Jeff quotes from Community

Britta

Jeff? What are you doing here?

Jeff

I just got back from the carnival, where I met Blade.

Britta

Is he okay? How is he?

Jeff

He’s brain damaged.

Britta

Okay, well, let’s not be petty…

Jeff

No, I’m serious; he showed me the scar. Ten years ago, before he even met you, a loose blot flew off a Ferris wheel and embedded in his skull, destroying the part of his brain…that feels shame. I mean, he’s basically irresistible to people for the same reason he can pretty much only work at a carnival. He has nothing to prove or disprove about himself or to himself. He has no shame.

Britta

Why wouldn’t he have told me that?

Jeff

Because he didn’t care if you knew.

Britta

That is so like him! I have to go to him…

Jeff

No, woman. None of us have to "go to" anyone, and the idea we do is a mental illness we contracted from breath-mint commercials and Sandra Bullock. We can't keep going to each other until we learn to go to ourselves. Stop making our hatred of ourselves someone else's job and just stop hating ourselves.

Jeff

We are so screwed. How are we gonna memorize all this?

Shirley

Let’s just go over it again. Kingdom, phylum, class...

Pierce

Order, family, genus, species. I used a mnemonic device. "Kevin Please Come Over For Gay Sex."

Annie

Why not use Karen?

Pierce

Because it’s gay sex, dummy.

Shirley

So use great.

Pierce

Now I can’t remember anything! Thanks!

Jeff

If it's any consolation, she got me here on a very misleading text message.

Annie

Technically, you are about to be screwed in the biology room.

Britta

Annie has a point. The death of a peer, especially at our age, can trigger a whole range of emotions. As a psychologist...

Jeff

Student.

Britta

...I hereby offer my licensed...

Jeff

Unlicensed.

Britta

...services as a grief counselor.

Jeff

Grief causer.

Britta

If anyone needs to talk, the doctor...

Jeff

Not even close.

Britta

...is in.

Jeff

What do you mean Greendale doesn't exist?

Well, there is a place called Greendale and you all spent three years there, but it was not a community college. These memories that you people have been sharing are a shared psychosis. You were patients there together, you were released together, and I'm alarmed to see that you are now relapsing together.

There is another way in. If I enroll in the AC school, they'll help us. We could walk in and out. It'll mean I'll have to move out and into a.c. school housing, and I won't be able to hang out with you guys anymore, or have a relationship, or use the word sensational for some reason.

Britta

Troy, we are not losing you to save the dean, or Greendale, or anything, ever.

Jeff

Don't be so dramatic, Troy. The answer is simple. We just have to plan an elaborate heist.

Britta

Yes!

Pierce

Great, I'll get my turban.

Jeff

Everyone except Pierce has to plan an elaborate heist.

Britta

Today is Abed's first therapy session.

Jeff

His what?

Britta

He's been feeling extra vulnerable lately, having lost Troy to the air conditioning repair school, so he's finally going to let me practice my psych skills on him! Give me some credit, Winger. What's the worst that could happen?

Leonard

Classic tee-up.

Britta

Shut up, Leonard; I know about your crooked wang!

Leonard

No such thing as bad press!

Jeff

Your honor, I have no closing statement…because I'm throwing the case. No, no, it's okay. It's fine, don't worry. My client, Shirley Bennett, my friend for three years, told me that it was okay. She said what I want was more important. She's right, right? I mean, guys like me, we'll tell you there's no right or wrong. There's no real truths. And as long as we all believe that, guys like me can never lose. Because the truth is, I'm lying when I say there is no truth. The truth is… the pathetically, stupidly, inconveniently obvious truth is… helping only ourselves is bad and helping each other is good. Now, I just wanted to get out of here. pass biology, and be a lawyer again instead of helping Shirley. That was bad. And my former colleague wanted so badly to keep his rich client that he just asked me to roll over in exchange for my old job. So I guess we all walked in here pretty bad. But now, Shirley's gone good. Shirley's helping me. It's that easy. You just stop thinking about what's good for you, and start thinking about what's good for someone else. And you can change the whole game with one move. Now, if you like this idea, you can make it true by doing something good for everyone here. Throw this case out of court. It's dumb. That is all.

Pierce

I withdraw my case. Why didn't you just do some inspirational speech about friendship? You're fired!

Way to go, soft serve. You're finished. By the way, never got a chance to tell you this, but it was me who turned you in to the state bar.

Jeff

I know. And I never got a chance to thank you.

This place has made you so gay...

Pierce

Hey, don't use "gay" as a derogatory term! Booyah! Good person!

Annie

Showing up early, helping others, sending girls away? Could this be a whole new Jeff Winger?

Jeff

Don't ruin it by approving it.

Britta

Jeff, why are people staring at you?

Jeff

'Cause they've never seen a man who's had sex before?

Annie

We come all this way, and you just leave me alone without so much as sending a text message? I'm sick of it, Jeff... Nigel... Winger! [tries to throw two more drinks in Jeff's face, but realises they are empty] Can I get two more of these, please?

Jeff

Enough! This day has turned crazy. I'm gonna go upstairs, towel off, and pray to God that I wake up in the middle of a final in a class I didn't know I was enrolled in. [storms off]

Don't worry. If there is one thing Germans don't do, it's hold a grudge.

Abed

Unless we're talking about Die Hard 3.

Jeff

Or the 20th century.

Jeff

I really am Hitler.

Shirley

Yeah.

Pierce

So it's just decided? No vote or anything?

I hate this. I wish there was a way we could make it up to people.

Jeff

That's it! We need to make reparations. We have to start giving back, because Greendale has given us so much. It gave us the study room. And that study room is our home. But our home is more than those four walls. And our family is more than the seven of us. It's all of Greendale. And everyone deserves to have what we have. [after the study group finishes the study room make overs] What do you know? Greendale just got slightly better.

Annie

It’s good to be back.

Shirley

Should we go celebrate at Skeepers?

Britta

Aw, come on, Shirley; we all have lives.

Dean Pelton

There you are! I am so proud how you stepped up and made amends, and everyone forgave you! Because when it comes right down to it, Greendale's a forgiving place.

Annie

It really is.

Dean Pelton

Please keep that in mind for the next 20 seconds; remember that people can "chang".

Jeff

People can what?

Dean Pelton

Hmm?

Hi, I'm Kevin.

AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!

Dean Pelton

[whispering] He has Changnesia.

Jeff

I thought I told you to stop reading my emails.

Dean

Well, I thought I told you to stop keeping secrets!