building a code-breaking supercomputer for the NSA.
To spy on Finland?
I don't think so.
What a waste of time.
Elise's birthday's coming up. You got that 20 bucks you owe me?
Make her buy her own present!
Yeah, that's what we did last year. You said you'd pay me back this time.
[shows Chris a teddy bear] You'll have to speak with my attorney.
Dan, this is not a legal matter. I'm not suing you. I just want my money.
[shows Chris a dental teddy bear] Well, then you'll have to speak with my accountant.
Hey, that's a cute bear. Where'd you get it?
The last time I was at the dentist's. [Chris takes the Dan's dental bear away] I had a root canal. They gave me that bear to make me stop screaming. Didn't work.
Don't you have to have your permanent teeth before they can give you a root canal?
That's what I said! But the dentist bamboozled my parents with his fancy medical jargon.
Tell you what, I'll take this bear, give it to Elise, and we'll call it even.
[grabs his bear away from Chris] No! Give it back! Let go! This bear has sentimental value!
This bear is payment of debt! [Dan and Chris pull the bear together until the bear breaks Dan's tooth] Dan, your tooth! You're going to have to go to the-
DENTIIIIIIIIIIIIST!!!
Stupid dentist! He did this on purpose! What a jerk! He'll get his!
Right now?
Of course not right now, I'm in horrible pain!
Okay, but I don't see how this is the dentist's fault.
Obviously he gave me the teddy bear because he knew this would happen!
He knew you'd break your tooth on it? How?
Don't you get it? It's part of his plot to keep me coming back!
Decades later?
He's a long-term strategist. And he's playing 4th-dimensional chess, and we're his ball of string!
I think you're mixing up games.
Go fish! I'm in horrible pain!
Well, it worked. I mean, you've got to see a dentist about your tooth.
And play into their hands?
What other option do you have?
We're going to fix it ourselves.
We? You mostly.
I can't see inside my own mouth.
I'm not a dentist.
Exactly.
So I can trust you.
Kind of.
I'm not putting my hand in your mouth. You're a biter. [he leaves but Dan stops him]
You're helping, so shut up!
Are you sure you want me to use a hot glue gun on your mouth?
For the umpteenth time, yes! You’re overthinking! How else are we gonna stick this thing back on?!
It says “Not for use on human tissue”.
Hey, Danny! Welcome back! Let's update your forms.
[walks away] It's "Dan" and I'm a grown man with grown man needs.
Hey! I'll be over here. [sits down and read a book along with a little boy until Dan shows up] She was cute.
She hates me.
Were you rude to her?
No! A little.
Only a little. Wow- that's a big step for you. You should ask her out.
Absolutely not! She's in league with the devil, a.k.a. my dentist.
[voiceover] Danny, we're ready for you now.
Call me "Danny" again and you'll be sorrier than you've ever been in your miserable worthless, tooth-scraping life.
Your son is weird.
He really is.
Unhand me, wench!
Sir, please quit struggling.
Why, so you can put me under and steal my kidneys? I'm not going to wake up in a bathtub full of ice.
Well, hello, Danny. Nice to see you again.
You!
Shall we take a looksee?
You can take a looksee at my fist, toothjacker.
Now, let's just calm down. I promise I'll only look, okay? [looks at Dan's teeth] Oh, dear. Been some time since you've been in for a visit. How'd you break your tooth?
You know darn well it was your trap bear.
Well, let's start with a simple cleaning. It won't hurt a bit, I promise.
Wait! No, no! Get away from me! [he freaks out while Chris and the kids feel embarrassed] Oh, my goodness! Ow! Help! Chris, save me!
Mama, I'm scared!
No, no, I'm sure he's fine, dear.
Oh! Please, just kill me! [the baby cries] Chris, help! I'm not going in there! [Chris goes out of the lobby to check on Dan] Oh, it burns! It burns!
How's it going?
We haven't done anything yet. Haven't even touched him!
I know what you're planning! Chris, quick! Knock him unconscious! [the receptionist covers his mouth] Hey, wanna go to a movie with me?
Was he like that last time?
He was smaller.
Well, that was one of the worst experiences in my lifetime of bad experiences. You were unconscious for most of it.
I had nightmares the whole time. It was horrible, I dreamt I was at the dentist's office getting my teeth fixed.
At least your tooth is fixed. Oh, before I forget, the hygienist said you have to come back next week.
What?
Yeah, apparently you have a cavity they couldn't fill before the gas wore off.
Oh! Now do you see what the dentist does?
Fix teeth? He fixes teeth, Dan.
Every time he fixes something, he breaks something else, like a crooked auto mechanic. It's how he keeps people coming back.
You haven't been back since you learned to tie your shoes.
And now twice in 1 week! Don't you think that's suspicious?
Not really.
Well, it is! And I'm gonna get him for it!
Oh, what's your plan?
We're gonna kidnap the dentist. Then you're gonna hold him down while I drill a hole in his face!
Wow, I am so not okay with that.
Oh, come on. You said you'd help.
Look, I'm watching a movie with Elise in, like, an hour. Can I drop you off at home?
Quisling.
If I knew what that meant, would I be offended?
Probably.
[Dan and Chris confront Dr. Pullum]
Stop right there, madman!
Try a little Novocain! [he shocks Chris]
Oh, no, I'm going numb.
Now you're gonna get it!
Not likely, I'm afraid. I call this the excruciator! [he shocks Dan] Did you really think you could stop me with brute force? I had a feeling about you, Danny.
It's Dan. I'm a grown man with a grown man's needs.
While you were under sedation, I put a device in your dental implant. I can cause you excruciating agony any time I want.
You jerk!
Whoo-hoo! It's one of my many inventions. I believe you're familiar with my enamel-seeking teddy bear. At any rate, I built this base as a test facility for my latest project. You see, I want even more than to just cause pain to countless children.
Chris, get up!
I can't, I'm all floppy.
My new device, built as the heart of this fortress, will allow me to control the mind of anyone who's ever had a filling, crown, root canal, or bridge! It will be finished tomorrow, and then I shall rule the WORLD! [evilly laughs] And now our little game has come to an end. For what's it worth, you were the only one to figure me out. It's a shame I must destroy you now. Goodbye, Danny!
The name is Dan! [he throws his dental teddy bear to break Dr. Pullum's teeth which causes Dr. Pullum to whine, he then steps on the remote and crushes it] Ha! Brought low by your own nefarious device!
My teeth! My beautiful teeth! [his teeth breaks as Dan hits the emergency button] No!
Self-destruct activated. 20, 19, 18, 17, 16, 15, 14, 13, 12, 11, 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.
[while the machine countdowns to destruction, Dr. Pullum quickly leaves while Dan grabs Chris' feet as the two head out]
Ow, ooh, ow!
You're so heavy.
Sorry.
Have a nice day, goodbye.
[Dr. Pullum's hideout explodes thanks to Dan]
[satisfied] Now that's what I call tooth decay!
Ha.
[after he was defeated by Dan and Chris] All my work, for nothing! DAN!!!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Dan Vs. pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
