Jeff quotes from Community

Shirley

[in the study room of the "Darkest timeline"] To Pierce. May he rest in Pierce. [Chuckles as she pours some wine on Pierce's empty chair]

Britta

Shirley, don't you think you've had enough?

Shirley

Of you.

Abed

Guys, I've been thinking about that night over and over, and one thing has become clear: this is the darkest and most terrible timeline.

Britta

Enough with the timeline crap, Abed! Pierce got shot in the leg and died, Shirley is a drunk, Annie is locked in a mental ward because her guilt drove her insane, Jeff lost an arm in the fire, Troy lost his larynx because for some dumb reason he tried to destroy a flaming troll doll by eating it!

[speaking through a device connected to his throat] Clearly you don't understand anything about defeating trolls.

Britta

Life has gone to hell, Abed! This is real! Look at us, look at me!

Jeff

Britta, you put one wash-away blue streak in your hair, and I lost an arm.

Britta

Exactly! Life got dark.

Abed

All because Jeff rolled a one.

Jeff

Oh, I love how this is my fault somehow.

Abed

It's mine. I've run through that night over and over in my head and I keep coming back to one thought: I should've caught the die and not let you roll it. I failed to do that and we all suffered for it. But I'm gonna make it up to you. [gives everyone in the study group a black piece of felt]

Jeff

What is this?

Abed

Of all the timelines, this is clearly the darkest; which is why I propose we commit to being evil. I've made ourselves black goatees out of felt; I suggest you put 'em on until you're able to grow your own. [puts his felt goatee on] From now on, I'm Evil Abed. We're the Evil Study Group, and we have but one evil goal: return somehow to the prime timeline - the one that I stopped you from rolling that die - then we destroy the good versions of ourselves, and reclaim our proper lives.

[visibly angry] Evil Abed, as Evil Jeff, am I allowed to pull fewer punches with you?

Certainly.

I hate you! Shut up with your sci-fi crap! I've lost my damn arm, and you're making fake beards!

Goatees.

[singing] Evil Troy and Evil Abed!

Britta

Remember last week when I made you guys fill out those anonymous personality tests from my psych class?

Jeff

Look, if you dropped them in another puddle...

Britta

Wow, Pierce, congratulations on meeting the minimum requirement for open-mindedness.

Annie

Yeah, I'm really proud of you, you're growing up as a person.

Jeff

Oh, good grief, he's not supporting gay people, they're supporting him. If Mexicans were buying his wipes he would have ridden in on a donkey.

Jeff

Pierce, what the hell was that?

Pierce

That was-

That was my boy, standing up for good ol’ Hawthorne values.

Jeff

All due respect, sir, I have zero respect for you.

Typical Welsh nonsense!

Pierce

But, Father, I-

Jeff

Pierce, you really wanna be like this guy? He's wearing elephant bones on his head.

He will be what I tell him to be because I am his father!

Jeff

Listen up, Colonel Cryptkeeper. I could live a million years and I could spend every minute of it doing important things. But at the end of it all, I would only have lived half a life if I had not raised a son. This was a gift that was handed to you. You squandered it. And the reason you have so much hatred in your heart is because you're trying to fill a hole where your kid was supposed to go, and now it's too late. Now, you're just stomping around trying to prove you exist. Well, mission accomplished! But here's a question I'd like to pass on to you from every son of every crap dad that ever lived: "So what?!" I'm done with you. He's done with you. The world is done with you.

Jeff

Come on in. He's a Hawthorne. This is what they do. He's bluffing.

Jeff

Pierce, listen, I just wanna say...

Pierce

Did you know that the Canadian mallard is the only water fowl that bites his father's head off on his way out of the womb?

Jeff

That is definitely not true.

Pierce

I don't know. I looked it up on the Wikipedia.

Jeff

Pierce, um... I just wanna say...you know...sorry for killing your dad.

