Dan Vs. · Season 1
[Dan tries to call Chris in the middle of the night]
Hey, it's Chris. Leave a message. [beep]
HOW DARE YOU LET YOUR MACHINE PICK UP!? YOU ARE SCUM! YOU'RE WORTHLESS, SPINELESS, ROTTEN TO THE CORE - THAT'S IT! WE ARE NO LONGER FRIENDS. I HATE YOU! WE ARE DONE - IF YOU EVER TRY TO SPEAK TO ME AGAIN, I WILL LITERALLY STRANGLE YOU!! [beat] Come over when you get this. ...it's Dan.
[Dan is in the kitchen making meatloaf]
That's Chris' knock. Sounds like he clipped his nails this morning. [Chris arrives] Finally.
I came as soon as I got your message. Hey, do I smell meat loaf?
Got my message? Why was your phone off?
Well, my doctor says I'd sleep more if I didn't take your calls in the middle of the night.
This is not okay. You never turn your phone off ever again. Promise me.
So what do you need me for?
Promise me!
I promise. Why am I here?
Vengeance. They built an animal shelter across the street.
Another one?
What do you mean another one?
Well, Manfrangensen Animal Shelter's been there since before you moved in. It's an historic landmark. I'm sure we've talked about this before.
What was that? I wasn't listening.
What's the problem, Dan?
Well, they won't let me sleep.
[eating Dan's meatloaf] Who's that?
Would you start paying attention? The howling beasts. But they'll get theirs.
[eating Dan's meatloaf] How?
You'll distract the incompetent at the counter. I'll sneak the poison into the kennel.
Wait. Wait, are you planning to poison abandoned animals?
I mean, kind of.
No!
Why not? They're just gonna go to sleep forever.
Dan, these are innocent creatures that have been abandoned by an uncaring society.
What if I just poison the guy who works there?
That would be murder.
But it's for a good cause. I can release the animals, and they can run free.
I don't think that will sway the jury.
So I just wasted my whole day making this poison meat loaf? [Chris eats all of Dan's poisoned meatloaf] Oh, no.
Dan? Have I been poisoned? Dan?
Have you been eating my poisoned meatloaf?
Do you have more than one meatloaf?
Who has more than one meatloaf!?
[spins around] Oh no! Oh no!
Maybe you should go ahead and sit down.
I'm feeling pretty light-headed.
Yeah. You've been poisoned. Seriously, you should sit down.
I think I'm going to faint.
Fall this way. I'll catch you. [Chris faints after eating the poisoned meatloaf] You really should have sat down. [grabs Chris] What are you, made of sand? Well, I'm not paying for an ambulance.
[Dan is having a phone call with Elise]
[at home] Hello?
It's Dan. I've got some good news and some bad news.
Is Chris with you?
Chris isn't really with us anymore. He's dead.
WHAT?
Well, not dead, but poisoned.
POISONED?!
But the hospital thinks he has a broken arm.
You're not making any sense!
Yes, I really should have planned out what I'd say before I called you.
Is Chris okay?
No, he's dead. I mean, no, he's not.
Where are you?
I'm at a pay phone.
And where is Chris?
I don't know. They took him. Down the hall somewhere, I think.
[pops the stress toy and angrily panics quietly] Are you at the hospital?
Of course! What have I been saying this whole time?
[angrily] I'll be there in 5 minutes, and I am not happy!
Like I am? [ends the phone call]
[Dan and Elise are at a room at the hospital with Chris]
Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.
Say beep one more time.
Beep?
[punches Dan] Be serious! He still hasn't woken up!
Oh, he's fine. They said they got most of the poison out. He's in a better place now.
Better place? He's in a hospital. This is pretty much the worst place you can be!
I would think shark tank.
Dan!
Well, whose fault is this anyway?
Yours!
No way. Listen, if you walk into somebody's house and you see a meat loaf on the counter, do you just dig right in? He didn't even ask.
You know Chris is on the see-food diet.
That's no excuse for monkey wrenching my plans. Also, meatloaf isn't seafood. [pause] Oh, seafood. I get it. It's a good thing you still have a sense of humor even though Chris is dead. Dying. Poisoned. Whatever. He's fine.
I am going to get some tea. DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING! [leaves]
Finally. Do you want to tag along on my revenge? Yes, I do. Do you want to pay for everything with your credit cards? I don't know. Oh, come on. We'll have a blast. Well, all right. Can I get a milk shake later? Of course you can, buddy. [he steals a patient's clothes and puts it on Chris] This is the 3rd most uncomfortable thing I've had to do all week. [cut to him with Chris in a wheelchair] Doctor.
