Curb Your Enthusiasm Season 2 quotes

Cheryl

Oh my God, is that the ocean?

Larry

Eh, you get used to that in two days.

You know, this morning, you're gonna love this, I saw a whale breach. I've never seen that here before, it's very rare!

Larry

Can you shoot the whales from the terrace?

What?

Larry

Because I like to have blubber for breakfast.

I heard that these SUVs, that they sometimes roll over rather easily.

Larry

Roll over? Are you kidding? Look at this thing. Look at it.

Jesus Christ.

I notice this is a GT and the brochure says there's a model called the GTS. Now what is the difference between the GT and the GTS?

Larry

OK, the GTS is "guaranteed tremendous safety."

So, without the "S," it's just "guaranteed tremendous"?

Larry

You just cost me a customer!

Richard

I cost you a customer?! What are you, fucking Willy Loman?!

Hey, Jabroni, open the window.

Larry

I'm awfully sorry.

I didn't ask your opinion. I've got three kids in there scared to death because some bald-headed turd is shooting at them.

Larry

No, sir, we were playing Cowboys and Indians.

Have you heard of Columbine? It's idiots like you that cause this whole society to be going crazy with violence.

Larry

No, I'm not a violent...

Shut up! You know what you're looking at? You are looking at 245 pounds of steel and drop-your-bony-butt-to-the-curb appeal. I will body-slam you so hard that you will poop your bald pants. You hear me?

Larry

Yes, sir.

Don't you ever, ever, EVER point another finger at my kids again because if you do, I will break it off, and shove it up your sphincter. You hear me?

Larry

Yes, sir.

Larry

Remember earlier today you said that you owed me one?

Jeff

Yeah, I owe you big.

Larry

I need to take you up on it.

Jeff

Wow, okay, what?

Larry

Like, now, like, quickly.

Jeff

Right now.

Larry

Yeah.

Jeff

What?

Larry

I actually have a rather bizarre request.

Jeff

What?

Larry

I want you to go outside, there's a station wagon out there.

Jeff

What?

Larry

I want you to let the air out of somebody's tires. It says "14 THOR" on the license plate. It's a red station wagon, it's in front, you can't miss it.

Jeff

"14 THOR," but why?

Larry

You said you owed me one.

Jeff

All right, yeah, sure.

Larry

But you have to do it now, hurry up.

Jeff

All right, you'll be here, right?

Larry

I'll be here, yeah. Thank you.

Larry

Hey, guys.

Hey.

Hey.

Larry

Hey, how you doing?

Good, you?

Larry

Good, hey, listen, your dad's that wrestler, isn't he?

Yep.

Thor.

Big tall guy.

Larry

Well, listen, I got a little piece of information for you that might interest you. Wrestling's fixed.

What do you mean?

Larry

All the matches are set up beforehand. The winners are all pre-determined. It's completely illegitimate.

You mean it's fake?

Larry

Exactly: Fake. That's exactly the word I'm looking for. Dad's kind of a big fake. You know what he is? He's more of an actor than a wrestler.

Dad's an actor?

Larry

That's right. The whole thing's a big phony boloney. Everybody knows that. Nobody thinks it's real. Hey, you tell him the bald turd said hello, okay?

Larry

I'm sorry I was late. I just couldn't decide what to wear.

Larry

It seems silly to me to put a napkin on an old pair of pants.

Larry

I think I am just going to get a Cobb Salad. I'd like to make a few substitutions, if that's OK. I'll get... no bacon. No eggs. Blue cheese on the side.

Are you sure you want a Cobb Salad? Do you do that every time you order that salad?

Larry

Do you have a problem with it?

It's my grandfather's salad. I'm a Cobb of Cobb Salad fame.

Larry

I think that this is a real bullshit story.

Larry

You know, my grandfather's name was Harold Bingo, and he invented the game "Bingo."

Larry

(to Shelley Cobb) You know we should have sex sometime.

(to Larry) Are you Jewish?

Larry

You wanna check my penis?

(to Larry) You know what you are, you are a self-loathing Jew.

Larry

Well I do hate myself, but it has nothing to do with being Jewish.

It's Halloween, can we get some candy?

Larry

Yeah, it's Halloween but that doesn't mean you can go around to people's houses and bilk candy from them.

Larry

"Bald Asshole"? That's a hate crime. We consider ourselves to be a group.

I'm bald and I'm not offended.

Larry

With all due respect, Officer Berg, you are not bald. You've chosen to shave your hair and that's a look you're cultivating in order to look fashionable, but we don't really consider you part of the bald community...with all due respect.