TV show quotes
How come you didn't tell us that I was eating a black penis, the other night?
You mean the cake? Well, I told you it was a black "log" cake.
Yeah, still, I was eating a black penis and you didn't mention it.
Well, eating a black penis is not appetizing to everybody.
Next time your gonna do something like that, tell me, okay? I think that's unfair.
Why did you take the balls home?
I didn't know they were balls.
Where've you been?
I was eating some penis.
What do you mean "what kind of cum"? Cum's cum.
Cum is not cum.
Cum's cum.
It couldn't have been mine, you know why? Cuz I gets mine, Larry. I brings the ruckus to the ladies.
Okay, so you're denying this, is that it?
First of all, look around this place, man. Is there any visuals here to jack off to? All we have is basic cable right? What am I gonna do, jack off to Andy Griffith?
Yeah, that's how I do it, baby, ha ha ha. Joe Pepitone up in this motherfucker.
Hey! Funkhouser! My God, I can't believe it. You're out? What are you- what are you doing?
Well, uh... this helps my emotions. Jogging's the best thing for me.
So, mourners- mourners exercise? I didn't know that.
I don't know if mourners exercise. It's just good for me.
Interesting. I'm gonna remember that next time I lose a close member of my family.
Yeah. Jogging. Helps everything.
By the way, I called your house. I left a condolence message. I never got a return call.
Well, I had a few things on my mind.
Yeah, still...it's a little discourteous.
Let me explain something to you.
Sure.
I lost my dad a year ago. My mother just died. I'm an orphan, okay?
You're a what?
I'm an orphan.
Orphan?
Yeah, an orphan!
You're a little too old to be an orphan.
No, if you don't have parents you're an orphan.
You could be 70 and be an orphan?
You could be 100 and be an orphan!
You can't be 100 and be an orphan.
Yeah, you can!
Okay. Little Orphan Funkhouser.
Let me ask you something-
One of the things that bothers me a lot in life, is when ice cream drips down the side of a cone. Doesn't that bother you? That's why you have to be very vigilant when you're eating ice cream cones. Look, there's a little drip. Get it! Oh, another drip! Got it!
Are you coming to the funeral?
Of course I'm coming to the funeral.
Okay, I'm gonna give you the $50 I owe you for the golf bet.
Oh my God!
Hold this.
$50- I forgot all about it, the $50.
Yeah.
Great! What are you doing?
Taking off my shoe. I got money in the shoe.
What?!
There you go.
Ugh!
Take the $50!
No, I don't want it.
Take the $50!
I'd really rather not. I don't want that 50 from your sweaty...
Take the 50 bucks.
disgusting sock and sneaker.
This is the payoff.
That's- I don't want that 50. Give me a clean 50.
This is the 50 I have.
I'm not touching that 50. I don't want it.
Take the 50.
No!
Then I'm not paying you!
What?
I'm not paying you. This is the $50.
You owe me $50! What if-
This is $50! It's perfectly fine. See? $50.
All right, this is bullshit.
Take it.
Hold it out. Hold it out, fold it up. Fold it- that's it, okay. Put it in my pocket. Yeah, okay. Put it in there. Thank you.
An employee is told that the customer's always right and, in fact, the customer is usually a moron and an asshole.
Hey!
Why did you leave that stupid message on my answering machine?
What?
I don't want to hear about the money anymore.
Yeah. No one will take this money. I couldn't give it to a bum.
Listen to me. I don't care about the money. Someone stole flowers that were marking the spot where my mother was hit in her wheelchair.
Really?
Yes. I'm not a violent person. But if I find this guy, I don't know what I'm gonna do to him.
Hmm.
I can't believe that a human being would do that.
How would you even know the flowers are missing?
I keep track of it. I drive by there 10 times a day.
Okay, you know what? You should go home now. Don't worry about the 50. I don't even care about it anymore. You know-
What is that I smell?
What? There's no smell. What do you mean?
That's a white lily.
I don't even know what- what- a white lily?
I know a white lily.
Huh?
I've got a good sense of smell.
What are you doing? Where are you going?
There they are. I knew it!
Hi, Marty.
Hi, how are you, Cheryl? Boy, those are beautiful.
Thank you.
Where'd you get 'em?
Larry just brought 'em home for me.
Where'd you get the flowers?
Um... where'd I get those? Oh, Ventura Boulevard.
What store?
