Larry David quotes from Curb Your Enthusiasm

Jeff

How did she die?

Larry

Killed herself.

Jeff

No, she didn't.

Larry

Killed herself.

Jeff

Why?

Larry

Nobody knows, she didn't leave a note. That is so rude, isn't it?

Jeff

That's really rude.

Larry

I mean, if you leave your house for ten minutes to go get a container of milk, you tell somebody where you went.

Jeff

I let my wife know before I go anywhere.

Larry

Yeah. Would it have killed her to leave a note?

But we have to continue.

We must go on.

Larry

Must go on! Can't go on! Must go on!

Larry

What?

Cheryl

"What?" We got a paper, that's what!

"Devoted sister, beloved cunt"?! [showing Larry the paper] That's what you put in the paper?!

Larry

[In shock] This is a typo! It should be "aunt"!

Cheryl

Did Jeff look at this before he turned it in?

Larry

They have proofreaders at papers!

Jeff

You gotta go.

Larry

What?

Jeff

You gotta go.

Larry

The hell are you talking about?

Jeff

You copped a feel off my mom, you gotta go.

Larry

Your mother thinks I touched her breast? That is so sick!

Jeff

It's what she thinks. What can I say? Sweet dreams.

Larry

"Sweet dreams". I'll dream about fucking your mother. "Sweet dreams."

Jeff

Do me a favor. Let me take care of the sunglasses.

Larry

The sunglasses?

Jeff

Give them to me, let me take care of them.

Larry

You want me to give a gift now?

Jeff

You gave it to her.

Larry

After this "entertaining" evening?

Jeff

C'mon, you gave it to her.

Larry

I don't think so. No.

Jeff

That's called "Indian giving".

Larry

Yes, I know what it's called. It's a very racist term but I'm okay with that.

Hi, Larry!

Larry

Hey, buddy! Hey, thanks for ratting me out to Becky, really appreciated it.

I did not rat you out.

Larry

You told her everything we talked about. And I told you not to say anything.

Well, that's your problem.

Larry

What a jerk.

Oh, I'm a jerk? Is that right? [starts to roll up sleeves]

Larry

Oh boy, oh boy. What are you going to do beat me up?

Maybe I will.

Larry

Go ahead! Take a shot!

Richard

Dr. Grambs, this is my friend, Larry David.

Larry

Hi, how you doing?

Richard

He's my dermatologist.

Larry

Really?

Richard

Yeah, for what, fifteen years already?

Larry

Even with the whole affirmative action thing?

Larry

Why don't we just call your doctor?

Cheryl

You can't call my doctor on the weekends, unless it's a life threatening emergency.

Larry

What?

Cheryl

Yeah, if you call his machine, it'll tell you you can't page him.

Larry

You called up and that's what it said?

Cheryl

Yeah.

Larry

That is obscene, you know that? [imitating the doctor] "Can't disturb the doctor on the weekend! Don't call the Dr. Zeppler on the weekend unless it's life-threatening!"

Cheryl

OK, OK.

Larry

[imitates the doctor's wife] "Norman, is someone calling? Who's calling? We're in the middle of dinner, Norman!"

Cheryl

Larry...

Larry

"This better be life-threatening or you're not gonna leave this house!"

Cheryl

Larry, please. I'm begging you.

Larry

"Norman! Unless they were burned in a fire I don't want you getting up from your chair. Do you understand, Norman?"

Larry

I can't wait to call my parents. They are gonna be so proud of me! When I tell my father I figured out out that navigation system, he's gonna flip his wig! And he's got one too!

Cheryl

Can we turn on the radio?

Larry

Oh, he's gonna be very proud of Larry figuring out the navigation system!

Cheryl

Please.

Larry

"Daddy, I'm not so stupid!"

Larry

My name is Todd, and I'm an incest survivor.

Hi, Todd.

Larry

Hello, I had sex with my uncle when I was 12. He lived in Great Neck, he was a doctor. An osteopath--I don't even know what they do, but I know they're doctors. Something to do with muscles, I think. Neither here nor there.

Cheryl

Oh my God, is that the ocean?

Larry

Eh, you get used to that in two days.

You know, this morning, you're gonna love this, I saw a whale breach. I've never seen that here before, it's very rare!

Larry

Can you shoot the whales from the terrace?

What?

Larry

Because I like to have blubber for breakfast.

I heard that these SUVs, that they sometimes roll over rather easily.

Larry

Roll over? Are you kidding? Look at this thing. Look at it.

Jesus Christ.

I notice this is a GT and the brochure says there's a model called the GTS. Now what is the difference between the GT and the GTS?

Larry

OK, the GTS is "guaranteed tremendous safety."

So, without the "S," it's just "guaranteed tremendous"?