Britta quotes from Community

Annie

She’s calling him?!

She was born in the 80's - she still uses her phone as a phone!

Abed

Uh-oh.

Annie

That's fine; it's fine! We just won't answer it.

Abed

Won't it go to your voicemail?

Britta

Hello? Blade?

Britta

Jeff? What are you doing here?

Jeff

I just got back from the carnival, where I met Blade.

Britta

Is he okay? How is he?

Jeff

He’s brain damaged.

Britta

Okay, well, let’s not be petty…

Jeff

No, I’m serious; he showed me the scar. Ten years ago, before he even met you, a loose blot flew off a Ferris wheel and embedded in his skull, destroying the part of his brain…that feels shame. I mean, he’s basically irresistible to people for the same reason he can pretty much only work at a carnival. He has nothing to prove or disprove about himself or to himself. He has no shame.

Britta

Why wouldn’t he have told me that?

Jeff

Because he didn’t care if you knew.

Britta

That is so like him! I have to go to him…

Jeff

No, woman. None of us have to "go to" anyone, and the idea we do is a mental illness we contracted from breath-mint commercials and Sandra Bullock. We can't keep going to each other until we learn to go to ourselves. Stop making our hatred of ourselves someone else's job and just stop hating ourselves.

Britta

Annie has a point. The death of a peer, especially at our age, can trigger a whole range of emotions. As a psychologist...

Jeff

Student.

Britta

...I hereby offer my licensed...

Jeff

Unlicensed.

Britta

...services as a grief counselor.

Jeff

Grief causer.

Britta

If anyone needs to talk, the doctor...

Jeff

Not even close.

Britta

...is in.

There is another way in. If I enroll in the AC school, they'll help us. We could walk in and out. It'll mean I'll have to move out and into a.c. school housing, and I won't be able to hang out with you guys anymore, or have a relationship, or use the word sensational for some reason.

Britta

Troy, we are not losing you to save the dean, or Greendale, or anything, ever.

Jeff

Don't be so dramatic, Troy. The answer is simple. We just have to plan an elaborate heist.

Britta

Yes!

Pierce

Great, I'll get my turban.

Jeff

Everyone except Pierce has to plan an elaborate heist.

Britta

Today is Abed's first therapy session.

Jeff

His what?

Britta

He's been feeling extra vulnerable lately, having lost Troy to the air conditioning repair school, so he's finally going to let me practice my psych skills on him! Give me some credit, Winger. What's the worst that could happen?

Leonard

Classic tee-up.

Britta

Shut up, Leonard; I know about your crooked wang!

Leonard

No such thing as bad press!

Britta

I wish to end all wars.

That's another rule. No wishes containing the word 'all'. Guaranteed ironic consequences.

Britta

I don't think anyone's going to miss wars.

Star Wars, Thumb wars, wow, Storage Wars!

Britta

Jeff, why are people staring at you?

Jeff

'Cause they've never seen a man who's had sex before?

Annie

It’s good to be back.

Shirley

Should we go celebrate at Skeepers?

Britta

Aw, come on, Shirley; we all have lives.

Dean Pelton

There you are! I am so proud how you stepped up and made amends, and everyone forgave you! Because when it comes right down to it, Greendale's a forgiving place.

Annie

It really is.

Dean Pelton

Please keep that in mind for the next 20 seconds; remember that people can "chang".

Jeff

People can what?

Dean Pelton

Hmm?

Hi, I'm Kevin.

AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!

Dean Pelton

[whispering] He has Changnesia.

Britta

Psychology tells us there are no accidents.

Jeff

What about car accidents, Tara Reid, or the Hindenburg?

Britta

We do need the money. The biology department's been dissecting the same dead pig for ten years.

Dean

If we get this money, we can buy 100 pigs and make everybody happy.

Jeff

You're really doing this? Look, as someone who faked being a lawyer for seven years, I appreciate your commitment to the bit, but just admit you were wrong.

Britta

So you can say I Britta'd it?

Jeff

Yes, of course. That goes without saying. But come on, it was a small mistake. Call this off before it becomes a full-scale "Brittastrophe." I coined that.

Britta

There are so many clouds; it's so dark!

I can't even see the Landing Strip, or any of the other nudie bars!

Shirley

Oh, Heaven help us!

Annie

We must be miles above the ground!

Pierce

That's international airspace. We're literally above the law! Jeff can marry any man he wants.

Jeff

Wait a second guys, I think we're starting to go down.

Shirley

[to Britta] You see, prayer works.

Britta

So does gravity, Shirley.

Shirley

And you know who invented gravity, right?

Jeff

I found the perfect girl for me, and then I met her kid. [starts singing]

Britta

I am an activist,

Annie

I was struggling in history,

I caused the Greendale fire of '03

Pierce

I never slept with the great Eartha Kitt

This secret inside me,

Jeff

And now, my most terrible secret is out

Jeff

What is this?

Annie

Oh, I know we said no gifts, but I couldn't resist.

Jeff

You realise you've just put your friends in a very awkward position. A gift creates obligation.

Annie

I don't see it that way.

Jeff

Well, I do, and I think the others will too.

Shirley

[knocks on the door and comes in] Merry Christmas! I know we said no gifts, but I couldn't resist.

Jeff

Oh, who couldn't have seen that coming?

Shirley

Oh, Annie, I love what you did with the place.

Annie

It's a work in progress.

Good tidings, fellow Christmas celebrators. And to all a good wassailing.

Britta

I know we said no gifts, but we couldn't resist.

Jeff

There is a real problem with resistance in this group.

Shirley

Speaking of tomorrow, Troy and Britta, have you decided what you're gonna do for your one-year anniversary?

Of...?

Annie

Your first date?

Britta

Oh! Kidding.

Yeah! That was a test and you failed.

Pierce

You guys are dating? Man. Somebody's sure is working her way around the table. [Looks at Britta]