What was it? Uh...
Where can I find a vase?
Did you take the flowers at my mother's site?
What?
What?
They wouldn't take the 50 at the flower store!
How could you do that?!
Why? There are so many of them. Because I didn't know it was such a big-
So many of them?!
Is that such a bad thing?
They're not there to pick! You are the lowest of the low.
I cannot believe you.
I have never heard anything like that in my life.
How many flowers does she need?
You took flowers from Marty's mother?
Are these from a graveyard?
Not a graveyard. It's a roadside memorial. It's not such a- come on!
How could you do this? And you know what? I am missing one! Where's the third bunch? There were three bouquets.
I-I- I know where it is.
He will get you that bouquet.
I feel sorry for you. If you weren't my best friend, I would take my bare hands and pop your head off your neck.
He's not my best friend.
You better get those flowers!
You can put my colon up next to your colon; we'll see who has a cleaner, healthier colon.
I will have a colon contest anytime you want.
[reading the freak book] Ah! What a freak!! Hahahaha.
You'll go in, he'll be up there, you're down here. Right? He's on top, he's asking you the questions. Then all of a sudden the interview starts, he asks you some questions, you answer some questions ... then you start asking him the questions, and you flip it. Now he's trying to impress you.
Turn that shit around on him.
Turn it around on him.
Topsy-turvy that motherfucker.
- Can I give you a little tip, huh? - Let's do it.
You're gonna go in. He'll be up here, okay? You're down here, right? He's on top.
- He's asking you the questions.
- Uh-huh.
Then all of a sudden the interview starts. He asks some questions, you answer some questions.
Then you start asking him the questions, and you flip it.
Now he's trying to impress you.
You mean the dizzle one, right?
What?
I'm not wearing no-fly underwear.
You gotta do it. You got long balls, Larry. Long balls, you've got long ass balls.
I've got long balls?
Doctor, you said he's got long balls, right?
Would you say I have unusually long..
They're a bit more distended than the average testicles.
You got long ass balls, Larry. "Long Ball Larry", that's your new name.
Long balls..who would've known.
Long balls, change your draws.
[Auntie Rae] went over the appropriate amount of time that I can have human contact without getting aroused. I only have five seconds. After that, it's out of my control.
Not me. I've got discipline down there. I have a very discerning penis—very discerning.
My penis is an animal.
Really? Just out of control. It's wild.
It's a feral tiger, yeah.
What did you say? What did you just say?! What did you just FIX YOUR MOUTH TO SAY?!
No, no...
You just used THE MOST VILE WORD IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE! HOW DARE YOU?!
No, I was...
IN FRONT OF ME?! YOU ARE DESPICABLE! I CAN'T STAND PEOPLE LIKE YOU! YOU BALD SON OF A BITCH!!!! I HAVE TO FACE THIS KIND OF WRETCHED FOOLISHNESS!
[looks in a mirror and realizes he is bald] OH, MY GOD! NO!! NO!!!
[rushes in] What?!
OH, MY GOD!!!! LOOK AT ME!
What the hell happened to you?!
What happened?!
What happened, Nurse?!
Dr. Page accidentally shaved Mr. Green's head...
Shaved my head?!
Wait a minute. "Accidentally"?
He operated my head?
No, the procedure was cancelled. The operation is going to be... rescheduled.
So he didn't have the surgery?!
No.
Oh, you look horrible! Jeff!
[enters the room] Nurse, would you please excuse us? [the nurse leaves the room]
Doctor, what the hell happened?! Look at him!
What happened?! What happened?!
Mr. and Mrs. Green, I am so sorry. I was coming to see you in the operating room, and I had just been victimized by a terrible incident in the cafeteria. And so I came to the operating room, and I was so angered, and I was upset, and I was confused, and I mistakenly shaved your head, for which I'm so sorry.
A mistake is correct! You took it out on his head?!
Well, I can explain. I'm leaving the cafeteria, and I'm walking past a table, and this horrible man uses the most vile word in the English language to refer to a black person, and I went into a blind rage, and I left there, and I went to the operating room, and made this terrible mistake, for which I'm so sorry.
Do you know who this man was?
I have no idea who he was. He was just a despicable bald man.
Bald?
Yes.
Did he, by any chance, wear glasses?
Yes... As a matter of fact, he was wearing glasses. And it was awful. It was just absolutely awful.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Curb Your Enthusiasm pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
