Jeff quotes from Community

[Laughs] No, thanking me, Jeff, you know, for all the support I generated for the show, and in the last paragraph they said, "If you'd like, you could come visit the set." Just like that.

Jeff

Wow, that's cool of them. I guess that kind of makes them the Pulp Fiction of people. Man, how great was that movie?

So I sold a few of my action figures and I bought a round trip ticket to Los Angeles.

Jeff

Wait, what? You went? When?

Over spring break. What could I do? Two days after I got that invitation, I was on the set of Cougar Town, Jeff. [Whispers] Cougar Town.

Jeff

Look, if you want me to take it seriously, stop saying its name.

You laugh, Jeff, but the people were wonderful. You know, not just the actors, but the crew, everyone. There must have been two hundred people, each with a specific function, but all dedicated to a single purpose. It was like a village, or like... a living thing. And I'm talking to the director and he says, "Well, why don't you jump into the background?" I say, "Now wait a minute, jump into the background of what exactly?" And he says, "Jump into the background of this scene. Walk through it. Walk through Cougar Town!" Well, before I could react, this girl takes me by the hand, and she stands me behind this patio where Courtney Cox and the actors are doing their scene, and the girl says, "Now when you hear action, I want you to walk from here to there." That's when I really started to panic, Jeff, because if I'm a person who watches Cougar Town, how could I be in Cougar Town? And the more I start thinking about it, the less any of it makes sense at all. And I just want to turn and run, but it's too late, because the director is calling "Action!" So, before I take my first step, I realize that I have to stop being someone who has ever seen the show, and become a character on the show. Become a man from Cougar Town. You know, someone born there, someone whose name I decide is Chad. And I take my first step as a child learning to walk--as Chad--and with each step it becomes easier, and with each step I start remembering things from Chad's life, like his first kiss under the big tree at Cougar Town field, playing soccer at Cougar Town Junior High, finding my first chest hair in the shower, my first apartment, my first true love falling for my best friend. Birthdays, weddings, car crashes, taxes. Playing charades at Thanksgiving. Chad had lived, Jeff. Chad had lived more than Abed. Then they called, "Cut." And the scene was over, but I wasn't ready to stop being Chad, so I said to the director, "Can I have one more take?" But they were already moving on--Courtney had nailed it. My lips started trembling, my hands and my feet went numb, my knees buckled, and as I fell to the floor... [pauses] I pooped my pants.

S2 E19 Critical Film Studies

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Jeff

Conversation was invented by humans to conceal reality. We use it to sweet-talk our way around natural selection. You know who has real conversations? Ants. They talk by vomiting chemicals into each other's mouths. They get right down to brass tracks. Bleh! "Which way's the picnic?" Bleh! "That way." Humans are more evolved. We lie.

Not all the time.

Jeff

That's a lie.

We don't lie when we're alone.

Jeff

Biggest lie ever. Nine out of ten lies occur six inches away from the bathroom mirror. We do most of our lying alone.

How is it even possible to lie when you are alone?

Jeff

You can call a phone sex line. That's lying to yourself.

No, that's just being honest with a stranger about being lonely.

Jeff

What if you're dishonest about why you're lonely? What if you're a good-looking guy who calls a phone sex line and tells them he weighs 400 pounds, just so he can hear a woman say she's attracted to him anyway?

Well, I don't believe that happens.

Jeff

Wrong. That's me! I did that last week.

But why would you pay a woman on the phone to think you're fat?

Jeff

Because I'm scared that if I were overweight that no one would like me. God, that feels good to admit! Abed, the point being... [puts his constantly-buzzing phone into his drink] The point being, you don't have to worry about being normal, or real, or whatever this is tonight. The world is a sick place, full of sick, sick people.

S2 E19 Critical Film Studies

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Jeff

The show's going to last three weeks!

Six seasons and a movie!

S2 E21 Paradigms of Human Memory

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Didn't we decide at the beginning of the year that for the good of the group we wouldn't allow any intimacy between each other or ourselves?

Jeff

Troy, we never said ourselves.

Okay, now I'm really mad.

S2 E21 Paradigms of Human Memory

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CChang

Man, Math Club has gotten a lot better since last year.

Jeff

Obviously they were practicing while the rest of us went on dates!

S2 E23 A Fistful of Paintballs

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Britta

Okay, guys, let's get to Biology on time. I don't want to be a screw up this year.

Jeff

Umm, Britta. [Points to his Biology book while looking at the Chemistry book Britta is holding]

So we're really doing this without Pierce? It's so sad.

Jeff

Yeah, we've parted ways with our closest, oldest, craziest, most racist, oldest elderly crazy friend. And he's not coming back.

Pierce

[Suddenly from behind Jeff] I'm back.

S3 E1 Biology 101

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[Jeff daydreams about he and the study group singing a song to celebrate the beginning of a new year at Greendale Community College]

Jeff

We're gonna fly to school each morning,We're gonna smile the entire time.

Britta

We're gonna be more happy,We're gonna finally be fine!

We're gonna get more calm and normal,

We're gonna fix our state of mind!

We're gonna be less crazy,

EEveryone

We're gonna finally be fine!

Shirley

We're gonna stand holding hands in a brand new land,Far away from the borderline!

Dean

We're gonna seem like a mainstream dream,

CChang

And be appealing to all mankiiiiiind!

EEveryone

We're gonna have more fun and be less weirdThan the first two years combined!And we're gonna live forever!

JAJeff and Annie

And we're gonna sleep together!

EEveryone

And we're gonna finallyBe sunny and shinilyWe're gonna finally be fine!

S3 E1 Biology 101

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How is this still happening?

Pierce

I can't remember what regular air smells like.

Jeff, do something or we're gonna lose!

Jeff

Guys, this is important to Annie. So whoever actually died a few months ago, fess up so we can put a stake through your heart.

[Troy, Shirley, and Pierce laugh]

Jeff!

Jeff

Annie, I think the real lesson here is that a model U.N., much like the real U.N., quickly falls apart when faced with actual-

NOOOOOOO! I think the lesson here is that I need to win this! I want to win! And you! You suck! You're a stupid, ugly poopface, and I'm better than you!

Jeff

Annie, stop! You're acting like a little schoolgirl, and not in a hot way!

[The audience gasps; Annie stares at Jeff in shock, then gets off the table and runs out of the cafeteria in tears]

Jeff

Okay. Uh, that made me sound creepy... but-but here's the thing. [runs away]

S3 E2 Geography of Global Conflicts

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Jeff

Oh, look, Indiana Jones and the apartment of perpetual viginity.

Haha! Chop busted, fellow adult. Chop busted.

S3 E4 Remedial Chaos Theory

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I don't think you should. Chaos already dominates enough of our lives. The universe is an endless raging sea of randomness. Our job isn't to fight it, but to weather it together, on the raft of life. A raft held together by those few, rare, beautiful things that we know to be predictable.

Britta

Ropes. Vines. Vines? Let him finish!

Us. It won't matter what happens to us as long as we stay honest and accepting of each other's flaws and virtues. Annie will always be driven, Shirley will always be giving, Pierce will never apologize, Britta's sort of a wildcard from my perspective, and Jeff will forever remain a conniving son of a bitch.

[Everybody gasps]

Shirley

Abed!

There's 6 sides to this die, and 7 of us. He devised a system by which he never has to get the pizza.

[Jeff snickers]

Jeff! You crafty jackrabbit!