Doctor.
[Dan takes a prisoned Chris to Wally's Hardware Emporium and Explosives where he goes around the store with Chris on a dolly picking up a pack of dynamites]
[imitating Chris] Well, hello there. My name is Chris. I would like to purchase these here items.
My. That's a lot of dynamite.
[imitating Chris] I got some 'sploding to do.
[laughs] Okay, that will be $3700.
[imitating Chris] Why, I do believe I'll pay with my credit card. [normal voice] Let me get that for you, buddy.
I'm going to need to see some ID with that.
[shows Chris' ID to the cashier] Why don't you ring yourself up a 30% tip!
Thank you, sir.
[imitating Chris] And thanks for your help there, my good fellow! [runs out to the car with Chris in normal voice] Don't worry, buddy. Your money didn't go to waste. Thanks again for bankrolling my sweet, sweet revenge! Stupid homeless animals. Uh-oh. Looks like there's no room for you in the car. [imitating Chris] Hey, that's okay. I don't mind. Just stick me through the sunroof. You sure you don't mind? "l don't mind a bit, but can we stop for milk shakes now? Let's get you that milk shake. Thanks, Dan. You're the best.
[Dan arrives at Burgerphile with a poisoned Chris]
Welcome to Burgerphile, home of the world-famous burger bowl.
World-famous? Whatever you say, sweetness. Get me a plain burger, small cola, and a milkshake for my friend here. That's a plain burger, no cheese. I'm lactose-intolerant. You put cheese on my burger, I will die, You put cheese on my burger, I will die, but not before I burn this place to the ground!
That'll be $2.98, sir.
Keep the change, pumpkin. You're okay, buddy. [at the table] Ketchup, the one true condiment. Here's your milk shake, slugger. "Thanks, Dan. You're my best friend." I know. "l love you." Um I feel somewhat warmly towards you, but to be honest, this conversation's making me uncomfortable. [his phone rings] Thank goodness. It's Elise. I'll get it. Yello.
Where have you taken Chris? Somebody stole him from the hospital.
And you just assume it was me.
I saw the security tapes! You also took our car!
Possession is 9-10ths of the law, I'll have you know. Technically Chris is mine now.
Bring him back to the hospital this instant! He needs medical care!
Bring him back? Why? We're having a great time. Sure, he's a little pale and his breathing's shallow, but he's fine. Plus he's going to help me blow up-- I mean, run some errands. I can drop him off when we're done.
Bring him back now, Dan!
What's that? You're breaking up! Crackle! Crackle! Buzz!
You're not even making the noises. You're just saying crackle and buzz.
Crackle! Buzz! [hangs up the phone] Revenge is hard enough without these stupid distractions. [when Dan's phone rings again, he throws it off, and drinks Chris' milkshake] Oh, no. [shocked] Chris, why did you let me drink your milk shake? [he goes out of Burgerphile with Chris tied in a dolly] I've got to get to my medicine. Come on. [he feels pain in his stomach as Chris rolls off] Curse you, Burgerphile! You're going on the list.
[arrives at his apartment with Chris in a dolly] Medicine. Need my medicine. Man. I need to vacuum. Of course. Stay here. I'm going to run to the drugstore.
[hits the door on Dan as she arrives to pick him up from Dan's apartment] Oh, Chris. [angrily] Dan! You have 3 seconds to explain yourself!
We got dynamite. Okay, just don't jostle me or anything. My guts are killing me. [Elise punches him] Ohh! My guts. [Elise takes Chris out while he is on the floor] Hello, floor. You and I are going to be spending some time together. Ah, yes. Great. More barking. There's the icing on my awfulness cake.
[at the end, Dan is at a room with a doctor at the hospital]
Okay, let's get those pants off.
Um, I'm here about my face being all scratched.
[chuckles] Oh, don't worry. I'm not a doctor.
[goes on a walk with comic books on his hand] Grab bags, what a scam. They lure you in with something you like. Hmm. Something with an uplifting message. What is this? Nothing but a hockey almanac, "The Maple Pals," "Sgt. Saskatchewan"! This is the worst comic book ever. No dark side, no inner rage. He doesn't even have any enemies, and politeness is not a superpower. So many maple leaves.
Can I talk to you for a minute, sir?
It's "may I," and no.
We need your help to save the Canadian geese.
I don't even like American geese. One time, a goose bit me and stole my sandwich.
I'm sure that's not true.
Don't you impugn me, you goose smoocher. I say it bit me! like this! Ohh! Ooh! And this. [the man leaves and falls on syrup] Ugh. Sticky. Maple syrup? [picks up the maple syrup jar] Who's responsible for this? CANADA!
