Archie quotes from CSI: Crime Scene Investigation

Archie

Is that who I think it is?

Grissom

Who?

Archie

Toby Arcane. "Freak man".

Grissom

What makes him a "freak" besides that shirt?

Archie

All I can say he's not for the faint of heart.

Nick

You gotta get a girlfriend.

Archie

You first.

Greg

I thought we had a relationship! What are you doing taking Archie into the field instead of me?

Nick

Right tool for the right job, man. You have to understand the world you're investigating (Greg gives Nick a look) Hey, Archie? What's that "Star Trek" episode with that guy and the forehead thingy and the time portal...?

Archie

In classic, TNG, DS9, Voyager or Enterprise?

Greg

Point taken.

Archie

Or were you thinking about Farscape?

Nick

I have no idea what you're talking about.

Archie

Nevada State Correctional Facility. Pretty casual for a prison.

Grissom

It's medium-security...

Nick

...for nicer criminals.

Archie

[laughing] Right.

Archie

You know, if I had my choice about how I was going to go out, it would not be electrocution. I think an aneurysm in my sleep, quick and painless.

Warrick

I like surprises.

Archie

Whoa-ho!

Warrick

What you got?

Archie

Ultimate power. I could program this bad boy to make me a cup of coffee.

Archie

According to the Airline Global Distribution system, she boarded the flight and he didn't.

Nick

He was busy being dead.

Grissom

Our Mexican fisherman signed his television release form "F. Krueger."

Catherine

Freddy Krueger. Nightmare on Elm Street.

Archie

Yeah, and the karaoke singer was Michael Myers from Halloween.

Catherine

Parts one through nine.

Archie

Yeah, but who's the hotel killer? Who's Pamela Voorhees?

Catherine

Friday the 13th?

Archie

No, that's Jason. Oh no wait, Jason was the sequel. Pamela, the mother, was the killer in the original. That's the question that tripped up Drew Barrymore in Scream.

Catherine

Yeah, and look what happened to her.

Archie

You watch slasher flicks?

Catherine

With Lindsey, I do. They never get the spatter right.

Grissom

All I know is the master of all scary movies was Lon Chaney Sr., the man of a thousand faces, and that's what we're looking for.

Hodges

Four crime scene miniatures. Four murder victims. And one diabolical killer with an obsessive streak who still remains at large. I don't know if any of you have noticed how distracted Grissom's been lately, but it's these keeping him up at night.

Archie

You know the combination?

Hodges

Of course. Grissom could use some fresh eyes on the case and that's why I've asked you here. Obviously, this could be perceived as insulting to the CSIs who formerly worked the case, so secrecy is of the utmost importance. Double down low.

Mandy

[in a British accent] Oh James, it's Monnypenny. M needs you back at HQ.

Archie

Shoe phone was get smart, girl.

Mandy

Oh, that's right.

Henry

Ninety-nine was so hot.

Archie

Yeah.

Hodges

Four people are dead, the killer's still out there, and you're mocking?

Mandy

We're mocking you.

Hodges

You in or out?

Henry

I don't really know anything about these cases.

Hodges

We'll review.

Henry

I don't know, I have a lot of work to do.

Hodges

And by work, you mean IMing your Icelandic penpal who thinks that you look like Warrick Brown, because that's the picture you posted.

Henry

How?

Hodges

I just know. Archie? In?

Archie

What the hell? But I gotta leave early. I've got a surfing trip in Santa Barbra this weekend.

Hodges

Miss Mockery?

Mandy

Well, we can't leave the lab. We can't talk to suspects. What exactly does Grissom want us to do?

Hodges

It's not always what you look at that matters, it's what you see.

Henry

That's Thoreau.

Hodges

Oh, is it?

Archie

Okay, professor, and your point would be?

Hodges

The answers lie in these. We're lab techs. We think differently than field guys. They deal with people, we deal with things. Maybe we can't find the killer, but I think we can find the thing that links all four murders. This is an opportunity. We have one shift to show Grissom what we're made of. Tonight we could be heroes.

Mandy

All right, all right. I'm in.

Hodges

It's time to think outside the box.

Hodges

Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah...

Archie

What?

Hodges

What are you doing?

Archie

Sitting.

Hodges

No no, you're tempting fate! You know how you should never try on someone else's engagement ring, hold the Oscar, use the excuse your grandmother died when she didn't?

Catherine

[to Archie] You ever worry that you could be replaced by a computer?

Archie

Every day of my life.

Archie

I got a pretty good timeline on Paula Bonfilio. At 4:15pm, a hold was placed on Paula's credit card by the Tangiers Casino Day Care.

Grissom

Casino day care, there's the fifth sign of the Apocalypse.

Hodges

Well it looks like they're a cute couple, I give you that, but what I don't get is why anybody wants to watch that show. I don't, it's a talent contest? It's more like a humiliation ritual.

Archie

Well you'd know about that.

Catherine

You don't look nearly busy enough.

Archie

Well, thank you. It is my gift to look relaxed while doing many things. Unlike Hodges, who has the ability to look overwhelmed while really doing nothing at all.

Archie

Oh, man, I am so sick of looking for this face.

Nick

Well, look at the bright side.

Archie

Oh, we still know who we're looking for. Ha, ha, ha. Yeah, man, I am tired of that joke and I am getting really tired here.