Pierce

Don't blame yourself; he bought a lot of his organs from questionable sources.

Jeff

[As Dean] Welcome to Dean-dale Community Colle-dean! I'm a silly goose. Honk honk! Dean-a-lee-doo! Look at me, this is my sister's outfit!

Dean

Jeffrey, stop. [Pause] You've hit gold. Save some for the screen.

Jeff

Pierce mistook me for the Dean today.

Abed

How did that make you feel?

Jeff

I've become a stranger to myself. I'm bald now. I've always been bald. I merely dreamt of having hair, and now, the bald man is awake.

Jeff

Gentlemen, my name is Clarence Thaddeus Foos. My grandfather, Fletcher Morton Foos, invented this game for one purpose: to have the loudest, dumbest thing happen. Now, it has. The game of Foosball is completed. You're free to return to your undoubtedly hearing impaired families.

Tell you what. We'll stop playing if you can score a point on us.

Jeff

Tempting, but then wouldn't I be playing Foosball, if so how would I not be a loud, weird knob?

Free shot! I'm not even touching the Foosenshaft.

Jeff

Sorry, Luftballons. I'm above it. [Turns away, then spins back and grabs the poles. The German guy scores a point]

I wish there was a word to describe the pleasure I feel at viewing misfortune.

Jeff

What are you guys doing here on a Saturday night? Shouldn't you be making weird art movies or well-engineered cars?

You take that back!

We came to play. Get away from our table.

Shirley

We're using it, strudel-brain.

Jeff

Nice.

Then play us for it.

Shirley

Fine! Monday morning. Only let's make it interesting: the loser never gets to use this table again.

Oh you are so on that things have now become very much like Donkey Kong.

Jeff

We're gonna kick das butt.

Shirley

Nice.

Jeff

Thank you.

Enough Teutonic punnery! Monday morning, you get this. [Kicks a soccer ball at Jeff like a Foosball-figure]

Jeff

Were you guys walking around with a soccer ball just so you could do that? They left the ball and everything. I think they were literally walking around with it like a prop to use. It's like a $25 bit, and it's not even that good!

Annie

[Singing like Betty Boop] Teach me how to understand Christmas

Jeff

[Confused] Is this a bit?

Annie

Teach me how to understand Christmas

Jeff

Annie–

Annie

Bwain hurty understandy Chwsitmas

Jeff

Look, eventually you hit a point of diminishing returns on the sexiness.

Annie

What's a diminimuhmm... [Devolves into babbling]

Annie

Wow. They found a way to make the Human Being even creepier - covering him in icicles.

Shirley

I think it's festive.

Jeff

Yeah, my favorite Christmas tradition is trimming the Hellraiser.

Abed

Guys, I found something we can watch together for Christmas this year. The long-lost 1981 Inspector Spacetime Holiday Special. Run time two and half hours, and so critically reviled that after it aired, the creator had his knighthood revoked.

That sounds terrible. I want to watch it twice, but I'm spending Christmas with my relatives. Or rather, I'm spending the day with my relatives while they refuse to acknowledge Christmas.

Shirley

You Jehovah's Witnesses - so severe. Andre and I will be spending Christmas giving gifts to the more persuadable of our Jewish friends.

Annie

I wouldn't call an unannounced visit from your pastor "a gift." And don't bother this year, I'll be at the movies with my bubbe.

You're not taking both of them?

Annie

Well, one's dead.

What?!

Abed

I was looking forward to hanging out with you guys this Christmas. This semester has been so long and dark and angry. I was thinking we could have some light-hearted fun as a family.

Jeff

I think what we've learned, Abed, is that attempts to make the holidays brighter tend to give them a certain darkness.

Shirley

Oh, I don't know if I agree with that.

[singing] Deck the halls with boughs of holly

Shirley

...Actually, maybe I do.

[singing] Tis the season to be jolly

Merry Christmas, Greendale! Glee Club here, reminding you that our Christmas pageant is coming! Next stop, regionals!

