Jeff quotes from Community

Jeff

Hey, what are you doing? That was The Jeffersons, honky...

Britta

I was wrong, OK? Material possessions are important. Think how much happier The Jeffersons were than that family on Good Times.

Jeff

Yeah, but they had good times.

Jeff

[after losing his condo] This condo is all that's left of me. Every part of it is a part of who I am.

Britta

Is that a bidet?

Jeff

That part's for resale value... and Saturday afternoons.

Jeff

How are you so satisified all the time, Abed? I mean, don't you ever want anything more out of life than cereal?

Abed

[thinking] Sometimes, I like to pour hot cocoa mix into cold milk, and drink it like a cold hot chocolate. I call it Special Drink.

Jeff

And someday, you will know it by it's true name: diabetes.

Abed

You're Goldie Hawn, Jeff.

Jeff

I'm sorry?

Abed

You're Goldie Hawn.

Jeff

Is it the lips?

Abed

No. In Overboard, she was just like you. Wealthy, assertive, arrogant, got manicures all the time. But then she fell off her boat, and it was a good thing for her, because, ultimately, she realized she was happier being poor and raising four unruly boys with Kurt Russell.

Jeff

Can I not be Kurt Russell in this scenario?

Abed

You can do whatever you want, you just have to know what that is. For me, it's Lucky Charms and TV.

Abed

It's really great to have someone to watch stuff with. My dad never wanted to watch anything, so I was kind of raised by TV.

Jeff

TV's the best dad there is. TV never came home drunk, TV never forgot me at the zoo, TV never abused and insulted me. Unless you count Cop Rock.

Abed

Cop Rock. Sounds cool.

Jeff

Doesn't it?

Britta

Wow, you guys are really dorming it up in here, huh?

Jeff

Yeah, in the last two days, I've spent a quarter.

Abed

We're having the time of our lives.

Britta

See, who needs platinum faucets? Do you guys even have faucets in here?

Jeff

There's a communal bathroom down the hallway. It actually helped me come to terms with losing my condo. You don't sit on a toilet like that until you've left the material world behind.

Britta

You guys weren't in Spanish class.

Jeff

Knight Rider marathon.

Abed

A shadowy flight into the world of a man that does not exist.

Dean Pelton

Mr. Winger, did you happen to hear my announcement?

Jeff

I hang on every word.

Dean Pelton

I'm going to assume that's sarcasm.

Jeff

Correct.

Dean Pelton

So you didn't hear my announcement?

Jeff

I'm barely listening now.

Jeff

How was hypnotherapy?

Britta

He fell down and screamed in pain while I laid there with my eyes closed to make him feel like a good hypnotherapist.

Annie

Maybe Simmons was right. You really are all sizzle and no steak. You probably couldn't beat him if you tried.

Jeff

What do you mean I can't beat him? You and I are going to study harder than we've ever studied before and beat City College tomorrow!

Annie

[excited] Really?

Jeff

No! Who am I, iCarly?

Jeff

Ugh!

Annie

What's wrong?

Jeff

I have this weird pain right above my eyebrow.

Annie

It's called a stress headache. I got my first one when I was four.

Jeff

I hate it!

Annie

Well get used to it! You're knee-deep in it now, brother. This is debate!

Britta

There's only one solution. Someone has to go to Chang and talk to him.

Annie

I vote we all look at Jeff at the same time. [They do.]

Jeff

[Not paying attention] In a way, all of you are right... OK, what was I tuning out?

Annie

You have to get Chang to call off some of this homework! You're the one with the silver tongue.

Pierce

Yeah, go tongue Chang.

You make no mistake about this, Winger: I pleasure that woman greatly.

Jeff

Psh, yeah, you look like you would have to. I'm not surprised you said that.

Shirley

Pierce has got a girlfriend!

Britta

That's great. What's she do?

Pierce

She's an escort.

Shirley

Oh...

Jeff

Some mysteries solve themselves, don't they?

Shirley

I'm so sick of the dean jamming his PC-ness down my throat.

Jeff

Pierce, I'd like to commend you for letting that one go.

Abed

Jeff, what's your favorite episode of M*A*S*H?

Jeff

The one with, uh... the army.

Abed

That's what I thought. If you'd ever actually seen the show, you'd know that Hawkeye didn't just bed nurses and drink martinis. He also had blood sprayed on his face and barked orders when the choppers came in. If he didn't, people died. He was a leader, Jeff. That's your job.

Jeff

You keep a list of everyone based on how good-looking they are?

Dean

Yes, we do... number two.

Dean Pelton?

Dean

Yes, Professor Seven... uh, Professor Slater?