Curb Your Enthusiasm Season 5 quotes

Just if anyone asks me, what's in my new sandwich?

Larry

Oh, ok, it's um, you got white fish. You know, white fish?

White fish?

Larry

White fish and sable. Uhm..

What is sable?

Larry

It's a fish.

Jeff

It's a fish like a white fish. Smoked fish.

You have two fishes in the sandwich?

Larry

But they blend very well together. They're like Siamese twins, white fish and sable.

What else is in it? No condiments?

Jeff

Cream cheese.

Larry

There's some cream cheese..it's..

Jeff

Capers.

Larry

There may be some capers but I'm not sure. You can always brush them off, it's not a big deal.

Jeff

Onions.

That sounds awful.

Larry

What are you talking about?

My sandwich is turkey, cole slaw, russian dressing. It's a classic. People come in and they order a "Ted Danson".

Larry

Yeah but you're not there. You don't go in there.

Yeah but people are used to my sandwich. All of a sudden they show up there and they're eating the "Ted Danson" sandwich, you know, all of a sudden has herring and lox..

Jeff

Capers..and onions.

Larry

Hey, shut the fuck up!

Wanda

You know what's going on.

Larry

Huh?

Wanda

You have a racist dog. The dog hates black people!

Cheryl

Wanda...

Wanda

Larry, you train the dog to hate black people?

Larry

No, I didn't train it to hate black people.

Wanda

Has it barked at any white people?

Cheryl

...No, he's...he's...

Larry

So he hasn't barked at any white people.

Wanda

Exactly. Your dog is racist.

Larry

Sheriff's racist?

Wanda

"Sheriff"? That's a perfect name for a racist dog. Where'd you get this dog: the Klan meeting or something?

Cheryl

Larry picked him out at the pound.

Larry

The pound.

Wanda

Sheriff, the fuckin' dog that eats black people. What the fuck, man? I'll tell you what, y'all stay here, pet your crazy-ass racist dog, but I am not bringing my black ass back up into this fucking "hotel" until y'all get rid of that fucking Klan dog. Gotta Klan dog! Lookin' at me like I'm a damn T-bone!

Larry

See this thing? It's a mezuzah. Got that? And I need you to put it over the door here. This is like a Jewish thing, you know, we put it over the door so every anti-Semite in the neighborhood will know that we live here in case they want to burn down the house.

Chicken Teriyaki Boy! Chicken Teriyaki Boy!

I have good news, gentlemen. Both of your blood types are compatible with Mr Lewis for his kidney transplant.

Jeff

Good night nurse.

Good night.

Jeff

It's just a saying.

I've never heard of it.

Jeff

It's an old one.

That's nice.

Jeff

It is.

I know it is.

Jeff

Do you?

Do you?

Jeff

I do.

Good for you.

Jeff

It is good for me.

Oh, you think so?

Jeff

I know so.

I'm glad.

Jeff

So am I.

That makes two of us.

Jeff

So you say.

So I did.

Larry

I kinda invited [Rick] over to the seder, if you don't mind.

Cheryl

You did?

Larry

Yeah.

Cheryl

Aww.

Larry

I'm sorry.

Cheryl

No, that's okay.

Larry

Oh really?

Cheryl

Well, he's alone.

Larry

Oh, aren't you a doll.

Cheryl

That's cute. I'm glad you made a new friend. That's nice. I don't hear that very often from you.

Larry

Oh, and I forgot to mention, he's a sex offender.

Somebody's gonna have to jump.

Larry

Oh, stop.

Stop what? I can't be with you here after sundown! There's no other way! Somebody's gonna have to jump! You're gonna have to jump!

Are you gonna jump?!

Larry

What are you, fuckin' nuts?

Larry

You got the huge vagina and you're blaming it on the small penis. You know, it's not really necessary.

Larry

Oh hey, there was a Mickey Mantle ball, his 500th home run, right over there, and it's missing. Have you seen it?

No, I have not.

Larry

Hm. It's kinda curious given that nobody has been in the house, save for a few friends. Can a ball worth an excess of $20,000 just disappear into thin air?

You want to tell me what you're driving at?

Larry

I'll tell you what I'm driving at! I submit that you took that baseball, stashed it in your unusually large vagina, and walked right on out of here!

Larry

I was in the band, ok. The girls were pretty interested, you know, with the guitar. They liked that.

Like a rock band?

Larry

Jewish folk music, Jewish folk songs.

Oh, like what songs?

Larry

Um.."Gefilte Fish Blues".."My Freakin' Back is Killin' Me and It's Making It Hard to Kvell".

Cheryl

What was the name of your band?

Larry

The Hipsters..Larry David and The Hipsters. And then, I left The Hipsters and I just became Larry David.

Larry

You know what? Nevermind, alright? I-I'll take my liver out! I'll walk around with a dialysis machine hanging out of me for the rest of my life, no problem!

Larry

I owe you money, okay?

Yes. Here we go.

Larry

[checking his wallet] Okay...unbelievable...I'm out, I don't have any cash.

How come you never have cash, Larry?

Larry

I'm sorry, Song, I'm sorry.

No, I see you on the-

Larry

But listen! You know what I got? I got a check from Marla made out to me for $150, I'll sign it right over to you.

Okay, last time.

Larry

Last time, Song.

Okay? 'Cuz I like you.

Larry

Ok, I'm sorry, Song. Sorry.

I know where you live.

Jeff

What's with the hat?

Larry

What? I'm married. I can wear whatever I want.

Jeff

It does look ridiculous. You look like you should be pulling a rickshaw of some sort.

Larry

This is unbelievable!

Jeff

I've never tasted anything like this.

Larry

What is this dish?

Are you talking about this? It's pulgoki. The Korean florist brought it, it's delicious.

Larry

OHHH! OSCAR! THAT PULGOKI'S OSCAR!! YOU'RE EATING A DOG, YOU'RE EATING A DOG!!

You're giving away a kidney. The recipient is going to love you, man.

Larry

Really?

You gonna have your own personal slave, is what it is. You could be in China and sneeze and he'll bring you a tissue.

Larry

Wow, that may be true with others, I don't think with him though. He wouldn't even loan me a putter, actually.

You're giving him a kidney, he wouldn't loan you his putter?

Larry

Well, people get very attached to their golf clubs. It's understandable.

You're not attached to your kidney? That's fucked up, man.