BrittaI want to say something to you guys about mental health...
Is that Britta? Is she alive?
Why did you think she was dead?
Sounds bad when you put it that way; can you put it in a way that sounds good?
Britta
You do realize this isn't just a pile of chairs, right? This is a crib, and you're curled up inside there sucking your thumb, because you don't want to say good-bye. Well, it's time to grow up! The adults are here, and we're gonna tear down your fort! Chairwalkers, attack! AWOOOOOOO!
CChairwalkers
AWOOOOOOOO!
Okay, we'll go into the vents. They'll never find us there.
I say we take a stand here. I mean, someone's gotta win sometime.
Not if we never kill each other. Then we can play forever.
Right! Wait, Abed, the floor can't be lava forever. The game's gotta end.
It's not a game for me, Troy. I'm seeing real lava because you're leaving, it's embarrassing. I don't wanna be crazy, but I am crazy, so... I made a game where you and everyone else see what I see. [Both look at lava] I don't want it to be there either, I swear. I want you to be able to leave, but I don't think the lava goes away until you stop leaving.
So the only way I can help you is by giving up my chance to... be one person?
[Britta and Buzz Hickey enter the basement]
Britta
You guys ready for closure?!
BHBuzz Hickey
Of your caskets?!
Guys, stop! The lava’s real to Abed! It’s not a game to him!
Britta
Oh no…
BHBuzz Hickey
You know what I think? I think he’s used to getting his own way. I think he’s never met me.
Britta
Where are we going?
Well, I think you should go home. Because you're having an existential crisis, and the best lesson you could take away from it. Is that you are someone, even when you're by yourself.
Britta
I think you're right, thank you. And please don't take offense at this, but thank you for not hitting on me. I was just vulnerable enough to do something really stupid.
[Duncan starts hitting the steering wheel]
Britta
What's wrong?
Nothing. Nothing. It's nothing... Th-th-the stupid steering wheel is on the wrong side of the car.
Britta
And do I hear correctly that as a Five, you felt you could park in handicapped spots?
KKoogler
Well, you see, that's just part of the Koogler style.
Britta
It's human crap style! RATE HIM!
[the assembly of Ones reduce Koogler's Meowmeowbeenz score to one]
KKoogler
Okay, well, that's low...
[the assembly of Ones boos and pelts paper balls at Koogler]
Britta
All Fives must be cleansed of their Five filth and reduced to One-ness.
Jeff! Hey! Shirley! I'm not a Five anymore; I'm like everyone else! I'm like everyone else...
Britta
Who's next?
Alright, time to pull the plug... Oh, Great Mother of Ones, mustard-faced savior, there is still a Five hiding among us that has not been cleansed.
Britta
Nonsense. All Fives were reduced to Oneness in The Great Purge of About Two Minutes Ago.
This Five cheats. It never registered. It was given a Five from outside the system. Behold the Meowmeowbeenz app. Its beta test ended days ago, it's now available in the App Store: 99 cents. Five stars. This Five lied to us, used us, judged us, yet exempts itself from judgement. [assorted boos] And I'm pretty sure it's selling our details to spammers because I'm getting a lot of emails, and trust me, my penis needs no enlargement.
KKoogler
So how do you cleanse a Five that has not been registered?
Delete it. [the assembly of Ones deletes their apps] By the way, guys, it's a Saturday. Uh, you're all in school for nothing. Go home and get some sleep.
Britta
No! No! Wait! No, don't go! Where are you going?! No...
[Jeff enters the study room to find Britta sitting at the table alone]
Britta
Hey.
So...what are you gonna do?
Britta
I'm thinking I'm gonna transfer to City College, but I'm knowing I'm gonna be a bartender. You?
Britta
Nice! [quick pause] I'm worried about Abed and Annie. They're not ready for this to end.
Yeah, they're part of the "adulthood begins at 30" generation. I'm...I'm actually looking forward to a little bit of-
Britta
Sanity?
Yes! Sanity. Yeah, I mean, it's over, but on the other hand, it's over.
Britta
Amen. And to think, this all started because you wanted to-
Nail you. [chuckles] Yeah, I regret nothing.
Britta
Don't. I mean, after everything that's happened here, what did either of us get done aside from each other?
Exactly, and what are either of us gonna be leaving...with...?
[pause]
Britta
"Um...I should go clean out my locker," she said at the age of 33...
[Britta gets up and starts to leave, but Jeff stops her]
Britta
What?
Yeah, right? I mean, this is what matters, right? This is what keeps people from being pointless! Let's do what people do. Let's get a house we can't afford, and a dog that makes us angry.
Britta
And dedicate an entire cabinet to grocery bags and realize we have a favorite brand of olive oil?
Britta
Okay, yeah.
[they both embrace and kiss]
Britta
Yeah...uh, yeah, this feels...right. Let's get out of here and never look back.
Yeah, but first, let's lock these doors and pull these shades. We've never had sex on the new table.
Britta
Yes, two for two! Medium roughness, high tempo?
Let's make it a number eight.
[suddenly, Dean Pelton, Abed, and Annie burst in the room]
Hey, after I was electrocuted, didn't you two say you were gonna get married?
Britta
Doesn't "electrocuted" technically mean "killed"?
Do you always have to correct people like that?
Britta
Do you always have to police correcting?
That's it; the marriage is off.
Britta
I think you mean the wedding is off.
JBJeff & Britta
Yeah! [they high-five]
Britta
Excuse me, ma'am. Is she above us or below us?
She is - Woah! I' m getting a call here, and, um, I'll have to take it. Frankie, why don't you explain what your role will be while I leave to take this call? My phone is vibrating, but it is-
In your office, which you didn't realize when you started the fake phone call move.
