Wendy quotes from CSI: Crime Scene Investigation

Wendy

I have a question. How do you have sex with the person who killed your daughter?

Grissom

Revenge is an act of passion.

Wendy

I said "How do you feel about butt implants?"

You don't need them?

Wendy

You know, if you're still having trouble coming to terms with the fact that this is no longer your lab, I suggest counseling.

Greg

I would like you to run this for me, please?

Wendy

M'kay.

Wendy

What on God's green earth possessed you to do this?

Hodges

It's my lucky day.

Wendy

What?

Hodges

It's my lucky day...

Wendy

Why is even potential advancement so threatening to you?

Hodges

Hey, Sanders left the lab, he got his ass kicked, I'm just saying.

Wendy

I fell off a ladder?

Hodges

Well you are kinda clumsy.

Wendy

Since when?

Henry

It's endearing.

Wendy

Anytime a dog is impounded in a criminal case, its DNA is collected and profiled. It's just like CODIS.

Hodges

DODIS.

Wendy

Anyway most of the cases in the database are gang-related. But I figured, well, it's worth a shot.

Hodges

Well, that'll look good on the old Grissom point meter.

Wendy

It's protocol.

Hodges

I'm just saying, be careful. No one likes a kiss-ass.

Wendy

Hey buckaroos, have you seen Catherine? Because I just got the results from that semen stain on Cody Latshaw's jeans.

Nick

Come up with a match?

Wendy

I did. I had to run an Ouchterlony test on it.

Greg

So, not from a human donor?

Wendy

No, no, bovine. (Nick and Greg look appalled) Yeah. I took a psychobiology class once and we studied a very interesting case. Okay, there was a guy who lived on a farm, and literally the only way that this guy could get sexually satisfied was when he was with livestock. (Nick tries to interrupt)

Nick

Hey, that's okay, I'm good...

Wendy

(growing more enthusiastic as she continues) Well, you see, apparently the whole thing started one ngith because he was in the barn and it started snowing, he was stuck in there and couldn't make his way back to the farmhouse so he decided that he would try and stay warm... well, with a sheep. (Nick just looks at Wendy) But then the horses were jealous, so, you know... And I think there was a cow in there as well...

Greg

You know, I think we got the picture.

Nick

I wish I didn't.

Wendy

Okay. This one has a tag. And now... (hands hair follicular tag to Hodges) ... tag, you're it.

Hodges

Is that what passes for DNA humor around here? Never thought I'd miss Sanders.

Hodges

You're a geeky, nerdy guy trapped in a woman's body

Wendy

So are you.

Wendy

That time of the month, huh? I know, picking out the right feminine product can be so hard.

Hodges

You're gonna mock me or help me?

Wendy

I have to choose?

Hodges

I can't get this to work!

Wendy

Well that's probably 'cause you don't have the right equipment. ... You don't, do you?

Hodges

Haha, you're lucky you're cute. Annabelle Fundt was dosing her tampons with vodka.

Wendy

Does that even work?

Hodges

Kinda, even at their most absorbent, tampons only hold about 19 grams of fluid or about 20 milliliters.

Wendy

Well, that's enough for aunt flow but that is not going to get an alcoholic drunk.

Hodges

Who's Aunt flow? (Wendy gives him a look) Oh! All right, maybe she was just doing it to take the edge off but what I can't figure out is how she managed it because every time I throw one in here, it turns into Spongebob Squarepants.

Wendy

You don't take it out of the applicator first. Gimme! (Hodges gives her a tampon) Watch and learn. (she makes it clear how it works) There, that's why they call it an applicator.

Hodges

I always wondered how that worked.

Wendy

All men do.

Ray

Wealthy art dealer comes out for a late night swim. Somebody's there who shouldn't be...

Wendy

That is a whole lot of face-smashing. You think it was a crime of passion?

Ray

That is what it takes to make great art.

Wendy

That was stupid.

Hodges

Oh, chivalry is not dead.

Wendy

No, but its nose is bleeding.

Hodges

It's an old Hux Club casino chip.

Riley

Hampton Huxley, the dead porno mag guy?

Hodges

No, it's not porno, it's a lifestyle. For one brief shining moment in the 80s scantily-clad Hux Club kittens, serving cocktails and dealing blackjack was the pinnacle of Las Vegas high society.

Wendy

How'd you get in?

Hodges

Sadly only through the glossy pages of the magazine, which I purchased for the articles.

Wendy

What is this stuff?

Greg

Uh, Langston sent us some souvenirs from Miami and New York.

Wendy

Oh.

Wendy

I love this.

Greg

Bitchin'.

Catherine

Ridiculous.