Pierce

What the hell are regionals? They never stop talking about it.

[singing] Deck~

Please tell me we were not this obnoxious the year we filled in for them.

Annie

T-minus 5 seconds until the hip-hop remix. 4, 3…

[rapping] Come on!

Britta

You’re awfully quiet, Jeff. No one hates glee club more than you do.

Jeff

Today, I’m just content to sit back and enjoy the show.

And now, our pop music mashup…

…Elton Little John Lennon!

Hit it!

[rapping] Hey, tiny dancer!

[rapping] OKAY-!

Stop! Cease…and desist.

Jeff

Glee club, meet ASCAP, protecting musical copyright since 1914. It appears they have received an anonymous tip that unlicensed material has been performed here without the artist’s permission. Merry Christmas, everyone. Glee club just became history club.

Shirley

[singing] Jesus!

Britta

Oh, Jeff, thank God! They got Shirley; it's just you and me now! Jeff?

Jeff

[singing one long note] Aaaaaahhhhhh~

Britta

[screaming] AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!

Guys, I am swelling with pride! You stepped up, and you saved the Christmas pageant!

Jeff

And it's all thanks to you, Mr. Rad! I just hope we can repay you by making regionals!

Pierce

I thought this was regionals. Don't let my confusion undercut the importance.

Places, everyone!

I could not have done this without your recruiting skills, Abed.

Abed

I was happy to do it. For a while there, I thought we were gonna end the semester on a really dark note. I'm glad we're singing and dancing together instead. This has been a good time.

And it's going to continue to be a good time! If we win regionals, then it's straight on to sectionals! And then a week later is semis, then semi-regionals, then regional-semis, then national lower-zone semis!

Abed

Oh. But I kinda thought this was...you know, just for Christmas.

No, no, no! This is forever. This is what we do now. This is who we are.

Britta

When's our culture gonna outgrow this wedding thing?

Annie

You're anti-wedding now?

Jeff

No, she's just pro-anti.

Britta

No to everything you both said! Weddings are like little girls' tea parties, except the women are the stuffed animals, the men are making them talk, and they're not drinking tea, they're drinking antiquated gender roles.

Jeff

Somebody tell Britta what an analogy is.

Britta

I know what it is. It's like a thought with... another thought's hat on.

Annie

Holy crap! Britta, you're really good at this!

Britta

[sadly] I know.

Annie

What's wrong with you?

Britta

This may shock you, Annie, but I come from a long line of wives and mothers.

Annie

Many do.

Britta

But I ran away from it my whole life. I refused to give Santa a Christmas list, because I didn't want to depend on any man for anything! And now, look at me! I'm Betty Crocker! I'm Martha Stewart! I'm one of the Steppenwolf wives! Ohh, God... [to Abed] I'm gonna make some man very happy someday...

Abed

Ooh, easy.

Slow down.

Annie

What's with you guys?

We de-whimsified ourselves.

Abed

We're normal now.

Annie

Oh. Good?

Hey, anyone seen Shirley?

Abed

What? Shirley late to the rehearsal? Oh my.

Hey, man. You don't have to be sarcastic.

Abed

I'm not being sarcastic.

We're heavily invested in your situation. Nothing's more important to us than your second wedding's rehearsal going smoothly.

...Walk away, man.

Annie

[to Jeff] Hey! Did you think of a toast?

Jeff

Well, yeah. Uh, I had a drink, and I looked into my heart, and here's what I got so far. "Webster's Dictionary defines"-

Annie

Stop, stop! "Webster's Dictionary defines"? That's the Jim Belushi of speech openings! It accomplishes nothing, but everyone keeps using it and nobody knows why!

Jeff

Yeah, well, it's all I got! That took me eight hours and sixteen Macallan neatses! Look, I'm sorry, I just don't believe in marriage.

Britta

I do. It's inevitable.