Curb Your Enthusiasm quotes

Jeff

[just snubbed due to his baldness] This blows. How do you deal with it?

Larry

Well, you know, you just get used to it. I get support from my bald brothers.

Jeff

There's, like, meetings?

Larry

What are you doing? You're supposed to be walking.

Marty

I raise money; I don't walk.

Larry

You didn't tell me you were sitting, I wouldn't have given you money in the first place.

Marty

I didn't say I was walking.

Larry

Well, the walking is implied, is it not?

Marty

Don't you care about Alzheimer's?

Hey, Larry, do you still have that tickling in your anus? I cannot get you an appointment for two weeks.

Larry

What?

Are you experiencing discomfort?

Larry

What is she talking about? [to secretary] What are you talking about? Where'd you get that from?

It's nothing to joke around about. Who are you trying to make an appointment with?

Rosenberg.

Rosenberg's a good man. I got a better one. Pencil. Call this man: Doctor J. Whitney. My wife's cousin, Kai, she runs the office.

Larry

Oh, she does?

She can open all the doors, not just the back one. You know what I mean? Seriously, she can get you in today and you don't have to think about it again. Why not?

Larry

That's nice of you but there's really nothing wrong with me. I mean-why not-"I have a tickling in my anus". I don't have a tickle--[to secretary] Are you fucking crazy?! Huh?! Tickle in my anus? Where did that-why'd you say that!? I don't have a tickle! Who said that?!

I gotta go, I gotta go.

Look, I think I gave you the wrong impression. Larry's anus is fine-

Larry

Shut the fuck up, okay?! SHUT THE FUCK UP!

Loretta

[to Susie] Who the fuck you think you talkin' to?! Nobody be talkin' to my man like that! You betta get yo ass out of this house! Fucken Bitch!

Leon

Mofy Dick, that's what he is.

- Moby Dick.

Leon

- No, Moqy Dick.

- No, it's called Moby Dick.

"Moby Dick" is you know the book by Melville.

Larry

I'd rather have the thieves than the neighbors - the thieves don't impose. Thieves just want your things, neighbors want your time.

Larry

You can't make an empty gesture to a Funkhouser. They take you up on it!

Larry

Can I tell you something about apricots? ... 1 in 30 is a good one. It's such a low percentage fruit.

Larry

I'm going to dinner with Jeff and Susie and Richard Lewis and his new girlfriend, if you want to come along.

Loretta

Any black people gonna be there?

Larry

No.

Loretta

Then why would I want to go?

Larry

...Might be some people with cancer?

Larry

You're nothing without your health. Some people are nothing even with their health. I fall in that category, sometimes.

Larry

We're fighting because you're a moron. That's why we're fighting.

Larry

Remember I was sitting here yesterday?

Yeah.

Larry

Do you mind telling me how much tip the guy I was with left you?

Oh..we don't do that.

Larry

You don't do what?

We don't share that information with the customers.

Larry

Honestly, who gives a crap? I was in here, I was with a guy, I'm just curious. What did he leave?

It was a healthy, healthy tip.

Larry

Was mine a healthy tip?

Yeah.

Larry

Was his healthier?

I...

Larry

Let me ask you this question. Was it over twelve dollars?

Do..do you want me to refill your water or..

Larry

Just scratch your face with your finger if it was over twelve dollars.

I can really get in trouble if I talk to you about that.

Larry

Nobody even knows what we're talking about. Scratch your face with your finger if it was over twelve dollars. Go ahead, just scratch it. Was it over twelve dollars?

Larry

Oh, for God's sake. What an asshole! Let me ask you a question. Was it over fifteen dollars? Just tug on your tie up here. Was it over fifteen?

This is making me really uncomfortable.

Larry

Nobody's even knows what we're talking about! Was it over fifteen dollars? Tug on your tie.

Larry

Oh, my fucking..fuck!

Larry

I'm not kidding, the food was awful. Terrible. Honestly, I can't believe you recommended that.

Well, I liked the ossobuco.

Larry

Didn't taste like ossobuco to me. It was bad ossobuco.

Larry

[in reference to the Fowler's adopted child from China] Let me ask you this question, have you noticed if she has any proclivity for chopsticks?

Why?

Why would she have a proclivity for chopsticks, Larry?

Larry

Well, she's Chinese.

Do you think she's also a Kung Fu master?

Larry

No, all I'm wondering is this, if you took an American kid who's never used chopsticks before and a Chinese kid who's never used chopsticks before, would the Chinese kid do better?

So the American kid is the control group?

Okay, you know what, she uses a fork.

Larry

Do me a favor.

What?

Larry

First time she uses chopsticks, gimme a call me and just let me know. Gimme a call and just say "Hey, you know what? You wouldn't believe it.."

You're gonna love this. It is the best piece of pie you've ever had.

Larry

Honestly, you know, I'm not eating dessert anymore.

Just have one bite. Come on.

Larry

I'm not in the mood, Ted. I don't want it. Thank you, it's a nice gesture but I'm not in the mood.

You're making me look like an asshole.

Larry

I had the option of ordering dessert and I didn't want the dessert at the time so I don't want the dessert.

Just have one little bite for my sake, please.

Larry

I don't care. I don't want it for your sake.

Be a friend, be a fucking friend, will you!

Larry

I'm being a friend but I don't have to take a bite just because you want me to! Okay?

Have a bite of the pie!

[starts to take the pie away] You know, I'm just gonna get this out of the way for you..

Larry

I don't want the pie! Thank you.

No, no. Put the pie down. Put the pie down.

Larry

No, don't. Here, take it. Thank you.

Don't pick up that pie. Put the pie down.

Larry

I'm not taking a bite, I don't want a bite! Take this fucking piece of pie and get it out of my face!

Put that fucking pie down!

Larry

Don't put that pie down! Do not put that pie down!