Pierce quotes from Community

Pierce

Cast Shape Change on Ducayne.

Abed

What shape do you choose for him?

Pierce

Faaaaaaaaaaaat.

Shirley

Pierce, stop it!

Jeff

Pierce!

Abed

Ducayne starts gaining weight. How much?

Pierce

Make him as fat as Fat Neil.

Jeff

Pierce!

Pierce

Oh, right, cry. Let it out. Baste your chubby cheeks in tears of gravy. You weren't crying when you were stealing my friends!

Pierce

How about Mexican?

How about Thai? They're like Chinese Mexicans.

Britta

Okay, guys, let's get to Biology on time. I don't want to be a screw up this year.

Jeff

Umm, Britta. [Points to his Biology book while looking at the Chemistry book Britta is holding]

Annie

So we're really doing this without Pierce? It's so sad.

Jeff

Yeah, we've parted ways with our closest, oldest, craziest, most racist, oldest elderly crazy friend. And he's not coming back.

Pierce

[Suddenly from behind Jeff] I'm back.

How is this still happening?

Pierce

I can't remember what regular air smells like.

Annie

Jeff, do something or we're gonna lose!

Jeff

Guys, this is important to Annie. So whoever actually died a few months ago, fess up so we can put a stake through your heart.

Annie

Jeff!

Jeff

Annie, I think the real lesson here is that a model U.N., much like the real U.N., quickly falls apart when faced with actual-

Annie

NOOOOOOO! I think the lesson here is that I need to win this! I want to win! And you! You suck! You're a stupid, ugly poopface, and I'm better than you!

Jeff

Annie, stop! You're acting like a little schoolgirl, and not in a hot way!

Jeff

Okay. Uh, that made me sound creepy... but-but here's the thing. [runs away]

Abed

I don't think you should. Chaos already dominates enough of our lives. The universe is an endless raging sea of randomness. Our job isn't to fight it, but to weather it together, on the raft of life. A raft held together by those few, rare, beautiful things that we know to be predictable.

Britta

Ropes. Vines. Vines? Let him finish!

Abed

Us. It won't matter what happens to us as long as we stay honest and accepting of each other's flaws and virtues. Annie will always be driven, Shirley will always be giving, Pierce will never apologize, Britta's sort of a wildcard from my perspective, and Jeff will forever remain a conniving son of a bitch.

Shirley

Abed!

Abed

There's 6 sides to this die, and 7 of us. He devised a system by which he never has to get the pizza.

Annie

Jeff! You crafty jackrabbit!

Really? Dang, man!

Pierce

Pretty low, dude. It's called "friendship"; look it up. Encarta it!

I think we just found our pizza getter.

Jeff

What's so funny?

Annie

Karma!

That guy sucks harder than the toilet of an airplane bathroom.

Pierce

Airplane bathroom...

Shirley

Oh, my pies!

Britta

[singing] Roxanne!

[singing] You don't have to put on that red light!

Annie

[to Abed] I really love your place!

Abed

You should move here.

Jeff

You see what happens when I leave you guys alone?

Jeff

Pierce, what the hell was that?

Pierce

That was-

That was my boy, standing up for good ol’ Hawthorne values.

Jeff

All due respect, sir, I have zero respect for you.

Typical Welsh nonsense!

Pierce

But, Father, I-

Jeff

Pierce, you really wanna be like this guy? He's wearing elephant bones on his head.

He will be what I tell him to be because I am his father!

Jeff

Listen up, Colonel Cryptkeeper. I could live a million years and I could spend every minute of it doing important things. But at the end of it all, I would only have lived half a life if I had not raised a son. This was a gift that was handed to you. You squandered it. And the reason you have so much hatred in your heart is because you're trying to fill a hole where your kid was supposed to go, and now it's too late. Now, you're just stomping around trying to prove you exist. Well, mission accomplished! But here's a question I'd like to pass on to you from every son of every crap dad that ever lived: "So what?!" I'm done with you. He's done with you. The world is done with you.

Jeff

Come on in. He's a Hawthorne. This is what they do. He's bluffing.

Jeff

Pierce, listen, I just wanna say...

Pierce

Did you know that the Canadian mallard is the only water fowl that bites his father's head off on his way out of the womb?

Jeff

That is definitely not true.

Pierce

I don't know. I looked it up on the Wikipedia.

Jeff

Pierce, um... I just wanna say...you know...sorry for killing your dad.

Pierce

Don't blame yourself; he bought a lot of his organs from questionable sources.

Annie

Wow. They found a way to make the Human Being even creepier - covering him in icicles.

Shirley

I think it's festive.

Jeff

Yeah, my favorite Christmas tradition is trimming the Hellraiser.

Abed

Guys, I found something we can watch together for Christmas this year. The long-lost 1981 Inspector Spacetime Holiday Special. Run time two and half hours, and so critically reviled that after it aired, the creator had his knighthood revoked.

That sounds terrible. I want to watch it twice, but I'm spending Christmas with my relatives. Or rather, I'm spending the day with my relatives while they refuse to acknowledge Christmas.

Shirley

You Jehovah's Witnesses - so severe. Andre and I will be spending Christmas giving gifts to the more persuadable of our Jewish friends.

Annie

I wouldn't call an unannounced visit from your pastor "a gift." And don't bother this year, I'll be at the movies with my bubbe.

You're not taking both of them?

Annie

Well, one's dead.

What?!

Abed

I was looking forward to hanging out with you guys this Christmas. This semester has been so long and dark and angry. I was thinking we could have some light-hearted fun as a family.

