Welcome back to Greendale, now ranking fifth on Colorado's alphabetical list of community colleges! Rest in peace, Bad Boy Slim's DJ School. This school owes its debt to its following heroes: Jeff Winger, a teacher so dedicated to clean energy, he's already parking his car like it's electric. Britta Perry, currently raising awareness of homelessness - not like she has a choice. Abed Nadir, who actually wrote this announcement for the sake of, as he put it, "catching everyone up". And Annie Edison, who led the effort to save Greendale from 534 critical emergencies.
Excuse me, ma'am. Is she above us or below us?
She is - Woah! I' m getting a call here, and, um, I'll have to take it. Frankie, why don't you explain what your role will be while I leave to take this call? My phone is vibrating, but it is-
In your office, which you didn't realize when you started the fake phone call move.
My phone is in my pocket, Jeffrey! I'm walking away so I can get it out, and answer it! [quietly] Let me know how it goes.
Okay, I'll just have a seat, and-
[the study group protests]
Our friend used to sit there.
I'm sorry. What about here? [gestures to Pierce's chair]
[the study group agrees]
Okay, so I took an informal survey to get a sense of how Greendale is perceived, and three themes emerged: weird, passionate and gross. In marketing, it's what we call the "Good Belushi". If I had a magic wand, I would use it to make sure that Greendale never had to grow up. I would also probably use it to cut the Magic Wand class that I noticed is actually offered here, as well as VCR Repair, a class called Ladders, and When is it Okay to Shake a Baby? In terms of hierarchy, I'm a big believer in it. Someone needs to say I'm in charge, and that person is me. That's my decision. That doesn't mean we don't work together, but all communication and decisions will go through me. I'll send out an email later to set up our next meeting.
[the study group murmurs in
[in Southern accent] Temporal?! Mutation?! In English, doc! [in normal accent] Simply put: Mr. President, in five hours, these dinosaurs will become…
…Time-osaurs. Go ahead. I can reshoot.
I’m worried you’re not distinct enough from Annie, both in terms of physicality and purpose.
I can’t determine if you have any specific flaw, quirk, or point of view that makes you a creative edition to the group.
I don’t know what that means, but I’m writing it down.
My umbrella concern is that you as a character represent the end of what I used to call “our show”, which was once an unlikely family of misfit students, and is now a pretty loose-knit group of students and teachers, none of whom are taking a class together in a school which, as of your arrival, is becoming increasingly grounded, asking questions like, “How do any of us get our money?” “When will we get our degrees?” and “What happened to that girl I was dating?” as opposed to questions I consider more important like “What is real?” “What is sanity?” “Is there a God?” “Where’s that Pierce hologram?” Jeff said last year he saw a Pierce hologram. None of the rest of us have ever seen it, so if there’s a Pierce ghost on campus, I’d like to get a head-start on busting it.
…Alright. This is the first I’ve heard that I’m a character on a show; I’m excited to be one, but I agree I’ll be a boring one. Quirks are not my strong-suit; results are. I love quirky people; I come from a big family of people who are literally insane; I moved out here to take care of one of them. But I myself am exceptionally boring, and I am quite proud to be that way, because it allows me to help the less boring people and turn quirks into results.
That’s the most interesting take on not being interesting I’ve ever heard.
As far as what I represent on your show, I wouldn’t give me or anyone else that kind of power. Good shows change…I assume. Personally, I don’t own a TV.
You’re the first person to say that that I didn’t immediately delete from my brain.
Is this what you guys want? You wanna play Cops and Robbers with costumes?
Why is that guy a carrot?
In what world, Britta, do you see this as covert enough to require tattling? You built a bar in a school! There was lumber involved! I have been letting you hole up down here because it kept you contained and satisfied. Because you are all compulsively defiant. But it wasn't enough. You had to drag Abed back in, and Abed deserves better!
It finally comes out! "Abed deserves better!"
Shut up, Leonard! I once mistook six people for you at a pharmacy!
It's not their fault, Frankie. I chose this. These are my friends. I hate emailing Diane; she can't commit to a font. It's pathological, and so am I. This is where I belong.
I know you think that, Abed, but you don't know any better.
[awkward silence]
Shut up, Leonard! You are...you are old! And you deserve less because of your age! I don't - I don't actually believe that; I'm just trying - I'm just trying to... And everyone here is a...is a fart! A livid fart from the butt of a lesser god! And I'm - I'm better than this... [Frankie leaves]
In terms of hierarchy, I'm a big believer in it. Someone needs to say I'm in charge, and that person is me. That's my decision.
EEmployer
Who talks like that? Why would anyone hire someone so pompous? Miss Dart, word of advice: start changing your personality, or start looking for companies run by insane people.
[as if on cue, Jeff and Abed burst into the room]
Fifth time's the charm. He barged into four other offices screaming, "DON'T HIRE THIS WOMAN!"
EEmployer
What the hell is going on?!
What are you doing here? How did you even find me?
I emailed Diane. She knows way too much about your schedule, by the way.
Whatever he's offering you, Greendale...well, we can't double it. We probably can't even match it. Whatever he's offering you, Greendale will give you less - and an apology.
[shushes the employer] It's not enough. But maybe if you added more apologies...
JAJeff & Abed
...We're sorry.