[Dan is at home and makes a phone call to Chris while he's at the park with Elise]
Hello.
I'M COVERED IN SYRUP!
Who is this?
Get over here right now. We're going to war with Canada. [falls to the floor sticky as a split screen closes]
What's going on with Dan? Did he say something about syrup?
Yes. He's covered in it. Now he wants revenge on Canada.
Oh, that Dan.
Always covered in something.
So do we have a plan?
Of course. We go to Canada and make them pay for what they did to me.
That's not really a plan so much as a goal.
Fine. You want a plan? Here you go. Step 1, we go to Canada. Step 2, we make them pay for what they did to me!
Now it's a checklist.
Would you focus? Here's what I know about Canada. England and France had a baby out of wedlock, and that baby was Canada. Now, as for Canadians. [tells a story of a bear drinking a bottle] First, they drink maple syrup directly out of the bottle. Second, most Canadians are at least half bear.
I don't think they're actually half bear, Dan.
What do you know about it?
A little bit, actually.
Okay, Prime Minister. You tell me.
Canadians thrive in cold climates. They live in the shadow of a massive glacier, blissfully unaware of the horrific fate that would befall them should the glacier ever collapse.
Good. That's good. Maybe we can use that.
What else? You could put a Canadian in a lineup with a bunch of normal people, and you wouldn't be able to tell. You have to wait until they drop "eh" or an "aboot" or- This is a good one. They say, "Sory."
You're right. Normal people never apologize.
No, it's not that. They say, "Sory," to rhyme with "story." We say, "Sorry."
What does that rhyme with?
Mata Hari?
Wait. How do you know so much about Canadians, anyway?
Nothing. I just, you know- no reason.
What are you hiding from me?
I'm 1/16 Canadian.
And you never told me?
It's not my fault. My great-great-grandfather came from Ottawa.
Are you trying to sabotage my mission?
No! I'm as disgusted by Canada as the next person, honest.
Prove it.
I can't prove it. You're going to have to trust me.
And if I don't?
Then you can get to Canada on your own.
I don't even know where Canada is.
It's north. You can't miss it.
Figures you'd know that. I suppose if you're you're still if you're 1/16th Canadian, you're still 10/16ths normal person.
You're being ridiculous, and your math doesn't even add up. I mean, what do you think the other 5/16 are?
Goo.
[Dan and Chris arrive at Quebec as they read the stop sign]
Wait a minute.
Look. They spelled stop wrong. Canadians.
It's French. I think we're in Quebec.
What? I hate Quebec. I hate it! I hate it! I hate it! [hits the stop sign] I hate it! Whoa. What's this? Hmm. I'm beginning to like their style.
[Dan and Chris were thrown out by the French organization]
Would you get up? We're on a mission.
You landed on my kidneys.
You, you, you. What about me? What about my kidneys? Stay focused. We need to find that map.
All right. Where to now?
The Geological Society of Canada.
Where's that?
No idea.
Is there such a thing?
No idea.
[Dan and Chris are at a hospital after getting hurt by the security guards]
Don't you find it weird that the bristles hurt more than the stick?
At least they were nice enough to drop us off at the hospital after they beat us. Canadians are polite. Violent, but polite.
We should get out of here before they bring us a bill for millions of dollars.
They have socialized medicine up here, Dan. They're not gonna charge us.
Oh! I can't believe what I'm hearing. Don't take their side.
Sorry.
Did you just say, "Sory"?
Huh? No. No. You're hearing things.
You did. You said, "Sory."
I did not.
I've had my doubts about you from the beginning. You've been sabotaging me this whole time, you big, dumb caribou!
I've been helping you, you ungrateful hoser.
Hoser? I knew it. You are half bear. And I don't need you. Get out.
Fine.
Fine.
Good luck getting home.
Good luck being stupid.
Well, good luck. You're stupid. [he opens the door while he and Dan give themselves serious looks, then Dan finds a map while he hears an announcement] You're holding it upside down.
I know that! [turns the map normal]
Wait a minute. What's this?
[yelling] I don't know! I can't read maps! [crumbles the map]
I've got it. What? You want to destroy Canada, follow me.
I'm taking this stethoscope.
[at the end, Dan and Chris end up getting sick after they came home from Canada during an avalanche]
[checks Chris' temp] Oh, 102.
[on the phone, sick] Chris, get over here. Make me some soup.
Who's that? [hangs up]
Telemarketer. I'm going to get you some more tea.
[after Chris hung up on him] Chicken noodle. Maybe some beef broth. Hello?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Dan Vs. pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