Jeff

I think what we've learned, Abed, is that attempts to make the holidays brighter tend to give them a certain darkness.

Shirley

Oh, I don't know if I agree with that.

[singing] Deck the halls with boughs of holly

Shirley

...Actually, maybe I do.

[singing] Tis the season to be jolly

Merry Christmas, Greendale! Glee Club here, reminding you that our Christmas pageant is coming! Next stop, regionals!

Pierce

What the hell are regionals? They never stop talking about it.

[singing] Deck~

Please tell me we were not this obnoxious the year we filled in for them.

Annie

T-minus 5 seconds until the hip-hop remix. 4, 3…

[rapping] Come on!

Britta

You’re awfully quiet, Jeff. No one hates glee club more than you do.

Jeff

Today, I’m just content to sit back and enjoy the show.

And now, our pop music mashup…

…Elton Little John Lennon!

Hit it!

[rapping] Hey, tiny dancer!

[rapping] OKAY-!

Stop! Cease…and desist.

Jeff

Glee club, meet ASCAP, protecting musical copyright since 1914. It appears they have received an anonymous tip that unlicensed material has been performed here without the artist’s permission. Merry Christmas, everyone. Glee club just became history club.

Guys, I am swelling with pride! You stepped up, and you saved the Christmas pageant!

Jeff

And it's all thanks to you, Mr. Rad! I just hope we can repay you by making regionals!

Pierce

I thought this was regionals. Don't let my confusion undercut the importance.

Places, everyone!

I could not have done this without your recruiting skills, Abed.

Abed

I was happy to do it. For a while there, I thought we were gonna end the semester on a really dark note. I'm glad we're singing and dancing together instead. This has been a good time.

And it's going to continue to be a good time! If we win regionals, then it's straight on to sectionals! And then a week later is semis, then semi-regionals, then regional-semis, then national lower-zone semis!

Abed

Oh. But I kinda thought this was...you know, just for Christmas.

No, no, no! This is forever. This is what we do now. This is who we are.

Britta

[To Shirley and Pierce] Am I the only person enraged by the fact that corporations are taking human form? I totally predicted this in my high school newspaper column: Britta Unfiltered.

Pierce

Unfiltered. I get it.

Britta

Get what?

Jeff

We are so screwed. How are we gonna memorize all this?

Shirley

Let’s just go over it again. Kingdom, phylum, class...

Pierce

Order, family, genus, species. I used a mnemonic device. "Kevin Please Come Over For Gay Sex."

Annie

Why not use Karen?

Pierce

Because it’s gay sex, dummy.

Shirley

So use great.

Pierce

Now I can’t remember anything! Thanks!

Pierce

I'm a millionaire, I'm an inventor, I'm a legend, and I had sex with Eartha Kitt!

Dean Pelton

[as a doctor in the "Greendale Asylum"] That's sad. Should we increase their lithium?

Garrett

[with Dan Harmon's voice] Not yet. I want to see what happens if we confiscate one of their pens.

There is another way in. If I enroll in the AC school, they'll help us. We could walk in and out. It'll mean I'll have to move out and into a.c. school housing, and I won't be able to hang out with you guys anymore, or have a relationship, or use the word sensational for some reason.

Britta

Troy, we are not losing you to save the dean, or Greendale, or anything, ever.

Jeff

Don't be so dramatic, Troy. The answer is simple. We just have to plan an elaborate heist.

Britta

Yes!

Pierce

Great, I'll get my turban.

Jeff

Everyone except Pierce has to plan an elaborate heist.

Jeff

Your honor, I have no closing statement…because I'm throwing the case. No, no, it's okay. It's fine, don't worry. My client, Shirley Bennett, my friend for three years, told me that it was okay. She said what I want was more important. She's right, right? I mean, guys like me, we'll tell you there's no right or wrong. There's no real truths. And as long as we all believe that, guys like me can never lose. Because the truth is, I'm lying when I say there is no truth. The truth is… the pathetically, stupidly, inconveniently obvious truth is… helping only ourselves is bad and helping each other is good. Now, I just wanted to get out of here. pass biology, and be a lawyer again instead of helping Shirley. That was bad. And my former colleague wanted so badly to keep his rich client that he just asked me to roll over in exchange for my old job. So I guess we all walked in here pretty bad. But now, Shirley's gone good. Shirley's helping me. It's that easy. You just stop thinking about what's good for you, and start thinking about what's good for someone else. And you can change the whole game with one move. Now, if you like this idea, you can make it true by doing something good for everyone here. Throw this case out of court. It's dumb. That is all.

Pierce

I withdraw my case. Why didn't you just do some inspirational speech about friendship? You're fired!

Way to go, soft serve. You're finished. By the way, never got a chance to tell you this, but it was me who turned you in to the state bar.

Jeff

I know. And I never got a chance to thank you.

This place has made you so gay...

Pierce

Hey, don't use "gay" as a derogatory term! Booyah! Good person!

Jeff

I really am Hitler.

Shirley

Yeah.

Pierce

So it's just decided? No vote or anything?

I hate this. I wish there was a way we could make it up to people.

Jeff

That's it! We need to make reparations. We have to start giving back, because Greendale has given us so much. It gave us the study room. And that study room is our home. But our home is more than those four walls. And our family is more than the seven of us. It's all of Greendale. And everyone deserves to have what we have. [after the study group finishes the study room make overs] What do you know? Greendale just got slightly better.