My phone is in my pocket, Jeffrey! I'm walking away so I can get it out, and answer it! [quietly] Let me know how it goes.
Okay, I'll just have a seat, and-
[the study group protests]
Our friend used to sit there.
I'm sorry. What about here? [gestures to Pierce's chair]
[the study group agrees]
Okay, so I took an informal survey to get a sense of how Greendale is perceived, and three themes emerged: weird, passionate and gross. In marketing, it's what we call the "Good Belushi". If I had a magic wand, I would use it to make sure that Greendale never had to grow up. I would also probably use it to cut the Magic Wand class that I noticed is actually offered here, as well as VCR Repair, a class called Ladders, and When is it Okay to Shake a Baby? In terms of hierarchy, I'm a big believer in it. Someone needs to say I'm in charge, and that person is me. That's my decision. That doesn't mean we don't work together, but all communication and decisions will go through me. I'll send out an email later to set up our next meeting.
[the study group murmurs in
Is this what you guys want? You wanna play Cops and Robbers with costumes?
Why is that guy a carrot?
Britta
Who tattled?
In what world, Britta, do you see this as covert enough to require tattling? You built a bar in a school! There was lumber involved! I have been letting you hole up down here because it kept you contained and satisfied. Because you are all compulsively defiant. But it wasn't enough. You had to drag Abed back in, and Abed deserves better!
Britta
It finally comes out! "Abed deserves better!"
Britta
Shut up, Leonard! I once mistook six people for you at a pharmacy!
It's not their fault, Frankie. I chose this. These are my friends. I hate emailing Diane; she can't commit to a font. It's pathological, and so am I. This is where I belong.
I know you think that, Abed, but you don't know any better.
[awkward silence]
Shut up, Leonard! You are...you are old! And you deserve less because of your age! I don't - I don't actually believe that; I'm just trying - I'm just trying to... And everyone here is a...is a fart! A livid fart from the butt of a lesser god! And I'm - I'm better than this... [Frankie leaves]
Britta, you saw what they did to the lunch lady. You wanna guess how much better my emails are? You want me to call a press conference and say, "now do me"?
Britta
No! I'll do it. [stands up] Let them leak me!
[stands up] I'm not letting you do this alone.
Screw it. [stands up] I'm in.
[stands up] Someone has to be the last one that stands up, and now, that someone isn't me.
[stands up] I kinda zoned out. I assume we're standing to go see Avengers?
These guys are giving hackers a bad name. [stands up] And "hacker" is already such a dumb name.
I'm not an idealist; I'm a pragmatist. And it's never pragmatic to piss you guys off, so... [stands up] Fine.
Guys, this is so inspiring. I guess...just let me know how it goes. No matter what happens, I'm with you! But don't tell anyone I'm with you; if you do, I'll deny it. But I'm with you here and now! Not literally "here and now"; right now, I'm leaving. But I will always have been with you secretly- bye.
Britta, remember that guy you were in love with, but your love was torn asunder because he was the human incarnation of a certain sandwich franchise?
Britta
I-
Don't say it! Never say that name without compensation! I know how much that experience hurt you, which is why I'm warning you that I just saw him in the parking lot.
Britta
[gasps]
Breathe. The self-destructive part of you wants to run straight to him, but we need to be smarter than that, right?
Britta
Right. Thank you, Annie.
Now, I have one more class, but if you could wait...[turns around] 40 minutes, I will meet-
[Britta takes off towards the parking lot]
Britta
You really picked that outfit?
It's Meridian. Keep going.
Britta
Insane. And what is your name - "Exploitia"?
Scorpio Nine! I'm a pleasure droid! No, I'm an assassin?
You're both. Keep going. She was a pleasure droid, she got turned into an assassin, she's now the daughter; that's your sister.
Get to the escape pods! And then we go! This way!
Check on Chief Star, Jeff.
Do you want flashy forward, or cherry and classic?
Britta
Do you have black?
[Annie gives a beleaguered sigh]
Britta
That's a no. That beleaguered sigh means, "no, I can't have black nails".
Don't look at the camera.
You absolutely can, and we all will when our bodies decompose.
Please don't Jim the camera like that.
Britta
The color black hasn't had anything to do with death or edginess since '89. My accountant has black nails.
Britta
Don't jump on that. My accountant; it's a figure of speech.
It's a form of speech called "making things up".
[there's a knock on Abed's apartment door]
Britta
Abed, can you get that?
I can film you getting it.
Britta
It's open!
Britta
I dunno; let's see.
[Frankie walks through the door holding her dress on a hanger]
ABAnnie & Britta
Frankie!
So I didn't put my wedding clothes on, like you said. So we can get dressed together and be girls together. This is gonna be fun.
[cut to Frankie's interview with Abed]
Annie and Britta told me to come over and get ready with them for Garrett's wedding. I didn't say no. Who says no to something like that? A cold, off-putting, incompatible person. The kind of person that turns a sleepover into a-a-a stoning. I had rocks thrown at me. Biblical, igneous, jagged, hateful, pointy, ninja rocks, and that's not gonna happen again.
There is skill to it. More importantly, it has to be joyful, effortless, fun. TV defeats its own purpose when it’s pushing an agenda or trying to defeat other TV, or being proud or ashamed of itself for existing. It’s TV. It’s comfort. It’s a friend you’ve known so well and for so long. You just let it be with you. And it needs to be okay for it to have a bad day, or phone in a day. And it needs to be okay for it to get on a boat with Levar Burton and never come back…because eventually, it all will.
[Britta starts crying]
Britta
[sobbing] I know… It’s not just that… It’s just such a classic mistake, but…I got really attached to my pitch. I had a soundtrack in my head and everything…
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