Henry quotes from CSI: Crime Scene Investigation

Henry

Maybe the raccoon lept through that window ninja style, and before this guy could shoot it, it landed on him and chewed his face off. Well, I guess we should call it in, huh? Oh, that's right, we've got no reception!

Hodges

Four crime scene miniatures. Four murder victims. And one diabolical killer with an obsessive streak who still remains at large. I don't know if any of you have noticed how distracted Grissom's been lately, but it's these keeping him up at night.

Archie

You know the combination?

Hodges

Of course. Grissom could use some fresh eyes on the case and that's why I've asked you here. Obviously, this could be perceived as insulting to the CSIs who formerly worked the case, so secrecy is of the utmost importance. Double down low.

Mandy

[in a British accent] Oh James, it's Monnypenny. M needs you back at HQ.

Archie

Shoe phone was get smart, girl.

Mandy

Oh, that's right.

Henry

Ninety-nine was so hot.

Archie

Yeah.

Hodges

Four people are dead, the killer's still out there, and you're mocking?

Mandy

We're mocking you.

Hodges

You in or out?

Henry

I don't really know anything about these cases.

Hodges

We'll review.

Henry

I don't know, I have a lot of work to do.

Hodges

And by work, you mean IMing your Icelandic penpal who thinks that you look like Warrick Brown, because that's the picture you posted.

Henry

How?

Hodges

I just know. Archie? In?

Archie

What the hell? But I gotta leave early. I've got a surfing trip in Santa Barbra this weekend.

Hodges

Miss Mockery?

Mandy

Well, we can't leave the lab. We can't talk to suspects. What exactly does Grissom want us to do?

Hodges

It's not always what you look at that matters, it's what you see.

Henry

That's Thoreau.

Hodges

Oh, is it?

Archie

Okay, professor, and your point would be?

Hodges

The answers lie in these. We're lab techs. We think differently than field guys. They deal with people, we deal with things. Maybe we can't find the killer, but I think we can find the thing that links all four murders. This is an opportunity. We have one shift to show Grissom what we're made of. Tonight we could be heroes.

Mandy

All right, all right. I'm in.

Hodges

It's time to think outside the box.

Wendy

I fell off a ladder?

Hodges

Well you are kinda clumsy.

Wendy

Since when?

Henry

It's endearing.

Henry

I know government employees aren't eligible for reward money, but I think we should at least get a small percentage.

Catherine

It's called your salary.

Henry

Ran tox on hamburger head, lows levels of THC and alcohol. For what it's worth I don't think he was injecting weed or beer into his nipples. Although, this, uh, one time Hodges and I were growing botox and he goes and he injects it...

Catherine

It's okay Henry, I don't need to know anymore.

Hodges

That was five months ago.

Henry

Nice, you were gonna give me hepatitis for my birthday. Thanks

You think I don't know what you see when you look at us? [takes a sip of her martini] Bunch of ignorant drunk crackers. Shiftless peckerwoods. Lemme tell you somethin', we built this place outta nothin' with our hands, and our sweat and our determination. Mayor of Vegas used to eat here.

Greg

[whispers to Hodges] Alright, if I can't find a phone, I'm gonna make one. Keep an eye on her. [walks off]

We had politicians, celebrities, rubbin' up elbows with the common man. Some nights, we had eight, ten limos stacked out up front. Then Harry took off, it all went to hell. He didn't care who he hurt. [making another martini] Are you sure, that I can't fix you boys one of these?

Hodges

You know, I could use the little boy's room.

Ah, toilet is all stuffed up. There's one in the basement. But, you don't wanna use that one, believe me. There's like, a million black widow spiders down there. It's like a black widow convention is what it is. You just like puff up and die, so... Use the bushes. [Hodges goes to leave]

Henry

[grabs his arm and whispers] Whoa, whoa, what am I supposed to do?

Hodges

You heard Greg, keep an eye on her.

[pours Henry some whiskey] You are gonna drink a man drink, just like that. [Henry chuckles nervously]

This place was a gold mine. That man, he walked away with $250,000. All I got... [hands Henry a postcard that reads "Florida" on the front] was a postcard. Just to rub my face in it.

You ever hear anythin' so mean in all your life? [sniffles]

Henry

No, ma'am.

You're real cute, you know? Now, what'd you say y'all come out here for again?

Henry

It's my birthday!

Why don't you come over here and give your Auntie Shirley some sugar?

Henry

[laughs uncomfortably and starts to lean away] Uh, no, I can't, I'm engaged. I'm married, actually. I have syphilis!

Perfect. Me too.

Henry

(muffled) Help!

David

Knocked over by a car, fell down a well, attacked by coyotes, poisoned by a spider, lost in a cave, traded for a Mike Schmitt rookie baseball card, and my favorite, [Sara walks in] given to a farm. Allegedly.

Henry

The tragic fates of the Phillips' family dogs.

Hodges

You see, Wendy suspected what I was up to, and she was urging me to come clean. I swear, it'll never happen again. Mea culpa. [to Henry] Can you forgive me?

Catherine

[to Hodges] This is going to go on your permanent record. [to Henry] You got your confession. Happy?

Henry

Hmm.

Catherine

Nobody likes a snitch.