“The Ida Funkhouser Roadside Memorial” quotes from Curb Your Enthusiasm

Larry

Hey! Funkhouser! My God, I can't believe it. You're out? What are you- what are you doing?

Well, uh... this helps my emotions. Jogging's the best thing for me.

Larry

So, mourners- mourners exercise? I didn't know that.

I don't know if mourners exercise. It's just good for me.

Larry

Interesting. I'm gonna remember that next time I lose a close member of my family.

Yeah. Jogging. Helps everything.

Larry

By the way, I called your house. I left a condolence message. I never got a return call.

Well, I had a few things on my mind.

Larry

Yeah, still...it's a little discourteous.

Let me explain something to you.

Larry

Sure.

I lost my dad a year ago. My mother just died. I'm an orphan, okay?

Larry

You're a what?

I'm an orphan.

Larry

Orphan?

Yeah, an orphan!

Larry

You're a little too old to be an orphan.

No, if you don't have parents you're an orphan.

Larry

You could be 70 and be an orphan?

You could be 100 and be an orphan!

Larry

You can't be 100 and be an orphan.

Yeah, you can!

Larry

Okay. Little Orphan Funkhouser.

Let me ask you something-

Larry

One of the things that bothers me a lot in life, is when ice cream drips down the side of a cone. Doesn't that bother you? That's why you have to be very vigilant when you're eating ice cream cones. Look, there's a little drip. Get it! Oh, another drip! Got it!

Are you coming to the funeral?

Larry

Of course I'm coming to the funeral.

Okay, I'm gonna give you the $50 I owe you for the golf bet.

Larry

Oh my God!

Hold this.

Larry

$50- I forgot all about it, the $50.

Yeah.

Larry

Great! What are you doing?

Taking off my shoe. I got money in the shoe.

Larry

What?!

There you go.

Larry

Ugh!

Take the $50!

Larry

No, I don't want it.

Take the $50!

Larry

I'd really rather not. I don't want that 50 from your sweaty...

Take the 50 bucks.

Larry

disgusting sock and sneaker.

This is the payoff.

Larry

That's- I don't want that 50. Give me a clean 50.

This is the 50 I have.

Larry

I'm not touching that 50. I don't want it.

Take the 50.

Larry

No!

Then I'm not paying you!

Larry

What?

I'm not paying you. This is the $50.

Larry

You owe me $50! What if-

This is $50! It's perfectly fine. See? $50.

Larry

All right, this is bullshit.

Take it.

Larry

Hold it out. Hold it out, fold it up. Fold it- that's it, okay. Put it in my pocket. Yeah, okay. Put it in there. Thank you.

Larry

An employee is told that the customer's always right and, in fact, the customer is usually a moron and an asshole.

Larry

Hey!

Why did you leave that stupid message on my answering machine?

Larry

What?

I don't want to hear about the money anymore.

Larry

Yeah. No one will take this money. I couldn't give it to a bum.

Listen to me. I don't care about the money. Someone stole flowers that were marking the spot where my mother was hit in her wheelchair.

Larry

Really?

Yes. I'm not a violent person. But if I find this guy, I don't know what I'm gonna do to him.

Larry

Hmm.

I can't believe that a human being would do that.

Larry

How would you even know the flowers are missing?

I keep track of it. I drive by there 10 times a day.

Larry

Okay, you know what? You should go home now. Don't worry about the 50. I don't even care about it anymore. You know-

What is that I smell?

Larry

What? There's no smell. What do you mean?

That's a white lily.

Larry

I don't even know what- what- a white lily?

I know a white lily.

Larry

Huh?

I've got a good sense of smell.

Larry

What are you doing? Where are you going?

There they are. I knew it!

Cheryl

Hi, Marty.

Hi, how are you, Cheryl? Boy, those are beautiful.

Cheryl

Thank you.

Where'd you get 'em?

Cheryl

Larry just brought 'em home for me.

Where'd you get the flowers?

Larry

Um... where'd I get those? Oh, Ventura Boulevard.

What store?

Larry

What was it? Uh...

Loretta

Where can I find a vase?

Did you take the flowers at my mother's site?

Loretta

What?

Cheryl

What?

Larry

They wouldn't take the 50 at the flower store!

How could you do that?!

Larry

Why? There are so many of them. Because I didn't know it was such a big-

So many of them?!

Larry

Is that such a bad thing?

They're not there to pick! You are the lowest of the low.

Cheryl

I cannot believe you.

I have never heard anything like that in my life.

Larry

How many flowers does she need?

Cheryl

You took flowers from Marty's mother?

Loretta

Are these from a graveyard?

Larry

Not a graveyard. It's a roadside memorial. It's not such a- come on!

How could you do this? And you know what? I am missing one! Where's the third bunch? There were three bouquets.

Larry

I-I- I know where it is.

Cheryl

He will get you that bouquet.

I feel sorry for you. If you weren't my best friend, I would take my bare hands and pop your head off your neck.

Larry

He's not my best friend.

You better get those flowers!