CSI: Crime Scene Investigation quotes

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Archie: Is that who I think it is?
Grissom: Who?
Archie: Toby Arcane. "Freak man".
Grissom: What makes him a "freak" besides that shirt?
Archie: All I can say he's not for the faint of heart.

Archie: Nevada State Correctional Facility. Pretty casual for a prison.
Grissom: It's medium-security...
Nick: ...for nicer criminals.
Archie: [laughing] Right.

Brass: Did you hear the one about the comedian who died onstage?
Catherine: Ba-dum-bum
Brass: I'll be here all week.

Brass: Have you ever seen anything like this before?
Catherine: How it manifested? No. But the cause? (beat) People throw things away every day.

Brass: I'm chasing something that Gil Grissom isn't interested in ... a hunch.

Brass: We are going back to Lady Heather's.
Grissom: I can take care of this myself.
Brass: Gil, do me a favor. Get a sport car. It's a lot cheaper and easier to handle.

Brass: [when Tonya's body is found] Did, uh, Tom Haviland ever play a boxer? Girl's face looks like hamburger meat.
Grissom: Looks like uncontrollable rage to me.
Nick: Grissom, you might want to come down here.
Grissom: Just say it, Nick.
Nick: Beans and franks. Tonya's a man.
Grissom: Looks like that old Hollywood saying: "Never get caught with a dead girl or a live boy." So, let's see Tom's in bed with what he thinks are two girls. He reaches down on one, becomes very confused. Most guys would have just cleared the room and gargled with whiskey. But Movie Boy, who brags about doing his own stunts, couldn't take the thought of having a man in his bed, so he freaked out.

Casino Owner: Can the casino do anything to hurry this up, Mr. Stokes?
Nick: I'm processing as fast as I can, sir. It would help if I had the dice used at this table.
Casino Owner: We replace the dice every hour.
Nick: I've got my work cut out for me then, don't I?

Catherine (about the vic): What kind of identifying characteristics do we have?
Doc Robbins: Second degree midline episiotomy scar.
Catherine: Well, that narrows it down to more than half the women in this country who gave birth.
Doc Robbins: But there might be one other thing. At first I thought appendectomy, but check out her x-ray. She's had surgery. Some kind of implant at the L4-L5 interspace. I'll know more when I open her up.
Catherine: You're my hero, Al.

Catherine [to Warrick]: Hey, um, hand me a swab, would you?
Warrick: You know I could do this for you.
Catherine: Not going to hurt any less. (Catherine takes a swab from the cut on her head)

Catherine: D.A. just got the call. Tom's manager hired Marjorie Westcott to defend him.
Nick: "Soundbite" Westcott?
Catherine: Guilty, rich client, high-profile case it's right up her alley. Publicity for her new cable show.
Grissom: Forget about who's involved. We do this like we do any other case.

Catherine: Grissom... they're beating our heads in. Judge is going to dismiss... you can feel it.
Grissom: Don't get ahead of yourself.
Catherine: I'm not ahead of myself. I'm up there front and center taking hits along with the rest of CSI. You know, you've turned into a really lousy leader. I need your help, and you're on the sidelines.

Catherine: Heard you got to be superhero today.
Doc Robbins: I consider myself a superhero every day.

Catherine: Hey, Greggy, any luck on those blood and hair samples?
Greg: Don't insult me. Luck is for those without skill.
Catherine: Spoken like a man who's never hit the jackpot.
Greg: Sad, but true.

Catherine: Hi. What'd I miss?
Grissom: Murder, seduction, deceit -- the usual.
Catherine: Mm. This one of your favorites?
Grissom: Actually, I'm not a big fan of noir.
Catherine: Okay. Well, what do you like?
Grissom: I like silent movies.