Maybe the raccoon lept through that window ninja style, and before this guy could shoot it, it landed on him and chewed his face off. Well, I guess we should call it in, huh? Oh, that's right, we've got no reception!
S10 E9Appendicitement
SShirley
You think I don't know what you see when you look at us? [takes a sip of her martini] Bunch of ignorant drunk crackers. Shiftless peckerwoods. Lemme tell you somethin', we built this place outta nothin' with our hands, and our sweat and our determination. Mayor of Vegas used to eat here.
[whispers to Hodges] Alright, if I can't find a phone, I'm gonna make one. Keep an eye on her. [walks off]
SShirley
We had politicians, celebrities, rubbin' up elbows with the common man. Some nights, we had eight, ten limos stacked out up front. Then Harry took off, it all went to hell. He didn't care who he hurt. [making another martini] Are you sure, that I can't fix you boys one of these?
You know, I could use the little boy's room.
SShirley
Ah, toilet is all stuffed up. There's one in the basement. But, you don't wanna use that one, believe me. There's like, a million black widow spiders down there. It's like a black widow convention is what it is. You just like puff up and die, so... Use the bushes. [Hodges goes to leave]
[grabs his arm and whispers] Whoa, whoa, what am I supposed to do?
You heard Greg, keep an eye on her.
SShirley
[pours Henry some whiskey] You are gonna drink a man drink, just like that. [Henry chuckles nervously]
SShirley
This place was a gold mine. That man, he walked away with $250,000. All I got... [hands Henry a postcard that reads "Florida" on the front] was a postcard. Just to rub my face in it.
Henry [reading the postcard]: "Shirley, by the time you read this, I'll be sippin' pina coladas, on an island somewheres far away with the new love of my life who is much younger than you. Don't come lookin' for me 'cause I'm all gone. Good-bye, Harry."
SShirley
You ever hear anythin' so mean in all your life? [sniffles]
No, ma'am.
SShirley
You're real cute, you know? Now, what'd you say y'all come out here for again?
It's my birthday!
[Shirley squeezes happily and climbs on Henry's lap]
SShirley
Why don't you come over here and give your Auntie Shirley some sugar?
[laughs uncomfortably and starts to lean away] Uh, no, I can't, I'm engaged. I'm married, actually. I have syphilis!
SShirley
Perfect. Me too.
(muffled) Help!
S10 E10Better Off Dead
Guy stands in the middle of a 3-way shootout and strolls out alive?
Was he just lucky, or bulletproof?
Knocked over by a car, fell down a well, attacked by coyotes, poisoned by a spider, lost in a cave, traded for a Mike Schmitt rookie baseball card, and my favorite, [Sara walks in] given to a farm. Allegedly.
[Sara looks confused, looks at Henry]
The tragic fates of the Phillips' family dogs.
Greg [holds up a stuffed animal]: I mean, is this what women really want?
It's what men think women want. Like candy, it's sweet and hard to resist but sooner or later we just want some meat and potatoes.
Greg [imitating the stuffed animal talking]: All women I take out just order a salad.
Catherine [laughs]: God, I used to have drawers full of this crap from guys. Now, I just want a man that I can count on.
Brass [to Mr. Trent]: We have a warrant to search your house.
TMr. Trent
What's this about?
An overdue library book.
S10 E11Sin City Blue
He's talking to you, isn't he?
Yes. Sometimes I wish they would tell me more.
Sometimes I wish they'd just shut up.
DFDonald Fiore
It was a mathematical certainty that a woman like that would report the assault or she would blackmail me for the rest of my life. So, the only logical thing to do was to kill her.
And you applied that same logic when Karen Jones showed up at your door?
DFDonald Fiore
You know what the stupid girl did? She, she pointed a gun at me and she demanded that I give her fifty thousand dollars for her friend's funeral.
Well, according to my math, the fifty thousand dollars that you saved is gonna cost you twenty years to life.
DFDonald Fiore
Wait. Look, I, I am a good man. I work hard. I love my wife. I contribute to society. I mean, these people, you deal with them all the time. And those girls? They were just, they were just worthless criminals.
No, they were human beings. You're the worthless criminal.
S10 E12Long Ball
You know, Ray, for somebody who doesn't like golf, you certainly seem to know an awful lot about it.
It's not that I don't like golf. It's just that you have to focus your mind, practically every fiber of your being on a small white ball that you wanna hit just the right way, and then when you hit it, the feeling is exhilarating. And so you chase the small white ball all day, so that you can hit it exactly the same way. You chase that feeling. Kinda like cocaine. Not exactly the best hobby for an obsessive personality.
Yeah, people like that are better suited for a job in criminalistics, huh?
S10 E13Internal Combustion
You don't look nearly busy enough.
Well, thank you. It is my gift to look relaxed while doing many things. Unlike Hodges, who has the ability to look overwhelmed while really doing nothing at all.
It's Cindy Warner's phone.
They say the only way to get a teenage girl away from her cell phone is to pry it from her cold dead hand.
Well, whoever they are, let's hope they're wrong.
The suspect hides the murder weapon in plain sight, in her auto shop class. It's pretty sophisticated for a high school girl, right?
Well, she's definitely more sophisticated than the ones you chat with on the Twilight message boards.
When you're young, you think you're immortal and when you get older you just want to remember how that felt. Driving crazy fast on open road...
We're not getting that old, are we?
S10 E14Unshockable
I've seen access denied, but access restricted?
Denied is get lost. Restricted, that's like a fence you want to climb over.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's CSI: Crime Scene Investigation pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.