Larry David quotes from Curb Your Enthusiasm

Larry

You just cost me a customer!

Richard

I cost you a customer?! What are you, fucking Willy Loman?!

Hey, Jabroni, open the window.

Larry

I'm awfully sorry.

I didn't ask your opinion. I've got three kids in there scared to death because some bald-headed turd is shooting at them.

Larry

No, sir, we were playing Cowboys and Indians.

Have you heard of Columbine? It's idiots like you that cause this whole society to be going crazy with violence.

Larry

No, I'm not a violent...

Shut up! You know what you're looking at? You are looking at 245 pounds of steel and drop-your-bony-butt-to-the-curb appeal. I will body-slam you so hard that you will poop your bald pants. You hear me?

Larry

Yes, sir.

Don't you ever, ever, EVER point another finger at my kids again because if you do, I will break it off, and shove it up your sphincter. You hear me?

Larry

Yes, sir.

Larry

Remember earlier today you said that you owed me one?

Jeff

Yeah, I owe you big.

Larry

I need to take you up on it.

Jeff

Wow, okay, what?

Larry

Like, now, like, quickly.

Jeff

Right now.

Larry

Yeah.

Jeff

What?

Larry

I actually have a rather bizarre request.

Jeff

What?

Larry

I want you to go outside, there's a station wagon out there.

Jeff

What?

Larry

I want you to let the air out of somebody's tires. It says "14 THOR" on the license plate. It's a red station wagon, it's in front, you can't miss it.

Jeff

"14 THOR," but why?

Larry

You said you owed me one.

Jeff

All right, yeah, sure.

Larry

But you have to do it now, hurry up.

Jeff

All right, you'll be here, right?

Larry

I'll be here, yeah. Thank you.

Larry

Hey, guys.

Hey.

Hey.

Larry

Hey, how you doing?

Good, you?

Larry

Good, hey, listen, your dad's that wrestler, isn't he?

Yep.

Thor.

Big tall guy.

Larry

Well, listen, I got a little piece of information for you that might interest you. Wrestling's fixed.

What do you mean?

Larry

All the matches are set up beforehand. The winners are all pre-determined. It's completely illegitimate.

You mean it's fake?

Larry

Exactly: Fake. That's exactly the word I'm looking for. Dad's kind of a big fake. You know what he is? He's more of an actor than a wrestler.

Dad's an actor?

Larry

That's right. The whole thing's a big phony boloney. Everybody knows that. Nobody thinks it's real. Hey, you tell him the bald turd said hello, okay?

Larry

I think I am just going to get a Cobb Salad. I'd like to make a few substitutions, if that's OK. I'll get... no bacon. No eggs. Blue cheese on the side.

Are you sure you want a Cobb Salad? Do you do that every time you order that salad?

Larry

Do you have a problem with it?

It's my grandfather's salad. I'm a Cobb of Cobb Salad fame.

Larry

I think that this is a real bullshit story.

(to Larry) Are you Jewish?

Larry

You wanna check my penis?

(to Larry) You know what you are, you are a self-loathing Jew.

Larry

Well I do hate myself, but it has nothing to do with being Jewish.

It's Halloween, can we get some candy?

Larry

Yeah, it's Halloween but that doesn't mean you can go around to people's houses and bilk candy from them.

Larry

"Bald Asshole"? That's a hate crime. We consider ourselves to be a group.

I'm bald and I'm not offended.

Larry

With all due respect, Officer Berg, you are not bald. You've chosen to shave your hair and that's a look you're cultivating in order to look fashionable, but we don't really consider you part of the bald community...with all due respect.

Larry

This isn't our food.

Cheryl

Did you check the order before you left?

Larry

Yeah, I did, but I decided to take the wrong food home. Thank you for inquiring.

Larry

How were the garlic noodles the other night?

What?

Larry

The garlic noodles?

I didn't touch your garlic noodles.

Larry

I didn't say you touched my garlic noodles. They were your garlic noodles.

Right.

Larry

But you did touch the shrimp.

Larry

Big family?

Yeah. Five brothers and sisters, you know, Irish.

Larry

You ever catch your parents having sex?

No...

Larry

Me either.

Thank you for your time and for donating the lunch. We really appreciate it.

Larry

Please, whatever you need. I'll donate anything you want. I'll donate it all. My time, my organs. What do you want? You want a kidney? I'll give you a kidney. What else do you need? I've got a terrific penis. I could donate a penis. I've got a good spleen. Excellent spleen. [sings the "Mr. Clean" commercial jingle]:"Mr. Spleen gets rid of dirt and grime and grease in just a minute. Mr. Spleen will clean your whole house and everything that's in it, Mr. Spleen."

Larry

I don't know why you call him an asshole. He's not an asshole, he's just shy.

Cheryl

No, he's not shy. He thinks he's smarter than ever everbody else and he sits there and he judges and he--

Larry

No, he doesn't, he's just shy! You got shy/asshole confusion, my friend.

Cheryl

No, I don't think so.

Larry

Yes, I think so, my friend.

Larry

Excuse me.

Yeah?

Larry

Do you work here?

No.

Larry

How come you told me to, to get rid of the water, then?

I saw you coming in with water, there's no water, it's the rules.

Larry

I don't understand how it's your concern, you don't work here.

It's the rules!

Larry

Rules?

The sign says no food or drink in the theater, I'm sure we would all like to have water.

Larry

Oh yeah, we're all dying of thirst. What are you, the hallway monitor here?

Who are you that the rules don't apply?

Larry

I'm applying the golden rule, are you?

I don't think the golden rule applies here.

Larry

If you had water, would you want me to tell you not to bring it in? I don't think so!

How about common courtesy, bud?

Larry

Oh?

A little common courtesy.

Larry

That doesn't supersede the golden rule! That's the big one.

Jeff

So, tomorrow night, you guys wanna go to dinner before part two?

Cheryl

Uhmm...

Larry

No.

Cheryl

Well, I do wanna go to part two.

Larry

No.

Jeff

You gotta go to part two! You're a part of the ABC Family!

Cheryl

Yeah, we're definitely going to part two.

Larry

Yeah, but we're not going to dinner with you though.

Cheryl

We've already made plans.

Larry

We don't have any plans, we just don't wanna go to dinner with you.

Larry

See this thing?

Uh-huh.

Larry

It's called a Swiss Army Knife.

Mm-hm.

Larry

You heard of Switzerland?

Um, yeah.

Larry

It's a country in Europe and they don't like to fight.

Huh.

Larry

They let everybody do their fighting for them while they ski and eat chocolate.