Curb Your Enthusiasm Season 7 quotes

Larry

I'd rather have the thieves than the neighbors - the thieves don't impose. Thieves just want your things, neighbors want your time.

Larry

You can't make an empty gesture to a Funkhouser. They take you up on it!

Larry

Can I tell you something about apricots? ... 1 in 30 is a good one. It's such a low percentage fruit.

Larry

I'm going to dinner with Jeff and Susie and Richard Lewis and his new girlfriend, if you want to come along.

Loretta

Any black people gonna be there?

Larry

No.

Loretta

Then why would I want to go?

Larry

...Might be some people with cancer?

Larry

You're nothing without your health. Some people are nothing even with their health. I fall in that category, sometimes.

Larry

We're fighting because you're a moron. That's why we're fighting.

Larry

Remember I was sitting here yesterday?

Yeah.

Larry

Do you mind telling me how much tip the guy I was with left you?

Oh..we don't do that.

Larry

You don't do what?

We don't share that information with the customers.

Larry

Honestly, who gives a crap? I was in here, I was with a guy, I'm just curious. What did he leave?

It was a healthy, healthy tip.

Larry

Was mine a healthy tip?

Yeah.

Larry

Was his healthier?

I...

Larry

Let me ask you this question. Was it over twelve dollars?

Do..do you want me to refill your water or..

Larry

Just scratch your face with your finger if it was over twelve dollars.

I can really get in trouble if I talk to you about that.

Larry

Nobody even knows what we're talking about. Scratch your face with your finger if it was over twelve dollars. Go ahead, just scratch it. Was it over twelve dollars?

Larry

Oh, for God's sake. What an asshole! Let me ask you a question. Was it over fifteen dollars? Just tug on your tie up here. Was it over fifteen?

This is making me really uncomfortable.

Larry

Nobody's even knows what we're talking about! Was it over fifteen dollars? Tug on your tie.

Larry

Oh, my fucking..fuck!

Larry

I'm not kidding, the food was awful. Terrible. Honestly, I can't believe you recommended that.

Well, I liked the ossobuco.

Larry

Didn't taste like ossobuco to me. It was bad ossobuco.

Larry

[in reference to the Fowler's adopted child from China] Let me ask you this question, have you noticed if she has any proclivity for chopsticks?

Why?

Why would she have a proclivity for chopsticks, Larry?

Larry

Well, she's Chinese.

Do you think she's also a Kung Fu master?

Larry

No, all I'm wondering is this, if you took an American kid who's never used chopsticks before and a Chinese kid who's never used chopsticks before, would the Chinese kid do better?

So the American kid is the control group?

Okay, you know what, she uses a fork.

Larry

Do me a favor.

What?

Larry

First time she uses chopsticks, gimme a call me and just let me know. Gimme a call and just say "Hey, you know what? You wouldn't believe it.."

You're gonna love this. It is the best piece of pie you've ever had.

Larry

Honestly, you know, I'm not eating dessert anymore.

Just have one bite. Come on.

Larry

I'm not in the mood, Ted. I don't want it. Thank you, it's a nice gesture but I'm not in the mood.

You're making me look like an asshole.

Larry

I had the option of ordering dessert and I didn't want the dessert at the time so I don't want the dessert.

Just have one little bite for my sake, please.

Larry

I don't care. I don't want it for your sake.

Be a friend, be a fucking friend, will you!

Larry

I'm being a friend but I don't have to take a bite just because you want me to! Okay?

Have a bite of the pie!

[starts to take the pie away] You know, I'm just gonna get this out of the way for you..

Larry

I don't want the pie! Thank you.

No, no. Put the pie down. Put the pie down.

Larry

No, don't. Here, take it. Thank you.

Don't pick up that pie. Put the pie down.

Larry

I'm not taking a bite, I don't want a bite! Take this fucking piece of pie and get it out of my face!

Put that fucking pie down!

Larry

Don't put that pie down! Do not put that pie down!

Jeff, let's take a walk.

Jeff

Eh, I'm comfortable.

Come on, it's gorgeous! Perfect walking weather. It's good for you.

Jeff

Nah, I don't want to. I'm not in the mood.

Please?

Jeff

No, I'm fine.

Get up off your fat ass and let's take a walk! It'll be romantic!

Leon

Denise called.

Larry

What'd she say?

Leon

Give her a call.

Larry

She leave her number?

Leon

Nah.

Larry

Damn it! I don't have her number or her address.

Leon

Call information.

Larry

I don't know her last name. She was in my BlackBerry under "Denise handicapped". That's how I remember these names. Don't you do that in your Blackberry? You put names down with jobs, some association, so you remember who they are? I got "Sean yoga", the yoga teacher, and "Teresa masseuse".

Leon

I do the same thing. I got "Nancy big tits". I know Nancy got big ass tits. "Janelle sweet ass"..

Larry

Fruit's good.

Jeff

Yeah.

Larry

Delicious, isn't it?

Marty

How can you talk about the food? I wanna throw up. We should get out of here.

Yes, let's get out of here.

Larry

Oh, that's a wonderful idea.

Marty

I want to get out of here now.

Larry

Let me explain something to you, moron, okay? Swan killers leave. People who aren't swan killers stay, have a little lunch, enjoy themselves, socialize, get to know the members. There's nothing wrong. Get it?

Marty

Guess what, I'm not a swan killer, okay?

Larry

Hey, let me remind you of something, asshole. You're talking way too loud about swan killing in the dining room. Why is that so hard to understand?

Marty

How many rules are you gonna break? You're not suppose to have your phone on, it's always ringing. You killed a swan!

Larry

Keep your fucking voice down!

Marty

You killed a swan!

Larry

[raises butter knife] Shut up! Shut up!

Why did I order turkey? I should've just had the eggs and onions. I know they're good here.

Marty

Will you do me a favor and shut up about your food.

Larry

Yeah, he's right. All you're doing is complaining about your food. I told you to get the fruit. It's delicious.

I had the fruit this morning. Why am I going to order it twice for?

Larry

You could have fruit twice in one day.

No you can't, you get the acid reflux and it'll rip a hole in your stomach.

Larry

They have non-acidic fruit. You got papaya and mango and banana!

Larry

I'm Larry David. I happen to enjoy wearing women's panties.