David Phillips quotes from CSI: Crime Scene Investigation

David

I have an idea. (Warrick looks up) I'll keep it to myself.

David

(Repeated line as a gag) No signs of sexual trauma.

David

From the sound of it, I'd say he's been dead about two months.

Sara

Sound? (David shakes the bag, liquid sloshes around inside it)

David

I hate when you CSI guys get territorial.

Catherine

Yeah well the victim's family hate it when we don't.

Warrick

Two guys break and enter and get into some kind of an altercation.

Catherine

One ends up killing the other.

David

And almost Catherine. That had to be scary, huh?

Catherine

I didn't have time to be scared, David

David

It's like the Red Sea in here.

Grissom

The Red Sea's not red, David.

David

No, it's blue from afar and transparent when held in hand, like any other body of water. I was just speaking figuratively.

Warrick

Well, it's a crowded restaurant, somebody must have seen something.

Brass

Not exactly, welcome to the latest fad, dining in the dark. [presses a remote that makes the room pitch black] The waiters are blind. No one sees anything. Piece of cake, huh?

Catherine

Did he just leave?

Warrick

I think so.

David

[anxiously] Guys...I have a dead body here...

David

It's the third jumper on campus this year. Maybe it's contagious.

Catherine

I saw this documentary once on suicides off the Golden Gate Bridge, and they interviewed a survivor and he said the moment that he let go of the railing, he realized that all of his problems were fixable, except for having jumped.

Dr. Al Robbins

You know, David, our job is never easy, but this is a colleague. If your emotions are too raw and you feel you need to excuse yourself...

David

[Touching a frozen body which causes a crunching sound] Look! [touches dead body again] He's crunchy.

David

Hey Doc.

Doc Robbins

Hey.

David

I heard your band killed last night.

Doc Robbins

Really? Who'd you hear that from?

David

My wife's second cousin. Works in the mayor's office for the budget and finance director. He was at the country club. Grooved to your moldy oldies all night.

Doc Robbins

They're classics.

David

(looking at the victim who was shot in the head) Organ donor. Her heart was in the right place.

Grissom

Unfortunately her head was in the wrong place.

Doc Robbins

(looking at the dead deer with a tutu on) Doe. A deer. A female deer...

David

It's not funny.

Doc Robbins

It's a little funny. (starts taking pictures)

David

Doc, I already took photos.

Doc Robbins

Not for my scrap book, 'ya didn't.

David

This is animal abuse.

Doc Robbins

The killing? Sure. The dress? Pet owners put sweaters on chihuahuas.

Doc Robbins

Together in death, as they were in life.

David

Guy abuses wildlife, then bursts into flames. I call it karma.

Doc Robbins

No physical signs that their relationship was anything other than platonic.

David

I mean, we're the ones encroaching on their habitat, you don't see them shooting us.

Doc Robbins

Consider this justice for Bambi's mother.

David

Sorry for the delay, it's a paparazzi jungle downstairs.

Grissom

Yeah, well Doc Robbins isn't the only one with a scrapbook.

Robbins

Uh, David, would you finish stitching him up please?

David

I'm not a seamstress, I'm a coroner's investigation, dammit!

Robbins

He's been doing that all day.